爆笑之逗B剧场第34季

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食人鱼3D Piranha 3D中英文字幕【首发】

100:00:01,086 --> 00:00:08,998帝门影业公司200:00:11,886 --> 00:00:15,088 帝门影业公司出品（3D）300:00:18,006 --> 00:00:19,886 制片人：马克·坎顿/IPW400:00:52,006 --> 00:00:55,886 导演:亚历山大·阿嘉500:01:28,194 --> 00:01:31,836 我总能听见，我唱着歌I can always hear and sing thatsong600:01:32,398 --> 00:01:38,400 杀了我，在回家的路上kill me and i'm on my way home700:01:52,934 --> 00:01:54,415抓到你了.Catch you.800:01:56,858 --> 00:01:57,858来啊! 来啊!Come on! Come on!900:01:59,100 --> 00:02:00,420看那Look at that1000:02:00,820 --> 00:02:01,820畜生Son of a bitch1100:03:54,116 --> 00:03:56,537救命!Help!1200:03:59,823 --> 00:04:01,975救命!Help!1300:04:18,066 --> 00:04:24,435食人鱼3D1400:04:51,688 --> 00:04:53,588伊丽莎白·苏1500:04:54,688 --> 00:04:55,888亚当·斯科特1600:04:57,688 --> 00:04:58,888杰瑞·奥康奈尔1700:04:59,153 --> 00:05:01,551 好耶！又是个阳光灿烂的好日子1800:05:00,156 --> 00:05:01,889文·瑞姆斯1900:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,741随着雨季的结束...2000:05:02,760 --> 00:05:03,999杰西卡·斯佐尔2100:05:03,741 --> 00:05:07,182游客们蜂涌来到春天的维多利亚湖2200:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,082史蒂夫·R·麦奎因2300:05:07,286 --> 00:05:10,812明天这座二十五平方哩的美丽湖泊...2400:05:07,886 --> 00:05:09,112戴安·梅尔2500:05:10,827 --> 00:05:14,481到处都会是啤酒、游艇和年轻辣妹们2600:05:15,211 --> 00:05:16,410今天稍早在湖区...2700:05:16,410 --> 00:05:17,922有些不寻常的震动2800:05:18,026 --> 00:05:21,258很显然的应该是小规模的地震活动2900:05:20,258 --> 00:05:22,886利卡多·查维拉凯莉·布鲁克3000:05:21,258 --> 00:05:23,552目前已经有专家前往3100:05:23,552 --> 00:05:25,012...了解是什么问题造成的3200:06:14,332 --> 00:06:19,336欢迎光临维多利亚湖春节假期3300:06:33,911 --> 00:06:37,595很明显,这是个失误. 能不能通融一下?Obvious,it was a mistake. Can't we just work something outhere?3400:06:37,874 --> 00:06:40,236我看到是你刚毁了私人财产. Mistake or no mistake, you just destroyed private property.3500:06:40,477 --> 00:06:42,998而且我闻得出来, 建议你还是收下罚单吧.And from the smell of your breath,I suggest you take the ticket.3600:06:43,240 --> 00:06:44,681你该坐你朋友的车回家了. Maybe get a ride home with yourfriends.3700:06:44,922 --> 00:06:46,883我不知道, 我想你愿意送我回家.I don't know, I thought you'ddrive me home.3800:06:47,364 --> 00:06:49,565触摸警官的制服可以被认定为袭警Touching an officers uniform isconsidered an assault?3900:06:50,408 --> 00:06:52,089你明白吗?Were you aware of that?4000:06:52,371 --> 00:06:53,812 你穿着棕色的制服很性感. Come on.You look pretty hot intan.4100:06:56,541 --> 00:06:58,626 不是棕色, 是淡棕色的It's not tan, it's beige!4200:07:00,499 --> 00:07:01,900嘿, 放松!Hey, take it easy!4300:07:02,141 --> 00:07:05,625再往前一步我会给你点颜色看看,明白?Another step and you'll pissing lightning bolts into next week, ok?4400:07:23,885 --> 00:07:26,006这和你在大学过的日子差不多吧Pretty much your average day incollege4500:07:27,009 --> 00:07:28,209 嘿，凯莉, 我还在想你是否会来. Hey Kelly, I wasn't sure you'd becoming back.4600:07:29,132 --> 00:07:30,332来度这个春假for spring break4700:07:30,573 --> 00:07:31,934是啊，我来了Yeah, I'm here4800:07:34,057 --> 00:07:36,578我猜你来这儿是来买艘船的I can only assume you're down here to get on one of those boats4900:07:36,861 --> 00:07:40,464 不, 我来这儿是接上音乐课的弟弟的.No, I came down here to pick up my little sister for music lessons.5000:07:40,745 --> 00:07:41,785你呢?How about yourself?5100:07:42,667 --> 00:07:44,001我在等人来接我.I'm just waiting for my ride.5200:07:44,001 --> 00:07:46,311托德和他的朋友, 我们要去参加音乐派对.Todd and his friends, we're gonna go check out some music.5300:07:47,152 --> 00:07:48,272托德.杜普里?Todd Dupree?5400:07:48,953 --> 00:07:50,594想提醒我你以前跟谁一起出去玩的吗?Remind me who you're going outwith again?5500:07:51,236 --> 00:07:53,438我只想说你得有些品味You gotta have standards ok, thatsall I'm saying5600:07:54,960 --> 00:07:56,641托德是个很出色的DJ.Todd's a really good DJ.5700:08:00,727 --> 00:08:03,128凯莉! 出发吧. 上车，我们要迟到了. Kelly! Let's go. Jump in we're late.5800:08:05,291 --> 00:08:07,692他说他有后台通行证. Listen,he says he's got backstage passes for Planners.5900:08:08,015 --> 00:08:08,935你也该来you should come6000:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,577我也想, 但我还得在家照顾盛青和劳拉.I would, but I'm pretty much under house arrest with ShingTsing and Laura.6100:08:12,780 --> 00:08:13,900太糟了Too bad6200:08:15,382 --> 00:08:16,543我们会想你的.We'll miss you.6300:08:17,466 --> 00:08:19,266 我得走了. - 快啊, 我们出发! Anyways,I gotta go. - Come on,let's go!6400:08:19,908 --> 00:08:22,470 希望能再次见到你,在...I hope to see you again beforeyou...6500:08:24,513 --> 00:08:25,833 ... 在你离开之前.真酷,杰克.... before you leave.Prettysmooth,Jake.6600:08:28,317 --> 00:08:30,919 嘿,蠢货! 衬衫不错!Hey asswipe! Cool shirt!6700:08:41,413 --> 00:08:43,533 喇叭很棒. - 谢谢Nice horn. Thanks6800:08:44,255 --> 00:08:45,496乳房很棒Nice boobs6900:08:46,858 --> 00:08:47,778谢谢Thanks7000:08:48,319 --> 00:08:51,990我有个少女胸罩但是我不喜欢戴,很痒.I have a training bra but I don'tlike to wear it, it itches.7100:08:51,990 --> 00:08:52,663你说的对.Tell me about it.7200:08:55,388 --> 00:08:56,588你在等谁?Who are you waiting for?7300:08:56,869 --> 00:08:58,589我哥哥杰克. 他17岁.My brother Jake. He's 17.7400:08:58,791 --> 00:09:01,153他也会喜欢你乳房的. - 他们都会喜欢的.And he'll like your boobs too. -They all do.7500:09:01,635 --> 00:09:02,755快,我们走.Come on, let's go.7600:09:03,076 --> 00:09:04,117你怎么了?What happened to you?7700:09:04,317 --> 00:09:06,318我不想谈这个, 走吧.I don't want to talk about it, ok.Let's go.7800:09:06,520 --> 00:09:07,600嗨，杰克.Hi Jake.7900:09:08,683 --> 00:09:09,923 别盯着她的乳房看.Try to not stare at her boobs.8000:09:10,284 --> 00:09:11,325闭嘴.Shut up.8100:09:12,687 --> 00:09:13,927 我喜欢你的衬衫.I like your shirt.8200:09:14,168 --> 00:09:15,809为什么? 你也想朝我扔东西么? Why? Y ou wanna throw somethingat me too?8300:09:16,411 --> 00:09:18,573 不, 事实上我喜欢"小精灵乐队".No, actually I like The Pixies.8400:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,614丹妮, 丹妮, 丹妮,克里斯特尔在哪儿?Danni, Danni, Danni, where thehell is Crystal?8500:09:20,855 --> 00:09:22,016她和安德鲁在那儿.She's over there with Andrew.8600:09:22,057 --> 00:09:24,498他去买些防晒霜.She went to get some sunscreen.8700:09:24,981 --> 00:09:25,541防晒霜?Sunscreen?8800:09:25,582 --> 00:09:27,502安德鲁, 克里斯特尔, 我们不要防晒霜.Andrew, Crystal, we don't needsunscreen.8900:09:27,823 --> 00:09:29,223我们要身体彩绘, 避孕套. 我们要抽鞭We need body paint, condoms.We need Ready Whip9000:09:29,466 --> 00:09:34,161告诉她明天过来，我要扫荡码头的金发妞Tell her to come tomorrow I want bleach blonde booty at the marina.9100:09:34,166 --> 00:09:36,191我要在正午前射成功.I gotta get my first shot off bynoon.9200:09:36,473 --> 00:09:38,114保证那些标语要漂亮啊! Make sure those titties are nice andperky!9300:09:40,518 --> 00:09:41,358他是谁?Who's this?9400:09:41,638 --> 00:09:44,179 这是杰克。

