A类5.5分Cam 9 test2小作文范文

A类5.5分Cam 9 test2小作文范文
A类5.5分Cam 9 test2小作文范文

批改By Will

本次批改严格按照ILETS大作文评分标准进行。ILETS大作文评分项:TR (论证扣题度), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

作文题目

学生原文

When we think of the unpaid community service the participants that spring immediately to mind are the volunteers or the charitable organizations.But in fact,the community service involves more than such a group of people.The importance of high school students actively performing the community jobs has come in for considerable scrutiny lately,and the idea that the unpaid community service should be a mandatory part of high school programs has certainly not been rejected by those involved in these investigation.

On one hand,the main reason is that live skills is important for people,s life.But this kind of unpaid community work or doing voluntary work will help cultivating students with a sense of sympathy and caring .Not only the students can learn how to with others and work in a team ,but also they can how mange their time and improve their organization skills.Nevertheless,some of students have not rich and colorful after school activities.After school clubs are no longer that popular and students.The young people go home watching television and playing computer games.

On another hand, When they work for charity or unpaid community service they will be encourage to do something and cultivated students adaptability and sense of responsibility.Helping they realize value in social.For example,the students have chances to practice by doing unpaid community work and experience built up during the process of doing voluntary work by a foundation for future career.The new evidence is that young people will be employed in community would be prevented from rising crime rates.However,if the students have a job or a place of work,they will not be boring and will not bring harm to society.

In conclusion,i strongly supported the opinion that the unpaid community service school be a compulsory part

of high school programmers,for it will help educate the students to own sense of dedication.Improving their physical conditions,enrich their extracurricular activities and enhance their practical abilities.

文中标识:

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

When we think of the unpaid community service the participants that spring immediately to mind are the volunteers (高中生也算志愿者,这里不如说的明确一些改为:Social volunteers)or the charitable organizations. But in fact, the community service involves more than such a group of people. The importance of high school students actively performing the community jobs has come in for considerable scrutiny lately, and the idea that the unpaid community service should be a mandatory part of high school programs has certainly not been rejected by those involved in these investigation.

On one hand, the main reason is that live skills is important for people,s life. But this kind of unpaid community work or doing voluntary work will help cultivating (语法搭配错误与,改为to cultivate) students with a sense of sympathy and caring. (这两句话之间用了but,可是并没有明显的转折关系,介于这一段后面也提到了技能,这两句不妨改为并列:Voluntary work would effectively cultivate students with sympathetic thoughts and caring for others, as well as necessary life skills as well.)Not only the students can learn how to with others and work in a team, but also they can how mange their time and improve their organization skills. Nevertheless, (这个词表示“尽管如此”,逻辑上是让步的含义,这里后面一句说的是孩子们课余生活不丰富,和前面完全没有让步的关系。) some of students have not rich and colorful after school activities. (作为和上一句的联系,这句可改为:In addition, participating in such activities also enriches the extra-curriculum life of students.) After school clubs are no longer that popular and students. The young people go home watching television and playing computer games.

On another hand(the other hand), when they(指代不清,这是段首,需要详细说出High school pupils)work for charity or unpaid community service they will be encourage to do something and cultivated students (此处谓语和主语不搭,并且时态不对,注意这句话的主语是“they”, 应改为cultivate themselves with) adaptability and sense of responsibility. Helping they realize value in social (这句话没有谓语动词,可在前面加上:It also serves in helping...). For example,the students have chances to practice by doing unpaid community work and experience built up(这里是对于情况的推测,改为experiences will be established)during the process of doing voluntary work by a foundation for future career(“by”这个介词表示的是通过什么手法,未来是以后的推论,改为:building a sound foundation for future career endeavor.). The new evidence is that young people will be employed in community would be prevented from rising crime rates. (这句从句出现了两个谓语will be和would be,是较严重的语法错误,改为Being enrolled in such a program also prevents potential crimes in adolescence.) However, if the students have a job or a place of work, they will not be boring and will not bring harm to society.

