Which Clothes Make The Man

Which Clothes Make The Man?

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Cathy Griffin and her boyfriend recently got dressed to go to Drago, a Santa Monica, Calif., restaurant. She donned a leopard-print chiffon dress with gold-and-pearl earrings. His ensemble? Frayed khaki pants, a green shirt missing a button, mismatched socks and a safari jacket.

'Perhaps you'd like to wear something a bit more formal?' Ms. Griffin, a 53-year-old executive recruiter, asked hopefully.

Nice try. Ms. Griffin's partner accused her of treating him like a child. She countered that he was dressed like one. They bickered. And he went to dinner in exactly what he'd originally planned to wear.

Long after we've learned to compromise on everything in a relationship, from where to live to what to eat tonight, personal style can seem like the last choice we get to make all by ourselves. Yet our spouse or significant other -- who admittedly has to look at us much more than we look at ourselves -- often has a strong opinion about what we wear. As any couples' therapist can tell you, an innocent-sounding 'Honey, are you really going to wear that?' often has the subtext 'It's going to reflect badly on me.'

Erika Chloe Grundland, 33, who runs a New York image- and fashion-consulting firm, wears designer clothes and coaches clients on how to improve their style. She's had no luck, though, with her fiance, Brian, who works at a hedge fund. He wears workout clothes to work -- sometimes with wingtip shoes. 'I cannot take him to social functions or events,' Ms. Grundland says. 'I am embarrassed by his personal appearance.'

In desperation, Ms. Grundland has hidden his sweats, shrunk sweaters in the dryer and cut holes in T-shirts. She has stocked his closet with custom-made suits and other new clothes -- which he, for the most part, ignores. This has led to arguments. 'I love him, but this makes things complicated where they shouldn't be complicated,' says Ms. Grundland. Her fiance declined to comment.

Relationships don't start out this way. At first, we're often attracted to, or at least tolerant of, a potential partner's style -- a quirky tie, a beat-up jacket, even a confident obliviousness to fashion. But just wait. See what happens when we find a mate and feel we can relax -- when we trade in the tailored shirts or stiletto heels for pants with expandable waistbands.

Ms. Griffin, of the safari-jacket episode, admits that when she first met her boyfriend, Peter Byrne,

85, a novelist and wildlife conservationist, she fell hard for what she thought of then as his 'Indiana Jones look.' Now, she says, he thinks she's a 'control freak.' 'Bossy broad' is the term he prefers, yet he says he's accustomed to her nagging, which he often ignores. 'I felt I was dressed comfortably and appropriately,' Mr. Byrne says of the Drago evening.

We usually can trust our friends when they tell us they don't like what we're wearing. If they don't do it too often, it seems like they're doing us a favor, saving us from bad choices. But this isn't so true of a mate. In our minds, a romantic partner is supposed to love us unconditionally and find us attractive even if we're wearing a burlap sack. Criticism from a sexual partner can cut to the quick.

I will admit that there's a double standard when it comes to women and men: Women seem to be allowed -- maybe even expected -- to make over their men. It's a time-honored tradition. (Why else would my cousin, Allon, have shown up at a family event last week wearing a cowl-neck T-shirt?)

Debbie Moore, 53, a communications consultant from Mount Laurel, N.J., says her husband, Greg, needed 'spiffing up' when she first met him. At the time, he was fond of old jeans, sneakers and a red sweatshirt with an American flag on the back that had once belonged to his daughter's boyfriend. Ms. Moore helped him pick out a new polo shirt, dressy shorts and his first pair of boat shoes when she brought him home to meet her family. 'I was surprised he didn't mind it, and his positive response encouraged me,' she says. His willingness to change 'spoke to the kind of person he is -- open-minded and willing to trust.' ('I needed guidance,' says Mr. Moore, 56. 'I like to look good for my wife.')

Woe to the man, though, who tries to make over his woman. With rare exceptions, even the most fashion-challenged woman thinks she knows more than her husband does about style. We're often more insecure, and our memories for perceived insults rival those of elephants.

Don't believe me? Ask my brother-in-law, JJ. When my sister, Rachel, recently asked him how her outfit looked, he answered, 'Like something a grandma would wear,' and added that he couldn't picture any of his female classmates in law school wearing it. I wish you could have seen the look Rachel gave him. She didn't speak to him for the rest of the day -- and brings this comment up every chance she gets. 'So much for honesty,' JJ says.

