英语幽默100个(8)
英语幽默100个（8）
100 English Humours
71. I'll Learn the Latter Half
Son: Dad, is French very difficult to learn?
Father: MY boy, at the beginning it is, but after that it becomes very easy.
Son: That’s great! I’ll learn the latter half.
72. A Poor Poet
Poet: I hope you have received the little volume of poems I sent you.
Woman: Oh, yes, I have. It’s very nice. I wonder where I have put it?
Her son: It’s under leg of the table, Mum, to make it steady.
73. I'll Take Two
Tall woman: Look! Here is a magazine that tells how to take five years off your face.
Short Woman: Good! I’ll take two of them!
74. The Opposite Result
After a year of treatment at a beauty parlor, a forty-year-old woman told her husband. “Miss Tina, who treats me, says that I looked almost fifty before the treatment, but now I look only about thirty.”
After a while her husband said, “I’m afraid it’s the opposite result.”
75. When to Write
Jack is a college freshman and the school is away from his hometown. His parents have not heard from him for quite a long time. When they met their son upon his return for vacation and asked about it, Jack rep lied, “I found little time to write when I was busy, and found little to write when I am free.”
76. Let's Have a Try
Before a young lady bought a lipstick, she asked the shop assistant at the cosmetics counter.
“Will the lipstick fade after being kissed?”
The man clerk thought for a while and then answered, “Well, we can have a try first and see.”
77. The Mystery of Success
Once I asked one of my friends about the mystery of her handsome and successful husband. This is her reply:
“A wife with an unpleasant look can make her husband focus all his attention on his work.”
78. Is He Better?
A year ago, Mary’s brother had a traffic accident and was sent to hospital at once with a very serious brain injury. Last month, I saw Mary in the street and asked if her brother was any better after the brain operation.
“Yes,” she replied, “he’s much bett er. Before the operation he can’t recognize anyone. Now he offers greetings to a nyone he sees.”
79. Who Is the Most Obedient?
A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present. “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to Mother and does everything he or she is told?” he asked.
There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!”
80. A Secret of Long Life
Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday, and everyone was complimenting him on how well he looked.
“I’ll tell you the secret,” he said, “My wife and I were married seventy-five years ago. On our wedding night we made a pledge that whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go out and take a walk. I have been in the open air continuously for the past seventy-five years.”。
英语笑话简短爆笑
英语笑话简短爆笑
1. Why is the doctor so angry? （为什么医生那么生气？）Because he has no patience.（因为他没有耐心呀。
）
笑点：耐心=patience，病人（复数形式）=patients，两个词读音相似，一语双关。
2. What is the longest word in the English language?（英语里最长的单词是？）Smiles. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.（Smiles，因为它的首尾字母之间隔了一英里那么长。
）笑点：翻译时需要保留smiles，因为中文不分单复数，这里规避了字面意义上的最长，而是利用了单词mile 的含义。
3. What do you call a deer with no eyes?（没有眼睛的鹿叫什么？）No idea.（不知道。
）
笑点：deer 和idea 读音相似，这里是谐音梗。
4. Why don't scientists trust atoms?（为什么科学家不相信原子？）Because they make up everything.（因为它们构成了一切。
）笑点：make up 有化妆、编造、组成等意思，这里取了组成的意思。
5. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?（当
雪人跟吸血鬼杂交，会得到什么？）Frostbite.（冻疮。
）笑点：frostbite 有冻伤、冻疮的意思，同时它跟frost（霜）和bite （咬）两个词有关，这里是双关梗。
英语幽默100个(6)