In conclusion, I strongly supported (没必要用过去时,改为原形。) the opinion that the unpaid community service school (course) be a compulsory part of high school programmers, for it will help educate the students to own sense of dedication. (逗号) Improving (这句话没有单独的主语,和前面共用主语,改为小写) their physical conditions,enrich their extracurricular activities and enhance their practical abilities.

总评5.5(TR6.5 CC5.5 LR6.0 GRA5.0)

1.这篇的硬伤是语法问题,尤其是出现了两次动名词开头,但是没有谓语动词的句子,请注意。

2.内容上充分,但是请注意逻辑链接,第二段使用的连接词十分不准确,逻辑关系混乱。

3.开头和结尾的句型以及类型良好,望保持。

4.词汇变化中等。

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第2次什么的作文范文 以下内容为家家乐学校六年级春季学期第二次阶段复习学生优秀作文习作范例,点评者均为家家乐学校语文老师。 心中的美景 测115班熊梓含 儿时,我经常趟过那条小河,与伙伴在那条小河边玩耍。而在五岁那年,我搬了家,就没在记起过,去过。一次偶然的机会,让我再次看到了它,感受了它。虽然我离开它了很久,但我还模糊地记得它的样貌。 那次,父亲带我到郊外游玩,大约走了十几公里,来到了一片郊区,我望着外面,看到外面的绿树不是很茂密,更多的还是溪水流淌,我对这声音很熟悉,便叫父亲停车,我走进去,一派清新的气象,绿油油的草地上长了许多不知名的小花。这儿变了,这变得美丽了。远处的小河清澈见底,几只蝴蝶在小河上嬉戏,倒映在河中很美丽,我脚下的泥土也变得肥沃了,这一切让我感觉更加自然,清新……

我终于又看到了它,它似乎长大了,和我一样,也变得美丽了,我希望能再次到那儿。 点评: 小作者有一双能在平凡生活中发现美的眼睛——她笔下的小河并无奇特之处,可作者却赋予了它独特的美,因为这条小河流淌过作者的儿时,承载了作者的成长与欢乐。怀念小河、重返小河在作者的回忆中缓慢浮现,极像一部电影,无论镜头如何切换,都充斥着浓浓的眷恋之情。文章的文笔清新淡雅,结构新颖别致,尾段与首段遥相呼应,读来余味无穷。 心中的美景 测35班张琪悦白 夏季,翠湖的荷花争奇斗艳,很是讨人喜欢。 一天我去翠湖看荷花,当时的雨下得很大,如同天河倾斜而下。那粉嫩的,娇弱的荷花被雨点抽打着,弯着腰,就像喘不过气一样。雨水狠狠的踩在荷花脆弱的花瓣上。花瓣落了下来,慢慢地飘在水上。那就像我啊。我苦笑。

此时的情景是这样的:滚滚的乌云怒吼着,荷花不时垂下头,因此,整个世界如同就是荷叶的王国。那水珠落在荷叶上,如同一根羽毛落在石壁上一样,对荷叶没有任何影响。那又像谁? 突然,我怔住了:一片荷叶慢慢弯了下去,不偏不倚地遮在荷花上,为荷花挡风遮雨。不!不只是这一片,满地的荷叶都弯下了腰,为了保护荷花而不惜粉身碎骨。我眼前浮现出了一个熟悉的人…… 我泪流满面。这荷叶不正如同我那坚韧的母亲吗?她一直给我无私的关怀,我却从未有感激之心。我转过身冲向妈妈:我要给她一个大大的拥抱。 点评: 写荷的作文何其多?小作者与其说是写荷,不如说是写情。本文按照作者情感的变化层层推进——小作者因喜欢荷而在大雨中去“赏荷”,见朵朵花瓣被雨点践踏而“怜荷”,再由荷叶护花这一景象感悟母亲正如荷叶般爱护自己,心生感激、自责,可谓“悟荷”。本文使用了大量的修辞手法,刻画细致入微,写荷旨在表达母爱,立意深刻,扣人心弦。

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