黄西美国记者年会演讲稿
开讲啦黄西演讲稿：不完美,怎么了？
开讲啦黄西演讲稿：不完美，怎么了？开讲啦黄西演讲稿：不完美，怎么了？大家好：我是黄西，黄瓜的黄，西瓜的西，我今天讲演的主题叫做“不完美,怎么了”。
首先声明这个主题不是和我相貌有关的，尽管我长相非常适合这个主题。
我去美国的时候是学的生物化学，我当时做实验比较努力，而且读了很多文献，但是在有一次开小组讨论会的时候，我有个自己的想法，但我怕我表达的能力不太好，所以就没讲出来，我就把我的想法给坐我这边一个美国同学讲了一下，结果这个美国同学把手举起来，把我的想法讲出来了，他还被教授表扬了一顿。
所以就不要太在乎自己英语的口音这方面的问题，只要有好的想法，一定要表达出来，不完美怎么了是一个态度，不应该是个目标。
如果不完美是个目标的话，我早就功成名就了。
但我们应该怎样面对不完美呢，我觉得从心态上来讲，幽默是面对人生不完美的最好的办法。
不管你现在的状况多么困难，你总是有个选择，你是哭还是笑，你笑，这个世界就会和你一起笑。
如果我们能用一种积极主动的态度来面对不完美的时候，我们有可能有一些意想不到的收获。
我在搞科研的时候，有一次我做了一个星期的实验，那时候每天都要往二百到四百只非常小的青蛙卵里边注射DNA，然后每天晚上在床上躺着，一闭眼睛，看见的全都是青蛙卵，后来为了出于自娱自乐，我就在那校报上写了一篇文章，有很多人看了文章以后跟我讲，“祝贺你，你还挺有幽默感的。
”这是我第一次发现美国人也能理解我的幽默感，然后过了两年以后我也开始自己去单口秀俱乐部表演。
开始的时候有很多俱乐部老板对新手也特别粗暴，我记得我有一次给一个老板打电话，我说能不能给我演出机会，他马上跟我讲，“你过一个小时再打来”，他就把电话撂下了，然后我等过了一个小时以后又打，他接了电话就冲我喊，“你是个什么东西，你是块手表吗？！”在美国很多单口秀俱乐部老板要求如果你是个新手的话，你必须自带两名观众才能上台表演。
我当时在波士顿是举目无亲，为了争取演出的机会，有时候我在外边冒着大雪就问过往的行人，我说你想不想看单口秀，如果他们说想看的话，我就说你能不能进去告诉那个老板，说你是来看我的。
黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿.docx
黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿Goodevening, everyone. My nameis Joe Wong. But to most people, I amknownand the answer as "Who?" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, tomy credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。
但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁” ?Who（同音“ Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。
（这里是隐指Salah 夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）I grew up in China. Who wouldn't?我在中国长大。
谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.WhenI was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to work at a ricepaddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that iswhere I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as aflying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。
黄西在2010全美电台电视记者协会年会晚宴上的演说全文
We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. (laughter) because I used to write for campus newspaper. (laughter) I think journalism is the last refugee for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born in the year of horse and that is why I'm a naysayer" (laughter) my point exactly.
黄西在美国白宫记者年会上的脱口秀整理稿
各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.
And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.
“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）
What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?"