英语幽默100个（6）100 English Humours51. I Must Find ItMr. Morrow was a very absent-minded man. Once he was reading earnestly on a train when the conductor asked him to show his ticket. Frantically Mr. Morrow searched for it.“Never mind, Mr. Morrow,” the conductor said. “When you find it, mail it to the company. I’m certain you have it.”“I know I have it,” answered Mr. Morrow. “But what I want t o know is, where in the world am I going?”52. A Silly ProfessorA professor tried to train his donkey to get along without eating, by gradually cutting down on his food. When the animal dropped dead of starvation, he said, “An irreplaceable loss. Just when he had learned not to eat, he suddenly died.”53. A Clever AnswerDad: Do you know why I am going to punish you, Bob?Bob: No, Dad.Dad: One should always be kind to the younger, but th is morning you threw little Jim’s hat into the pool.Bob: Yes, I know I was wrong, Dad. But am I much younger than you?54. A Faithful Pupil“Flowers need water,” said the teacher. “Water your flowers every day, or they’ll die.”One morning Mother saw Marry out in the garden and asked, “What are you doing there,Marry?”“Watering flowers,” said Marry.“But it is raining now!”“Oh, it doesn’t matter. Mum. I have an umbrella!”55. A Silly ServantA servant broke a cup. His master was very angry and asked, “How did you break it?”“Do you really want to know?” the servant picked up another cup and threw it onto the ground, “I broke it like this.”56. HappinessJudge: Now I see that apart from money, you stole watches, rings and necklaces.Defendant: Yes, sir. But I heard that money alone does not bring happiness.57. You Get ZeroDuring a Christmas exam, one of the questions was: “What causes a depression?” One of the st udents wrote: “God knows! I don’t. Merry Christmas!”The exa m paper came back with the prof’s notation: “God gets 100! You get zero! Happy New Year!”58. I Am a BarberWoman: how many times do you shave a day?Man: Oh, forty or fifty times.Woman: Are you crazy?Man: No, I am a barber.59. Is He a Good Doctor?An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick. “I have to see a doctor,” he told a local. “How can I know which doctor is a good one?”“It’s easy,” was the reply. “Every t i me a doctor loses a patient, it’s our law that he must fly a balloon above his office.”So the American began his search. One doctor flew 20 balloons, another 30. Finally the American found an office that was flying only five, and he went in.“You will have to wait,” the doctor told him. “For someone who onl y started practice yesterday, I’ve been very busy.”60. Sold OutIn a bookshop, a writer found all the books on the shelves were written by him. He was very pleased.“Where are the other writers’books?” he asked.“They have been sold out.” was the answer.。
100个搞笑幽默段子
100个搞笑幽默段子真实的幽默是生活中的调味品，能够轻松地缓解压力、增添欢乐。
今天，我为大家整理了一些搞笑幽默段子，希望能够给大家带来一点快乐。
1. 学习英语有时候真是挺讨厌的，尤其是在我去美国旅游的时候。
我去超市买东西，看到一种很喜欢的洗发水，于是想告诉朋友。
我就对那个超市店员说：“Excuse me, where is the shampoo for Chinese?"（对不起，请问中国人的洗发水在哪里？）我很绝望地发现，中国人的洗发水怎么会在美国超市卖呢？2. 我家里的猫最近总是跳上窗台，每天都在窗户外面大喊大叫。
我实在受不了了，于是去问它怎么回事。
它看着我无辜地说：“主人，我只是习惯性地在窗户外面叫，因为趴在这里的猫好像比我好看。
”3. 有一天，我的朋友在公园里看到一只可爱的小狗，忍不住想摸一摸。
结果，他居然摸到了一篇有灵魂的报纸！后来，他告诉我：“真是奇怪，报纸在狗身体里，但它的头从哪里冒出来的呢？”4. 我的朋友最近超级痴迷韩剧，每天都在学韩语。
一天，我们一起去餐厅，服务员问她：“你要喝点什么？”她兴奋地回答：“아이스마키아또!”（冰美式咖啡）服务员一脸懵逼，她好笑地看着我说：“好像他们不懂韩语。
”5. 每次跟我爸妈聊天的时候，我都要对着电话大喊大叫。
一次，我问我妈：“妈妈，是不是电话对面的人听不到我说话？”我妈纳闷地问我怎么会这么说。
我告诉她：“因为每次打电话，我只能听到你跟爸爸喊话，根本听不到我的声音。
”6. 刚才我在商场看到一对情侣，女生高兴地买了一双漂亮的鞋子，然后指着那对沉默不语的男生说：“我们这是情侣鞋，还要一起买一双！”男生满脸黑线地说：“是不是抱着一起逛街就能发现自己的幸福的心情跟我一起买鞋？”女生委屈地看着男生说：“都是你要买的。
”7. 一只鸡问另一只鸡：“你为什么要过马路？”那只鸡回答：“我想看看那边有没有更好吃的谷粒。
”那只问：“我也想过马路，你能带我一起去吗？”第一只鸡说：“当然可以，我们一起吃好吃的东西。
★爆笑谐音巧记英语单词
爆笑谐音巧记英语单词100条-1（1）：警察跑累死police，n,警察，音“跑累死”。
警察的最终结局是“跑累死”，因为小偷可以选择休息，而警察不能，警察永远跟在多个小偷的后面。
爆笑（2）：柴门出主席chairman，n,主席，音“柴门”。
柴门是寒门。
寒门出孝子，也出主席。
从柴门走出来的主席很多。
爆笑（3）：饱死老板，饿死员工boss，n，老板，音“饱死”。
worker，n，工人，音“饿客”。
工人们不要不平衡，老板会撑而“饱死”，工人是“饿客”，饿，不一定死。
或者说，饱死老板，饿死员工，与老板殊途同归。
爆笑（4）：法官会“榨汁”judge，n，法官，音“榨汁”，又音“喳吱”。
社会上有种说法“吃了原告，吃被告。
”有些法官会“榨汗”，榨原告被告的油汁。
法官喳喳吱吱时候，是在纠问式审判，现在是听判式，法官很少“喳吱”了。
爆笑（5）：律师老爷lawyer，n,律师，音“老爷”。
有个被告叫律师老爷，忘了叫法官青天大老爷，法官非常生气。
毕竞法官比律师说了算。
爆笑（6）：阿哥累了Ugly,adj，丑陋的，音“阿哥累”。
阿哥累了，变得丑了，心灵美了，阿妹不离他走了。
