英语幽默集锦
英语笑话简短爆笑
英语笑话简短爆笑
1. Why is the doctor so angry? （为什么医生那么生气？）Because he has no patience.（因为他没有耐心呀。
）
笑点：耐心=patience，病人（复数形式）=patients，两个词读音相似，一语双关。
2. What is the longest word in the English language?（英语里最长的单词是？）Smiles. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.（Smiles，因为它的首尾字母之间隔了一英里那么长。
）笑点：翻译时需要保留smiles，因为中文不分单复数，这里规避了字面意义上的最长，而是利用了单词mile 的含义。
3. What do you call a deer with no eyes?（没有眼睛的鹿叫什么？）No idea.（不知道。
）
笑点：deer 和idea 读音相似，这里是谐音梗。
4. Why don't scientists trust atoms?（为什么科学家不相信原子？）Because they make up everything.（因为它们构成了一切。
）笑点：make up 有化妆、编造、组成等意思，这里取了组成的意思。
5. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?（当
雪人跟吸血鬼杂交，会得到什么？）Frostbite.（冻疮。
）笑点：frostbite 有冻伤、冻疮的意思，同时它跟frost（霜）和bite （咬）两个词有关，这里是双关梗。
英语幽默集锦
英语幽默集锦1.Second language 外语A mother mouse was out for a walk with her babies when she saw a cat crouched(爬) behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watchedthe mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified(恐惧的) that it ran for it's life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the importance of a second language?"一只母老鼠带着孩子出来散步，突然她看见一只猫正在灌木丛中虎视耽耽。
母老鼠向着猫叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，猫听了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回过头洋洋自得的对孩子说：“现在你知道外语的重要性了吧。
”2. 4-4=? 四减四等于几？One day, the teacher inquired Peter: "How much is four plus four?" Peter was tongue-tied.The teacher got angry and said: "What a fool! You see, if I put four coins in your pocket, but there is a hole in your pocket and all of them leakout, now what is left in your pocket?""The hole," replied Peter.一天，老师问彼德：“四减四等于几？”彼德张口结舌答不上来。
超级好笑的英语笑话集锦
超级好笑的英语笑话集锦笑话是幽默的语言表达。
它是一种常见的幽默传达方式。
笑话是口头或者书面的幽默语言。
下面是店铺带来的超级好笑的英语笑话，欢迎阅读!超级好笑的英语笑话篇一直言不讳My husband bought me an automatic dishwasher for my birthday. In filling out the guarantee，he came across the question，“What year and model dishwasher did you're place?"He wrote:"Wife—Age 24".我丈夫在我生日那天给我买了台全自动洗碗机。
在填写保修单叶，他看到里面有一项是:“你替换的旧洗碗机是哪年生产的，什么型号?”我丈夫写道:“妻子—24岁”。
超级好笑的英语笑话篇二梦幻世界A hotel manager in a small town reports that a guest woke up everyone in the hotel screaming，"It's in the phone book! It's in the the phone book!"饭店经理报告说一名客人把所有的人都吵醒了，他不停地尖叫:“就在电话薄里，就在电话薄里。
”The manager got the house detective and they let themselves into the man's room，where they found him in the midst of a nightmare. "I was having a horrible dream，”the man explained when awakened. "I dreamed the income-tax people wanted to send me a big refund, but they'd lost my address!"经理找来侦探后，带他进入了那位客人的房间。
简短的搞笑英语句子集锦
【导语】近年⼀些年青⼈爱上了英语搞笑,引起了络上有关英语⼀场新的热议。
下⾯是由⽆忧考带来的简短的搞笑英语句⼦集锦，欢迎阅读!【篇⼀】简短的搞笑英语句⼦集锦 1， Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 不⽤和傻⽠吵架，因为他会把你的智商拉到跟他的⽔平，然后再⽤丰富的经验打败你。
2， Evening news is where they begin with …Good evening‟, and then proceed to tell you why it isn‟t. 晚间新闻总是以“晚上好”开头，再告诉你为什么好不了。
3， Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 海豚可聪明了，你晓得不?只需驯养⼏个星期，他们就能让⼈类乖乖站在池边给它们扔鱼吃了。
4， Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 孩⼦定义：你先花2年教他们⾛路和说话，然后你再花16年叫他们坐定和闭嘴。
5， It‟s not the fall that kills you; it‟s the sudden stop at the end. 跳楼的时候，“啊~~“的时候还没死，”啪!“那才是死了。
英语幽默笑话集锦
英语幽默笑话集锦◆Teacher: “Tommie, what do you know about the Dead Sea?” Tommie: “I didn’t even know it was ill.”◆Teacher: “Here is a world map. Who can show us America?”(Tom goes to the map and finds America on it. )Teacher: “Now, tell me, boys, who found America?” Pupils: “Tom.”◆A boy was wondering about a photograph in a newspaper. It showed a group of happy and cheerful children carrying schoolbags with the caption at the bottom: “On Their Way to School”. “I think it’s mistaken. They must be on their way home after class, I’m sure!” the boy concluded.◆Geography teacher: “What is the consequence of the breaking up of the former Soviet Union?”Student:“It means that we have more names of new countries to remember.”