Therapists say that over time a partner's odd clothing choices may start to represent aspects of their personality that annoy us, whether it's laziness, carelessness or vanity. 'The reaction to the clothing is a symptom,' says Michael Zentman, a psychologist and director of the postgraduate program in marriage and couple therapy at Adelphi University, Garden City, N.Y.

Rob Wilson can tell you the exact item of clothing that helped end his 22-year marriage: the periwinkle capri pants his now ex-wife brought home for him a few years ago. 'They didn't even look like clam diggers,' says the 53-year-old motivational speaker from Atlanta. 'They looked like girl pants.'

In the early 1980s, when Mr. Wilson met his wife, who works in the fashion industry, he was sporting bell bottoms and floral shirts, and was happy to follow her advice. She introduced him to the color pink and taught him to wear suits with T-shirts instead of ties. 'I loved her and wanted to please her,' Mr. Wilson says. As time went on, though, he began to push back. 'I felt like it was controlling behavior,' Mr. Wilson says.

His ex-, Karen Johnson, 50, says she doesn't remember the capris but admits she did sometimes bring home 'weird' clothing samples from work. 'I was just trying to help him,' she says. 'I never tried to dictate what he should wear.'

So what does Mr. Wilson wear these days? Bell bottoms and Birkenstocks -- with socks.

Elizabeth Bernstein

最

近，格里芬（Cathy Griffin）和她的男友打算一起去加州圣莫尼卡（Santa Monica）一家名叫Drago的餐厅吃晚饭。格里芬佩戴了黄金珍珠耳环，穿上了豹纹雪纺连衣裙。她的男友呢？穿了一条磨旧的卡其布裤子，身着少了一颗纽扣的绿色衬衫，还有毫不匹配的猎装外套和短袜。

53岁的人事主管格里芬满怀希望地问道，或许你应该穿得更正式一点？

这下可好，格里芬的男友指责她像对待小孩那样和他说话，她则回应说他的穿着看上去就像个小孩。他们开始争吵，结果男友最后就是穿着前面说过的那套行头去吃晚餐。

Jason Schneider

夫妻关系本来就是一段学会相互妥协的旅程，从生活在哪个城市，到晚上在哪儿吃饭，我们

在一切大事小情上都得学会妥协。在这之后，个人的穿衣风格似乎是最后一件我们可以做主的事情。可就是在这件事情上，我们也身不由己。你的另一半和那些经常会见到你的人都在很大程度上影响你的穿衣选择。就像任何一个婚姻家庭咨询师都会告诉你的那样，一句听似无心的“亲爱的，你真的打算穿这件吗？”其实暗含下面的潜台词：“如果你这样穿，将有损我的形象。”

33岁的葛兰德兰（Erika Chloe Grundland）在纽约经营一家形象和时尚咨询公司。平日里她穿着大牌设计师设计的名牌服装，指导客户如何提升穿衣品位。但她那位在对冲基金工作的未婚夫布莱恩（Brian）同样没有穿衣品位。他常穿着运动衣去上班，有时还搭配翼纹尖头鞋。葛兰德兰说，我无法和他一起参加社交活动。他的形象令我感到很尴尬。

无奈之下，葛兰德兰只好把男友的运动套装和缩水的套头毛衣藏在烘干机里，并把他的T 恤剪了许多洞。她在男友的衣柜里摆放了定做西装和其他新衣服，但在大多数时候，他都视而不见。这往往会引发争执。葛兰德兰说，我爱他，但如何穿衣这件事令很多事情变得复杂，生活本不应该是这样的。她的未婚夫则拒绝发表评论。

两性关系一开始并不是这样的。起初，我们常常为意中人的穿衣风格所吸引，或者至少能够容忍对方的选择，比如一条古怪的领带，一件破旧的外套，甚至那种对时尚毫不在意的自信态度。但随着交往的深入，当我们找到了生命中的另一半，感到可以放松下来的时候，情况就变了：我们放弃了定制衬衫或细高跟鞋，换上了可缩放腰围的长裤。