我是传奇IAmLegend中英表格对白字幕台词剧本

1
Now, how many people have you treated so far? Well, we've had 1 0,009 clinical trials in humans so far. -And how many are cancer-free? -Ten thousand and nine. So you have actually cured cancer? Yes, yes. Yes, we have.
I Am Legend Spring training camp and he's definitely got the inside track. Word is that they're having some problems with injuries. Really? Are they looking into... ...free-agent signings last second, anything like that? Possibly, and they've got a strong farm club too. They've got some triple-A ballplayers they might bring up. Peter would certainly be able to tell us more about that. Who do you like? So far, I like what I'm seeing in New York. They've got a strong ball club, as usual. That's in the American. And in the National, I'm still liking Chicago... ...with a little bit of a twist here for Los Angeles. Okay, so we're looking at New York-Chicago World Series... ...possible Los Angeles. Could be a dark horse. Hold him to it at the end of the season. That's gonna do it for us from the Sports Desk. -Back to the studio. Thanks, Dave. Thanks for nothing, Eddie. Thank you, guys. That's not all we're following. Here's Karen at the Health Desk. The world of medicine has seen its share of miracle cures... ...from the polio vaccine to heart transplants... ...but all past achievements may pale in comparison to the work of Dr. Alice Krippin. Thank you for joining us this morning. -Not at all. -So, Dr. Krippin, give it to me in a nutshell.

爆笑之逗B剧场第159季

爆笑之逗B剧场第159季
1、今天跟朋友吃饭，对方太不讲究了，我都去两次洗手间了，他也没趁机把单买了。

2、生命要浪费在美好的事物上，所以，我的体重一定要浪费在美味的食物上。

3、去楼下小卖部买东西，结账时问老板有没有支付宝，老板说没有，有加多宝。

4、男友刚认识我时，情商低，经常气得我心口疼。

后来我一点点教他怎样了解女人的小心思，怎样逗女人开心。

功夫不负有心人，现在这货泡妞可内行了，我也成了他前女友。

5、今年冬天第一次穿秋裤，我费了九牛二虎之力才把裤腿掖进袜子里，真麻烦，下次再也不穿船袜了。

6、整天打Call打Call的，不就是几毛钱电话费的事儿，而我，一直是愿意为自己的偶像打胎！
7、今天有人问我，如果给你一百万，但是你胸要变成A，你换不换？我一听，当然换啊！不仅有钱拿，胸还能变大，我擦！世界上怎么会有这种好事！
爆笑之逗B剧场第159季。

【笑话大全】爆笑之逗B剧场第10季

【笑话大全】爆笑之逗B剧场第10季
1. 老公偷偷买了一部豪华轿车，开回家炫耀给妻子看。

妻子一眼看去，却发现车牌
上写的是“二手车”，于是问：“你这是买的二手车？”老公急忙解释道：“不是不是，
这车是新的，就是车牌是二手的。

”
2. 小明和小红在路上遇到了一个老人，老人突然问他们：“你们谁能告诉我，为什
么太阳每天都会出现？”小明连忙回答：“因为太阳每天都有工作啊！”老人听了一愣，
于是问小红：“你呢？为什么太阳每天都会出现呢？”小红说：“因为太阳每天都要照顾
我们啊！”老人又愣了一下，于是对小红说：“小伙子，你也太瞧得起自己了吧！”
3. 一天晚上，小明梦到自己成了一只蚯蚓，然后就滑落到了水沟里。

他惊醒后大声
叫道：“我不想死啊！”妈妈听到后连忙问：“怎么了，怎么了？”小明顿了一下，接着说：“我梦到自己成了蚯蚓，掉到了水沟里，太恐怖了！”妈妈轻轻拍了拍他的头：“乖
孩子，别怕，那只是个梦而已。

