黄西演讲 英语听力阅读资料

黄西演讲 英语听力阅读资料
黄西演讲 英语听力阅读资料

2010年3月17日,黄西Joe Wong受邀在美国记者年会晚宴上表演脱口秀

My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.(who自嘲自己默默无闻,取回密码的验证问题里,最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏。)Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.抛开玩笑,我想重申今晚我的确是受邀而来的。

I grew up in China. Who didn’t?我在中国长大,谁不是呢?(装作无知,暗讽了一些美国人的自大,以为世界就是美国。)Most of my childhood memories are ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels f aster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.我童年的大部分记忆都被童年毁了。我上小学时,作为课程的一部分,我要在稻田劳动,旁边紧挨着一个采石场,他们常常要用炸药来炸开石头。我就是从那里了解了光比声音传播速度快的,因为声音总是和飞石差不多一样的速度。(远处一道闪光,几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。)

My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. When I was 7 he said to m e, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”

我爸爸脾气暴躁,但他偶尔会开个玩笑,给我点鼓励。我7岁的时候他跟我说,“儿子,你知道为什么豆腐比集中的社会主义经济好吗?”5分钟后我问“为什么?”他告诉我:“因为是老子说的。”

In 1994, I came to the United States to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!”And I didn’t notice it for two years.1994年,我到美国德州的莱斯大学学习。此处不是笑话,现在是了。我开着一辆二手车,保险杠上贴满了撕不下去的标签,其中一个写道“如果你不会讲英语,滚回家吧!”我直到两年后才明白它的意思。

We always wanted my son to become the president. We try to make him speak Chinese at home and English outside in public. Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” He said, “Why do I have to learn two languages?”

I said, “When you become the president, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”我们总是幻想有一天自己的儿子成为总统。我们给他双语的教育,让他在家讲中文,到公共场合说英语。可有时候我不得不在公共场合对他说,“如果你不讲英语,滚回家吧!”他就会说,“我为什么要学两种语言呢?”我告诉他,“当你成为总统以后,你必须要用英语来签署法案,用中文和你的债权国对话。”

After I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. In order to become a citizen, we immigrants had to take American history lessons with questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets rob bed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the US?”

从莱斯大学毕业后,我决定留在美国,因为有一件事我在中国肯定不如在美国能做得更好——具有民族特色。为了成为美国公民,我们移民必须要学习美国历史,很多问题诸如“本杰明·富兰克林是谁?”我们想“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因?”“第二修正案是什么?”我们就“啊...导致我们便利店被劫的原因?”“Roe vs Wade是什么?”我们又“啊...来到美国的两种途径?”(用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例,是一般美国人无法想象的视角。)

Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt. In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their parents’ income for early education and healthcare.之后我读了很多关于美国历史的书,以至于我都产生了白人负罪感。在美国人人生而平等,但出生后,就要看父母对子女在教育和医疗上的支付能力了。

I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have t o exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”.

我在《男人健康》杂志上看到奥巴马总统每周都有两天做有氧运动,四天做举重锻炼。我不用健身的,因为我有医疗保险。我住在马萨诸塞州,提供统一医疗保险,之后Scott Brown当上议员,说得有点乱,我想有部电影是关于Brown议员的,叫《Kill Bill》。(bill指法案。Brown是共和党人,刚当选麻省议员,反对全民医保。“扼杀了(医保)法案”。)

We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.拜登副总统也出席了今晚的晚宴。我曾经读过您的自传,现在终于有幸见到您,我觉得还是书上的更好看一些,他们应该让布拉德·皮特或是安吉丽娜·茱丽来出演您的故事。

We have many distinguished journalists here whom I consider as peers. I once wrote for the campus newspaper. Journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only in a newspaper ca n I say, “I was born in the year of the horse, that’s why I’m a neigh-sayer (nay-sayer)”. 今晚还有很多著名的新闻界认识,我把你们看做我的同事,因为我也曾经为校报写过报道。我认为新闻媒体是双关语最后的避难所。只有在报纸上我才可以说,“我出生在马年,所以我是个反对派。”(马叫声是neigh,neigh-sayer 就是发出马叫声的人,谐音nay-sayer,后者是总说反对意见,投反对票的人,nay常用在现场口头投票说不)

T his is my first time on CSPAN, a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn’t handle the demagoguery and sensationalism of PBS and QVC. If I still couldn’t go to sleep after watching CSPAN, there are CSPAN2 and 3!今天我第一次上CSPAN频道,当我受

不了PBS和QVC频道太过煽动的节目时我常常要看CSPAN。要是看完CSPAN我还睡不着觉的话,还有CSPAN-2和CSPAN-3嘛!(PBS有点类似中国的中央电视台,弘扬主旋律为主,QVC是电视购物频道,所以说这俩的审查和煽动性比较强。CSPAN 相当于美国国会的监控录像,全天直播国会的各种会议,听证,刚开始看了新鲜,时间长了就很无聊。)