爆笑（7）：政委与神甫commissar，n.，代表, 政委，音“靠弥撒”。
弥撒是天主教的一种宗教仪式，用面饼和葡萄酒表示耶稣的身体和血来祭祀天主。
西方的军队有随军神甫，相当于政委吧，靠弥撒做思想政治工作吧。
爆笑（8）：三克油送给你thank,you.谢谢你。
音“三克油”。
解：三克油，送给你，略表谢意。
礼物虽轻，谢意情浓。
爆笑（9）：客套与套客talk，v,谈话, 谈论, 议论,n ,谈话。
音“套客”。
解：中国人谈话先客套，外国人真接就套客，小心哪。
爆笑（10）：抬之若爆，小心为妙Terrible adj. 很糟的, 极坏的, 可怕的，音：“抬若爆”。
解：一抬就能爆炸的东西，如定时炸弹，一定是可怕的。
We saw a terrible storm. 我们遇到了一场可怕的风暴。
土味情话英语版100句
土味情话英语版100句一、动物主题1. Are you a cat? Because you are so cute and make my heart melt.（你是猫吗？因为你如此可爱，让我的心都融化了。
）2. Are you a panda? Because you are so adorable and precious to me.（你是熊猫吗？因为你对我来说如此可爱且珍贵。
）3. Do you know what kind of animal I like best? It's you.（你知道我最喜欢什么动物吗？是你。
）二、食物主题4. Are you chocolate? Because you are so sweet.（你是巧克力吗？因为你好甜。
）5. You must be bread, because every time I see you, I feel warm and satisfied.（你一定是面包，因为每次看到你，我都感到温暖和满足。
）6. Are you an apple? Because you are the apple of my eye.（你是苹果吗？因为你是我的掌上明珠。
）三、自然主题7. Are you the sun? Because you light up my world.（你是太阳吗？因为你照亮了我的世界。
）8. You are like a star, shining brightly in my sky.（你就像一颗星星，在我的天空中闪耀。
）9. Are you a flower? Because you are so beautiful and fragrant.（你是花吗？因为你如此美丽且芬芳。
）四、情感主题10. I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.（我一定是一片雪花，因为我已为你倾倒。
英语幽默笑话
英语幽默笑话英语幽默笑话（精选15篇） 在繁忙的学习⼯作中，适时读⼀些幽默笑话，放松⾃⼰，劳逸结合⼗分重要。
下⾯是⼩编为你整理的⼏则英语幽默精彩段⼦，让你笑到停不下来 英语幽默笑话篇1 ⼀、我是单⾝汉 Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked."Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor." 杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.⼀位年轻美貌的护⼠拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格"还有什么漏填的?"护⼠问."有!"杰克想了想说,"我是个单⾝汉." ⼆、死于肝癌的⼈100%都吃饭 Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho. Husband:It's okey.To my investigation,all Thespeopleeat meals. 妻⼦：你看这张报纸,据统计,死于肝癌的⼈80%都是喝酒的. 丈夫：那有什么?据我调查,死于肝癌的⼈100%都吃饭的. 三、位置上的冰激凌 "Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine." "Yours?Can you prove it?" "Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it." "请原谅,你占了我的位置." "你的位置?你能征明这点吗?" "能,我在位置上放了杯冰激凌." 四、别⽆选择 One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?" Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?" ⼀天,夏娃问亚当："你当真爱我吗?" 亚当⽆可奈何地回答："我还有的选择吗?" 五、两个男孩 Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says,"Why are you arguing?" One boy answers,"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. 当⽼师⾛进教室时,两个男孩在争论. ⽼师是说：你们在争论什么? ⼀个男孩回答：‘我们捡到⼀张10块,我们决定把它给⼀个说最⼤的谎的⼈.’ ‘你们应该觉得羞耻’⽼师说,‘当我像你们那么⼤的时候,我连什么是说谎都不知道.’ 两个男孩把钱给了那个⽼师. 六、两只鸟 Teacher:Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which? Student:I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher:Please tell us. Student:The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. ⽼师：这⼉有两只鸟,⼀只是⿇雀.谁能指出哪只是燕⼦,哪只是⿇雀吗? 学⽣：我指不出,但我知道答案. ⽼师：请说说看. 学⽣：燕⼦旁边的`就是⿇雀,⿇雀旁边的就是燕⼦. 七、鱼⽹ "Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. "你能告诉我鱼⽹是什么做的吗," ⽼师发问道. "把许多⼩孔⽤绳⼦栓在⼀起就成了鱼⽹了." ⼩⼥孩回答道. ⼋、他赢了 Tommy:How is your little brother,Johnny?Johnny:He is ill in bed.He hurt himself. Tommy:That's too bad.How did that happen? Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won. 汤姆：约翰尼,你⼩弟弟好吗? 约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤. 汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事⼉? 约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把⾝⼦探出窗外最远,他赢了. 选我吧 英语幽默笑话篇2 ⼼不在焉的⽼师 An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street withone foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.” 有⼀天，⼈们看见⼀个有名的⼼不在焉的⽼师在路上⾛，他的⼀只脚⼀直踏在街沟⾥，另⼀只脚踩在⼈⾏道上。
英语幽默100个(4)
