经典英文笑话集锦(双语对照)

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says

"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"

呵呵,一个比一个效率高.

Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙

的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"

My Baby Swallowed a Bullet

Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?

Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."

Notes

1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹

2. to point at: 对...瞄准

个中意味自己体会吧:)

Allybaby

Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”

fool_fox

标题：I'm the boss

内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office https://www.360docs.net/doc/458185761.html,ter that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

note:staff meeting:员工会议

再来一个：Wife's picture

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈

martini 马提尼酒

peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看

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1.A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

2.Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 togeth er." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!

3.Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"

4.Let me take it down

An elephant said to a mouse ,"no doubt that you are the smallest znd most useless thing that Ihave e ver seen ."

"Pless ,say it again .Let me take it down ."the mouse said ."I will tell a flea what I know."

为我所用

一头大象对一只小老鼠说：“你无疑是我见过的最小、最没用的东西。”

“请再说一遍，让我把它记下来。”老鼠说。“我要讲给我认识的一只跳蚤听。

5.Watering Flower In Rain

Tom:Why doyou have that watering can?

Dan:I'm going to water the flowers.

Tom:But it'd raining.

Dan:That's OK.I'm wear-ing my raincoat.

雨天浇花

汤姆：你拿喷壶做什么？

丹：我要去浇花。

汤姆：可是，在下雨呀！

丹：没关系，我穿着雨衣呢！

How are you? (怎么是你？）

How old are you?（怎么老是你？）

Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa.

钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡.

One should love animals. They are so tasty.

每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃.

Save water. Shower with your girlfriend.

要节约用水,尽量和女友一起洗澡.

Love the neighbor. But don't get caught.

要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

每个成功男人的背后,都有一个女人. 每个不成功男人的背后, 都有两个.

Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life.

再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚,幸福不是永久的嘛.

The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise. 聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来.

Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚（联系）.

Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today.

不要等明天交不上差再找借口, 今天就要找好.

Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop.

爱情就象照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养. （老外也保守，要摸黑办事，哈哈）

Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children.

后排座位上的小孩会生出意外, 后排座位上的意外会生出小孩.

"Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep.

"现在的梦想决定着你的将来",所以还是再睡一会吧.

There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning.

应该有更好的方式开始新一天,而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来.

"Hard work never killed anybody." But why take the risk? "

努力工作不会导致死亡!"不过我不会用自己去证明.

"Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "

工作好有意思耶!"尤其是看着别人工作.

God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends.

神决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地.

When two's company, three's the result!

两个人的状态是不稳定的,三个人才是!

A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

服饰就象铁丝网,它阻止你冒然行动但并不妨碍你尽情的观看.

The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn.

学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多,忘记的越多, 忘记的越多,知道的越少, 为什么学来着?!

There is a new book out called How To Be Happy Without Money...It costs ten dollars. 译: 有一本叫<怎样在无钱的时候快乐>的新书出版了...价格10美元.

Did you hear about the snake charmer who married an undertaker? They now have towels marked "Hiss" and "Hearse."

注:"Hiss" - 蛇发出的丝丝声音同"his" - 他的. "Hearse" - 灵车音同"hers" - 她的

译:你知道有一个迷弄蛇的人娶了一个殡仪员吗?现在他们的毛巾上标着"丝丝"和"灵车".(也

同:你知道有一个迷弄蛇的人取了一个殡仪员吗?现在他们的毛巾上标着"他的"和"她的") Flip: If you were in a jungle by yourself and an elephant charged you, what would you do?

Flop：Pay him.

注:Charge有"攻击"也有"索取钱财"的意思.

译:

甲:如果在森林里一只大象在你独自一人时攻击你,你会怎么做?(也同:如果在森林里一只大象在你独自一人时向你索取钱财,你会怎么做?)

乙:负钱给它呗.

My cellar is so damp， when I lay a mousetrap， I catch fish.

译:我的地窖太潮湿了,当我在里面放了捕鼠器时,我逮到了鱼.

Teacher: Joseph, name two pronouns.

Joseph: Who, me?

Teacher: Correct!

译:

老师:约瑟夫,说出两个代名词.

约瑟夫:谁?我?(被点到名时的惊讶与疑问中)

老师:对了!

Clara: Do you realize it takes three sheep to make one sweater?

Sarah: I didn't even know they could knit.

译:

Clara:你知道要三只羊才能织出一件毛衣吗?

Sarah:我根本不知道它们会纺织.

"Waiter, please get that fly out of my soup. I want to dine alone."

译:“服务生,请你将那只苍蝇从我的汤里取出来,我想单独进餐!”

Doctor: How did you get here so fast?

Patient: Flu.

译:

医生: 你怎么这么快就来了?(指速度快,到达目的地的时间短.)

病人: 流感.

Patient: What does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Nothing.

译:

病人: 我头颅的X-射线显示了什么?

医生: 什么都没有.

"I told you not to swallow!" yelled the dentist. "That was my last pair of pliers." 译:"我叫你不要咽的!"牙医大叫道:"那是我的最后一把钳子."

Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?

Nurse: No, is it missing?

译:

医生:你给病人量体温了吗?(也同:你拿走病人的体温了吗?)

护士:没有,它丢了吗?(明显把体温当东西看待了)

Waiter: These are the best eggs we've had for years.

Customer: Well, bring me some you haven't had around for that long.

译:

服务生: 这是我们这几年内最好的鸡蛋了.(也同:这是我们存了很多年的最好的鸡蛋了.) 顾客: 好吧,给我一些你没有放了那么久的鸡蛋.

Dit: My grandfather was a Pole.

Dot: North or South?

注: Pole可作"波兰人"也可做"地极".

译:

甲: 我的祖父是波兰人.(也同:我的祖父是地极.)

乙: 北极还是南极?

Nit: I lived for a week on a can of sardines.

Rita: How did you keep from falling off?

译:

尼特: 我整整一个星期只靠一盒沙丁鱼为生.(也同:我在一盒沙丁鱼上活了一星期.)

丽塔: 你是怎样才不掉下来的?

Sam had just completed his first day at school. "What did you learn today?" asked his mother. "Not enough," said Sammy. "I have to go back tomorrow."

译: 山姆第一天放学回家时,他的母亲问道:"你今天学了什么?"

"学得不够."山姆回答道:"明天我还得去."

A ten-year-old boy was told to take care of his younger sister while his parents went

into town on business. He decided to go fishing and took his little sister along.

"I'll never do that again," the boy complained to his mother that night. "I didn't catch a thing."

Mother said, "I'm sure she will be quiet next time, if you just explain to her that the fish run away when there's noise."

"It wasn't the noise," the boy said. "She ate the bait."

译:当一个十岁小男孩的父母进城做生意时,他被指令照看他的妹妹.男孩决定带他的妹妹去

钓鱼.

"我以后再也不会带她去钓鱼了."当晚,男孩向他的母亲抱怨道:"我什么都没吊到."

他的母亲说:"如果你向她解释噪声会吓跑鱼的话,我敢肯定下次她会安静的."

"不是噪音的问题."男孩答道:"她把鱼饵给吃了."

Little Girl: I'd like to buy a puppy, sir. How much do they cost?

Store Owner: Ten dollars apiece.

Little Girl: How much does a whole one cost?

注:apiece - "每个"音同a piece - "一片".

译:

小女孩: 我想买一条小狗,先生.请问它们卖多少钱?

店主: 十美元一只(音同:十美元一片)

小女孩: 一整只卖多少钱?

First Kid: Why don't you take the bus home?

Second Kid: No, thanks, my mother would only make me bring it back.

译:

第一个孩子: 你为什么不乘公车回家?(也同:你为什么不把公车带回家?)

第二个孩子: 不了,谢谢,我母亲会让我将它再带回来的.

Little Igor: What does your mother do for a headache?

Little Boris: She sends me out to play.

译:

Little Igor:你母亲头疼时怎么办?

Little Boris:她会让我出去玩.

"Sam's parents are sending him to camp for the summer."

"Does he need a vacation?"

"No, they do."

译:

"山姆的父母要将他送到夏令营去."

"他需要假期吗?"

"不,是他们需要."

Two young children stood in front of a mummy case in the museum. On the bottom of the mummy case they noticed “1286 B.C.”

"What does that number mean?" asked the first one.

The second one thought a moment and said, "That must be the license number of the car that hit him."

译:

两个孩子站在博物馆里一个木乃伊盒子前.盒子的底部标着"公元前1286年."

"那个号是什么意思啊?"第一个孩子问.

第二个孩子想了一会儿道:"肯定是撞他的那辆车的车牌号."

Suzie: What time is it?

Father: Three o'clock.

Suzie: Oh, no, not again!

Father: What's the matter?

Suzie: I've been asking people for the time all day, and everyone I ask tells me something different.

译:

Suzie: 现在几点了?

父亲: 3点了.

Suzie: 哦,不,怎么又这样!

父亲: 怎么了?

Suzie: 我一天都在问人几点了, 每个人都告我一个不同的时间.

Little Al: Ouch! My new shoes hurt me.

Bit Al: No wonder! You have them on the wrong feet.

Little Al: But I don't have any other feet.

译:

Little Al: 哎呀! 我的新鞋弄疼我的脚啦!

Bit Al: 你穿错脚了.

Little Al: 可是我没有别的脚了啊.

"Can you read and write?" the woman asked Tommy.

"I can write," Tommy replied, "but I can't read."

"Well, then ,let me see how you write your name."

Tommy wrote something on a piece of paper and handed it to the woman.

"What is this?" she asked as she tried to make out the scribbling.

"I don't know," Tommy answered. "I told you I couldn't read."

"你会读和写吗?" 一个女人问汤米.

"我会写."汤米说:"但我不会读."

"那,好吧,让我看看你写你的名字."

汤米在一张纸上写了什么然后递给了那个女人.

"你写了什么?" 她一边试图读懂他潦草的字体一边问.