I was just thrilled to be invited to tonight’s event. I showed the White House my jokes about the president,and that’s when Obama decided not to come and started the immigration reform. Take that Stephen Colbert! Obama has been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars and they still gave him the Nobel peace prize, and he accepted it. You can’t get more bad-ass than that! The only way you can be more bad-ass than is that if you took the peace prize money and gave it to the military.我受到今晚活动的邀请的确很激动。我曾在总统面前表演过我的笑话,这就是为什么奥巴马总统决定今晚不来了,据说他都开始考虑移民改革了。Stephen Colbert,看到了吧!奥巴马被批评过于软弱,但他正指导着两场战争,还被授予了诺贝尔和平奖,而且他竟然还接受了。没有比这更滑稽的了!或许要做到比这更荒谬的事只能是把得来的和平奖金再捐给军队吧。(Stephen Colbert曾当面羞辱了bush,但就是当面很尴尬而已,而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了)

I finally became a US citizen in 2008. Thank you! America is number one! That’s true! We won the World Series every year!

美国是老大,这是真的,我们每年不都是联赛冠军嘛!(讽刺了美国国内的各种职业联赛冠军头衔都叫World Champion。)After becoming the U.S. citizen, I immediately registered to vote for Obama/Biden. (Turn and face Biden) You are welcome. You had me at “Yes we can” That was their slogan.成为美国公民后,我立即注册投票给了奥巴马和拜登。(对着拜登说)不客气。你们那句“Yes we can”打动了我。这是他们的竞选口号。

After getting them elected, I felt this power trip and started to think maybe I should run for president myself. I have to explain a little here. I had always been kind of a morose and pessimistic guy. I feel that life is like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it’s really hard to tell. Now we have a president who is half black half white. Th at just gives me so much hope because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.

帮助他们获胜后,我内心的力量涌动,开始思考或许自己也可以角逐总统这个职位。我需要在这里稍作解释下,我一直是个抑郁悲观的人,我认为人生就好像在漆黑的冬夜在雪地里小便,你或许能做些许变化,但真的很难预言。现在我们有了一位一半白人血统、一半黑人血统的总统,这给了我很大希望,因为我是一半非白人血统、一半非黑人血统,负负得正嘛!(还有下一句没说:two illegals make a legal,指只要在美国境内出生就自动获得美国国籍,无论父母身份。)

So my fellow Americans, you may be thinking what is your campaign slogans? You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade. You too? I understand that Americans are suffering. My campaign slogan will be, “Who cares!”

所以我的美国同胞们,你们或许想知道我的竞选口号是什么。你想,我在过去的十年里度过了整整十个春秋,你们也是啊?我知道美国人日子不好过,因此我的口号就是“Hu cares!(Who cares!)”

If elected, I would make same sex not only legal, but required,that would get me the youth vote. You see that I am married now, but I used to be really sca red about marriage. I was like: “Wow! 50% of all marriages end up lasting fore ver!”I will eliminate unemployment by reducing the productivity of American workers so that two people have to do the job of one, just like the vice president and the president, the Olson twins.如果我当选,我会让同性婚姻不仅合法,而且必须,这样我会得到很多年轻选民的票。我现在已经结婚了,但我过去真的很恐惧婚姻,我常常想“天哪,竟有一半的婚姻最终是走过一生的!”我会设法减少失业,方法是减少美国人的生产效率,让两个人干一个人的活,就像副总统和总统这样,或者是Olson双胞胎这样。Despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die from natural causes. If elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. It may not be covered by insurance because of pre-existing conditions.除了心脏病和癌症,大多数美国人都是死于自然死亡,如果我当选,我会设法找到治愈自然死亡的方法,当然这是无法医保的,我们会在你买保险前检查你的身体状况。(pre-existing conditions是指购买医疗保险前的身体状况,保险公司会相应的拒保或者提高保费。)

I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fehrenheit to Celcius. It was 100 degre es and now it’s 40! You are welcome! I’m great at foreign policy because I’m from China and I c an see Russia from my backyard.

我有一个解决全球变暖的最快办法,我会要求将华氏温度改为摄氏温度,原先100度,现在变成40度啦。不客气。我在外交方面也有一套,因为我来自中国,我可以在后院监视俄罗斯。

On foreign policy. I believe that unilateralism is too expensive; open dialog is too slow. If elected, I will go with text messaging. I’ll text our allies just to say hi; and text our enemies when they are driving. “OMG you are making nuclear weapons! But U R doin g it wrong, LOL!”

提到外交政策,我认为单边主义代价太大,开放对话进程缓慢。如果我当选,我会采取发短信的方式。我会给我们的盟国发去短信,简答的打声招呼;给我们的敌人发去短信,当他们开车的时候,“哦天哪,你正在制作核武器,但你做得不对,大笑”。

I would like to thank Radio and TV Correspondents’ Association for giving such an incredible honor! This is the first time I wish my

3 year old son knew what I was doing. Thank you.

我要感谢美国记者协会今天对我的邀请和给予的殊荣,这是我第一次希望我3岁的儿子能知道他的父亲在做什么。谢谢!

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