我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）
I live inMassachusettsnow, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages! I think there was a movie about him. It's called "Kill Bill"
黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释（五篇范例）
黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释（五篇范例）第一篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。
I grew up in China.Who didn’t?我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。
Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。
黄西励志演讲稿：不完美,怎么了(开讲啦第18期)
黄西励志演讲稿：不完美，怎么了（开讲啦第18期）大家好：我是黄西，黄瓜的黄，西瓜的西，我今天讲演的主题叫做“不完美,怎么了”。
首先声明这个主题不是和我相貌有关的，尽管我长相非常适合这个主题。
我去美国的时候是学的生物化学，我当时做实验比较努力，而且读了很多文献，但是在有一次开小组讨论会的时候，我有个自己的想法，但我怕我表达的能力不太好，所以就没讲出来，我就把我的想法给坐我这边一个美国同学讲了一下，结果这个美国同学把手举起来，把我的想法讲出来了，他还被教授表扬了一顿。
所以就不要太在乎自己英语的口音这方面的问题，只要有好的想法，一定要表达出来，不完美怎么了是一个态度，不应该是个目标。
如果不完美是个目标的话，我早就功成名就了。
但我们应该怎样面对不完美呢，我觉得从心态上来讲，幽默是面对人生不完美的最好的办法。
不管你现在的状况多么困难，你总是有个选择，你是哭还是笑，你笑，这个世界就会和你一起笑。
如果我们能用一种积极主动的态度来面对不完美的时候，我们有可能有一些意想不到的收获。
我在搞科研的时候，有一次我做了一个星期的实验，那时候每天都要往二百到四百只非常小的青蛙卵里边注射dna，然后每天晚上在床上躺着，一闭眼睛，看见的全都是青蛙卵，后来为了出于自娱自乐，我就在那校报上写了一篇文章，有很多人看了文章以后跟我讲，“祝贺你，你还挺有幽默感的。
”这是我第一次发现美国人也能理解我的幽默感，然后过了两年以后我也开始自己去单口秀俱乐部表演。
开始的时候有很多俱乐部老板对新手也特别粗暴，我记得我有一次给一个老板打电话，我说能不能给我演出机会，他马上跟我讲，“你过一个小时再打来”，他就把电话撂下了，然后我等过了一个小时以后又打，他接了电话就冲我喊，“你是个什么东西，你是块手表吗?!”在美国很多单口秀俱乐部老板要求如果你是个新手的话，你必须自带两名观众才能上台表演。
我当时在波士顿是举目无亲，为了争取演出的机会，有时候我在外边冒着大雪就问过往的行人，我说你想不想看单口秀，如果他们说想看的话，我就说你能不能进去告诉那个老板，说你是来看我的。
黄西美国记者会上的脱口秀演讲稿
黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好,我是Joe Wong黄西.但是对很多人来说,听到我的名字,会问“谁”Who同音“Hu”恰恰是我妈的娘家姓,也是我信用卡安全问题的答案.But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑,我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的.这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻I grew up in China. Who wouldn't我在中国长大.谁不是呢这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to work at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了.读小学的时候,作为课程的一部分,我要去稻田里劳动,稻田的旁边是一个采石场,他们用炸药炸石头.也就是在那里,我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快,而声音的速度就和石头飞的速度差不多慢.My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, "Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy"So, five minutes later, I said, "Why"He said, "Because I said so"我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人,但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿.可是他又做不好.我七岁的时候,有一天他问我,“嘿,儿子,你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好”风马牛不相及我想了五分钟,然后问他“为什么呢”,他说“因为我说好就是好”笑点在于：豆腐,计划经济以及极端的父权.豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性,就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻,让人又好气又好笑I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.我24岁的时候来到美国,在Texas的Rice University求学.这不是个笑话,不过现在是了.And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home" And I didn't notice it for two years.我当时开了辆二手车,保险杠上贴了好多贴纸就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种,贴的很牢,就根本不可能撕下来.其中一张写着“如果你不说英文,就滚回家去”.,这句话有歧视外来移民的意味而我两年后才看到它.And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country. And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, "Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home"和很多其他的移民一样,我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统.于是我们努力让他们说两种语言,在家说中文,在外说英文.但操作起来其实挺困难,很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿,听着,如果你不说英文,就滚回家去.”这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气And he was said to me, "Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages"I said, "Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese"然后他问我：“爸爸,为什么我要学两个语言呢”我就跟他说：“儿子,一旦有一天你成了美国总统,你就必须要用英文来签署法案,还要用中文跟讨债的对话.”中国当前是美国的最大债主.When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States,because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.从Rice毕业后,我决定留在美国.