◆Math teacher: “Now remember, class, statistics don’t lie, For example, if twelve men could build a house in one day, one man could build the same house in 12 days. Do you understand what I mean? Jack, give me an e xample.” Jack: “You mean that if one boat could cross the ocean in six days, six boats could cross the same ocean in one day.” Biology teacher: “Johnnie, can you give a familiar example of the human body that adapts itself to changed conditions?” Johnnie:“Yes, ma’am. My aunt gained 50 poundsin a year, and her skin never cracked.”◆Teacher: “Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?” Student: “Well, the days are much longer in the semmer than in winter.”◆Mary has been going to primary school for a week. At the end of the first week her fathe r asked her: “Which period do you like best at school, dear?” May thought for a while and answered: “I like the break period best.”◆During the final examination, some pupils were so eager to answer the questions that they forgot to fill in the blanks for the class, name, date, etc. on the front page of the examination paper. The teacher considered it necessary to remind them of filling all the blanks. She declared: “Now, attention please! Fill in all the blanks before you do the questions.” “Shall I fill the blank for the marks?” one pupil asked.◆A teacher was asking a pupil in her class.” Tommie, how many persons are there in the classroom?” “Forty-one, including you, ma’am, ”Tommie answered.” Then, how many are left when I go out?” the teacher asked again.” None, madam.”◆“What do you think of the relationship between ‘deceit’, ‘failure’ and’ success’?” the 1st pupil asked the 2nd pupil. “I think deceit will lead to failure,” the second answered. “Yes, ”the first pupil went on,” but failure is the mother of success.” “So no deceit, no success, ”concluded the 1st pupil.◆Teacher: “Why are you often late for school?” Student: “Because the sign said: School Zone, Go Slow!”◆Phys. teacher: “Which travels faster, heat or cold?” Student: “Heat. You can catch cold.”◆Math. teacher: “Now we find that X is equal to zero. “Student: “Gee!All that work for nothing!”◆Chem. teacher: “Can you tell me anything about the great chemists of the 19th century?”Student: “They are all dead, sir.”◆Music teacher: “Who is the famous tenor in our city? And who is the famous bass?”Student: “When my father denou- nces me, he is a famous tenor. When he speaks to my mother, he is a bass.”◆“Who was the first President of the United States?” a history teacher asked one of her student. The student thought for a long time, but didn’t say any-thing. Then the teacher got angry and shouted, ”George Washington!” “Come back!” the teacher said, ”I didn’t tell you to go.” “Oh, I’m sorry,” the student said, ”I thought you called the next student.”◆Medical prof: “What would you do in the case of a person eating poisoous mushro oms ?”Student: “Recommend a change of diet.”◆Literature prof. : “Tell me one or two things about John Milton.” Student: “Well he got married and he wrote ‘Paradise Lost’. Then his wife died and he wrote ‘Paradise Regained’.◆English prof. : “What is the difference be- tween an ac- tive verb and a passive verb ?Stud. : “An active verb shows ac- tion and a pa- ssive verb shows passion. “◆Grammar teacher: “A noun is the name of a per- son or a thing. Now, who can give me a noun ?”First pupil: “A cow.” Teacher: “Very good. Another noun?”Second pupil: “Another cow.”◆Prof. : “Before we begin the examination are there any questions?”Stud. : “What’s the name of this course?”◆First student: “Did the music teacher act- ually say your voice was hea- venly?”Second student: “Well, she did say it was u- nearthly.”◆First student: “Which is the longest word in the English Language?”Second student:“I don’t know. Would you like to tell me what it is?”First student: It’s “smiles”. Second student: “That isn’t very long. Only six letters.” First student: “But there is a mile between the first and the last letters.◆Teacher: “Can you tell me what a fish-net is made of?”Pupil: “A lot of little holes tied together.”