英语幽默小笑话

一．A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

二.The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

三.My First and My LastWhen George was thirty-five, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

乔治35岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought, "I've travelled in a big plane several times, but I've never been in a small one, so I'll go."

乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。马克心想，“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。”They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice, "Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane."

后来他们着陆了。马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”

Gerogy was very surprised and said, "Two trips?"

乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？”

"Yes, my first and my last," answered Mark.

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。

四.Peter joined the army when he was eighteen, and for several months he was taught how to be a good soldier. He did quite well in everything except shooting. One day he and his friends were practicing their shooting, and all of them were doing quite well except Peter. After he had shot at the target nine times and had not hit it once, the officer who was trying to teach the young soldiers to shoot said, "You're quite hopeless, Peter! Don't waste your last bullet too! Go behind that wall and shoot yourself with it!"

Peter felt ashamed. He went behind the wall, and a few seconds later the officer and the other young soldiers heard the sound of a shot.

"Heavens!" the officer said. "Has that silly man really shot himself?"

He ran behind the wall anxiously, but Peter was all right. "I'm sorry, sir," he said, "but I missed again."

彼得十八岁那年参了军，他需要参加几个月的学习以成为一名好士兵。彼得在其他方面都做得很好，但是射击不行。一天他和伙伴们练习射击，除了彼得其他人都没有问题。他射了九次，一次也没有命中目标。这时，教新兵射击的教官说：“彼得，你看来是没希望了，不要连最后一发子弹都浪费掉！去那堵墙后面用它向自己打一枪吧。”

彼得感到非常惭愧。他走到那堵墙后面。几分钟后，教官和新兵们听到一声枪响。“上帝！”教官叫起来，“难道那个笨蛋真的朝自己开枪了？”

他急忙跑到那堵墙后面，发现彼得安然无恙。“对不起，长官，”他说，“我还是没有命中。”

五.A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes.

有个小男孩非常需要50美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元，因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封感谢信，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而，我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。

六.Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow." A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class." The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way. 汤姆教授打算第二天与他的学生见面，因此他在黑板上写道：“汤姆教授明天将和大家见面”。一位学生看到这条通知后，觉得展示自己幽默感的机会来了，就走上前，将“class”中的“c”擦掉，教授听到笑声，转过身走回来，看了看那位学生，又看看被改动过的通知，不动声色地走上前，把“lass” 中的“l”擦掉，看了看那位目瞪口呆的学生，教授扬长而去。

One night just before Valentine's Day a woman had a lovely dream about a beautiful necklace.

When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it could mean?"

"You'll find out on Valentine's Day." he said with a knowing smile.

On Valentine's Day, the man gave his delighted wife a beautifully wrapped package.

Excitedly, she opened it, only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams".

七.情人节前一天，一个女人做了个项链的梦。

当她醒来，她和她丈夫说：“我刚梦到你情人节给了我一根珍珠项链。你说那是什么含义呢？”。

“到情人节那天你就会知道了。”他笑着说。

情人节那天，男人给了他老婆一个礼盒。

她很兴奋地打开，看到的却是一本书，书名是《梦的解析》。

八、一群伟大的科学家去世后在天堂里玩藏猫猫。轮到爱因斯坦抓人，他数到100睁开眼睛，看到所有的人都藏起来了，只有牛顿还站在那里。

A bunch of great, DEAD scientists were playing hide-and-seek in heaven. When it's Einstein's turn to be the seeker, he counted untill 100 and opened his eyes. All the others were hide, but only Newton were still standing there.

爱因斯坦走过去说：“牛顿，我抓住你了。”

Einstein walked to him and said: "Newton, I've got you!"

牛顿：“不，你没有抓到牛顿。”

Newton answered: "No. You didn't got Newton."

爱因斯坦：“你不是牛顿你还能是谁？”

Einstein said: "Then who are you!?"

牛顿：“你看我脚下是什么？”

Newton said: "Look, where am I standing?"

爱因斯坦低头，看到牛顿站在一块长、宽都是一米的正方形地板砖上，大为不解。

Einstein looked down and found that Newton was standing on a square floor board with one metre long and one metre wide. He didn't understand.

牛顿：“我脚下是一平方米的方块，我站在上面就是牛顿/平方米。所以你抓住的不是牛顿，你抓住的是帕斯卡。”

Newton then said: "There's one square meters under my feet. It then make us 'Newton divided by square meter". So, what you've got is not Newton, but Pascal."

九.A schoolboy went home with a pain in his stomach.

一个男孩放学回家时，感到肚子疼。

"Well, sit down and have some snacks," said his mother. "Your stomach's hurting because it's empty. It'll be all right when you've got something in it." “来，坐下吃些点心，”他的妈妈说。“你肚子疼，是因为肚子空了。你吃了东西，就没事了。”Shortly afterwards, dad came in from work, complaining of a headche. "That's because it's empty," said his son. "You'll be all right if you have something in it." 过了一会儿，男孩的爸爸下班回来，抱怨说自己头疼。“你头疼，是因为脑袋空了，”他的儿子说，“脑袋里装点东西，就没事了。”

十.It was so late. Frank lay in bed and demanded his mother to peel the apple for him.

天很晚了。弗兰克躺在床上，要妈妈给他削苹果吃。

"It's so late, sonny, that apples have already gone to bed."

“孩子，太晚了，苹果已经睡觉了。”

"No, they won't, mama. The small apples may have gone to bed, but the big ones mustn't."

“不，不会的，妈妈。小苹果可能睡了，但大苹果一定没有睡。”

十一."My father made a scarecrow so good that crows would not come within three miles of his farm," a boy boasted.

一个男孩夸口说：“我爸爸做的稻草人非常好，所以他的农场3英里内都没有乌鸦。”"That's nothing," his friend said. "My uncle made a scarecrow so good that the crows brought back all the corn they had stolen the previous years."

“那有什么，”他的朋友说：“我叔叔做的稻草人非常棒，乌鸦把去年偷的所有粮食都送了回来。”

十二.A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign ... hit his car broadside, and knocked him cold. Passerbys pulled him from the wreck and revived him. He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he was calm, they asked him why he struggled so. He said, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of a huge, flashing 'Shell' sign. And somebody was standing in front of the 'S.'

有个人开车行驶在上班的路上，一辆卡车闯红灯从侧面撞上了他的车，当时他就不省人事了。路旁的行人把他从车里拉出来并唤醒他。刚一醒过来，他就拼命的挣扎着，最后不得不用了药物才让他镇静下来。过了一会儿，他平静了，别人问他为什么要这么恐怖的挣扎，他说：“被撞之后我就什么都不知道了，当我醒过来，我发现我躺在了路边，前面是一个巨大的广告牌上面闪烁着…壳牌?，但是有个人挡住了那个“S”。”

十三.Little Mike was visiting on his grandparents' farm. Checking the chicken's tail, he came upon a peacock. He ranquickly to the house shouting, "Granny, come quick! Your chicken is in bloom!"

小迈克正在参观爷爷奶奶的农场。他在鸡群中看到一只孔雀。他马上跑向屋子，大声喊道：“奶奶，快来！你的一只鸡开花了！”