英语幽默100个（4）100 English Humours31. A Girl Not IncludedTom saw an advertisement in a newspaper for a beautiful, modern bicycle which cost ￡54. 99, so he went to the shop which had put the advertisement in and asked to see one of their wonderful bicycles.The shopkeeper was very happy to show one to Tom, who examined carefully and turned into the shop, saying, “There isn’t a lamp on this bicycle, but there was one on the bicycle in your advertisement.“Yes, sir,” answered the shopkeeper, “but the lamp isn’t included in the price of the bicycl e. It’s an extra.”“Not included in the price of the bicycle?” Tom said angrily. “But that’s not honest. If the lamp is in the advertisement, it should have been included in the price yo u gave there.”“Well, sir,” answered the shopkeeper calmly, “there is a girl on the bicycle i n our advertisement, but we don’t supply one of them with the bicycle either.”32. A Brave BoyJohnny was nine years old, and he was a very naughty boy, but his mother always hoped that he would behave better. Then one day, after he ha d come home from school, Johnny’s teacher called his mother on the phone and said, “Did you know, Mrs. Perkins, that Johnny saved a boy when he fell int o the river while we were out for a walk this morning?”Mr. Perkins was very happy when she heard this. She thought, “Johnny is becoming a good boy.” Then she turned to him and said, “That was your teacher. Why didn’t you tell me you had been such a brave boy and saved one of your friends when he fell into the river this morning?”But Johnny did not look very happy when he heard this. His face became very red, and he said, “Well, I really had to pull him out because I pushed him in.”33. Jim at SeaJim worked as a cabin-boy on a small steamer. One morning he broke a coffeepot and threw it into the sea. When he brought in breakfast for the captain, he said, “May I ask you a question, sir?”“Of course, you may,” said the captain, “What is it?”“Is it a thing lost if you know where it is?” said Jim.“Of course it isn’t,” said the captain.“Then your coffee-pot isn't lost, sir, because I know where it is,” said Jim with a smile.“Where is it?” asked the captain.“At the bottom of the sea.” said Jim.34. You Are the FifthA man saw a fisherman standing in the lake with a mirror. “Excuse me,” he said. “What are you doing?”“Fishing,” the fisherman replied.“With a mirror?” the man asked, surpris e.“Sure-it’s a new invention. I am going to make a fortune.”“Could you tell how it works?”“Okay, but is will cost you $10.”To satisfy his curiousity, the man handed the fisherman the money. “Now show me how it works,” he said.“Well,” the fisherman began, “you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab it.”The man was greatly surprised. “Don't tell me that how you fish. It's ridicul ous! How many have you caught?”“You are the fifth today!” replied the fisherman with a smile.35. A Smart HorseA cowboy fell off his horse and broke his leg on his way out on the prairie. The steed grabbed his master’s belt in his teeth, carried him to shelter and then went to fetch the doctor.Talking it over a few weeks later, a friend praised the horse’s intelligence. “Heck, he’s so smart,” replied the cowboy. “He came back with the veterinarian.”36. Outside and InsideTeacher: Arthur, if you had three apples and ate one, how many would you have?Arther: Three.Teacher: Three?Arthur: Yes, Two outside and one inside.37. The City Man and the Mountain ManA city man was on holidays in the mountains. He got talking to a local man and was very impressed by the mountain man's common sense. He suggested they play a game. “We will ask each other questions,” he said, “and the person who can't answer pays a dollar.” The mountain man thought about this for a few minutes, then pointed out that the city man was more educated and experienced. He said it would be fairer if the city man paid a dollar and he pays only 50 cents. The city man agreed.“What has three legs and can fly?” asked the mountain man. Minutes passed while the city man racked his brain for an answer. “I don’t know,” he finally said. “Here is your dollar.”Then he asked the same question: “What has three legs and can fly?”