◆Once two pu-pils were tal-king about thesun and the moon. “Which of themis more useful?”asked one of them. The other an-swered, ”Oh, I know. The moon is. Themoon is in the sky at nightwhen it is dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody wants it.”◆Voice on tele-phone: “John is ill and can’t attend classes today. He re- quested me to notify you.” Prof. : “All right. Who is this speaking?”Voice: “This is my roommate.”◆Prof. : “What are you reading. Tom?”Stud. : “I don’t know.” Prof. : “You don’t k now?You were reading aloud, so you must know.” Stud. : “I was reading aloud, sir, butI was not listening. “◆At a college examination a professor said: “Does the ques-tion embarrass you?” “Not at all, sir, ”replied thestudent, ”not atall. It is the answer that bo-thers me.”◆Friend: “What is your son going to be when he’s passed his final exam ?”Father: “An old man.”◆Reporter: “What is the profe- ssor’s research work?”Prof. ‘s house-keeper: “It consists principally in hunting for his spectacles.”◆“Professor, whydo you use threepairs of eyegla-sses?” “Yes, one pairfor long sight, one pair for short sight, and the third to look for the other two.”◆Teacher: “Billy, what’s a syno- nym?”Student: “It’s word you used in place of another one when you ca n not spell the other one.”◆Father: “Well, son , what’s your place on the school-list this month?”Son: “I’m twenty -sixth.” Father: “How many pupils are there in your class?”Son: “Twenty-six. “(A month later)Father: “Well, son , what’s your place on the list now?”Son: “Twenty- seven. Father: “How can that be?If I remember co- rrectly, there are only twenty-six in your class.” Son: “Oh, no, we have a new boy now.”◆During a Christmas exam, one of the ques-tions was: “What causes a depre-ssion?”One of the students wrote: “God knows!I do not know. Merry Christmas!”The exam paper came back with the prof. ‘s no-tation: “God gets100, you get zero. Happy New Year!“◆The more we study, the more we know. The morewe know, the morewe forget. The more we forget, the less we know. The less we know, the less weforget. The less we forget, the more we know. So why study?◆The professorrapped on his rostrum and shouted: “Gentle-men, order!” The entire class yelled: “Beer!”◆“If the Deandoesn’t take back what he siad to me thismoring, I’m goingto leave college.” “What did he say?” “He told me toleave college.”◆The bright student looked long and thoughtfully at the second ex-amination question, which read: “State the number of tons of coal shipped out of th e United States in any given year.” Then his brow cleared and he wrote: “1492-none.”◆Prof. : “Wake up that student next to you.” Stud. : “You do it yourself, professor, you put him to sleep.”◆Prof. : “You can’t sleep in my class.” Stud. : “If you don’t talk so loud I could.”◆“Our economicsteacher talks tohimself. Does yours?” “Yes, but he doesn’t realize it. He thinks weare listening.”◆“I shall now illustrate what I have in mind, ”said the teacher as he erased the blackboard.◆First stud. : “The dean says he is going to stop smoking in the college.”Second stud. : “Huh!Next thing he’ll be asking us to stop smoking, too.”◆Teacher: “A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer.”Stud. : “No wonder so many of us flunk in our exams!”◆A college freshman was being severely criticized by his professor, “Your last paper was very diffi-cult to read, ”said the profe-ssor, ”Your work should be so written that even the most ignorant will be able to under-stand it.” “Yes, sir, ”saidthe student, “what part didn’t you get?”◆The professor was delivering the final lec-ture of the term. He dwelt with much emphasis onthe fact each sutdent should devote all the intervening time preparing for the final exami-nations.” “The examina-tion papers arenow in the handsof the printer. Are there any questions to be asked?” Silence prevai-led. Suddenly a voice from the rear inquired: “Who is the prin-ter?”◆Prof. : “Never mind the date. The examina- tion is more important.” Stud. : “We ll, sir, I wanted to have something right on my paper.”