”小明听后又想了想，接着说：“对了，妈妈，你记得给
我喝养分液。

”
4. 一对年轻夫妇去逛街，突然发现自己的孩子不见了，四处寻找却怎么也找不到。

突然他们看到一座公园里有一堆垃圾，其中似乎有一个小孩子的手，他们赶紧冲上去把垃
圾扒开，结果里面发现了一个小狗狗。

这时，那对夫妇才想起：他们从来没有孩子！
5. 小明去参加一个生日派对，恰巧路过一家卖布艺制品的店，于是决定去买一份礼物。

最终，他花了300元买了一只布艺玩具，送给了那个生日寿星。

等到派对结束后，小
明向那个寿星问道：“你喜欢我送你的礼物吗？”那个寿星非常诚实地回答道：“我喜欢，只是我把它送给了我女儿。

”。

生活大爆炸The Big Bang Theory 第三季中英剧本第23集

'cause you know I'll do it!搞定激光接上电源了Ok,we've got the power to the laser.我应该带把伞来的I should've brought an umbrella.作甚啊又不会下雨What for? It's not gonna rain.我知道I know that.但我如此白嫩的肌肤还是有可能被月光灼伤的But with skin as fair as mine,moon burn is real possibility. 这是个"逗你玩儿" 对吧That's a "Bazinga," Right?我的巅峰之作你觉得呢One of my best,don't you think?霍华德你要不要再检查一下Howard,do you want to double-check激光上的赤道仪装置the equatorial mount on the laser?我们得把它锁定到"宁静之海"上[月面某部名称]We need it locked onto the Sea of Tranquility.没问题You got it.天拉杰别这样Oh,Raj,no.人们花了无数美元发明了英特网Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet 并在上面发了无数艳照and filling it with pictures of naked women,就是为了让我们不需要通过窗户来偷窥啊so we don't have to peep through windows.我才没有呢It's not like that.我只不过在看别人的电视而已I'm watching someone's TV.正在播《傲骨贤妻》呢The Good Wife is on.告诉你这就是我的新《实习医生格蕾》I tell you,this is my new Grey's Anatomy.莱纳德莱纳德Leonard,Leonard.那是啥那是啥What is that? What is that?别紧张不就是只脏袜子嘛Relax,it's just a dirty sock.你怎么可以如此淡定的把How on earth can you say"脏袜子"和"别紧张"放在同一句话里"Dirty sock" And "Relax" In the same sentence?谢尔顿这个世界上到处都有被遗弃的脏袜子Sheldon,the world is filled with dirty discarded socks.我的世界可没有Not my world.嘿你们知道谁会非常想看这个实验吗佩妮Hey,you know who'd really dig seeing this experiment? Penny. 我怎么不知道她喜欢月面搜索呢I wasn't aware that lunar ranging was her thing.尽管我可以确定尼尔·阿姆斯特朗留在月球上的Although,I suppose the retro-reflector left on the moon回复反射器的确符合了亮晶晶的标准by Neil Armstrong does qualify as a shiny object.那你怎么不叫她上来Why don't you ask her to come up?不知道自从那之后就有点怪怪的I don't know,it's still a little weird since,you know...-她甩了你吗-她没有甩了我- She dumped you? - She didn't dump me.我们只不过在这段关系中处在不同方位罢了We were just in different places in the relationship.我不明白为什么一段情缘I fail to see how a relationship还能有地理位置的特性can have the qualities of a geographic location.唔这很简单Oh,it's very simple.莱纳德住在一个叫做"请别离开"的小镇里Leonard was living in a little town called "Please don't leave me" 而佩妮则刚搬到了一个叫"拜拜"的小岛上while Penny had just moved to the island of "Buh-bye."去你丫的Screw you guys.我去看看她在不在家I'm gonna go see if she's home.如果方便的话If it's not too much trouble,我想把望远镜瞄准月球了I'd like to point this at the moon now.且慢Wait a second.好老婆正哭呢The good wife is crying.出大问题了Something's very wrong.嘿怎么了Oh,hi. What's going on?我们在屋顶上尝试从月球将激光射回来呢We're up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon. 抱歉什么I'm sorry,what?很酷的哦It's pretty cool.我们准备了直径两米的反射器和其他仪器We've got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything. 我觉得你可能会想来看看I thought you might want to see it.这完全说不通啊That makes no sense.你怎么可能从月球上弹射东西How can you bounce stuff off the moon?那儿可没有重力There's no gravity.呃莱纳德Uh,Leonard,-这是扎克扎克这是莱纳德-嘿- This is Zack. Zack,Leonard. - Hey.抱歉我不知道你们正忙呢或许下次吧Oh,sorry,I didn't know you were busy. Maybe another time. 嗯或许吧Yeah,maybe.嗨我想看看这个激光Hey,I want to see this laser thing.但那个派对怎么办Oh,but what about the party?只不过是个惊喜派对而已什么时候到完全没所谓It's a surprise party-- doesn't matter when we get there.那倒是Right.那好吧上来吧Okay,well,yeah,come on up.你们是如何认识的呢So,how'd you guys meet?我的公司为芝士工厂设计菜单My company designs the menus for the Cheesecake Factory. 你的公司Your company?事实上是我爸的但我和我妹妹是副总Well,my dad. But me and my sister are VPs.呃菜单啊So... menus.听起来貌似简单但在设计当中I know it sounds easy,but there's a lot of science是包含了不少科学知识的that goes into designing them.开心了吧Happy now?我把脏袜子丢开了I'm moving the dirty sock.谢谢Thank you.拉杰时刻注意另外一只Raj,keep an eye out for the other one.各位这是我朋友扎克Hey,guys,this is my friend Zack.-你好扎克-哇哦- Hello. Zack. - Whoa!这就是那激光吗Is that the laser?太他妈帅了It's bitchin'.没错Yes.1917年当爱因斯坦在他的文章In 1917,when Albert Einstein established《关于辐射的量子理论中》阐述了the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper激光的理论基础时他最诚挚的希望"Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," His fondest hope 就是最终的仪器要很他妈的帅was that the resultant device be bitchin'.唔那任务达成了Well,mission accomplished.让我来解释一下我们在做什么Let me explain what we're doing here.1969年阿波罗11号上的宇航员Um,in 1969,the astronauts on Apollo 11在月面安置了数个反射器positioned reflectors on the surface of the moon, 而我们则要发射激光and we're going to shoot a laser off到其中的一个上面并反射回来one of them and let the light bounce back到这个光电倍增器上into this photomultiplier.哇那很酷啊Oh! That's very cool.只有一个问题One question.你怎么确定它不会爆炸How can you be sure it won't blow up?激光吗The laser?月球The moon.看这才是配得上佩妮的男人See,now this is a man for Penny.问得好扎克That's a great question,Zack.才不是呢No,it's not.谢尔顿Sheldon!要友好Play nice.问得不好It's not a great question.怎么能有人觉得How could somebody possibly think我们会炸掉月球we're going to blow up the moon?这才叫问得好That's a great question.不用担心月球Don't worry about the moon.我们把激光调弱了We-We set our laser to stun.聪明Smart.发射时我们能看到光束Now,we'll be able to see the beam when it leaves, 但返回时的光束减弱but it won't be strong enough when it comes back裸眼看不到to be seen by the naked eye.裸Naked.是很搞笑Right. Uh... funny.那个装置能测量返回的光子Uh,that device,there,will measure the photons that return 我们能在电脑上看到and let us see it on this computer.拉杰给他们眼镜Raj,get them some glasses.酷还有三维效果Cool,it's gonna be in 3-D?准备向月球发射激光Preparing to fire laser at the moon.开始吧Make it so.有了看到峰值了There it is. There's the spike!返回时间2.5秒2.5 seconds for the light to return.是月球我们击中月球了That's the moon! We hit the moon!这就是你们的大实验That's your big experiment?搞这么多就为了屏幕上的一条线All that for a line on the screen?话虽如此Yeah,but,uh,想想这代表着什么think about what this represents.我们的实验是唯一The fact that we can do this is the only way能证明月球上有人造物体的实验of definitively proving that there are man-made objects 这个物体是60年前刚发明飞机的on the moon,put there by a member of a species种族中一员放上去的that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane. 那是什么种族啊What species is that?我错了I was wrong.佩妮能找更好的Penny can do better.-好了谢谢各位很有意思-谢谢- Okay,guys,thank you,it's been fun. - Yeah,thanks.-能请他们参加派对吗-不行只管走- Should we invite them to the party? - No,just keep walking. 他肯定交媾技能很强He must be very skilled at coitus.告诉你唯一能让你I'm telling you,dude,the only way接受佩妮结交新欢的办法to feel better about Penny going out with other guys就是再奸再厉is for you to get back on the whores.接Horse.什么What?那个词是"再接再厉"The phrase is "Get back on the horse,"不是"奸"not "Whores."老兄你真恶心That's disgusting,dude.不是No,it's not...算了Never mind.不过他说得对He is right,though.你愿意的话我可以给你介绍If you want,I can turn you on to this great new-我找到的新交友网-不了谢谢- dating site I found. - No,thanks.你确定上面说能给任何人牵红线You sure? They say they can find a match for anybody. 他们给你牵了吗Have they found a match for you?多着呢上个月就有八个呢Tons. I've had,like,eight dates in the last month.如果算上见我就闪的有12个呢And 12 if you count the ones who showed up and left. 我无法搬氮气罐下来I can't bring the nitrogen tank down.-为什么-我重申一遍- Why not? - All right,let me restate that. 它很重我不想搬It's very heavy,and I don't want to.我去搬吧I'll help you.谢谢Thank you.用膝盖别用背Lift with your knees,not your back.晚安Good night.知道什么才好玩吗You know what would be fun?帮谢尔顿申请网上交友Signing Sheldon up for online dating.算了吧Yeah,right.不想一想No,think about it.我们当实验做We make it an experiment.就像寂寞的科学怪人Like when Frankenstein's monster找了个老婆was lonely and he found a wife.他没有找老婆He didn't find a wife.而是用死尸器官造了个老婆They built him a wife out of dead body parts.那可以作为后备计划Okay,we'll call that plan B.来了Coming!你个该死的混蛋Damn you,you rat bastard.你醉啦Are you drunk?扎克是个绝好男友你把他毁了Zack was a perfectly nice guy,and then you ruined him! 我怎么把他毁了How did I ruin him?因为以前'Cause in the olden days,我绝不会觉得他傻I never would've known he was so stupid.拜托他没那么傻Come on,he wasn't that stupid.不他是傻Yes,he was!他觉得你们会炸掉月球He thought you were gonna blow up the moon! 对他确实很傻Okay,yeah,he's stupid.他一整晚都在吹嘘He spent the entire night bragging自己怎么造出"阑胃菜"这个词about how he invented the word "Appe-teasers." 这不是我的错吧How is that my fault?你毁了我容忍傻逼的能力You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots. 现在跟我走Now,come with me.去哪Wh-Where are we going?我们去做爱We're gonna have sex.为啥不过我没意见Why? I mean,okay.怎么回事What's going on?把你的降噪耳机戴上Put on your noise-canceling headphones,这边会很吵的'cause it's gonna get loud.怎么又来了Oh! Not this again.这怎么可能是少果肉呢In what universe is this low-pulp?早啊佩妮Good morning,Penny.你后脑勺长眼睛了吗What,do you have eyes in the back of your head?隔天就在学校挨揍的某人When one gets beaten up every other day in school, 必然会进化出更敏锐的听觉one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing.而且在学校挨揍的某人Incidentally,one can get beaten up in school通常都把自己称为"某人"simply by referring to oneself as "One."我准备做英式松饼I'm making English muffins.你想吃吗Would you like an English muffin?-不了我不饿-另外- Oh,thanks,I'm not hungry. - FYI,昨晚证明我的降噪耳机无效my noise-canceling headphones proved ineffective last night.不好意思Yeah,sorry about that.