前文那位格里芬承认，当她第一次见到现任男友彼得?伯恩（Peter Byrne）时，她深深地为男友那副酷似“印第安那?钟斯”（Indiana Jones，哈里森?福特在影片《夺宝奇兵》中扮演的角色）的外貌所吸引。85岁的伯恩是一名小说家和野生动物保护者。但现在格里芬说她的男友认为她是一个“控制狂”——用她男友的话说就是一个“波士总管”（Bossy broad）。伯恩已经习惯了她的唠叨，多数时候选择两耳不闻。在Drago吃饭的那个晚上，他认为自己穿着舒适，也很得体。

如果朋友告诉我们穿着不是很得体，我们一般都会遵从他们的建议。只要他们不是经常对我们的穿着指指点点，我们都会把这当作善意的提醒，以避免自己穿衣不当。但伴侣之间就是另外一回事了。在我们看来，另一半应该无条件地爱我们，哪怕我们只是身裹一条麻袋，对方都应该觉得我们很有魅力。来自伴侣的批评会让我们觉得很受伤。

我承认具体到男人和女人，在这件事有着双重标准：女人可以（甚至是被认为应该）安排男人的穿衣打扮，这是一个由来已久的传统（否则我的表哥Allon又怎么会懂得在上周的家庭聚会上穿一件翻领T恤呢？）。

53岁的黛比?摩尔（Debbie Moore）是新泽西州月桂山市（Mount Laurel）的一名对外联络顾问。她说自己第一次见到现在的丈夫葛列格（Greg）时，觉得他需要一番“时尚大改造”。那时的葛列格喜欢穿旧牛仔裤和运动鞋，搭配一件背后印有美国国旗的红色运动衫。这件运动衫还是他女儿男友曾经穿过的。摩尔带他回家见自己的家人时，特地为他挑了一件新的polo衫，一条考究的短裤和他平生的第一双帆船鞋。摩尔说，我很惊讶他并不介意我为他这么做，他的积极反应鼓励了我。他愿意改变的态度证明了他是一个思想开放的人，愿意相信他人。（56岁的葛列格说，我需要穿衣指导，我愿意为我的妻子改变自己的形象。）

而对男人来说，如果你试图改造女人，那么灾难就要降临了。除了极少数例外，即便是那些最不懂时尚的女人也认为自己比丈夫了解服饰潮流。女性往往更缺乏安全感，因此感觉受侮辱常常会耿耿于怀。

你不相信我说的话？那么就问问我的妹夫JJ吧。最近我妹妹瑞吉儿（Rachel）问他对自己穿的那套套装的看法，JJ回答说“就像老奶奶穿的一样”，还不忘加上一句，说他无法想像自己在法学院的女同学会穿这样的衣服。我真希望你能看到当时瑞吉儿给他的表情，那之后的一整天她都没和JJ说话，此后只要有机会她就会把我妹夫的评价说给别人听。JJ感叹道，我真傻，说的也太直白。

婚姻咨询顾问则说，随着时间的推移，你的另一半古怪的穿衣选择也许代表了他们性格中那些会激怒我们的某些方面，比如说懒惰、疏忽或虚荣。纽约州花园城（Garden City）艾德菲大学（Adelphi University）婚姻和夫妻心理治疗的研究生课程主任、心理学家詹特曼(Michael Zentman)说，对伴侣穿着的反应是一种征兆。

53岁的威尔逊（Rob Wilson）是亚特兰大的一名励志演说家，他至今还清楚地记得到底是哪一件衣服结束了他22年的婚姻生活。几年前，他的前妻给他买了一条浅蓝色的七分裤，在他看来，这哪是什么七分裤啊，就是一条女式的裤子嘛。

在上世纪80年代初，威尔逊先生认识了在时尚界工作的前妻。当时他还“自豪地”穿着喇叭裤和花衬衫，不过他很乐意接受前妻的穿衣指导。她把粉色系的服装介绍给了威尔逊，教会他穿西装也可以搭配T 恤，而不仅仅是领带。威尔逊说，我爱她，想让她高兴。但是，随着时间的推移，他开始渐渐不能接受了。威尔逊说，我觉得这是对我行为的控制。

他的前妻詹森今年50岁，她说自己不记得那条裤子的事情，但她承认有时下班会带些很“怪异”的服装回家。她说，我只是想帮助他，我从来没有试图去支配他，命令他应该穿什么。

那么现在威尔逊又穿些什么呢？依旧是喇叭裤配勃肯鞋——只不过现在他穿上了袜子！

Elizabeth Bernstein

（本文版权归道琼斯公司所有，未经许可不得翻译或转载。）