◆Mary had beento school for the first time. “Well, darling, what did you learn?”asked hermother, when Marycame back home. “Nothing, ”sighed Mary hopelessly, ”I have got to go back again tomo-rrow.”◆One morning Professor Blankwas going to meet his studen-ts in the after-noon, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: “Profe-ssor Blank will meet the class this afternoon.” Some student, seeing his chance to dis-play his sense of humour after reading the notice, walked up and erased the “C”in the word “class”. The pro-fessor noticing the laughter wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the “C”erased-calmly walked up and erased the“l”in “lass”, looked at the flabbergastedstudent and pro-ceeded on hisway.◆Teacher: “Henry, what are the three works which some of you use most often in class ?”Henry: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Correct.”◆Teacher.” Mary, why don’t wash your face? I can see wha t you had for breakfast this morning.” Mary: “What was it?”Teacher: “Eggs.” Mary: “Wrong, tea- cher. That was yesterday.”◆Teacher: “What is an abstract noun, Jane?”Jane: “I don’t know, madam.”Teacher: “What, you don’t know ?Well, it’s the name o f a thing which you canthink of but cannot touch. Now, give me an example. “Jane: “A red-hot poker.”◆First stud. : “How are a teacher and a railroad conductor alike?”Second stud. : “I don’t know. Can you tell me?”First stud. : “One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.”◆“Aren’t you ashamed of your-self, Henry?”saidthe headmatser, ”You are the worst pupil in your class.” Henry replied, “What’s that gotto do with me?Isit my fault thatthe w orst one was transferredto another school yesterday?”◆Little Smith came home fromwith a new bookunder his arm. “It’s a prize, mother,”he ex-plained. “A prize?What for, dear?” “For zoology. Teacher asked mehow many leg s anostrich has and I said three.” “But an ostrichhas only two legs.” “I know it now. Bu t all the pu-pils said four, so I was closest.”◆An absent-min-ded professor was lecturing on anatomy. “To show you more clearly what I mean, I have here a parcel with a dissected frog. I want you to ex-amine it very carefully.” The professorunwrapped the parcel and saw that it contain-ed two sandwich-es and a boiled egg. Astonished, theprofessor said: “I was sure I hadeaten my lunch, but w here is thefrog?”◆First stud. : “What did you do with the cuffs I left on the table last night?”Second stud. : “They were so soiled I sent them to the laundry.” First stud. : “My gods, the ent ire history of England was on them.”◆A son at colle-ge wrote his father: “No mon, no fun, your son. “The father an-swe red: “How sad, too bad, your dad.”◆“Say, dad, reme-ber that storyyou told me about when youwere expelled from colle ge?” “Yes.” “Well, I was just thinking, dad, how true it is that historyrepeats itself.”◆“Where have you been for the last four years?”“At college taking medicine. ““And did you finally get well?”◆The much pre-occupied profe-ssor walk intothe barber’s shop and sat in a chair ne xt to a woman who washaving her hairbobbed. “Haircut, please, ”ordered the professor. “Certainly, ”said the barber. “But if you really want a haircut would you mind taking off your hat first?” The professorhurriedly re-moved his hat. “I’m sorry, ”heapologized as hel ooked around.” Ididn’t know there was a lady present.”◆Teacher: “Didn’t Henry help you to this sum?”Pupil: “No.” Teacher: “Are you sure he didn’t help you?”Pupil: “No, he did not help me, he did it all.”◆Teacher: “What do you call the last teeth we get?”Pupil: “False teeth.”◆Geog. teacher: “What have the expeditions to the North Pole accomplished?”Pupil: “Nothing execpt to make the geography lessons harder.”◆Te acher: “What animal is sa- tisfied with the least nou- rishment?”Robert: “The mo th , teacher. It eats nothing but holes.”◆“What he shapeof the earth?”asked the tea-cher of Jane. “It’s round, ”Jane said. “H ow do you know it is round, Jane?” “Oh, it’s square. I don’t want tostart an argu-ment a bout it.”