终用稿(7人搞笑英语版话剧剧本三顾茅庐)
终用稿(7人搞笑英语版话剧剧本三顾茅庐)
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2
Three visits to the cottage三顾茅庐
Aside: After their swearing brotherhood to heaven and earth in a peach garden, the three persons——Liubei, Guanyu and Zhangfei-had to be janitors（美['d??n?t?] n. 看门人；守卫）in Caocao's corporation to make a living for they could not find jobs. Meanwhile the legendary and mysterious character ZhuGeliang who had been forced to attend CET-6 test by his wife was reviewing examination contents.
SCENE 1: Liubei's home
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei
Guanyu: Brother! We three have been hungry for days and when will this tragic life end? It's so terrible!
Liubei: Yu, it's impossible that I don't feel painful, isn't it? But as the proverb says it is hard to sit in Rome and strive against the Pope. Now we come
to Caocao's corporation as gatekeeper（看门人）, anyhow we can fill our
stomachs between whiles. It's very hard to get work now. No diplomas
and no job offers, what are you dreaming about?
Zhangfei: Oh, Brother! ZhuGeliang's wife borrowed us 500yuan to cope with his husband’s CET-6 fees last month, it seems that it's time for us to be debt
collectors now.
Guanyu: Yeah, Brother! Or we'll be as poor as church mouse
Liubei: Alas! How did I forget this? Let's go! Go~~ go~! Hurry up! Follow me and go to the mountain for dunning!（收拾家伙挽袖子）
Aside: And then the three brothers climb the mountain to find ZhuGeliang.
SCENE 2: ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: ZhuGeliang Zhu’s Wife ZhuGeliang: Good morning! I am the genius ZhuGeliang. But
I feel so sad recently. Because my wife forced me
to pass the CET-6. What’s CET-6? Do you know?
I’ve never heart about that. And she asked me to
read so heavy books and do so many texts.（拿起手
里的试卷给大家亮亮）It’s ridiculous. My major is
military advice, not English. Why should I read
this?
Wife: Darling!
ZhuGeliang：My wife is coming，she is so long-winded（啰嗦的）that I can never bear her.（装作认真状）
Wife：My dear, how about your study?
ZhuGeliang：These books make me want to doze[d??z](打瞌睡).
I’m dizzy.
Wife：Darling! Now, competition is so serious. If you can’t pass cet-6 to get your master’s degree, it is difficult to find a job. I have stayed here
for half of a lifetime. But never visit a bigger place like Shanghai.(cry) ZhuGeliang：Don’t worry, these books are too easy for your husband and don’t need to learn.（扔书）
Wife：Are you sure? let me have a test to you. Listen，read and see! ZhuGeliang：A piece of cake!
Wife：Listen, can you spell apple? Desk?
ZhuGeliang: Sorry I can’t.（不会抓耳挠腮）
Wife：You can’t? Oh, how unfortunate I am! (crying) I'm wrong, I'm really wrong, I'm wrong from the beginning. I shouldn't marry here. If I
didn’t marry here, I'll never in thi s heartrending place now,
诸葛亮——崩溃了（捂耳朵忙劝）
ZhuGeliang：Don’t cry, don’t cry, stop!老婆——（马上变脸）
I ‘m going to study hard at once. Wife: 给书童一个手势
Keeper: What is the matter? Madam?
Wife: Listen carefully! My husband is too busy doing his homework to welcome any people, so you will tell the people who calls on him that
boss has went to study in England.
Aside: While it is going on, liubei Guanyu Zhangfei have came to the gate of ZhuGeliang’s house.
SCENE3 Outside ZhuGeliang’s house
Actors: Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei Keeper
Zhangfei: Let me knock the door! Open! Open!!!（气愤敲门咚咚咚）
Keeper: (Check from the peep hole) Are these men asking for the debt?
(Open the door)
Liubei: This is liubei! We are calling on ZhuGeliang and his wife.
Keeper: Zhu said he is not in.
Liubei: En????
Keeper: Oh! No!...I mean …I mean my boss is studying English in England for the exam of CET-6, and he may not be come back this month.