"我不知道."汤米回答道:"我说过我不会读."

Suzie: Mon, can I go out and play?

Mom: With those holes in your socks?

Suzie: No, with the kids next door.

译:

Suzie: 妈妈,我可以出去玩吗?

母亲: 穿着有那么多洞的袜子去吗?(也同:和你那带洞的袜子玩吗?) Suzie: 不,和隔壁的那些孩子玩.

制作英文简历时的各种奖项中英文对照

一、国家及校级奖项、称号国家奖学金——National Scholarship 国家励志奖学金National Encouragement scholarship 校一等奖：The First Prize Scholarship 校二等奖：The Second Prize Scholarship 校三等奖：The Third Prize Scholarship 单项奖学金：Individual Scholarship 三好学生标兵——Pacemaker to Merit Student 三好学生——Merit Student 学习优秀生——Model Student of Academic Records 突出才能奖——Model Student of Outstanding Capacity 先进个人——Advanced Individual/Outstanding Student 优秀工作者——Excellent staff 优秀学生干部——Excellent Student Cadre 优秀共青团员——Excellent League Member 优秀毕业生——Outstanding Graduates 优秀志愿者——Outstanding Volunteer 先进班集体——Advanced Class 优秀团干——Outstanding League Cadres 学生协会优秀干部——Outstanding cadres of Student Association 学生协会工作优秀个人Outstanding Individual of Student Association 精神文明先进个人——Spiritual Advanced Individual 社会工作先进个人——Advanced Individual of Social Work 文体活动先进个人——Advanced Individual of Cultural and sports activiti es 道德风尚奖————Ethic Award 精神文明奖————High Morality Prize 最佳组织奖————Prize for The Best Organization 突出贡献奖————Prize for The Outstanding Contribution 工作创新奖————Prize for The Creative Working 团队建设奖————Prize for The Team Contribution 二、各系比赛与奖项外语系（Foreign Language Department）: 话剧比赛————Drama competition 英语演讲比赛——English Speech Contest 八系辩论赛————Eight Departments Invitational Debate Competition 黑板报设计大赛——Blackboard Poster Design Contest PPT设计大赛——Courseware Design Competition 文明宿舍————Outstanding Dormitory OK杯篮球比赛——OK Cup for Basketball Game 我心飞扬歌唱比赛——“My Heart Flies”Singing Competition 中文系( Department of Chinese Language and Literature)：诗歌朗诵比赛——Poetry Recitation Contest

英文简历(生产经理)

英文简历（生产经理）PRODUCTION MANAGER 编辑：冰断 Sandy Lin 15/F,TOWER2 ,BRIGHT CHINA,BUILDING1,BEIJING. CAREER OBJECTIVE Efficient supervisor seeks a team leader position to help increase productivity and meet or exceed company goals. BACKGROUND SUMMARY Extensive and diversified supervisory experience in computer,office furniture,and boat manufacturing operations.Particularly effective in increasing productivity and capavcity.Demonstrated ability to learn new skills quickly.Able to supervise new departments without prior experience and meet production goals.Successfuily motivate employees.Excellent interpersonal skills.Gained reputation for honesty and placed in a position of trust. SUMMARY OF ACCOMPLISHMENTS Supervised the start-up of second shift shipping department.Trained new employees,reached full capacity while maintaining quality and production goals. Instructed Quality Development courses. Participated in upgrading assembly systems at Lennon and Epstein Systems. Consistently met and/or surpassed production goals.Supervised same day shipping of orders. Participated with Lennon management team in the move of logistics,service operations from St.Paui to Winona facility.Received cash achievement award for this project. Operated computerized warehouse management,inventory control and order processing systems. Researched requirements and supervised the development of a high-tech paint laboratory including procurement and staffing. Planned,arranged and supervised rework groups which traveled to on-site locations to perform engineering repairs and other problem-solving activities. Supervised development of new preassembled components of cabin cruisers at Howell Boat Company. Consistently built and maintained strong relationships with vendors and customers through close and effective communication. Supervised,scheduled and coordinated production of four departments in a metal fabrication operation. Notice:

英语寓言小故事15则(中英文对照)

英语寓言小故事15则(中英文对照) -CAL-FENGHAI.-(YICAI)-Company One1

英语寓言小故事15则（中英文对照）目录 1. Making His Mark “刻舟求剑” (3) 2. To Pull up the Seedlings to Help Them Grow “拔苗助长” (3) 3. Plugging One’s Ears While Stealing a Bell “掩耳盗铃” (4) 4. The Fox and the Crow “狐狸和乌鸦” (4) 5. Draw a Snake and Add Feet to It “画蛇添足” (4) 6. 郭氏之墟 (5) 7. 老鼠和公牛 (6) 8. 男孩和荨麻 (7) 9. 鹦鹉和猫 (7) 10. 一捆树枝 (8) 11. 狼和驴 (9) 12. 野猪和狐狸 (11) 13. 燕雀处室 (12) 14. 山 (12) 15. A Smart Tortoise聪明的乌龟 (13)

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