“Darned if I know,” said the mountain man. “Here is your 50 cents.”38. Welcome to Come BackA tourist saw a road sign that read “No through Way. Please Go Another Way.” He looked ahead and saw nothing wrong at all. He decided to go on, thinking the sign was a kind of joke. After a while he saw a broken bridge and had to turn back. When he came to the sign on the road, he saw these words on its backside: “Welcome to Come Back. You Fool!”39. The Rope and the WeatherBoy: What are you doing with that piece of rope?Old-timer: This is a weather gauge, my son.Boy: How do you tell the weather with a piece of rope?Old-timer: It’s simple. When it swings back and forth, it’s windy. When it gets wet, i t’s raining.40. I'll Take the Other OneIf you think prices are too high you can follow the example of one American woman. At a fruit shop the price of oranges was marked as two for 35 cents.The woman asked how much one orange was. “18 cents.” was the answer. “Then,” the woman said, “I'll take the other one!”。
英语幽默小笑话100个
英语幽默小笑话100个笑话是一种能够带给人快乐，平添生活乐趣的文凭形式，以其机智、幽默、搞笑的特点，深受人们喜爱。
英语幽默小笑话就是一种给人带来快乐的黑色幽默渐层，也是美国人的一大特色文化。
以下是100个英语幽默小笑话：1、A: What did the fish say when it hit the wall?B: Dam!2、Q: What did the policeman say to his belly?A: Freeze!3、Q: Where do you find a dog with no legs?A: Right where you left it.4、Q: What did the tie say to the hat?A: You go on a head, and I hang around.5、Q: Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?A: He wanted to improve his bite.6、Q: What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?A: Dam!7、Q: What did the tree say to autumn?A: Leaf me alone.8、Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?A: Write on me!9、Q: What did the monster say when he swallowed a clown?A: You taste funny.10、Q: Why don scientists trust atoms?A: Because they make up everything.11、Q: How do you make a tissue dance?A: You put a little boogie in it.12、Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?A: A gummy bear.13、Q: What did the elephant say to the birthday cake? A: Nothing, it just gave it a big hug.14、Q: Why don vampires like going to parties?A: They don like to get sucked into conversations.15、Q: What did the bee say when it hit the window?A: Oh, buzz off!16、Q: Why did the scarecrow get promoted?A: Because he was outstanding in his field.17、Q: What did the barrel say to the other barrel?A: We can stand each other!18、Q: How do you make a hoodie laugh?A: Tell it a joke hoodie-style.19、Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick? A: Put it on my bill.20、Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?A: A gummy bear.21、Q: why don astronauts play cards in space?A: Because they float away!22、Q: How do you make an octopus laugh?A: With ten-tickles.23、Q: What did the sheep say to the shepherd?A: Nothing, it just baa-ed.24、Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?A: Odor in the court!25、Q: What did the calculator say to the math book?A: You can count on me!26、Q: What did the helium balloon say to the air?A: Nothing, it just let out a little squeak.27、Q: What did the computer say when it crashed?A: Hey, I having a bad day!28、Q: What did the 0 say to the 8?A: Nice belt!29、Q: What did the paperclip say to the magnet?A: I find you very attractive.30、Q: What did the silverware say to the plate?A: You complete me!31、Q: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?A: Aye matey!32、Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?A: You turn me on!33、Q: What did the big chimney say to the small chimney? A: You too young to smoke!34、Q: What did the clock say to the other clock?A: Don worry, I right behind you.35、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: I here to pollenate!36、Q: What did the teacher say to the pencil?A: You looking sharp!37、Q: What did the hamburger say to the hotdog?A: We make a great pair!38、Q: What did the rain say to the dirt?A: Let go make some mud pies!39、Q: What did the calculator say to the math book?A: You can count on me!40、Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall?A: Dam!41、Q: What did the elephant say to the birthday cake? A: Nothing, it just gave it a big hug!42、Q: What did the cowboy say when he lost his horse? A: Howdy, saddle-less!43、Q: What did the alien say to the dad?A: Take me to your leader!44、Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?A: Hold on to your leaves!45、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: I here to pollenate!46、Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?A: Let go for a hop!47、Q: What did the teacher say to the pencil?A: You looking sharp!48、Q: What did the rock say to the cliff?A: Hang in there!49、Q: What did the letter say to the envelope?A: Let stick together!50、Q: What did the mama bee say to her lazy bee?A: Wake up and Bee productive!51、Q: What did the cowboy say when he lost his horse? A: Howdy, saddle-less!52、Q: What did the egg say to the frying pan?A: You crack me up!53、Q: What did the key say to the lock?A: It so nice to see you again!54、Q: What did the snail say to the turtle?A: Hurry up!55、Q: What did the cowboy say to the cactus?A: How it hanging?56、Q: What did the doctor say to the patient?A: Take two aspirin and call me in the morning.57、Q: What did the bicycle say to the car?A: You may be faster, but I more fun!58、Q: What did the two antennas say to each other? A: You look good, girl!59、Q: What did the octopus say to the philosopher? A: I think, therefore I am eight!60、Q: What did the big hand say to the little hand? A: Let get to work!61、Q: What did the tomato say to the other tomato? A: You looking a little red today.62、Q: What did the duck say to the waiter?A: Put it on my bill.63、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: I here to pollenate!A: Bee yourself!65、Q: What did the bird say to the worm?A: Worm your way out!66、Q: What did the fish say to the whale?A: You a big fish in a small pond.67、Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?A: Write on me!68、Q: What did the teapot say to the cup?A: Time for a cup of tea!69、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: Buzz off!70、Q: What did the noodle say to the other noodle? A: Let have a pasta party!71、Q: What did the alarm clock say to the bed?A: Time to wake up!72、Q: What did the tree say to the wind?A: Leaf me alone!73、Q: What did the tree say to the other tree?A: What a re-leaf!74、Q: What did the fish say when it hit the wall? A: Dam!A: You looking sharp!76、Q: What did the calculator say to the math book?A: Let work it out!77、Q: What did the bird say to the worm?A: Wanna come out and play?78、Q: What did the elephant say to the mouse?A: You so tiny!79、Q: What did the bee say to the other bee?A: Let make honey!80、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: Smell me!81、Q: What did the frog say to the fly?A: Time for dinner!82、Q: What did the pizza say to the oven?A: Let get cooking!83、Q: What did the fish say when it saw a boat?A: That a big hook!84、Q: What did the elephant say when he saw the mouse? A: That tiny!85、Q: What did the skeleton say to the other skeleton? A: We have a lot in common!86、Q: What did the ball say to the other ball?A: Let play catch!87、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: Bee mine!88、Q: What did the ice cream cone say to the other ice cream cone?A: Let have a scoop!89、Q: What did the tree say to the axe?A: Chop chop!90、Q: What did the pencil say to the eraser?A: Let work it out!91、Q: What did the horse say when it tripped?A: Neigh!92、Q: What did the scarecrow say when it got promoted? A: I outstanding in my field!93、Q: What did the pelican say to the other pelican? A: Let go for a dive!94、Q: What did the bee say to the other bee?A: Hey, bee-friend!95、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: Let make honey!96、Q: What did the lightbulb say to the switch?A: You turn me on!97、Q: What did the firefly say to the other firefly? A: Let light up the night!98、Q: What did the bee say to the flower?A: Smell me!99、Q: What did the spider say to the fly?A: You in my web now!100、Q: What did the bee say to the beekeeper?A: Let me out of this hive!从上述100个英语幽默小笑话可以看出，英语幽默小笑话涵盖了生活中的各种场景，不论是小动物、植物、机械还是自然现象，都能以机智、幽默、搞笑的方式进行描述。