作为本土德州人我得说"驾"这个词As a native Texan,I must say I've never heard the phrase "Yee-haw" 在交媾中很少用到used in quite that context.天呐Oh,God.天呐"Oh,God."这个我倒是听过很多次That I've heard on multiple occasions.这算哪门子"微"烤In what universe is that lightly toasted?今天真是我一生之中最扯淡的一天This has to be the worst day of my life.早啊莱纳德Good morning,Leonard.我告诉过你多少次了不要那么做How many times have I asked you not to do that? 算上这次吗317次Counting this instance? 317.佩妮呢Where's Penny?她回她家去了She returned to her apartment.我猜应该是去洗澡加呕吐了I presume to shower and vomit.顺序不一定是按这个Not necessarily in that order.她为啥都没道别一下呢I wonder why she didn't say good-bye.你是在叫我解释一下人类行为吗Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behavior? 难为你了我只是觉得I know. I just thought as an outsider,当局者迷旁观者清嘛you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.我相信你个小东西绝对不是黄油I have no difficulty believing you're not butter.-嘿-嗨- Oh,hey. - Oh,hi.我得赶紧走了早班Um,I gotta run. Early shift.好啊我和你一起下楼Okay,I'll walk down with you.昨晚挺有意思的对吧So,last night was fun,huh?那必须的Yeah,it must have been.我刚吐在我壁橱里了I just threw up in my closet.杯具啊Bummer.我在想啊咱俩今晚Anyway,I was thinking tonight maybe去看场电影如何we could catch a movie.今晚我不太方便Oh,yeah,tonight's not great for me.不一定是今天晚上Doesn't have to be tonight.我差不多啥时候都有空I'm free pretty much always.莱纳德昨晚那件事是个错误Leonard,last night was a mistake.你说"错误" 是塞翁失马那种吗When you say "Mistake," Do you mean a fortunate mistake, 就比如发现青霉素like the discovery of penicillin?我很抱歉Look,I'm sorry.我喝高了很寂寞我讨厌扎克I was drunk,I was lonely,I hated Zack.咱俩就当没发生过好吗Can we just forget it ever happened?不行整件事几乎已经刻在我脑子里了No,it's pretty well imprinted on my brain.特别是骑术表演那部分Especially the whole rodeo thing.老天Oh,God!就这样啊So,that's it?提上裤子就不认人啦Wham,bam,thank you,Leonard?我都道歉了你就别纠结这事儿了行吗Look,I said I'm sorry. Can't you please let it go? 你说的倒轻松啊How am I supposed to let it go?你居然把我当泄欲对象You used me for sex!早安冈德森太太Morning,Mrs. Gunderson.早啊莱纳德Good morning,Leonard.或者我该说"咦哈"Or should I say "Yee-haw"?-我靠-怎么了- Holy crap. - What?我们终于证实了人类之中藏有外星人We finally have proof that aliens walk among us. 你说啥Excuse me?这个约会网站找到了个适合谢尔顿的女人The dating site matched a woman with Sheldon. 不可能吧You're kidding.一个实实在在的女人An actual woman?你看胸部该有的都有Yeah,look. Breasts and everything.相信我有胸的不一定就是女人Trust me,breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman. -啥时候有这么一说-我回头给你看张- Since when? - I'll show you a picture我路易叔叔穿泳装的照片of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.莱纳德快来看啊Leonard,you gotta see this.我们居然找到适合谢尔顿的姑娘了We found a match for Sheldon.很好Great.说不定她会跟他上床然后第二天一早Maybe she can have sex with him,and then walk out on him 连个招呼都不打就闪人the next morning without so much as a "How do you do?" 你知道他说啥呢吗Do you know what he's talking about?不知道你问问呗Nope. Why don't you ask him?莱纳德你说啥呢Leonard,what are you talking about?我不想谈这个I don't want to talk about it.瞧你出的这馊主意That was a lousy suggestion.随便啦现在Whatever. Right now,谢尔顿·库珀博士要给他的真命天女Dr. Sheldon Cooper has to send an e-mail发封邮件to his perfect match."您好同类生物""Greetings,fellow life-form..."她能做到那我也能她能做到那我也能If she can do it,I can do it. If she can do it,I can do it. 她能做到那我也能If she can do it,I can do it.我无能了I can't do it.-谁啊-你好- Hello? - Oh,hi. Hey.你好啊莱斯利Hi,Leslie.莱纳德·霍夫斯塔德有何贵干Leonard Hofstadter. What're you doing here?是啊咱俩好久没见了Uh,I know! It's been a while!对啊18个月Yeah,18 months.是啊是啊Right. Right.你怎么样啊So how you doing?挺好的你呢Fine. You?不错Uh,not bad.你还记得之前咱俩上床You remember when we used to have sex你说这事儿没什么实际意义只是为了娱乐and you said that it didn't mean anything,it was just for fun? 是啊Yeah.你想再来一次吗You,uh,want to do that again?怎么了金发美女把你甩了What happened? Blondie dumped you?不是她甩我She didn't dump me.我俩处在一段关系里的不同位置We were just in different places in the relationship.是嘛Right.随便了显然呢Um... anyway,apparently,找个好久不见的人然后俩人it's okay to go back to people you're no longer seeing 娱乐性地打一炮也没啥不好的吧and have recreational sex with them.你觉得如何So,what do you say?我考虑下哈Let me think about it.她不会再开门了She's not coming back.她想见我们She wants to meet us.不是我们是他Not us. Him.是啊可是他根本不认识她Yes,but him doesn't even know about her.哎呀他会认识她的Well,him about to find out about her.真的吗我们要告诉他吗Really? Us gonna tell him?谁要告诉谁什么Who's going to tell whom about what?谢尔顿Sheldon.嗨Hey. Hi.你们这么惊讶让我很困惑Your surprise confuses me.我住在这儿I live here.是啊Right.那个啥明天下午你什么安排So,listen,what are you doing tomorrow afternoon? 说的具体点Be more specific.四点半4:30.那不是下午That's not afternoon.那是傍晚That's preevning.什么What?是我发明的描述时间方式It's a time of day I invented.更好地定义了个模棱两可的时段It better defines the ambiguous period下午和晚上之间就是傍晚between afternoon and evening: preevning.我确信因为急需精确描述这词定会广为流传I'm fairly certain it will catch on as it fills a desperate need. 好吧Right,okay.那你明天傍晚准备做什么What are you doing tomorrow preevning?明天是周六Well,tomorrow's Saturday.周六晚是洗衣夜Saturday night is laundry night.所以傍晚我会用来预分选衣物So I'll be spending the preevning pre-sorting并预浸湿and pre-soaking.如果我告诉你明天4点半Okay,what if I were to tell you,tomorrow,at 4:30,你将遇到you could meet a woman科学挑选出来的你的完美伴侣呢who has been scientifically chosen to be your perfect mate?我会嘲讽地哼一声无奈地摊开双手I would snort in derision and throw my arms in the air,疲于应付你们这种经常的无聊之举exhausted by your constant tomfoolery.但这是真的But it's true.我们把你所有重要信息上传到了交友网站But we-we put all your vital information into this dating site,学着你的方式回答了他们所有问题answered all their questions just like you would,他们找到了个跟你匹配的她叫艾米·菲拉·福勒and they found a match for you. Her name is Amy Farrah Fowler. 拜托Please.即使你们学得像我的回答Even assuming you could answer any question the way I would,这种红娘网站的算法本身就是胡扯的the algorithms used by matchmaking sites are complete hokum.他们问到这个问题的时候我们就是这么回答的And that's exactly the answer we gave to the question:你对在线交友持何态度"What is your attitude towards online dating?"霍华德想回答"毫无意义" 但我认为不是Howard wanted to write "Mumbo jumbo," But I said no.咱谢尔顿会回答"胡扯"Our Sheldon would say "Hokum."拜托你的科学好奇心呢Come on,where's your scientific curiosity?大部分都用来探索宇宙的秘密了Well,most of it is being applied to unraveling the secrets of the universe 剩下的则用来思考我为何要跟你们聊这个了while the rest of it's wondering why I'm having this conversation with you. 好吧这么说吧Okay,how about this.即使史波克每七年也会约会一次的Even Spock had a date once every seven years.他那不是约会He didn't date.那是发情期到了It was Pon Farr.他因压抑的性欲而热血沸腾His blood boiled with mating lust.那你何不先喝上杯咖啡Well,why-why don't you start with a cup of coffee,晚点就可以跟艾米·菲拉·福勒发发情了and you can Pon Farr Amy Farrah Fowler later.我不喝咖啡的I don't drink coffee.好吧那就喝杯热巧克力All right,you can have a hot chocolate.反正我不会去做这种无聊事选什么饮料无关紧要As I will not be engaging in this nonsense,my choice of beverage is moot. 但我正式说明下But for the record,我只在月份中带有R字母那月才喝热巧克力I only drink hot chocolate in months with an "R" In them.每年九月至次年四月月份英文中都带有R字母为什么Why?不为无益之事何以遣有涯之生What's life without whimsy?好吧我没辙了Okay,I'm out.谢尔顿我把屋顶拿来的一只脏袜子Sheldon,I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof藏在你们公寓里了somewhere in your apartment.除非你愿意跟我们去见那女孩Unless you are willing to come with us to meet this girl, 不然它会永远藏在那it will remain there forever.你只是在吓唬我You're bluffing.你真愿意冒这个险吗Are you willing to risk it?诅咒你Curse you.30英尺30 feet.你好莱纳德Oh. Hey,Leonard.我本是个完美的小个子剩男快乐又书呆I was a perfectly happy,geeky,little lonely guy,是你毁了我and you ruined me!你喝醉了吗Are you drunk?拜托我们上床吧反正也是没有意义的Come on. We're gonna have sex,and it's not gonna mean a thing! 你疯了吗Are you out of your mind?!我真的开始认为这是双重标准了I'm really starting to think there's a double standard here.几分钟后In a few minutes,等我幸灾乐祸地冷眼旁观着本次相亲的失败when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise,你们更愿意我怎么做how would you prefer I do it?是标准答案我早说过会这样The standard "I told you so"?还是经典的"哦也哦也"[表嘲讽]The classic "Neener-neener"?还是用我平常那副高傲嘲弄的表情Or just my normal look of haughty derision?现在还不能断定我们错了You don't know we're wrong yet.还是高傲嘲弄表情吧Haughty derision it is.打扰下Excuse me.我是艾米·菲拉·福勒你是谢尔顿·库珀I'm Amy Farrah Fowler. You're Sheldon Cooper.你好艾米·菲拉·福勒Hello,Amy Farrah Fowler.我很遗憾地告诉你你上当了I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in被设计用来欺骗by unsupportable mathematics很傻很天真剩男剩女的无知算法骗了designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely.此外我是被一只藏起来的脏袜子勒索了才来的Additionally,I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock. 那是俚语的话我从没听说过If that was slang,I'm unfamiliar with it.要是字面意义的话我跟你一样讨厌脏袜子If it was literal,I share your aversion to soiled hosiery.无论如何我来这是因为答应了我妈In any case,I'm here because my mother and I have agreed 每年至少约会一次that I will date at least once a year.有意思Interesting.我跟我妈在关于上教堂这点上有过同样对话My mother and I have the same agreement about church. 我并不反对神的概念I don't object to the concept of a deity,但实在不理解上教堂还得点名but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance. 那你应该不会想去德州东部Well,then you might want to avoid East Texas.记住了Noted.相亲继续进行之前Now,before this goes any further,我先声明所有身体接触you should know that all forms of physical contact包括但并不限于交媾均不予讨论up to and including coitus are off the table. 能请你喝杯饮料吗May I buy you a beverage?温水谢谢Tepid water,please.天哪瞧瞧我们干了什么Good God,what have we done。