因为回中国的话,我有一件事情完全没有办法做的比这里更好,那就是我散发出的异域风情.And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons,where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin FranklinWe were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed"我为了成为一名美国公民,必须要上美国历史课,会被问到诸如“谁是本杰明富兰克林”我就想：“呃,莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因”百元美钞上印着本杰明富兰克林的头像.What's the second Amendment We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed"“什么是第二修正案”我就想：“呃,莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因”第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利What is Roe vs Wade We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States"“Roe vs. Wade是什么”“呃两种来美国的途径”Roe 是美最高法院堕胎的经典案例.他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人,要不就是通过row a boat划船,和人名Roe同音,要不就是靠游到河对岸wade是跋涉的意思Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.后来我读了很多的美国历史,以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感.white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感.And in America, they say that all menare created equal, but after birth,it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.在美国,大家都说人人生而平等.但是出生后,或多或少要取决于父母收入,才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障.I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.我在男人健康杂志里看到,奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼,四次举重锻炼.你们看,我根本不需要锻炼,因为我有健康保险.这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown.Talk about mixed messages I think there was a movie about him. It's called "Kill Bill"我现在住在麻省,我们有全面的医疗保险.然后我们选了Scott Brown当州长.哦,有歧义.我想有一部电影是他的,那就是杀死比尔Kill Bill.bill在英文里有议案的意思,这里讽刺这名州长极力反对Obama的医保改革方案.I'm honored to eh.. meet vice president Joe Biden here tonight. em, I actually read autobiography of you,and today I see you. I think the book is much better.They should have cast Brad Pitt, you know, or even Angelina Jolie.我很荣幸今晚能见到副总统Joe Biden.事实上,我曾经读过你的自传.今天见到你了,我觉得书比本人要好的多然后镜头就给了副总统,副总统笑的哈开心,他们应该请布拉德·皮特来演,或者是安吉丽娜·茱莉.So, I, to be honest, was really honored to be here tonight, and I have prepared for months eh, for tonight show, and I showed the White House my jokes about President Obama, and that is why he decided not to come. And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert坦率的说,我真的非常荣幸今天能应邀来到这里.为了今晚的节目我也准备了好几个月了.我还把奥巴马总统的笑话给白宫看,于是奥巴马总统就决定不出席今天的晚会了.他还决定要讨论移民政策改革了.Stephen Colbert,给他记上.Steve是专攻政治人物的政治评论家、主持人,总统总是拿他没办法And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize. and he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well, actually, I'm thinking, the only way you can more badass than that, is if you take the Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱.但是他正指挥着两场战争,并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖.而他也竟然接受了.怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情.嗯,其实,我想,唯一可能比这个更操蛋的,就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金,然后把它们送给军队.We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. Because I used to write for the campus newspaper. I think journalism is the last refuge for puns. Only on a newspaper can you see just like, "I was born in the year of the horse, and that's why I'm a neigh-sayernay-sayer." My point exactly.我们这里坐着很多杰出的新闻记者,我把你们看作是我的同行也有贵族的意思.因为我曾经也给学校的报纸写过文章.我觉得新闻业是双关语最后的阵地了.因为只有在报纸上你才能看到类似于“我是属马的,所以你知道为什么我总是像马一样叫唱反调.”美国人形容马叫的象声词是neigh,发音和nay一样,nay-sayer是总要唱反调的人我表达的很准确.And tonight is my first time on C-SPAN, which is a channel I obvious always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagoguery of PBS and QVC. If I can't still fall asleep after watching C-SPAN, there are C-SPAN2 and C-SPAN3. Thank you very much今晚是我第一次出现在C-span频道,通常当我无法忍受PBS和QVC的鼓吹与煽动时我就会看这个频道PBS的节目以主观着称,QVC则是购物频道.如果我看了C-span还是睡不着,那还有C-span 2套和3套C-span频道是国会辩论转播频道.非常感谢So, I became a US citizen in 2008, eh, which I am really happy about. oh, Thank you very much eh. America is number one That's true cause we won the World Series every year2008年,我正式成为了美国公民,为此我感到很高兴.谢谢.美国是最牛的.这是真的,因为我们每年会赢世界职业棒球大赛只有美国、加拿大的球队参加.After becoming a US citizen, and I immediately registered to vote for Obama and Biden. You are welcome. You had me at "Guess we can". That was their slogan.成为美国公民之后,我立刻就登记了大选,并投给了奥巴马和拜登.他回头看着拜登,对拜登说不用谢.你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我.这是他们的口号.此处故意将“Yes We Can”混淆成了“Guess We Can”.So, after getting Obama-Biden elected, I felt this power trip.and I started to think maybe I should run for president myself.