英语幽默100个(1)
英语幽默100个（1）100 English Humour1. She Didn't Say AnythingA mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.“How do you know?” asked her father.“She didn't say anything.”2. I Have Turned It OverA woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”His wife was very angry at this. “How lazy you are!” She shouted, “To tell you th e truth, I turned it over last week.3. The Art of CryWhen Mrs Johnson entered Belli's room, she found that he was binding up his thumb.“What's the matter with you?” she asked.“It is because of that hammer.” Belli answered.“But I didn't hear you cry.” “Oh, I thought you were not in just now.”4. We Need Two of Those“Do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job.“No,” said the personnel director checking the list. “We have got plenty of typists.”“How about file clerks?” asked the man.“Sorry, we have many file clerks, too.”Disgusted, the applicant started to leave, muttering. “Well, I’ll be an S.O.B.…”The personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! We need two of those.”5. It’s Not That“May I borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor.“Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?”“No,” he answered. “Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet.”6. It Is Out TooOne cold day, a friend of the Browns’ went to visit them. The maid stopped him at the door. The friend asked, “Is Mr. Brown at home?” “No, he has gone out.” Replied the maid. “Is Mrs. Brown at home, then?” “No, she’s gone out.” “May I come in and sit by the stove?” “No, it has gone out, too.”7. Is There a Crib in Your Stomach?When my sister-in-law Leah was expecting her second child, her son Brian would sometimes touch his mother's tummy to feel the baby move. One day, while touching her stomach and not feeling anything, he asked, “How come the baby isn't moving?”“The baby is sleeping,” replied his mother.Brian thought for a moment and then said, “You mean you got a crib in there too?”8. Mother MouseA mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.Mother mouse barked fiercely, “Woof, woof, woof!” The cat was so terrified that it ran for i t’s life.Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, “Now, do you understand the value of a second language?”9. I Want to TellWhen I was 12, my best friend and I broke a window playing baseball. We looked around to see if anyone had seen us. No one was in sight except my younger brother. We went over and offered him a piece of candy not to tell. He refused it.“I'll give you my baseball,” I said.“No!”“Well, what do you want?”“I want to tell.”10. A Clever ProfessorOnce a professor at Glasgow University put up a notice, which read: “Professor Black will meet his class tomorrow.” This means that he was going to give his students a lecture the next day.One naughty boy of the clas s saw the notice and wiped away the first letter of the word “class” in the notice. Then the sentence became “Professor Black will meet his lass tomorrow”, which means the professor would meet his girl friend. Seeing this, the professor didn't take it seriously. He, then,simply left out another letter of the word. Finally, the word “class” was turned into “ass”, which means, as we all know, “a stupid donkey”. Overall, the student hadn't surpassed the teacher.。
英语幽默100个(7)