《唐璜》完整中英文对照剧本

Yo, not gonna lie.这声音This sound......让我马上就硬了...gets me hard as a fucking rock.但我不想太快完事But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat.我想按自己的节奏来慢慢地温柔地进入状态I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy.所以我先看些图片So I'll start off with some stills.然后一旦进入了状态Then, once I'm getting into it,我会找部片I start looking for a video.找到合适的黄&hearts;片&hearts;前我都不会碰我的老二I never actually touch my cock till I find the right clip.然后一旦找到了...Then, once I do.....开工...goodbye.接下来几分钟一切烦心事都烟消云散For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away,全世界只剩下奶&hearts;子&hearts;...and the only thing in the world is those tits......和屁&hearts;股&hearts;......that ass......吹&hearts;箫&hearts; 骑乘式...the blowjob, the cowboy,后入式颜&hearts;射&hearts; 就是这样the doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it.我什么都不用说I don't gotta say anything,什么都不用做I don't gotta do anything.一心撸死自己I just fucking lose myself.生活中我在意的事不多There's only a few things I really care about in life.身子吸尘器...my pad...车子...my ride...还有家人...my family...阿门Amen.教堂...my church...哥们...my boys...马子...my girls...还有黄&hearts;片&hearts;...and my porn.我知道最后一项听起来有点奇怪I know that last one sounds weird,但我是实话实说but I'm just being honest.没什么能比得上黄&hearts;片&hearts; 真妞都不行Nothing else does it for me the same way. Not even real pussy. 而且我也不缺妞And, yo, I get plenty of that.要不你以为为什么哥们都叫我大唐Why you think my boys call me The Don?-小璜 -唐璜最近怎么样伙计- Jonny-Boy! - Don Jon, what's good, baby?-怎么了我很好 -你很好- What up? I'm all right. - You good?璜璜看着我你真没事吗Jonny, look at me. Everything good with you?-这家伙怎么了 -过来你个禽兽- What's the matter with this guy? - Come here, you animal! -别趴我身上 -说实在的那个紫衣服- Get the fuck off of me! - Real talk, real talk. Purple.-不赖 -那可不止是"不赖"- That's not bad. - It's better than "Not bad."-你没看到她转身 -你说她有7分吗- You ain't see her turn around. - You calling her a seven?-8分绝对有8分 -没有8分- An eight. At least an eight. - That is not an eight.她的脸是不错脸也许可以打8分She's cute in the face, you can maybe call the face an eight,胸只有4分tits are a four.对但是那屁&hearts;股&hearts; 兄弟Yeah, but the butt, man,天臀下凡it's exceptional.我跟你说这才是重点I'm telling you. It changes everything.-我去 -什么- Shit! - What?亮片女别看别看Sequins. Don't look. Don't look.什么那是谁What? Who is that?-你不记得她了 -她走过来了- You don't remember her? - She's coming over here.因为你直直盯着她'Cause you're staring right at her.看看这是谁啊Look who the fuck it is.-最近还好吗 -怎么不给我回电&hearts;话&hearts;- How you doing? - Why didn't you call me back?别这样都是成年人了Come on. You're a grown woman.你觉得我会给你回电&hearts;话&hearts;吗Did you think I was gonna call you back?你就是个可怜虫居然每周都换妹子You're pathetic, you know that? Every week you got a new bitch. 那为什么还跟我回家Then why'd you come home with me?去你&hearts;妈&hearts;的&hearts;Fuck you!-8分 -不她可以打9分- Eight. - No, that might be a nine.-你搞笑吧也就7分 -你疯了吧- You shitting me? That's a seven. - You're out of your mind!我打8分你的记录没受影响淡定I gave you the eight, your record's intact. Chill out.你听到她说什么了吗打了电&hearts;话&hearts;就没救了You heard what she said? Everyone knows about the streak. -你是个变&hearts;态&hearts; 知道吗 -不知道- You're sick. You know that? - I don't know-我有什么毛病 -我的...天- what's wrong with me. - Oh, my... damn!-怎么了怎么了在哪里 -红色- What? What? Where? - Red.-我的神她是满分 -绝对是10分- Holy shit! That's a dime. - That is a dime.她是很辣不过打不了满分Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.我都不跟这样的金发美女上&hearts;床&hearts;的I don't even mess with blondes like that,不过她绝对是10分but that there is a dime!-没错 -我不知道也许她是个- Fuck yeah. - I don't know, there might be-大松货 -我觉得不是- some lasagna up in there. - I don't think so.绝对不是看得出来她紧得很Definitely not. She keep her shit tight, you can tell.-我不知道 -看他喜欢平胸女- No. I don't know. - See, he likes that skinny shit.他就喜欢平胸时尚男人婆类型的He likes that skinny, high-fashion, looks-like-a-boy shit.-操 -承认吧- Fuck you! - Admit it!他说的也对兄弟你确实He's kind of right, man, you do.我不喜欢一手握不下的奶&hearts;子&hearts;I don't like more than a handful of titty.不不不正好一手握住No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful,我爱死了可要是再大一点呢噢不I love it, but more than that, it's like no!我就开始联想到妈妈之类的人了Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.-我的天 -你妈妈确实胸挺大- Jesus Christ. - Your mom do got some big-ass titties.-不准说我妈 -你先提你妈妈的- Don't talk about my mother. - You brought up your mother. 你要是不喜欢你就有问题If you don't like that, there's something wrong with you.我没说我不喜欢我是说打不了10分I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it's not a dime.-才不是 -至少她比你高- That's incorrect. - She's taller than you anyway.-操璜璜 -我要上她真的- Fuck you, Jonny. - I'm playing, come on.你要去泡她吗You gonna get that?我要一杯蔓越伏特加Let me get a vodka-cranberry.-璜璜 -小萨米最近怎么样- Jonny! - Sammy-boy, how you doing?-你还好吗 -我要法国灰雁和汽水- You good? - Let me get a Grey Goose and soda.你凭什么觉得可以这么干的What makes you think you could do that?干什么Do what?-滚出去 -你要去别的地方吗- Get the fuck out of here. - You wanna go somewhere?-操 -你要操&hearts;我&hearts;吗- Fuck you. - You wanna fuck me?-这是你吻我的原因吗 -我没吻你- Is that why you kissed me? - I didn't kiss you.你吻了Yeah, you did.停下我说真的停下Stop it, I mean it. Stop it.来嘛我给你买&hearts;&hearts;杯饮料还早呢Come on. Let me buy you a drink. It's early.-你要去哪 -我告诉过你我去哪了- Where you going? - I told you where I was going.别走等等Come on! Wait a minute!妈的Shit!那个戴头巾的Yo. Headband.不我不知道Nah, I don't know.看我说的就是这个See? This is what I'm saying.真的妞是不错但是呢Real pussy's all good. But I'm sorry.还是黄&hearts;片&hearts;比较棒It's not as good as porn.奶&hearts;子&hearts;Tits?很棒Great.屁&hearts;股&hearts;呢Ass?很棒Great.口&hearts;活&hearts;呢Blowjob?当然一定爽爆了前提是她愿意Sure, it's fucking fantastic in person... if she'll do it.不过现实中一分耕耘一分收获But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head. 低一点太低了Lower. Not that low!我知道有些男人喜欢下面吃I know, some guys love eating pussy,不过说实话but the thing about those guys is,他们都疯了别会错意they're fucking crazy. Don't get me wrong,我喜欢看别人下面吃I like a good pussy-eating clip.但是真的下面一点都不好吃But, from down here, there's nothing good about this.而且就算她终于And if she does finally决定来给你吹一发decide to do you the big favor......也他妈一下就完事了...she's in a fucking hurry.在现实中做&hearts;爱&hearts;Now, when it comes to the actual fucking...首先安全套很糟糕就是糟糕First of all, condoms are terrible. They just are.但你必须得戴因为不像黄&hearts;片&hearts;But you gotta wear one, 'cause, unlike porn,真的妞能折磨死你real pussy can kill you.第二传教士体&hearts;位&hearts;Second of all, missionary is the worst position是最不爽的in all of fucking.胸摊平了看不见屁&hearts;股&hearts;The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass,也摸不到屁&hearts;股&hearts; 因为她躺着呢you can't touch her ass, 'cause she's lying on her back.她们也不让你从后做They won't let you do it from behind,因为她们想看着你'cause they wanna look at you.而且基本上都是我在忙活And basically it's on me to do all the work.颜&hearts;射&hearts; 没可能现实中不可能的Moneyshot? No. There is no real-life moneyshot.妞们都不允许颜&hearts;射&hearts;Real girls won't do that shit.你只能射在套里面You just gotta cum into the fucking condom.所有你说说看哪个更好So, you tell me, which looks better?这个This?还是这个Or this?老天你是傻&hearts;逼&hearts;吗你个傻&hearts;逼&hearts; Jesus! What are you fucking retarded?! You're fucking retarded! 你就是个开傻&hearts;逼&hearts;车的傻&hearts;逼&hearts; You're a retarded person and you're driving a fucking car!以圣父圣子和圣灵之名阿门In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.阿门上帝保佑你我的孩子Amen. Bless you, my son.原谅我神父我犯下了罪孽Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.距离上次告解已经过去了一周It has been one week since my last confession.告诉我你的罪孽Tell me your sins.上周日之后我有过两次Since last Sunday, I had sexual relations未婚性行为我还看了色情片out of wedlock two times. I also watched自&hearts;慰&hearts;了17次pornographic videos and masturbated 17 times.这就是我所有的罪对不起For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.十遍天主经十遍圣母经Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys.谢谢你神父Thank you, Father.