所以,当奥巴马成为总统的时候,我感觉到了一股力量,我自己在想,我是不是也应该去竞选总统Well, I have to take a step back and explain a little bit. Because I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy.I feel that life is a kind of like pee into the snow in a dark winter night. You probably made a difference, but it's really hard to tell.好吧,我多解释一下.我其实一直是一个忧郁并且悲观的人.我觉得生活就像是在漆黑的冬夜里往雪地上撒尿.你可能确实做得不一样,但你真的很难说出来.But now we have a president who is half black half white.That just gives me a lot of hope, because I am half not black half not white. Two negatives make a positive.但是现在我们有了一位半黑半白的总统.这给了我很大的希望.因为我一半不黑一半也不白.双重否定更加肯定.,Obama母亲是白人,父亲是黑人移民You may be saying, hi, what would be your campaign slogan You see, I spent 10 years in the past decade.Oh, you too ok.So, I understand that American people are suffering.So, my campaign slogan will be, "Who cares" Hu Cares你或许会问：“嘿,那你的竞选口号是什么”你看,过去的90年代里我度过了10年.什么,你也是好吧.所以我很理解美国人所经历的痛苦.所以,我的竞选口号将会是“Hu Cares”此处又是Who-Hu的谐音,Hu Cares：“胡关心你”Who Cares：“谁在乎你”.If elected, I will make same sex marriage not only legal, but required如果我当选,我不但会让同性恋结婚合法,还会让它必须.That will give me the youth vote. You see I'm married now, but I used to be really scared about marriage. I was like, "Wow 50% of all marriages end up lasting forever"这会帮助我赢得年轻人的选票.你看我已经结婚了.但我过去对婚姻是非常恐惧的.我想：“哇,50％的婚姻结局是大家要在一起一辈子.”And I will eliminate unemployment in this country by reducing the productivity of the American workforce. So, two people will have to do the work of one, just like the president and the vice president, or the Olson twins.我也会通过降低美国工人的生产率来消灭这个国家的失业.所以必须让两个人做一个人能做的事,就好像总统与副总统,又或者是Olsen姐妹她们是双胞胎,一起演真人秀,一起设计服装.And despite heart diseases and cancer, most Americans die of natural causes. So if elected, I will find a cure for natural causes. You seem to like that one. But you won't be covered by health insurance, you know. because of pre-existing conditions.除去心脏病和癌症的因素,大多数美国人是自然死亡的.所以如果我当选,我会找出一种治愈自然死亡的疗法.你们看上去很喜欢这个.但是你们将不可能享受医疗保险,因为先前条款.And I have a quick solution for global warming. I will switch from Fahrenheit to Celsius. It was 100 degrees, now it's 40 You are very welcome我还有解决全球变暖的特效措施.如果我当选了,我就把华氏改成摄氏.这样以前的100度就会瞬间变成40度.And I'm great with foreign policy because I am from China and I can see Russia from my backyard.我也很擅长外交政策,因为我来自中国.我从我家后院就看得到俄罗斯这里也隐指Sarah Palin曾经说的“我从我家门廊就看得到俄罗斯”.I believe that, you know, unilateralism is too expensive, and open dialog is too slow. So if elected, I will go with text messaging. I'll text our allies just to say "hi", and text our enemies when they are driving. "OMG you are building a nuclear weapon but you're doing it wrong, LOL"我认为,单边主义代价太高,公开对话又效率太低.如果我当选,我会选择“发短信”.我会发给我的盟友,仅仅打着招呼.我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信.“天呐听说你在造核武器但是你们的做法是不对的哈哈哈哈.OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL 是Laugh Out Loud.I just want to thank Radio-TV Correspondents for have me here tonight, And this is the first time I wish my son knew what I was doing. Thank you so much and have a very good night. Thank guy。
从博士到脱口秀明星——黄西的美国梦
从博士到脱口秀明星——黄西的美国梦When a young man from a small village in China studies hard and bec omes a doctor of biochemistry in the US it’s the American dream.一位来自中国小山村的年轻人通过刻苦学习，后留美成为生物化学博士。
这成就了一个美国梦。
But for a Chinese migrant with a heavy accent to become a stand-up comedian in the US it’s more like a fantasy.但要是一位有着浓重地方口音的华裔移民在美国摇身一变成了单口相声演员，这听上去更像是一场白日梦。
Joe Wong, apparently, has done both. After achieving success as a stand-up comedian in the US for the past two years, the 41-year-old has returned to China to publicize his book The Tao of Humor: An Autobiography by Joe Wong.显然，黄西两者都做到了。
在前两年以单口相声演员的身份在美国大获成功之后，41岁的黄西回到中国宣传个人自传——《黄瓜的黄，西瓜的西》。
“The key, or the symbol to success is doing the thing you like, or finding an interest in your work,”Wong said.黄西说，“成功的关键或标志是做你喜欢做的事，或是从工作中找到兴趣所在。
”Wong didn’t realize his love for stand-up comedy until 2002, when his friends took him to a comedy club in Boston.黄西之前一直没有意识到自己对单口相声秀的这份热爱，直到2002年的某天，朋友们将他带到一家位于波士顿的喜剧俱乐部。
