An Indian Arranged Marriage印(度)式包办婚姻

An Indian Arranged Marriage

We sat around the dining table, my family and I, full to bursting from yet another home-cooked South Indian dinner. It was my younger brother who asked the question.

“Shoba, why don't you stay back here in India f or a few months? So we can try to get you married.”

Three pairs of eyes stared at me across the width of the table. I sighed. Here I was, at the tail end of my vacation after graduate school. I had an airplane ticket to New Y ork from India in 10 days. I had accepted a job at an artist's colony in the U.S. My car and most of my possessions were with friends in America.

“It's not that simple,” I said. “What about my car…?”

“We could find you someone in America,” my dad replied. “Y ou could go back to the States.”

They had thought it all out. This was a plot. I frowned at my parents angrily.

Oh, another part of me rationalized, why not give this arranged-marriage thing a shot? It wasn't as if I had a lot to go back to in the States. Besides, I could always get a divorce.

Stupid and dangerous as it seems looking back, I went into my marriage at the age of 25 without being in love. Three years later, I find myself enjoying my relationship with this brilliant man who talks about the yield curve and other financial statistics, who prays when I drive, and who tries bravely to remember the names of the modern artists I adore.

My enthusiasm for arranged marriages is that of a recent convert. True, I grew up in India, where arranged marriages are common. My parents' marriage was arranged, as were those of my aunts, cousins and friends. But I always thought I was different. I flourished as a foreign student at an American university, where individualism was expected and women's rights encouraged. As I experimented with being an American, I bought into the American value system.

I was determined to fall in love and marry someone who was not Indian. Y et, somehow, I could never manage to. Oh, falling in love was easy. Sustaining it was the hard part.

Arranged marriages in India begin with matching the horoscopes (星座) of the man and the woman. Those who prepare the horoscopes look for balance so that the woman's strengths balance the man's weaknesses and man's strengths balance the woman's weaknesses. Once the horoscopes match, the two families meet and decide whether they are compatible. It is assumed that they are

of the same religion and social level.

While this eliminates risk and helps to insure that the man and woman will be similar in background and outlook, the theory is that the personalities of the couple provide enough differences to make the relationship interesting. Whether or not this is true, the high success rate of arranged marriages in different cultures — 90 percent in Iran, 95 percent in India, and a similar high percentage among Hasidic Jews (哈西德派犹太教徒) in New Y ork and among Turkish and Afghan Muslims (阿富汗穆斯林教徒) — gives one pause.

Although our families met through a mutual friend, many Indian families meet through advertisements placed in national newspapers.

My parents made a formal visit to my future husband's house to see whether Ram's family would treat me well. My mother insists that “you can tell a lot about the family just from the way they serve coffee”. The house had a lovely flower garden. The family liked gardening. Good.

Ram's mother had worked for the United Nations on women's-rights issues. She also wrote funny columns for Indian magazines. She would be supportive. She served strong South Indian coffee in the traditional steel cups instead of china; she would be a balancing influence on my youthful radicalism.

Ram's father had supported his wife's career even though he belonged to a generation of Indian men who expected their wives to stay at home. Ram had a good role model. His sister was a doctor in the United States. Perhaps that meant he was used to strong, achieving women.

Nov. 20, 1992. Someone shouted, “They're here!” My cousin gently nudged me out of the bedroom into the living room.

“Why don't you sit down?” a voice said.

I looked up and saw a square face and smiling eyes anxious to put me at ease. He pointed me to a chair. Somehow I liked that. The guy was sensitive and self-confident.

He looked all right. Could stand to lose a few pounds. I liked the way his lips curved to meet his eyes. Thick hair, commanding voice, strong laugh. To my surprise, the conversation flowed easily. We had a great deal in common, but his profession was very different from mine. I learned that he had an MBA (工商管理硕士学位) from an American university and had worked on Wall Street before joining a financial consulting firm.

Two hours later, Ram said: “I'd like to get to know you better. Unfortunately, I have to be back at my job in the United States, but I could call you every other day. No strings attached, and both of us can decide where this goes, if anywhere.”

I didn't dislike him.

He called 10 days later. About a month later he asked me to marry him, and I accepted. I am convinced that our successful relationship has to do with two words: tolerance and trust.