Liubei: OK! We will wait for him here!
Guanyu: Nobody knows that when he will be come back, so, let’s go home!
Aside: The three men went away with disappointed. After a month, the deeply autumn came! They came here at the second time. Unfortunately, they
didn’t see Zhu Geliang as well. Two month passed, the cold winter is
coming! It is heavy snow and very cold outsides. ZhuGeliang knows the
reason that why they come here three times, and orders the keeper to let
them come in whiles his wife is out.
SCENE 4: ZhuGeliang’s Home
Actors: ZhuGeliang wife liubei Zhangfei Guanyu ZhuGeliang: Thank goodness, here's Liubei at last. Ha ha ha ………
Wife: Wof! Darling! He may come here to ask me to repay his money. We can’t let him in.
ZhuGeliang: My darling, please don’t worry. I can make liubei go back with nothing by my sliver tongue Liubei: Mr. ZhuGeliang. I have hunted you for a long time!（此时刘备用枪指着诸葛亮头幻灯片放无间道）
Zhu: Oh! You are Liubei. What can I do for you ?
Liu: my brother, you have borrowed me 500yuan, when you repay it for me? I have starved for several days.（放乞丐的幻灯片）
ZhuGeliang: I owe you 500yuan? who can testify? Please give me a chance, I want to be an honest man. Liubei: How can I give you a chance? Speak it to the judge.
Zhu: Please look(扇子指向幻灯片幻灯片放西农地图), although having ambition , you are just a guarder. We can enlarge our power from this base, and then attack Caocao. At last I believe that we can reign the whole country.
Liubei:（若有所思）I’m so surprised! I don’t know you are so smart.
Zhu Geliang: If I give you a map, could I not repay your money?
Liubei: En…….you know so much about affairs, are you willing to create a new country together with us?
ZhuGeliang: En……sorry, I can’t. Because my wife forces me to pass the CET-6 recently. If you can help me to
resolve the problem, I will help you.
Liu: （面露难色）En…..
Zhangfei: （拉刘备到身边耳语到）(Pull) Brother, come here.
Everything is fake now such as the milk. Why can’t we find somebody help us do the test or buy a key ?（幻灯片武状元苏乞儿作弊呢段）
Guanyu: Yes! We can overdraft our salary from Caocao to buy the key at first.
（假答案图片）
SCENE 5: Outside ZhuGelia ng’s house
Aside: After receiving the master degree, ZhuGeliang will go to work with Liubei to establish a new Kingdom.So the couples apart.
Actors: ZhuGeliang Wife Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei
Wife：Honey!
ZhuGeliang：Darling!
Wife：Excellent man have a great ambition. You should put cause above everything else , are sure not to miss me.
ZhuGeliang：I will have a long journey .Please take care of yourself.(（转身悄悄说）) Don’t worried, never miss
you!!（出门拜倒在久侯的刘备关羽张飞脚下）ZhuGeliang：(To Liubei)Your Majesty( ['m?d??st?]主公), I will never forget your favour. I must be loyal and
devoted to the last.
Liubei Guanyu Zhangfei: Let' go!!!!!
