全国英语创新大赛初赛高分作文+名师点评

陈茜

江苏省张家港市第三中学高三18班

Dear grandfather:

How are you?

I am writing to invite you to join us, in the next year, to be a volunteer in the great event, which is to hold in Shanghai. We, a generation born in the 90s in our city, have made a team to do the volunteer work. And you are welcomed by all our team members awing to your great amount of knowledge about Chinese traditions and culture. Please don't tell me you are too old to do this job. I believe you are sure to accept my invitation after reading my following explaination of the importance of the volunteer work.

Nowadays, volunteer work, which has raised public interest and concern, is becomming more and more popular throughout the world. As is known to all, volunteer work is not only meaningful but also necessary. One my personal wete, what's more, it's interesting and pleasant! It help us develop ourselves .

Firstly, for individuals, especially those young, to do volunteer work is an available way to gain social experience. By doing volunteer work, they can meet varrious people and they may run across all kinds of troubles. They however, can become mature and determined by solving these problems. You know, no pains, no gains. Also, individuals will realize that they do make a difference in someone else's life, even the whole event, the world! Their confidence can be raised and confidence is what it takes to do any job well.

For families,if you're the side that received the help of the volunteers, of couse your issue will be more easily dealt with.If you're the side who give others your hand, you will realize there exists no better way to educate your children that “a virtwre deserues amother” because you'll get the best present - smile deeply from one's heart, in the whole world.

It is a great chance for all members getting closer to each other in communities by taking part in volunteer work. Their team spirits, their co-operation will be great improued. So, why not?

The most importantly, for the whole world,for the entire human race, volunteer work will make earth a better place to live in, it is through volunteer work that we know there are so many people are willing to help others although they can't get money from it. It is through volunteer work that we know we are all brothers and sisters, that we are all families.

My dear grandfather, came on! Join us and help introduce our great Chinese culture to the world. 21 century is on open century. You can trust yourself and please trust us, too! We'll help you and we need you help! Let's make the world a better place by being a volunteer! It's a small step for us but it is a large one for the whole world!

Love you.

Your granddaughter.

专家建议：

句子之间的衔接做的还不是很到位，建议多练练关联词的用法。

词汇不够丰富，句型变化不多，建议多看些范文，多练一些经典句型。

专家点评：

文章立意很好，整体结构清晰，语言大体流畅，还能够引经据典，显示出有一定的文化底蕴。

专家建议：

一篇文章的结构是评判该文章优劣的重要参考标准，但结构显然不够简洁清晰，所以建议作者能在平时多阅读英文报纸上的文章，有意识地观察规范的英语文章是怎样设计结构的。

专家点评：

文章二三段的结构很混乱，建议这样的文章段落都应写成总、分、总的形式更能突出文章的逻辑性，并在“分”的部分也一条一条分开写，而不是都堆在一段内，让人分不清哪句是观点哪句是论证，很混乱。另外注意同义词的替换已是文章表达更丰富，比如文章中多次出现的帮助他人就都是使用：help others就显得过于单一了~

专家建议：

建议该生平时利用好学校里使用的中学英语教科书，因为教科书的权威性不容置疑，选材也适合中学生，是精读甚至背诵的最好选择。之所以推荐给作者教科书，是因为该考生在写作长句子时出现较多错误，说明该生的语法基础不够夯实，那么中学英语课本就恰好能弥补这个弱点。

专家点评：

文章结构清晰明了，简洁明了的开头和结尾紧扣主题，精干又有力，很方便读者对文章主旨的把握。中间部分的逻辑性强，思路也很清晰。唯一不足的是在一些长难句的表达上出现了一些错误，有些句子让人很难理解。在以后的写作中可以多关注长句子的练习。

专家建议：

建议作者多阅读整篇的英语文章，增强自己的“篇章感“，因为在该篇文章中存在的问题主要是段落见缺乏紧密联系，所以造成各段之间的孤立感的形成，建议作者以后写作时注意段落间的合理过渡。

专家点评：

整体结构很好，尤其第一段开门见山的明确了文章的主题，给读者非常好的第一印象。唯一不足的是第三段与上文的衔接很生硬，并且没有段落主题句，会影响文章整体的逻辑感。另外，有个别句子出现表意不明的现象，单词拼写也存在问题，所以希望以后写作时注意细节。