◆A school tea-cher who had been telling a class of smallpupil the story of the disco veryof America by Columbus endedwith: “And all this happened more than 500 years ag o.” A little boy, his eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought: “Gee!W hat a good memory youhave got.”◆Teacher: “What are the pro- ducs of Cuba?”Boy: “I don’t know.” Teacher: “Come, come!Where do you get sugar from?”Boy: “We borrow it from the next-door neighbour.”◆Teacher: “The earth has an attractive power;that power is known as gravity. It is, i n fact, the law of gravity which prevents us from being thrown off the earth as it revolv es.” Pupil: “Please, teacher, how did we keep on the earth be- fore the law was passed?”◆Te acher: “In the old days men were often put in prison with- out any proper reaso n;but today we never think of puni- shing people for things they have not done.” Bad bo y: (sulki- ly): “Then why was I criti- cized yester- day because I didn’t do my homewor k?”◆Teacher: “Tommy, where was the Declaration of Independence signed?”Tommy: “At the bottom , I guess.”◆First pupil: “What word be- comes shorter if you add two letters to it?”Second pu pil: “Oh , I know. It’s” short”.◆Professor Blank: “Hasn’t Jimmy ever married?”Student: “No, and I don’t think he i ntends to, because he’s studying for a bachelor’s de- gree.”◆“A telegram from George, dear.” “Well, did he pass the exami-nation this time?” “No, but he is almost at the top of the list of those who failed.”◆Miss Betty taught physics in a New York school. One day she said to herclass, ”Now, I have a brother in Los An-geles. If I was calling him on the phone, and at the sa metime you were 75feet away, liste-ning to me, whichof you would hear what I saidearlie r, my bro-ther or you-andfor what reason?”“One of the bright studentsat once answered, ”Your brother, Miss Betty, be-cause electri-city travels faster than sound waves.” But then, a girl said, ”I disagree, Miss Betty. Your brother would hear you earlier because when it’s eleven o’clock here, it’s eight o’clock in LosAngeles.”◆Teacher: “What was George Wa- shington noted for?”Johnny: “His me- mory.”Teac her: “What makes you think his me- mory was so great?”Johnny: “They erected a mo- nu ment to it.”◆Stud. : “I’m in- debted to you for all I know.”Prof. : “Oh, don’t mention such a mere trifle.”◆During a na-tural historylesson at school, Mary was asked to give the nameof an a nimal peculiar to South Afri-ca. “A polar bear!”replied Mary in-stantly. The teacher frown ed repro-vingly.” Come, come!Mary, ”she said, ”Polar bears are not to be found in South Africa.” “I know, ”Maryanswered, ”that’swhy it would bepeculiar.”◆First student: “There is a guy in our school who’s a real know-it-all. So I told hi m no- body l iked that attitude. “Second student: “And what did he say?”First student: “He said he al- ready knew that.”◆At college Percy fell intoa cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping. He did not realize howlong he had neg-lected writing his family untilhe received thefollowing not e: “Dear son, Your mother and I en-joyed your lastletter. Of course, we were much youn ger then, andmore impressio-nable. Love Dad.”◆Mary began to go to school atthe age of six years old. She spent her firstday hap pily. Butat the end of the second day, when the other children left the classroom, she sta yed be-hind and waited. “Why didn’t you go with the others, Mary?”herteacher asked kin dly.”Did you want to ask me aquestion?” “Yes.” “What is it?”the teacher asked. “What did I do in school today?”The teacher laughed. “What did you ask me that, Mary?” “Beause I’m going to go homenow, ”Mary an-swered, ”and my mother is going to ask me.”◆One day one ofthe girls in Rose’s class said to her, ”Miss Rose, why does a man’s hair become grey before his mus-tache and beard do?” Rose laughed and replied, ”I do n’t know. Who can answer the question?” Then one ofthe boys said, ”I know, Miss Rose! Men’s hair be-comes grey first because it’s sixteen years older than their mustaches and b eards.”◆As a freshman, George had to take a course inwestern civili-zation from a certain profe-ssor--his father. “What is it like to have your dad for class?”he was constantly aske d. “Not as stran-ge as you might think, ”he re-plied.” My father has been lec-turing me a ll my life. I just never had to take notes be-fore.”◆Teacher: “What happens when there is an eclipse of the sun?”Pupil: “Many peo- ple go out into the streets to look at it.”。