Aside: The three men go down to the hill. That is the end of the whole story. Thank you for your attention.（结束时放猫和老鼠的结尾）
旁白——话说刘关张桃园三结义之后四处奔波一时间找不到工作不得不在曹操的公司靠看大门为生而此时那个传说中的神秘人物诸葛卧龙先生正专心在家复习考试因为他的老婆黄氏逼着他参加CET-6
场景一
刘备家
刘备关羽张飞上
关羽——大哥咱们都饿了好几天了这种吃糠咽菜的生活我们要过到什么时候啊哎
刘备——二弟这大哥我怎么可能不难受嘛可是常言道人在屋檐下怎能不低头我们现在曹操的公司里给人家看大门这年头工作这么难找我们三兄弟学历又不高好不容易能
有口饭吃就很不错了哪还有什么奢求呀
张飞——大哥对了上个月后面山头诸葛亮的老婆来问我们借走了500块钱去给她老公交学费去了都好久没还我们是不是应该去要回来
关羽——是啊大哥不然的话这样下去我们就得喝西北风了
刘备——哎就是我怎么这岔给忘了走走走二弟三弟随我这就上山（收拾家伙挽袖子）旁白——兄弟三人就此上山
场景二
诸葛亮家诸葛亮上
诸葛亮——大叫好我就是绝顶聪明的诸葛亮可我最近却很是郁闷我那个娘子非要我去参加什么大学英语六级考试六级考试是个什么东西我怎么听都没听说过还要我看这么厚的书做这么多的题（拿起手里的金瓶梅给大家亮亮）我以后可是要当军师的！！又不是这个专业的干嘛还要要看这种书
老婆——相公（远处喊）诸葛亮老婆上（比较啰嗦）
诸葛亮——娘子来了我娘子啰嗦的像唐僧一样说起话来我可受不了快老实看书（装作认真状）
老婆——相公你的书背的怎么样了
诸葛亮——娘子啊这些书看得我头昏眼花光想打瞌睡
老婆——哎相公呀你有所不知你看现在外面竞争这么激烈你要是不好好考六级将来拿个硕士文凭以后找不到工作可怎么办呀我们在这个小村子里都呆了小半辈子了你看我连稍微大一点的城市像铁岭都没去过
诸葛亮——娘子你看老公我这么有才华以后还愁找不到工作么这些书太简单了统统不用看（扔书）
老婆——哼！！你说简单那我考考你
诸葛亮——怎么还要考我舌战群儒我都不怕小小考试焉能难道我（对观众说）
老婆——我要考你听写（诸葛亮郁闷状）听着apple怎么写desk怎么写
诸葛亮——（不会抓耳挠腮）
老婆——相公啊你连这都不会可怎么办呀哎呀我错了我真的错了我从一开始就不应该嫁过来如果我不嫁过来就不会流落到这么一个伤心的地方我好后悔呀
诸葛亮——崩溃了（捂耳朵忙劝）
诸葛亮——娘子莫哭娘子莫哭相公好好看书就是
老婆——（马上变脸）这还差不多你知道么为了供你读书咱们家已经欠了外面一屁股债连看大门的我都借过如果这些人上门来逼债我可怎么办呀
诸葛亮——娘子你说看大门的？莫非就是呢个看大门的刘备（抓胡子兴奋点头）
老婆——正是此人书童你快过来
书童上
书童——主人有何吩咐
老婆——书童听着相公近日温习功课外人一律不见来人就说去国外游玩讲学去了书童遵命
旁白——话正说着刘关张三人已经到了诸葛亮家门口
场景三
诸葛亮家门口刘关张上
张飞——大哥我来叫门（气愤敲门咚咚咚）
书童——（从猫眼里看看跟张飞头对上幻灯片配李逵的黑脸吓一跳）莫非是来讨债的（思考开门）
刘备——在下刘备特来拜访诸葛卧龙先生和她老婆
书童——主人说他不在家
刘关张——恩？？？
书童——哦不是主人主人出去游玩了可能很快回来也可能十多天不回来
刘备——那我们就在这等他
关羽——他呢么贪玩谁知道他什么时候回来大哥我们还是走吧
旁白——三人离去又过了一个月已是深秋三人第二次登门拜访可是仍然没有见着第三次已经是冬天屋外下着鹅毛大雪诸葛亮知道了刘备上门讨债的事情趁这会老婆黄氏不在赶紧命书童前去开门