专家建议：

很显然，该考生在文章的结构设置以及语言积累方面都有待提高，建议该考生平时进一步拓宽阅读面，在阅读同时有意识地积累语言的表达法，并且注意模仿优秀英语文章是如何组织结构的。

专家点评：

文章通过小故事托出主题的方式很新颖，文章整体也有一定逻辑关系。但应该把重点放在后面对volunteer的段落中，并适当减少第二段的字数，以起到抛砖引玉的作用而非头重脚轻。另外，文章出现多处搭配问题，建议平时注重基础的积累。

Volunteers: an indispensable role in society

宋思思

江苏省南京市南京外国语学校高三3班

Have you ever taken part into volunteer work? Have you ever been touched by the altruistic spirit of volunteers? Have you ever found your friends much maturer after a voluntary job? If you have experienced any of the situations I mentioned before, you will undoubtedly agree that in this highly-developed world, volunteer work, free of any reward, does play an indispensable role which enjoys a unique significance. Through different kinds of voluntary jobs burgeon a rounded individual a harmonious family and a developed country. Numerous examples hereby listed do stand for my point of the importance of volunteers.

The point of pinnacle importance for my view focuses on the enhancement of a single person, especially the youth. According to a survey conducted by UNESCO the United Nations, Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organization, among parents and children around the world, about 95.5% of the parents admits that they find their children care more about the society after long time of volunteer work. The result also indicate s the fact that 98% of, the children gets along better with their friends and coorperate with them more easily. Researchers believe that it is the volunteer work that not only develops children?s' social responsibily but also teaches them how to work in a team, which is coined as team-working spirit. In this case, nobody could deny the positive influence the voluntary jobs put on individuals.

What is more, a voluntary job can sometimes even bring harmony and happiness to families. Generally speaking, working as volunteers gives rise to common topics among family members and makes people understand more about each other. Take myself as an example. Before, hardly could I communicate with my parents for I definitely believed big age gap made us lack of common interests. After being volunteers in an elderly home together, however we enjoy more common topics such as how to make the elderly happiness or which kind of meals is best for the elderly. To be further, Rither my parents and I realize there is a lot to learn from each other and a hanmonious family is consequently achieved. Thanks to the voluntary jobs, had we not joined in the same volunteer work, we would have never had such a satisfactory relationship.

Bertrand Russell, a highly respected and well-known philosopher in

19th century, once pointed out …To a country, none of the rules is worth a voluntary action?, which dramatically matches what 1 am getting on. Rather than any rule or poliey that forces citizens to follow, a voluntary deed, largely from individuals' willing, exert s more optimistic influence on the development of a country. On one hand when people work as a volunteers, they do what they like to do while they show their social responsibility to the whole society. On the other hand, any of the significant changes involve in all citizens. Needless to say, all citizens' involvement as volunteers to some extend, enjoys a higher status than laws from a small part of people in the country.

In light of the examples ranging from individuals, families to a whole country, we could definitely summarize that as more and more people involve into the volunteer jobs, unimaginable accomplishment achieved and a higher quality of individuals comes out. Not only does a person himself, but also a family and a country do benefit from volunteers!

专家点评：本文作者用词准确，句型高级，结构层次分明，难能可贵的是举例充分且恰当，虽然有一些小的瑕疵，但不失为一篇优秀的文章，值得我们好好研究和学习。

专家建议：受文化，历史背景和环境的影响，我国学生在写英语时喜欢拐弯抹角，喜欢长句子，喜欢重复，喜欢大话，空话。总是写无意义的理论，而很少举例说明，多强调数量而忽视质量，我们必须要杜绝这一现象，中国学生在写作中最缺乏的一件事情就是不会举例说明，所以平时我们要多看名人传记，多注意和留心身边发生的有哲学思想的事情，善于总结，日积月累，厚积薄发。

The Advantages and Disadvantages of Computers

褚婧雅

湖南省长沙市天心区长郡中学高二0612班

Nobody denies that we can live a colourful life with computers. No matter who we are, no matter what kind of job we do, we all need a computer to surf the Internet or spend on playing computers for recreations. However, computers bring us both advantages and disadvantages.

Computers provide us with various of imformation. We can get a knowledge of news, advertisements and even great events about the whole world. During the 2008 Olympic games, people can learn a lot about the competitions, sports games, reports or the results of the Olympic Games. Computers really supply us with vivid images about the society.