英语幽默集锦
1. Fine for ParkingTell me again," asked the judge, "why you parked there?" The driver rose and answered respectfully(尊敬地), "Because, Your Honor, it said 'Fine for Parking'" (note: "fine" has two meanings 1) good 2) pay some money for doing something wrong.2. Self-helpI went into a bookstore the other day and asked the woman behind the counter where the self-help section was. She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the whole purpose." (note: "self-help" has two meanings 1) you take without paying 2) you can choose as you like)3. I Couldn't Digest So Many ApplesDoctor gravely(严肃地): "If you want to enjoy a long life, each time you feel like a drink. Eat an apple instead." Patient: "Sorry, I couldn't digest(消化）so many apples."4. Is This a QuestionA college student in a philosophy class was taking his first examination. On the paper there was a single line which simply said: "Is this a question? " A student wrote: "If that is a question, then this is an answer." The students received an "A" on the exam.5. A Dollar Per PointA professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.6. My Father's AshesA guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it. She walks back in. He says: "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Geez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray(烟灰缸)." (note: "ashes" has two meanings 1) a container for holding the burned cigarette. 2) a box for holding the burned dead body.)7. I Drop my Weight From SkippingMr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds." When Mr. Smith returned, he had lo st nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you 'though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping! (note: "skip" has two meanings 1) jump 2) stop doing something)8. Now We RunA priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"9. Pig or WitchA man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.10. Man and WomanSmart(精明的) man + smart woman = romanceSmart man + dumb(愚蠢的) woman = pregnancy(怀孕)Dumb man + smart woman = affairDumb man + dumb woman = marriageSmart boss + smart employee = profitSmart boss + dumb employee = productionDumb boss + smart employee = promotionDumb boss + dumb employee = overtimeA man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.Married men lived longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing to die.A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.11. You and Your BossWhen you take a long time, you're slow.When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.When you don't do it, you're lazy.When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot(蠢货).When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority（超越权限）. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative(创造性).When you take a stand（表态）, you're being bull-headed（固执）.When your boss does it, he's being firm.When you overlooked(忽略) a rule of etiquette(礼貌), you're being rude.When your boss skips(略过) a few rules, he's being original(独创的).When you please your boss, you're arse-creeping(拍马屁).When your boss please his boss, he's being co-operative(合作).When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.When you have one too many drinks at a social, you're a drunken bum(耍酒疯者). When your boss does the same, he appreciated(欣赏) women.