场景四（此段删除）
诸葛亮家门口（下大雪）刘关张书童上
张飞——大哥下次要见诸葛小儿你先给我老三说一声我把他绑来见你如此劳烦哥哥甚是无礼
刘备——哎二弟三弟现在欠钱的都是大爷我们还是再去一回吧一定要诚心诚意才能打动人家（抹眼泪幻灯片放杨白劳与黄世仁咚咚咚敲门）
书童——主人今天在家（诸葛亮拿着金瓶梅从身后走过）但是正在看书请你们等一等
张飞——（等不及了）诸葛小儿快出来大哥二哥帮我照顾好我七舅老爷他上外甥女。
你要是不出来我就一把火把你这房子烧了！！
关羽——葵花点穴手（幻灯片配合张飞定住眼睛睁得大大的）哎二弟呀大哥说了你几次了我们是有文化的人做人要斯文要低调懂不别一上来就舞刀弄枪的我们是来要债的又不是来要命的你把人家砍死了谁来给我们还债呀
刘备——二弟呀现在次贷危机呢么严重怎么这点道理你还不懂呢？明白了你就眨眨眼睛张飞——（眨眼）关羽葵花解穴手
张飞——哎二哥（耸耸肩）你这点穴是那里学的关羽呵呵是看了一部很流行的电视剧武林外传学的
张飞——二哥你怎么不早说要早知道你会这么一身手艺我们三兄弟不如去开个武官早就发财啦
关羽——是呵这主意不错书童主人在看书不可无礼
刘备——哎呀你们俩就别打岔了安静点
旁白——诸葛亮正在兴奋的时候老婆黄氏突然回来
场景五
诸葛亮家诸葛亮老婆刘备上
诸葛亮——刘备我终于把他给等来了哈哈哈
老婆——哦！！！相公这准时我们向我们讨债的可不能让进来
诸葛亮——老婆大人放心凭我三寸不烂之舌定能让刘备空手而归哈哈哈
刘备——卧龙先生我可找到你了诸葛亮阁下可是刘备不知找我所为何事（装）（此时刘备用枪指着诸葛亮头幻灯片放无间道）
刘备——哥们儿你欠我的500块钱什么时候还呀我们兄弟都饿了好几天了（找个乞丐的幻灯片放放）
诸葛亮——我欠你钱谁证明给我一个机会我想做个好人（无间道台词）
刘备——怎么给你机会诸葛亮主公请看(扇子指向幻灯片幻灯片放西农地图谁有激光灯啥的) 刘皇叔胸怀大志但是现在却在这里看大门我们就以这里为根据的先发展自己
的势力然后进攻曹操便可一统天下
刘备——（若有所思）看不出诸葛先生如此有见地
诸葛亮——如果我把这张地图送给主公不知可否抵债
刘备——先生身居山林却对天下大事了如指掌不知先生可否随刘备一同下山共图霸业诸葛亮（眼珠子转转）可是我已经习惯了现在的生活看来不能帮你。
刘备——（急）如果先生不帮我天下的百姓又要受苦请先生莫要推辞
诸葛亮——这。。。。这也不是不行。只是家家都有本难念的经，小弟近日正在为英语六级烦恼，贱内逼的紧啊，如果刘皇叔能将此事帮在下了结，在下必随刘皇叔下山，赴汤蹈火再所不辞。
刘备——（面有难色）这。。。。
张飞——（拉刘备到身边耳语到）大哥，这年头，牛奶都有假货了，我们找枪手，买答案怎么不行啊。（幻灯片武状元苏乞儿作弊呢段）
关羽——要不我们让曹操预付我们两个月的工资，先把答案给他买了说。（假答案图片）
场景六
诸葛亮家
旁白——一个月后，因为所有的钱都拿去买了答案刘关张已饿的面黄肌瘦，破衣烂衫。
书童——好消息好消息主人六级考了600分
老婆——什么！！600分！！这下终于可以毕业了太好了不负我十年寒窗苦，不负我夜夜伴君读我的美好生活就要来了房子！车子！！钞票！！！（房子、车子的图片）
场景七
诸葛亮家
老婆——老公好男儿以事业为重你去吧不要想我。。
诸葛亮——亲爱的我要远行了你要照顾好自己（转身悄悄说）别担心肯定不想你！！（出门拜倒在久侯的刘备关羽张飞脚下）主公您的大恩亮永世难忘定当鞠躬尽瘁死而后已刘备——快快请起！！
旁白——三顾茅庐的故事就此完结。结束谢谢观赏（结束时放猫和老鼠的结尾）