In addition, computers make we study more effectivly. It is undoubtedly that lots of students are able to get large amounts of e-books from computers. For example, we always use computers as tools to learn English or other popular languages. Stressed out as we are, we listen to the computers and speak aloud by following it. Moreover, adults also get a lot from computers when they want to study or in need of piles of files about their work.

Generally speaking, with the Internet, we find it easier to share achievements, happiness and sorrows with friends in the world through communications on computers. Not only can we talk about funny things, but also we can know more about the different cultures from different backgrounds. A majority of people are engaged in commucating with friends through QQ or MSN. It is

yeally an attractive and happy thing to enjoy in our spare time. Achievements, happiness and sorrows in daily life are all got across to each sides of the “bridge”, and we can eventually satisfy our inner desire and become more energetic.

As a matter of fact, I'm afraid, some teens are hooked on playing computer games. It possiblly makes them go astray. These students have been addicted to computers and only few of them can be saved from this awful troubles. How dissapointed their parerts are! What can hopefully relief them? As for this situation, in fact, computers paly a cruel killer that avoid students from studying and even ruin their bright future.

In conclusion, without computers, there is little chance to change our life and we may not live a life so efficiently. But if some people who not take care of computers, they will loose their beautiful tomorrow. So please regard computers as coins with two sides.

专家建议：

建议该考生针对自己的写作语言还有必要再雕琢的情况，平时在学习中学课本或是阅读课外权威英语材料时，有意识地积累文章中的英语表达，以便以后在写作过程中使用。另外，文章中偶尔出现逻辑错误，这就要求考生平时有意识地多阅读英文议论文章，并且观察与模仿文章中严谨精确的逻辑关系，提升自己的逻辑思考能力。

专家点评：

该篇文章分为多个段落，段落间结构基本清晰，内容丰满充沛。文章语言运用绝对超出了现阶段高中生的平均水平，词汇运用较为准确和高级，语法及句型运用也较为丰富和多变，是一篇不可多得的中学生英语文章。但文章中的个别语句还有空间再进行雕琢，可使文章语言更地道更严谨。

Are the US TV series good for teenagers?

For all we know, the US TV series has been popular in China. An increasing number of people, especially teenagers, are crazy about enjoying the US TV series. It is not just because they are interesting, but also they can help teenagers with their language sense. More important, they can learn lots of communicative skills and new vocabularies. However, still, some people hold the contrary ideas. They argue that watching TV series can do nothing with their studies, but waste their time.

As far as I can see, it is not true that watching US TV series is useless. First of all, via enjoying the dramas, we can get familiar with the native pronunciation and intonation even without noticing that. Second, it is a good way to enhance our memory of language points through the input from

visual and auditory organs. Furthermore, there?s no better way for us to know the Western societies, learn different cultures and ideas, enlarge horizon and knowledge as well as freshen up our views.

Truth to be told, not all the US dramas are suitable for teenagers. Some of them will give teenagers negative opinions, which shall cause many side effects. To deal with it, we need to choose dramas correctly, which means, we would like to choose positive, animated, and common dramas which are more suitable for us. We need to be careful about what we watch. It is too difficult to understand if the dramas are with local accent and southern accent. What?s worse, it is not possible for us to learn anything from them. Instead, some easy ones are selectable, such as “Friends” “The Bi g Bang Theory”. During those dramas, conversations are simple, and vocabularies are basic, thus, they are the better ones to help you with the pronunciation and conversation.

Surely it?s important to arrange time well for studying and watching. As a student, especially a high school student, we have much work and little leisure time. So we should watch TV series less during the school time and enjoy them with limits when we are free, which could make us relax and learn English. As old saying goes, “Kill two birds with one stone”.

How do we watch US dramas? I think there are three points. First and the most important, choose dramas correctly. If they are not suitable, they will be useless.Second, don?t use the subtitle. If there is subtitle, it will catch our eyes and we won?t be able to use brains and auditory organs. Third, at least watch them more than twice. We watch them without the subtitle for the first time, and with them for the second and third time, which can make us understand. Last,put down new words, and then look for them in a dictionary. This will help us remember them.

That?s all I want to talk about the US TV series. So, do you agree with me?