印(度)式包办婚姻

我们围坐在饭桌边，我的家人和我。又是一顿自家做的南印度风味晚饭，把我们都撑坏了。是我弟弟提出了这个问题。

"莎巴，你干吗不回印度来住几个月呢？这样我们可以帮你找对象结婚。"

三双眼睛从餐桌的那边盯着我。我叹了口气。现在已到了我研究生院毕业的那个假期的尾声，我买好了10天后从印度飞往纽约的机票。我已经接受了一份在美国一个艺术家聚居区的工作。我的汽车，还有大多数的个人物品都在美国的朋友那儿。

"没那么简单，"我说。"我的车……怎么办？"

"我们可以在美国给你找一个，"我爸爸回答说。"你可以回美国。"

他们全安排好了，这是个阴谋，我恼怒地皱着眉瞪着父母。

噢，另一种想法却辩解道，何不尝试一下这种包办婚姻呢？好像并没有很多事情等着我回美国去做，而且，随时都可以离婚啊。

现在回忆起来似乎是有些愚蠢、危险，但我当时真的是在25岁时，未经恋爱就结婚了。三年后的今天，我发现自己与这位出色的男人之间的关系十分愉快。他谈论着投资收益曲线及其他的财经统计资料；我开车时他祈祷；我所崇拜的现代艺术家的名字，他都尽力去记住。

我对包办婚姻的热忱是最近才发生的转变。不错，我是在印度长大的，包办婚姻在这儿十分普遍。我父母的婚姻是包办的，我的姑妈、堂兄妹、朋友的婚姻也都如此。但我一直认为我与他们不同。作为一个外国留学生，我在美国的一所大学里过得不错。在那里，个性发展得以鼓励，妇女权利也倍受尊重。在试着当一个美国人的同时，我也进入了美国的价值体系。

于是我决心要与一个非印度人恋爱、结婚。然而，不知怎么的，我总也做不到。噢，恋爱倒是容易，而要维持这种关系才是困难的。

包办婚姻在印度往往是先从匹配男女双方的星座开始。为人匹配星座的人试图找到一种平衡，使女方的强项弥补男方的弱项，而男方的长处也抵销女方的不足。一旦星座配上了，双方家庭就会见面看看他们是否合得来。一般认为双方都应有同一宗教信仰，属于同一社会阶层。

虽然这种做法排除了风险，也有助于确保男女双方有相同的背景和观点，但从理论上来说，是夫妻个性方面的差异才使得婚姻关系引人入胜。不管这种说法是否正确，不同文化中包办婚姻的成功率之高，却不由得使人驻足沉思：伊朗90%，印度95%，在纽约的哈西德派犹太教徒中，以及在土耳其和阿富汗的穆斯林教徒中，也有同样高的成功率。

我们两家是通过一位共同的朋友认识的，但许多印度家庭则是通过全国性报纸上刊登的广告而相识的。

我的父母正式拜访了我未来丈夫的家，看看拉姆的家人是否会善待我。我妈妈坚持认为"从上咖啡的方式，就能了解这个家庭的许多情况。" 这家人有一个可爱的花园，他们喜欢园艺。很好。

拉姆的母亲以前为联合国工作过，是关于妇女权利问题的工作。她还为多家印度杂志

写风趣的专栏。她会成为一种支持的力量。她不用瓷杯，而用传统的钢杯给我们上浓烈的南印度咖啡；她可以平衡我由于年青而产生的激进思想。

拉姆的父亲属于期望妻子在家呆着的那代印度人。即使如此，他仍然很支持妻子的职业生涯。拉姆有良好的行为榜样。他姐姐是美国的一位医生。或许那意味着他已经习惯于面对有成就的女强人。

1992年11月20日，有人喊道："他们来了！" 我表姐轻轻地用肘推我，示意我从卧室走进客厅。

"你为什么不坐？" 有人说。

我抬头看到了一张四方脸，微笑的眼睛热切地想使我放松下来。他示意我坐到一张椅子上。不知怎么的，我喜欢他那样。这个人敏感而又自信。

他看起来挺好，当然可以再减几磅体重。我喜欢他嘴唇向上弯曲的样子。他头发浓密，声音威严，笑声爽朗。令我感到意外的是，与他的对话进行得十分轻松。我们有许多共同点，但他的职业与我的却大相径庭。我得知他从美国一所大学取得了工商管理硕士学位（MBA）并在华尔街工作过，后来到了一家金融顾问公司。

两个小时后，拉姆对我说："我想更好地了解你，可惜我得回美国干我的工作了，但我可以隔天给你打一次电话。不存在什么约束，我们两个人都可以决定这件事该怎样发展--如果能有所发展的话。"

我没有不喜欢他。

10天后他给我打了电话，大约一个月后他向我求婚，我接受了。我确信我们成功的关系与两个词有关：容忍（tolerance）和信任（trust）。