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.When your boss applies for leave, it 's because he's overworked.12. Love, Lust and MarriageLOVE - When intercourse(性交) is called "making love."LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."MARRIAGE - What the hell are you talking about?LOVE - When you share everything you own.LUST - When you steal everything they own.MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax(高潮).LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.MARRIAGE - What's a climax?LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.LUST - When all you write is your phone number.MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.LOVE - When you show concern for your partner's feelings.LUST - When you couldn't give a shit.MARRIAGE - When your only concern is what's on TV.LOVE - When your farewell is "I love you, darling..."LUST - When your farewell is "So, same time next week..."MARRIAGE - When your farewell is a relief.LOVE - When nobody else matters.LUST - When nobody else knows.MARRIAGE - When everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.LUST - When you're only interested in doing things to your partner.MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.13. Before and After You fall in loveBEFORE - You take my breath awayAFTER - I feel like I'm suffocating(窒息)BEFORE - Twice a nightAFTER - Twice a monthBEFORE - She says she loves the way I take control of a situationAFTER - She called me a controlling, manipulative(操纵的) egomaniac(极端自我)BEFORE - Don't stopAFTER - Don't startBEFORE - Is that all you're having?AFTER - Maybe you should have just a salad, honeyBEFORE - It's like I'm living in a dreamAFTER - It's like he lives in a dorm(宿舍)BEFORE - We agree on everythingAFTER - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?BEFORE - I love a woman with curves(皱摺)AFTER - I never said you were fatBEFORE - Time stood stillAFTER - This relationship is going nowhereBEFORE - I can hardly believe we found each otherAFTER - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you.14.You and Your Computer( 你和你的电脑）It is time to reassess your relationship with yourcomputer when....（到了重新评价你和你的电脑的关系时候了当......)1. You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.(你早晨四点醒来去厕所，回卧室时去检查邮件。
英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦
英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦对外汉语教学中,为了寓教于乐,有的教师会就某些语言或文化现象引述笑话或故事。
下面小编整理了英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦，希望大家喜欢!英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦摘抄小学生的搞怪逻辑推理A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.小学四年级的教师正在给学生们上一堂逻辑课。
"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"她举了这么一个例子：“有这样一种情况，一个男人在河中心的船上钓鱼，突然失去重心掉进了水里。
于是他开始挣扎并喊救命。
他的妻子听到了他的喊声，知道他并不会游泳，所以她就急忙跑向河岸。
谁能告诉我这是为什么?”A girl raised her hand and asked, "todrawout all of his savings?"一个女生举手答道，“是不是去取他的存款?”英汉对照的英语幽默笑话集锦鉴赏一个小女孩的愿望A Girl's WishOn the way home after watching a balletperformance, the kindergarten teacher askedher students what they thought of it. Thesmallest girl in the class said she wished thedancers were taller so that they would not haveto stand on their toes all the time.小女孩的愿望在观看完芭蕾舞表演回家的路上，幼儿园老师问学生的观后感。
很高分的英语口语集锦
很高分的英语口语集锦I'm dying to see you. 我很想见你。
I swear by the god. 我对天发誓。
Nothing tricky. 别耍花招。
You might at least apologize. 你顶多道个歉就得了。
Price is soaring, if it goes on like this, we shall not be able to keep the pot boiling.物价直线上升，这样子下去，我们锅里可没什么东西煮饭。
None of you keyhole. 不准偷看。
You don't seem to be quite yourself today. 你今天看起来不大对劲。
Do you have any money on you？你身上带钱了吗？What is your major？你学什么专业？My girlfriend and I broke up. 我和我的女朋友吹了。
It was something that happens once in the blue moon. 这是千载难逢的事。
I'll kick you out. 我将炒你鱿鱼。
I have to be late and keep my date waiting. 我不喜欢迟到而让别人久等。
There is nobody by that name working here. 这里没有这个人。
He neither drinks nor smokes. 他既不喝酒也不抽烟。
He pushes his luck. 他太贪心了。
Nuts! 呸；胡说；混蛋！I can't make both ends meet. 我上个月接不到下个月，缺钱。
It is of high quality. 它质量上乘。
Dead end. 死胡同。
Would you mind making less noise. 能不能小声点God works. 上帝的安排。
