A类5.5分Cam 9 test2小作文范文

批改By Will

本次批改严格按照ILETS大作文评分标准进行。ILETS大作文评分项：TR (论证扣题度), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。文末会进行总评及打分。

作文题目

学生原文

When we think of the unpaid community service the participants that spring immediately to mind are the volunteers or the charitable organizations.But in fact,the community service involves more than such a group of people.The importance of high school students actively performing the community jobs has come in for considerable scrutiny lately,and the idea that the unpaid community service should be a mandatory part of high school programs has certainly not been rejected by those involved in these investigation.

On one hand,the main reason is that live skills is important for people,s life.But this kind of unpaid community work or doing voluntary work will help cultivating students with a sense of sympathy and caring .Not only the students can learn how to with others and work in a team ,but also they can how mange their time and improve their organization skills.Nevertheless,some of students have not rich and colorful after school activities.After school clubs are no longer that popular and students.The young people go home watching television and playing computer games.

On another hand, When they work for charity or unpaid community service they will be encourage to do something and cultivated students adaptability and sense of responsibility.Helping they realize value in social.For example,the students have chances to practice by doing unpaid community work and experience built up during the process of doing voluntary work by a foundation for future career.The new evidence is that young people will be employed in community would be prevented from rising crime rates.However,if the students have a job or a place of work,they will not be boring and will not bring harm to society.

In conclusion,i strongly supported the opinion that the unpaid community service school be a compulsory part

of high school programmers,for it will help educate the students to own sense of dedication.Improving their physical conditions,enrich their extracurricular activities and enhance their practical abilities.

文中标识：

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

When we think of the unpaid community service the participants that spring immediately to mind are the volunteers (高中生也算志愿者，这里不如说的明确一些改为：Social volunteers)or the charitable organizations. But in fact, the community service involves more than such a group of people. The importance of high school students actively performing the community jobs has come in for considerable scrutiny lately, and the idea that the unpaid community service should be a mandatory part of high school programs has certainly not been rejected by those involved in these investigation.

On one hand, the main reason is that live skills is important for people,s life. But this kind of unpaid community work or doing voluntary work will help cultivating (语法搭配错误与，改为to cultivate) students with a sense of sympathy and caring. (这两句话之间用了but，可是并没有明显的转折关系，介于这一段后面也提到了技能，这两句不妨改为并列：Voluntary work would effectively cultivate students with sympathetic thoughts and caring for others, as well as necessary life skills as well.)Not only the students can learn how to with others and work in a team, but also they can how mange their time and improve their organization skills. Nevertheless, (这个词表示“尽管如此”，逻辑上是让步的含义，这里后面一句说的是孩子们课余生活不丰富，和前面完全没有让步的关系。) some of students have not rich and colorful after school activities. (作为和上一句的联系，这句可改为：In addition, participating in such activities also enriches the extra-curriculum life of students.) After school clubs are no longer that popular and students. The young people go home watching television and playing computer games.

On another hand(the other hand), when they(指代不清，这是段首，需要详细说出High school pupils)work for charity or unpaid community service they will be encourage to do something and cultivated students (此处谓语和主语不搭，并且时态不对，注意这句话的主语是“they”, 应改为cultivate themselves with) adaptability and sense of responsibility. Helping they realize value in social (这句话没有谓语动词，可在前面加上：It also serves in helping...). For example,the students have chances to practice by doing unpaid community work and experience built up(这里是对于情况的推测，改为experiences will be established)during the process of doing voluntary work by a foundation for future career(“by”这个介词表示的是通过什么手法，未来是以后的推论，改为：building a sound foundation for future career endeavor.). The new evidence is that young people will be employed in community would be prevented from rising crime rates. (这句从句出现了两个谓语will be和would be，是较严重的语法错误，改为Being enrolled in such a program also prevents potential crimes in adolescence.) However, if the students have a job or a place of work, they will not be boring and will not bring harm to society.

In conclusion, I strongly supported (没必要用过去时，改为原形。) the opinion that the unpaid community service school (course) be a compulsory part of high school programmers, for it will help educate the students to own sense of dedication. (逗号) Improving (这句话没有单独的主语，和前面共用主语，改为小写) their physical conditions,enrich their extracurricular activities and enhance their practical abilities.

总评5.5（TR6.5 CC5.5 LR6.0 GRA5.0）

1.这篇的硬伤是语法问题，尤其是出现了两次动名词开头，但是没有谓语动词的句子，请注意。

2.内容上充分，但是请注意逻辑链接，第二段使用的连接词十分不准确，逻辑关系混乱。

3.开头和结尾的句型以及类型良好，望保持。

4.词汇变化中等。

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