【雅思写作真题】剑桥8小作文实例批改

【雅思写作真题】剑桥8 Test3 小作文实例批改

“真题：剑桥8 Test3 小作文”

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement-making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

考生原文

Let’s have a look the left diagram which introduces the cement production.

In the beginning, the cude materials are Limestone and Clay. Both of them have a shape of beads. We start to put them into a crusher at same time and they become a combinational power. After crushing, place the power into a mixer and pass though a rotating heater which had a heat at bottom. These heated power will go through a Grinder then finally become Cement, and seprate in to different bags.

When builders need concrete, the steps show on the right hand side diagram will guide them to get it. Firstly, there should be a concrete mixer which can contain everything. Secondly, add

15% of cement, 10% of water, 25% of sand and 50% of Gravel (kind of small stones).Make sure the concentration of each element is correct. Thirdly, keep rotating the mixer. At last the production will be a ultrafine concrete.

批改By 晟睿葡萄

本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：

TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。

文末会进行总评及打分。

用词不当逻辑错误语法错误修改添加

Let’s have a look the left diagram which introduces the cement production.（表达较为随意，不符合学术写作，建议改为：The first diagram shows the production process of cement.）

In the beginning, the cude materials（原材料应为：raw materials） are Limestone and Clay(正文中不需要首字母大写). Both of them have a shape of beads. We（主观用词应避免） start to put them into a crusherat same time（固定搭配：at the same time） and they become a combinational power(应该是powder,并且该表达并不恰当。本句可改为：Both of them will be put into a crusher and turned into powder.). After crushing, place(流程图描述不宜使用祈使句，下同) the power into a mixer and pass though（through） a rotating heater which had(流程图一般使用一般现在时态) a heat （heater）at bottom. These heated power will go through a Grinder then finally become Cement, and seprate in to（语态应为被动，be separated into）different bags.

When builders need concrete, the steps show on the right hand side diagram will guide them to get it. (表达较为随意，可改为：The second diagram shows the steps of making concrete with several materials including cement.)Firstly, there should be(is) a concrete mixer which can contain(is used to keep)everything.(带主观含义的情态动词should,can等不应该出现在小作文中) Secondly, add （同上，祈使句用语） 15% of cement, 10% of water, 25% of sand and 50% of Gravel (kind of small stones).Make sure（非正式、主观用词） the concentration of each element is correct. Thirdly, keep rotating the mixer. At last the production（product） will be a ultrafine concrete.

总评分5分（TA5.5 CC5.0 GRA5.0 LR4.5）

1. 过程描述相对完整，整体陈述思路清楚

2. 前后文衔接方面使用了一些连词，比如顺序词secondly和指代词these，

在衔接上仍可多样化

3. 少量语法错误，比如时态和固定搭配

4. 语言表达较为随意，使用了祈使句和主观用词，不符合小作文要求；偶

有词不达意的现象，比如combinational power；还有拼写问题，例如seprate

5. 句式变化少，应在这方面加强练习。流程图可以使用被动句，既能避免主观表达的出现，又能体现制作过程的特色。

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TA/TR 5 ? addresses the task only partially; the format may be inappropriate in places ? expresses a position but the development is not always clear and there may be no conclusions drawn ? presents some main ideas but these are limited and not sufficiently developed; there may be irrelevant detail CC 5 ? presents information with some organization but there may be a lack of overall progression ? makes inadequate, inaccurate or over-use of cohesive devices ?may be repetitive because of lack of referencing and substitution ? may not write in paragraphs, or paragraphing may be inadequate LR 6 ? uses an adequate range of vocabulary for the task ? attempts to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy ?makes some errors in spelling and/or word formation, but they do not impede communication GRA 6 ? uses a variety of complex structures ? produces frequent error-free sentences ? has good control of grammar and punctuation but may make a few errors Score 22/5.5 Other Items Affecting Score Under length √No. of words 249 Penalty .5 Off-topic x Memorized ——Illegible ——Overall Band Score 5.5-.5=5 band range band range 9 [35-36] 4 [15-17) 8.5 [33-35) 3.5 [13-15) 8 [31-33) 3 [11-13) 7.5 [29-31) 2.5 [9-11) 7 [27-29) 2 [7-9) 6.5 [25-27) 1.5 [5-7) 6 [23-25) 1 [3-5)

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