通过教会Through the ministry of the Church,愿主宽恕你赐予你宁静may God give you pardon and peace,我以圣父圣子圣灵之名and I absolve you from your sins in赦免你的罪the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.阿门Amen.狗屎狗屎你看到了吗Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that?这他妈就是坨狗屎That was fucking bullshit. Bad call.-操&hearts;他&hearts;妈&hearts;的耶稣基&hearts;督&hearts; -璜- Jesus fucking Christ! - Jon!狗屎你看到了吗Fucking bullshit. Did you see that?没看到怎么了I didn't see. What happened?他们会回放的最好给我回放一次They'll do a replay. They better do a fucking replay.除非他们不想Unless they just don't我们再看一次那球有多蠢want us to see how bad that fucking call was.为什么不买&hearts;&hearts;那种可以暂停的...Why don't you get the thing where you can pause...混&hearts;蛋&hearts; 什么时候回放啊Assholes, where's the replay?!爸爸有种装置可以暂停节目Dad, there's a thing you can pause-并倒回去 -你在说什么- and rewind. - What are you talking about?是数字电视你可以倒回去看It's digital. You just rewind and watch it.-我不想录下来 -我知道你不想录- I'm not taping this. - I know you're not taping it.不是吧真&hearts;他&hearts;妈&hearts;没回放吗Are you people serious, no fucking replay?!-我说的不是录像机 -我他妈哪知道- I'm not talking about a VCR. - How do I know what the fuck -你在说什么 -我也不知道我以为- you're talking about? - I don't know, I guess 'cause美国人十有八&hearts;九&hearts;都听过数字录像most American people have heard of TiVo.大部分人都会关心一下身边的事情Most people that pay attention to the world around them! 就是这个给我闭嘴见鬼Here it is. Shut up already, finally. Shit!-你真没听过吗 -好球- You seriously never heard of that? - Yes!我听过操&hearts;他&hearts;妈&hearts;个耶稣...I've heard of it, Jesus fucking...看他的脚踩线了看看啊There! Look, his foot's on the line! Look at that bullshit!璜别爆粗口了Jon! All right already!那如果你听过数字录像So if you've heard of it,-你说是那是什么 -你看到了吗- what is it? - Did you see that?我在问你问题I'm asking you a question.就是个他妈的...It's a fucking thing...等等你看到了吗Wait a minute. Did you see that?问你呢看到了吗I'm asking you. Did you?没我没看电视Nah, I didn't see it.为什么不看你&hearts;他&hearts;妈&hearts;到底出什么问题了Why not?! What the fuck's the matter with you?我说叫你看电视我对着你说的I said look at this play, I said it right to you!我要你&hearts;他&hearts;妈&hearts;的做件不能再简单的事I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing,你都搞不定and you can't do it!至少我知道数字录像是什么At least I know what a TiVo is.我知道数字录像他妈的是什么I know what a fucking TiVo is!你想买&hearts;&hearts;数字录像吗你是这个意思吗You want a TiVo? Is that what you're saying?-我会爱死数字录像的 -你爱谁- I would love a fucking TiVo. - Who do you love?他爱数字录像He loves TiVo.他肯定不爱橄榄球我们都清楚He sure as shit don't love football. We know that.总有一天我会坐在这里One of these days, I'm gonna sit开始吃饭而你会说down here and start eating, and you're gonna say,-"妈我找到我的她了" -妈- "Mom, I found her." - Ma!总有一天会的One of these days.圣母玛利亚上帝之母Holy Mary... Mother of God...求妳现在和我们临终时...pray for us now...为我们罪人祈求天主...and at the hour of death...阿门Amen.圣母经充满荣光Hail Mary... full of grace...好吧我承认黄&hearts;片&hearts;也有些缺点All right, I'll admit, there are some down sides.比如说你找到一部超棒的片Like there's the times you find a great clip,女&hearts;优&hearts;也火&hearts;辣&hearts;with a hot chick.等到你要&hearts;射&hearts;了&hearts; 镜头却转向男优And right when you're starting to cum, it shows the guy. 操该死Fuck! Goddamn it!这怪不了谁真的It's no one's fault, really,但还是烂透了所以..but it still sucks. So...另外现在选择面Also, nowadays you got so much太广了好长时间才能to choose from, finding just the right clip找到一部对胃口的黄&hearts;片&hearts;can take a lot of time.而我的时间很宝贵And my time is precious to me.我有很多破事要做所以...Yeah, I got shit to do. So...再就是有时候And, every once in a while,你找的片堪称完美那也很让人沮丧you find a clip that's so good, it's fucking depressing.你要开始想And you're thinking to yourself,怎么现实中就没这种妞呢why can't real pussy be like this?一直以来我都在泡妞You know, I smash new girls all the fucking time,而且都是8分和8分以上的always an eight or better,但还是比不上片里的女&hearts;优&hearts;and it's still never this good.到底是怎么回事呢What am I doing wrong?也许该尝试点新花样了所以...Maybe it's time to try something new. So...-你记得上周那个10分妞吗 -我去- Yo, you remember that dime from last week? - Oh, shit. 穿裙子的金发妞吗The blonde in the dress?她正点爆了兄弟你上了她吗She was insane, bro. You hit that?没有你&hearts;他&hearts;妈&hearts;喝醉了No, I didn't, you fucking alcoholic,她走之后我看到你了I saw you after she left.-我&hearts;操&hearts; 璜璜 -我以为你成功了呢- Fuck you, Jonny! - I thought you made that happen.-我去找别的妞了 -是你的作风- I threw it to this other random. - Typical.-说不准有8到9分 -6到7分- Probably an eight or nine. - Six or seven.他妈的闭嘴你带谁回去了Shut the fuck up! Who'd you take home, huh?2到3分的只有那种没追求的Twos and threes, baby. I'm telling you, twos and threes 2到3分的女人are some open-minded ladies.-我想找到那个妞 -你知道她名字吗- I wanna find that girl. - You get her name?-名字 -姓什么叫什么- Her name? - First and last name.我想知道她的名字姓什么叫什么I'm looking for her name, first and last name.抱歉我不知道你猜谁会知道Shit, I don't know. You know who would?-芭芭拉·舒格曼 -舒格曼- Barbara Sugarman. - Sugarman?谢了兄弟Thanks, bro.-叫什么来着 -芭芭拉·舒格曼- OK, what was it again? - Barbara Sugarman.-看到她了吗 -没- You see her anywhere? - No.-我去 -你是她吗- Oh, shit! - That's her?-绝对是她 -找到你了小妞- That's definitely her. - Oh! Got you, bitch!你要说什么你得搭个讪吧What you wanna say? You gotta say something.是吗Really?这种美女的好友请求一打一打的A girl that bad gets mad friend requests.-操 -约她吃晚餐吧或者午餐- Fuck! - I think it's dinner. Maybe even lunch.也许你得带她去喝咖啡Might have to take this girl out for coffee.-我的神 -这可得打持久战- Christ! - Yeah, this is the long game.你短期内都不可能把芭芭拉·舒格曼You're not getting that butt from Barbara Sugarman 搞上&hearts;床&hearts;anytime in the immediate future.如果你这么来那就不是一会儿的事If you had it like that, it would have went down.对你说得对见鬼You're right. You're totally right. Shit!我得问问I know, I was about to say,无敌唐要来持久战了吗the mighty Don bringing out the long game?她是有10分可是...She's a dime, but...这姑娘可不止是10分This girl's more than a dime.算了吧没有这种说法Come on, son. There's no such thing,只有1到10分这样评分才有意义that's the point, it's a scale from one to ten.-我是说这个姑娘... -我的老天- I'm saying, this girl... - Oh, my God!-你已经爱上她了 -去死- You in love with this girl already? - Go fuck yourself.你好Can I help you?-午餐两个人 -好的这边请- Yeah, two for lunch. - Sure. Right this way.-最近怎么样 -挺好的你呢- How are you? - Good. Good. How you been?-你怎么找到我的脸书的 -直接找的- How did you get my Facebook? - Oh. Getting right to it. -嗯 -我搜索了你名字- Yeah. - I just looked up your name.-我没告诉你我的名字 -显然你说过- I didn't tell you my name. - Obviously you did,因为我搜的就是你名字'cause I looked it up.不对我绝对没有No, I definitely did not-告诉过你我的名字 -你告诉了- tell you my name. - Yeah, you did.-如果说了我会有印象的 -无意冒犯- I think I would remember. - No offense,但那晚上你醉的不轻but you were pretty wasted the other night.-我也是 -请问你们喝什么- So was I. - Can I get you some drinks?-健怡可乐谢谢 -可乐- Diet Coke, please. - A Coke.可乐和健怡可乐Coke and a Diet Coke.我马上给你们拿来I'll be right back to take your order.好吧那晚我喝了一点酒Alright, I had a few drinks the other night,所以我忘了说没说名字so I may not have remembered telling you my first name, 但是绝对说过我的姓but I definitely did not tell you my last name.-我跟你说 -不要撒谎- I'm telling you... - Don't lie to me.反正你不认识我Look, you don't know me,所以这次我就放你一马so I'm gonna let you off the hook this time.但是相信我跟我说实话But trust me, in the future you'll你才能更开心be much happier if you always tell me the truth.等等我更开心Wait, wait, wait, I'll be happier?只要我愿意就能让你开心不信吗You don't think I could make you happy if I wanted to?你是怎么知道我的名字的So how did you find out my name?-我到处打听到的 -你到处打听我- I asked around. - You asked around about me?-是的 -真有意思- Yeah. - That's interesting.-为啥 -为啥什么为什么- Why? - Why? What do you mean why?-为啥你到处打听我 -因为我想- Why did you ask around about me? - 'Cause I wanted to. -你想请我吃午饭 -是的- You wanted to take me to lunch? - Yeah.-别说谎 -好吧我到处打听你- Don't lie. - OK, I asked around about you因为我想和你疯狂的做&hearts;爱&hearts;'cause I wanna fuck your brains out.你想听我说这个吗Is that what you want me to say?好吧至少你现在说的是实话Well, at least you're being honest now.问你个问题Let me ask you a question.你为啥来这里为啥答应我Why did you come here, huh? Why did you say yes to me? -这个问题不错 -那么原因呢- That's a very good question. - Yeah, so?你要等待才能知道答案You're gonna have to wait to find out.