A类5分大作文范文

●批改By Amber

本次批改严格按照ILETS大作文评分标准进行。ILETS大作文评分项：TR (论证扣题度), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

作文题目

Write about the following topic:

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society.Others,however,believe that school is the place to learn this.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.

学生原文

In today’s society, many people hold the view that it is duty for parents that they should teach children about the ways to fit in society. In others’ view, schools should take the response to teach youngsters. As far as I am concerned, both parents and schools should educate pupils to be good members of society.

It is obvious that youngsters accompany by their parents takes up the majority of time during the period of education stage. So comparing with other less time-consuming activities, the influence of this event to children should be more essential. People can realize this fact by the example of classmates of their children. They all in the same class but the appearance towards society is slightly different from one to others. The cause to this is appearantly by their parents. As to my experience, some classmates in my class tend to be more outgoing and sociable than others when participate in some out-door activities, such as attending festival show or giving a public speech. In most cases, it appears that the more educated parents often influence their children more effectively and teach them a widen acknowledge towards society. It seems to me that in this way, could some of my classmates do better when enter society.

Some other people, however, hold the view that schools should give the method to children about how to be a good member of society. In their points, schools are educating people so it is also their duty to teach people about the ways to be good member to society. To my point, the education by schools is a necessary way all of the people when they were young. It is somehow a basement for our career in society and it is essential by all means.

To conclude, parents and schools should all take the response to educate people about ways to be excellent in society,

●文中标识：

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

In today’s society, many people hold the view that it is duty for parents that they should teach children about the ways to fit in society （虽然加了that，但是这并不属于任何一种从句，建议看

In others’ view, however,

responsibility) to teach youngsters. As far as I am concerned, both parents and schools should educate pupils to be good members of society.

It is obvious that youngsters accompany accompanied by their parents takes up the majority of time during the period of education stage. (youngsters take up time?表意不清；猜测作者是要表

(因为没有主语they，所以用非谓语改为participating) in some out-door activities, such as

. It seems to me that

这句完全没有结构了，改为：young people are able to make a difference after entering into the society）.

children about how to be a good member of society. In their points, schools are educating people so it is also their duty to teach people about the ways to be good member to society. To my point, the education by schools is a necessary way for all of the people when they were young（为什么？需要讲原因；比如加because children are also easy to be influenced by their respectful teachers and peers in school）. It is somehow a basement for our career in society and it is essential by all means.

（both sides should

（be responsible for educating）people about ways appropriately in society.

Band 5

TR 4.5 结构清晰，但是不应该偏重其中任何一边，因为这是discuss both的题目，更何况作者的观点也是两边都认可的；作者自己观点那一段应该论证更加充分，因为要give your opinion

CC 5 有一些地方存在逻辑跳步，想当然

LR 5 用词错误和不合适较多

GRA 5 语法错误较多，具体看蓝色部分，请注意句子结构的正确性