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英语幽默集锦1、Never Let it Go Out概不外借Mark Twain once went to borrow a certain book from a neighbour in Tarry town. "May I borrow a book from you?" he asked politely. "Yes,you're more than welcome to it," the neighbour told him. "But I must ask you to read it here. You know I make a rule never to let any book go out of my library."Some days later the neighbour wished to borrow Twain's machine for cutting grass in the garden. "Why,certainly," Twain told him,"You're more than welcome to it. But I must ask you to use it here. You know that I make it a rule never to let it go out of my garden."2、我忘了那人是谁A society youth writes ironically to the young lady in the case：“Dear Miss Smith，perhaps you remember I proposed to you last night，and I do not now recall whether you said yes，or no.”“Dear George，I remember I said‘no’ to someone last nigh t，but I had forgotten who it was.”我忘了那人是谁一个社交界的青年给一位年轻女士挖苦地写道：“亲爱的史密斯小姐，您也许记得我昨晚向您求婚，但我现在记不起您到底是答应了还是没答应。
”“亲爱的乔治，我记得昨晚是对一个人说了‘不’，但忘了那人是谁。
”3、汪汪叫的妻子A man who had been married for ten years was consulting a marriage counselor.“When I was fi rst married，I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop，and my little dog would race around barking，and my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home，my dog brings me my slippers，and my wife barks at me.”“I don't know what you're complaining about，”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.”汪汪叫的妻子一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。
“刚结婚那会儿，我非常幸福。
我在店里劳累一天回到家，我的小狗会绕着我跑，汪汪叫，而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。
现在一切都变了。
我回到家里，我的狗给我拿来拖鞋，我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。
”“我不知道你在抱怨什么，”婚姻顾问说。
“你得到的服务还是一样的呀4、好孩子Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents.”What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?”“I gave it to a poor old woman,”he answered.“You’er a good boy,”said the mother proudly.”Here are tow cents more.But why are you so i nterested in the old woman?”“She is the one who sells the candy.”小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”“我给了一个可怜的老太婆。
”他回答说。
“你真是一个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说. “再给你两分钱。
可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”“她是个卖糖果的。
”5、两只鸟Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.Teacher: Please tell us.Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.两只鸟老师：这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。
谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。
老师：请说说看。
学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
6、Sleeping PillsBob was having trouble getting to sleep at night. He went to see his doctor,who prescribed some extra-strong sleeping pills.Sunday night Bob took the pills, slept well and was awake before he heard the alarm. He took his t ime getting to the office, strolled in and said to his boss: "I didn't have a bit of trouble getting up th is morning.""That's fine," roared the boss, "but where were you Monday and Tuesday?"安眠药鲍勃晚上失眠。
他去看医生，医生给他开了一些强力安眠药。
星期天晚上鲍勃吃了药，睡得很好，在闹钟响之前就醒了过来。
他到了办公室，遛达进去，对老板说：“我今天早上起床一点麻烦都没有。
”“好啊!”老板吼道，“那你星期一和星期二到哪儿去了？”7、Weather PredictA film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went upto the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."The next day there was a hailstorm."This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hirethe Indian to predict the weather.However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show upfor two weeks.Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I' m depending on you. What will the weather be like?"The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."天气预报一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴."印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."7、Did You Know Him?At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. "I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?" "Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."你认识他吗？在朋友家的一次宴会上，主人提起一位高中时的校友。