-好吧我有的是时间 -真的吗你有的是时间- All right. I got time. - Really? You got time?那天你似乎很着急啊It seemed like you were in a big hurry the other day.我喝多了就那样I can be that way when I'm shit-faced.你真可爱我喜欢你You're cute, I like you.-是吗 -是的- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.你想听真话吗Listen, you wanna know the truth?真话就是This is the truth.你是我这辈子见过最美丽的风景You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. 你喜欢电影吗You like movies?我不怎么看电影I don't watch too many movies.在我小时候接触黄&hearts;片&hearts;之前I used to watch 'em a lot when I was a little kid,看过很多电影before I could get my hands on any porn.那时要是我想看美女Back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl,最好的办法就是看电影my best bet was to watch a movie.-你喜欢哪部 -这部太棒了- That's the one you like? - Oh, it's so great.-我喜欢他们两个你呢 -是啊他们很棒- I love these two. And you? - Yeah. They're great.但是现在我觉得没啥意义But now, I don't really see the point.我不知道也许我遗失了什么I don't know, I guess I'm missing something.因为大部分人都好这一口Because most people eat that shit up.最特别的人漂亮女人The pretty woman.帅气男人The pretty man.一见钟情Love at first sight.定情之吻The first kiss.-分手之痛 -我感觉到了- The breakup. - I felt that!-和好的喜悦 -我很害怕- The makeup. - I'm scared.昂贵的婚礼The expensive wedding,他们在夕阳下驾车而行and they drive off into the sunset.所有人都知道这是假的但是他们还是要看Everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it好像是真的一样like it's real fucking life.对他来说她是最重要的She was the most important thing to him.为了她他放弃了一切He gave up everything for her.这就是命运It was just meant to be.-我喜欢这样的电影 -是啊太棒了- I love movies like that. - Yeah, it was great.他真是个男子汉He's just such a real man.她总是那么美丽And she's so beautiful too, always.-她不她太瘦了 -是啊- Her? No, she's too skinny. - Yeah.-什么 -你想知道谁才美丽吗- What? - You wanna know who's beautiful?-你凭什么这么做 -做什么- What makes you think you could do that? - Do what?以圣父圣子圣灵之名阿门In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen. 阿门愿主保佑你我的孩子Amen. Bless you, my son.请宽恕我神父我有罪Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.距我上次告解It has been one week since-已经一周了 -把你的罪行告诉我- my last confession. - Tell me your sins.从上周日起我没有非婚性行为Since last Sunday I did not have sexual relations out of wedlock. 我吻了一个女孩非配偶好几次I did kiss a girl, this one girl, out of wedlock, several times,但是只是亲吻我不知道but it's just kissing. I don't know,我忘了算不算所以I forget if that counts, so...我还看了色情片自&hearts;慰&hearts;22次Also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 22 times. 这就是我所有的罪对不起For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.-十遍天主经十遍圣母经 -谢谢神父- Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. - Thank you, Father.通过教会Through the ministry of the Church,愿主宽恕你赐予你宁静may God give you pardon and peace,我以圣父圣子圣灵之名and I absolve you from your赦免你的sins in the name of the Father, of the Son-罪孽 -阿门- and the Holy Spirit. - Amen.我在发烧I got a fever.浑身燥热An inflammation.我就是这样That's what I got.你把我点燃You turn the heat on me.如此热情Some like it hot.打开引擎Call out the engine.冲向站台Ring up the station.我就立马出现I am on the spot...这就是炭烧Introducing the charbroiled,非油炸的鳕鱼三明治not fried, codfish sandwich,尽在小卡尔和哈迪家only at Carl's Jr. And Hardee's.-不管你喜欢与否 -不只是一片肉- Like it or not - More than just a piece of meat.宝贝Baby.我喜欢激&hearts;情&hearts;I like it hot.走啊天哪这是黄灯去你&hearts;妈&hearts;的&hearts; Oh, go! Jesus. It's a yellow light! Fuck you!我们在天上的父Our Father who art in heaven愿你的名显扬愿你的国来临hallowed be Thy name. Thy Kingdom come.你的旨意奉行Thy will be done在人间如同奉行在天上on earth as it is in heaven.-不 -不什么- No. - No. What?-不要在这里 -那我们进去吧- Not out here. - So let's go inside.-为啥 -还不是时候- Why not? - It's not time for that yet.-你确定 -是的我们还不了解对方- You sure? - Yeah. We barely know each other.了解我们很了解了Yeah, we do, pretty much.-我没见过你的朋友 -我的朋友- I don't know your friends. - My friends?-我想见你的朋友 -他们都是混&hearts;蛋&hearts;- I wanna meet your friends. - Those guys are assholes. -是吗 -是的- Yeah? - Yeah.你没见过我的朋友And you don't know my friends.-还有我们的家人 -等等家人- Or our families. - Wait, our families?是的我想见你父母和妹妹Yeah. I wanna meet your parents and your sister.-天哪 -怎么了你难道不想见见我的兄弟- Oh, Jesus! - What? You don't wanna meet my brothers姐&hearts;妹&hearts;们&hearts;吗and my sister?-因为我知道他们想见你 -是啊我想也是- 'Cause I know they wanna meet you. - Yeah... I bet they do. -璜 -怎么了- Jon. - Yeah?我还不能让你I can't let you-进去 -不能吗- come inside just yet. - No?不能因为我还不知道那是什么意思No, 'cause I don't know what that would mean. You know? 我不想做没有意义的事情I don't want to do anything unless it means something.难道你不觉得有点意义更好吗Don't you think it's always better when it means something? 是啊Yeah.-我觉得你应该回学校读书宝贝 -什么- I think you should go back to school, baby. - What?-是的不就是夜校吗 -我的天哪- Yeah, come on. Just a night class. - Oh, my God!拿个学位Just get your degree.要是你有份像样的工作会更性感的You would be so sexy with a real job.你觉得如何So, what do you say?啥时候我们跟朋友们见个面You, me and our friends, we go out sometime?-好的好 -好跟家人也见个面- Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? And our families meet, huh?为了我去上夜校好吗宝贝And you take one night class for me, baby?不过是个夜校嘛One little class?-好啊 -来吧宝贝来吧- Yeah! Oh! - Come on, baby, come, come.-很好 -天哪- Nice. - Oh, Jesus...你太可爱了You're so cute.给我打电&hearts;话&hearts;Call me.-宝贝 -宝贝怎么了- Baby! - Baby, what?-宝贝 -宝贝- Baby. - Baby.你们玩的开心吗You guys having a good time over there?贱&hearts;人&hearts; 闭嘴You bitch, I don't wanna hear it, alright.天哪Jesus Christ.干杯吧我们干杯A toast. Let's make a toast.大家听好了你们也站起来Everyone listen up. You get up too.这是为你来吧站起来This is for you. Come on. Get up.-天哪 -好了- Oh, God. - All right.你们知道今晚是我和这姑娘You guys know tonight is me and this girl's一个月的纪念日从我第一眼看到她one-month anniversary. I'm counting that from the first time 开始算起因为那时我就觉得I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then, I've felt the same way. 她是我这辈子最美的风景She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.-敬你宝贝 -不敬我们俩- To you, baby. - No, to us.敬我们俩To us.-干杯 -干杯- Mwah. Cheers. - Cheers!上帝保佑God bless.-他是做什么的 -他还在上课- So, what's he do? - He's in school.-他家有钱吗 -不他有工作- Oh, the family's got money? - No, he's got a job.-做生意吗 -不- Retail? - No.-服务业 -是的- Service? - Yeah.他绝对经常He's definitely been-去健身房&hearts; -对吧我就知道- spending time at the gym. - Right? I know.-他一看就是练过的 -你们一起去吗- He is so disciplined. - You guys work out together?-不 -他会像那些肌肉男一样- No. - Does he do that muscle guy thing在你们做的时候看他自己吗where he's, like, looking at himself while you're doing it?-我们还没做呢 -不会吧- Oh. We haven't done it yet. - Shit, really?-天哪太神奇了 -好吧我喜欢他- Oh, my God. That's so amazing! - All right. I like him.该死看那个穿白短裤的Goddamn! White shorts.-不 -什么别这样啊那可是满分- Nah. - What? Come on, that's a dime!-狗屁满分 -很抱歉但是我宁愿上她- That's not a dime. - I'm sorry, but I'd rather do that-也不上你那妞 -你个死基佬- than do yours. - You faggot motherfucker!我想喜欢谁就喜欢谁I can like any girl I wanna.但是她比不上我的妞儿Alright, but she's not hotter than my girl.-你也许不觉得但是我 -看看真抱歉伙计- To you, maybe not, but to me... - Look at that. Sorry, buddy. -操&hearts;你&hearts;妈&hearts;的璜璜 -这就是...- Fuck you, Jonny! - That's the way...该死Shit!那个...So, uh...我最近在跟一个姑娘约会I'm sort of seeing this girl.-你说啥 -我说啥是什么意思- What did you say? - What do you mean, what did I say?-你是说... -她问你你说的啥- Did you say... - She asked you what you said.怎么回事我也不明白你什么意思What's the matter with that? I couldn't understand you, either. 把话说清楚说人话Speak up and talk like a human being.-璜别说话 -你怎么回事- Jon, Shush. - What's your problem?-璜 -咋了- Jon. - What?你是说你找到她了吗Did you say you found her?我是说我在...Well, I said I'm sort of...我的天哪她叫什么名字叫什么Oh, my God! What's her name? What's her name?-芭芭拉 -芭芭拉姓什么- Barbara. - Barbara! Barbara what?-又来了 -她姓什么- Here we go... - Shh! Barbara what?-芭芭拉·舒格曼 -姓舒格曼- Barbara Sugarman. - Sugarman?-她是犹太人吗 -我觉得不是- She a Jew? - I don't think so.-你不知道 -我们没怎么谈过...- You don't know? - We haven't really talked...她不是意大利人这我们能肯定She's not Italian, we know that.-舒格曼她是黑人吗 -不是- Sugarman. She black? - No.她长得怎么样What does she look like?。