- 1、下载文档前请自行甄别文档内容的完整性，平台不提供额外的编辑、内容补充、找答案等附加服务。
- 2、"仅部分预览"的文档,不可在线预览部分如存在完整性等问题,可反馈申请退款(可完整预览的文档不适用该条件!)。
- 3、如文档侵犯您的权益，请联系客服反馈,我们会尽快为您处理(人工客服工作时间：9:00-18:30)。
Good evening, everyone. My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as "Who?" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。
但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?Who （同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。
（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）I grew up in China. Who wouldn't?我在中国长大。
谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to worked at a rice paddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that is where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。
读小学的时候，作为课程的一部分，我要去稻田里劳动，稻田的旁边是一个采石场，他们用炸药炸石头。
也就是在那里，我知道了光的传播速度要比声音快，而声音的速度就和石头飞的速度差不多慢。
My dad was a grumpy guy, but occasionally he would tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn't do it right. When I was seven, one day he said to me, "Hi, son, why is tofu better than centralized socialist economy?" So, five minutes later, I said, "Why?" He said, "Because I said so!"我爸爸是个脾气很怪的人，但偶尔他也想用笑话来逗我玩儿。
可是他又做不好。
我七岁的时候，有一天他问我，“嘿，儿子，你说为什么豆腐比社会主义计划经济要好？”（风马牛不相及）我想了五分钟，然后问他“为什么呢？”，他说“因为我说好就是好！”（笑点在于：豆腐，计划经济以及极端的父权。
豆腐和经济放在一起本来就没有可比性，就好像这种“我说了算”的父权也根本不可理喻，让人又好气又好笑）I came to the United States when I was 24, to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.我24岁的时候来到美国，在Texas的Rice University求学。
这不是个笑话，不过现在是了。
And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。
其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。
（，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。
And like many other immigrants, we wanted our son to become the president of this country. And we try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English in the public. Which is really a tough to do, because many times I had to say to him in public, "Hi, listen, if you don't speak English, go home!"和很多其他的移民一样，我们都希望自己的儿子能成为这个国家的总统。
于是我们努力让他们说两种语言，在家说中文，在外说英文。
但操作起来其实挺困难，很多时候我不得不在公共场合对他说：“嘿，听着，如果你不说英文，就滚回家去。
”（这里说明了该句子是一种教训儿子的口气）And he was said to me, "Hi, Dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?" I said, "Son, once you become the president of the Unite States, you will have to sign legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!"然后他问我：“爸爸，为什么我要学两个语言呢？”我就跟他说：“儿子，一旦有一天你成了美国总统，你就必须要用英文来签署法案，还要用中文跟讨债的对话。
”（中国当前是美国的最大债主。
）When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the Unite States, because in China I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic.从Rice毕业后，我决定留在美国。
因为回中国的话，我有一件事情完全没有办法做的比这里更好，那就是我散发出的异域风情。
And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take those American history lessons, where they ask questions like: Who's Benjamin Franklin? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?"我为了成为一名美国公民，必须要上美国历史课，会被问到诸如“谁是本杰明富兰克林？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（百元美钞上印着本杰明富兰克林的头像。
）What's the second Amendment? We were like, "Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?"“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?"“Roe vs. Wade是什么？”“呃！两种来美国的途径？”（Roe vs.Wade是美最高法院关于堕胎的经典案例。
他在这里则是说那些偷渡到美国的人，要不就是通过row a boat（划船，和人名Roe同音）,要不就是靠游到河对岸（wade是跋涉的意思））Later on, I read so much about American history that I started to harbor white guilt.后来我读了很多的美国历史，以至于我都开始充满了白人罪恶感。
（white guilt是指白人因为奴役黑人的历史而产生的负罪感。
）And in America, they say that all men are created equal, but after birth, it kind of depends on their parents' income for early education and healthcare.在美国，大家都说人人生而平等。
但是出生后，或多或少要取决于父母收入，才能提供你的早期教育和医疗保障。
I read in the Men's Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. You see, I don't have to exercise because I have health insurance.我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。
你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。
（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）I live in Massachusetts now, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages! I think there was a movie about him. It's called "Kill Bill"我现在住在麻省，我们有全面的医疗保险。