英语幽默100个（7）100 English Humours61. The Last WarningAlice was a secretary. She was always late for work. Whenever she was late, she would tell the boss that her watch was slow.One morning Alice was late again. The boss was very angry. He shouted at her, “I say, Alice, if you don’t change your watch. I’ll change my secretary!”62. A Clever BoyIt was a very hot summer afternoon. The sun was shining brightly. A very tall and fat woman was walking along the street. She felt uneasy because a schoolboy was following her closely. She began to walk faster, and the boy walked slowly, too! At last the woman stopped. She turned round and looked at the boy.“Tell me, sonny,” she asked. “Why are you following me?”“Oh, sorry, madam,” said the boy, “but it’s cooler walking in the shade behind you.”63. I Didn't Need It ThenA poor man went into a doctor's office. He looked very sad. “Doctor,” he said,” you must help me.I … I s wallowed a dime two months ago.”“Oh, God!” said the doctor. “Why didn’t you come to me on the day when you swallowed it?”“To tell you truth, Doctor,” the man replied, “I didn’t need it so much then.”64. You Are the SeventhOne morning, John left his house with six donkeys to go to the market. After a time, he got very tired and got on one of them. He counted the donkeys, and there were only five, so he got off and went to look for the sixth. He looked and looked but did not find it. So he went back to the donkeys and counted them again. This time there were six, so he got on one of them again, and they all started.After a few minutes, he counted the donkeys again, and again there were only five! While he was counting aga in, a friend of his passed, and John said to him, “I left my house with six donkeys; then, I had five; then, I had six again; and now I have only five! Look! One, two, three, four, five.”“But, John,” said his friend, “you are sitting on a donkey too! Tha t is the sixth! And you are the seventh!”65. Mother and SonOne day Mother looked at Tom’s shoes and said, “Tom, lo ok at your shoes. How dirty they are! You must clean them.”“Oh, Mother, but I cleaned them only yesterday,” said the boy.“But they are dirty now, You must clean them again.”“I don’t want to clean them today; even if I clean them today, they will be dirty again tomorrow.”Tom’s mother thought for a m oment and said, “All right, Don’t clean them then.”In the evening Tom came back from school. He was very hungry.“Mother, give me something to eat, please,” he said.“You had your breakfast in the morning, Tom, and you had your lunch at school,” his mother said, smiling.“I’m hungry again now,” cried the boy.“Oh, really? But even if I give you something to eat today, you will be hungry again tomorrow.”66. Is Tom Right?One evening Tom was sitting in a concert hall with his uncle, They were listening to the beautiful music.“Do you know music?” his uncle asked Tom.“Yes.”“Can you tell me what the young man is playing now?”“Yes. He is playing the piano now.” Tom answered with a smile.67. He Swore to Die“If you refuse to marry me,” he swore,“I shall die,” She refused him.Sixty years later, he died.68. Who Were the Other Two?An adjective has three qualitative degrees: good, better and best.The pernickety English grammar teacher married a man of quality. “Y ou are the best woman in my life,” announced the groom on their wedding night.“And who were the other two?” angrily snapped the grammar-conscious bride.69. PolitenessMother: Which apple do you want, tom?Tom: The biggest one.Mother: Why, Tom, you should be polite and take the little one.Tom: Well, Mum, should I lie just to be polite?70. She Ate All My BaitThe young boy protested vigorously when his mother asked him to take his little sister to go fishing. “Last time she came,” he objected, “I didn’t catch a single fish.”“I’ll talk to her,” his mother said,” and I promise this time she won’t make any noise.”“It wasn’t the noise, Mum,” the boy replied. “She ate all my bait.”。