[真正男子汉3]真正男子汉演员表

[真正男子汉3]真正男子汉演员表(1) [真正男子汉演员表]关于前任3语录1、怎么证明一个男人爱你，一，为你花钱，二，愿意娶你。

2、为你花钱男人不一定爱你，但不为你花钱男人一定不爱你。

3、成长是一个很痛词，当你成熟了，你不一定会得到什么，却一定会失去一些东西。

4、就算曾经在熟悉，在亲近人，很长时间不联系了，也会变得跟陌生人一样。

5、人生每个不同阶段，会有不同人停留，总有一些人来，有一些人离开，有朋友，不知道怎么就走近了，有恋人，不知道怎么就走散了。

6、女人选男人跟赌博没什么区别，用那短短几年青春，要迅速寻找到和自己相伴一生人。

7、是什么能让一个女人，心甘情愿把自己托付给一个男人呢？是这个男人地位和金钱吗？不，是这个男人对这个女人爱。

8、寂寞，是大都市人通病，很多人在一起不是因为喜欢相处，而是因为害怕孤独。

9、不管是物质还是心理，我们更在意不是绝对值，而是百分比，我，到底占了你百分之几。

10、喝醉是个好事儿，不会让你记住你做过事，但是一定会让你记住你感受到了什么。

11、两个人在一起生活这么久，东西还得了，回忆还不了。

12、其实我挺羡慕余飞和丁点，在我眼里他们分手后争吵，其实是借着吵架壳，撒着思恋娇。

13、一个男人，总会为了一个女人，而去奋斗。

14、好闺蜜一起来例假，好兄弟一起成单身。

15、男人就是悲催，上班当员工，下班当老公。

16、钱没了还能在挣，姑娘再不泡，他们都老了。

17、女人失恋后第一阶段，坍塌，第二阶段，重生。

男人失恋后第一阶段，放生，第二阶段，回味。

18、男人越老越吃香，女人越老越彷徨。

19、我让你飞，伤痛我背。

20、现在不是面包和爱情选择时代了，而是大部分爱情，掌握在少数拥有面包人，手里时代。

21、都是过来人，还装什么呀，这大半夜，泡妹撩汉子时间，谁会给同性发信息呀。

22、“外公一定是外公，爷爷不一定是爷爷。

”“啥意思？”“隔壁老王”23、用了自己整个青春，来看懂一部电影，只有当紫霞永远离开至尊宝时候，至尊宝才能成长为孙悟空。

三人课本剧简短

1.三人搞笑小品剧本简短一天，老师走进课堂，学生们一齐起立喊：“老师早上好！” 老师说道：“坐下！今天我们要复习反义词，我们这样练习，我说一句，你们大声说出反义词。

现在开始。

” 老师：“今天天气很好。

”学生：“今天天气很坏。

” 老师：“到处阳光明媚。

”学生：“到处阴云密布。

” 老师：“年轻。

”学生：“年老。

” 老师：“站立。

”学生：“躺倒” 老师：“有个年轻人站立在路上。

” 学生：“有个年老人躺倒在路上。

”老师：“我捡到一元钱。

” 学生：“我丢了一元钱。

”老师：“我捡到一元钱，交给老师。

” 学生：“我丢了一元钱，去偷老师。

”老师：“错误，不能这样说！” 学生：“正确，应该这样说！” 老师：“这不行，这是违法行为！” 学生：“这可以，这是合法行为！” 老师：“听老师的，老师说的才是正确！” 学生：“听我们的，老师说的都是错误！” 老师：“你们愚蠢。

” 学生：“我们聪明。

”老师：“停止！” 学生：“继续！” 老师：“你们现在停止！别说了！” 学生：“我们现在继续！还要说！” 老师：“你们这些蠢猪，我说停止！” 学生：“我们都是天才，我们说继续！” 老师：“你们听老师的！” 学生：“老师听我们的！” 老师：“学生都得听老师的！” 学生：“老师都得听学生的！” 老师：“现在你们停止练习！” 学生：“现在我们继续练习！” 老师：“你们没完没了了吗？” 学生：“我们有始有终的呀！” 老师：“那你们就停止！蠢猪！” 学生：“那我们该继续！天才！” 。

.之后老师怒气冲冲地抱着书本走出了教室。

2.三人短小简单话剧台词,急需三人小话剧《蔬菜情》人物：杨六男：（绰号蔬菜王）王秘书：（老龄委秘书）四婶子：群众演员.50岁左右道具：杨六男家，桌椅及墙上奖状等杨六男欢天喜地地手执奖状上。

场景一：蔬菜大棚外杨六男：（边唱边跳，手拿蔬菜）蔬菜棚的蔬菜真好呷，欠得你油滴滴…哈哈哈……！四婶子：（从路边经过）哟，蔬菜王又研究啥呢？杨六男：没研究啥，（边往家走边聊天）四婶子：听说前两天你得了一夹人民币？杨六男：哟，消息灵通啊，都是别人看得起我，头两天老龄委开会发奖状，老人头还奖夹一百张…… 四婶子：不错啊，给俺看看？杨六男：（欲掏口袋）财不露白，不给你看！四婶子：六爹，你咯样有狠，何是堂客跑夹咯久不肯回来喽？杨六男：不是她不肯回来，而是我不喀接。

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爆笑之逗B剧场第34季
1、据我多年观察，造成婚外恋的根本原因是结婚。

2、刚在街上被捅了一刀，还好我跑的快，不然刀子就被要回去了。

3、各种花的花语：玫瑰花代表爱情；康乃馨代表亲情；蔷薇花代表思念；百合花代表纯洁；没钱花代表穷！
4、别人都是担心去洗浴中心会不会被老婆发现，怎么我却是到了洗浴中心发现老婆了呢？！
5、昨天老婆欺负我，我对她说你等着，我一定要你好看！今天我就给老婆买了一身漂亮的衣服！穿上肯定很好看！男人嘛就要说到做到！
6、女友这几天心情不好，我小心翼翼地表现，生怕惹恼了她。

吃完晚饭我正在刷碗，她突然说道：我是顺时针刷碗而你却是逆时针，这日子没法过了！
7、大家好，本人有件事需要大家帮忙：我在外地被骗了，急需钱回家，大家能不能凑6000给我，5388买部iPhone7联系家人，余下的买张机票回家。

爆笑之逗B剧场第33季。