英语笑话大全

Family problems„ Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.

The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven'teven met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.

I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.

Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.

More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.

Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son i.e. my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I

have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.. And you say you have family problems..

1. Count to one Hundred Before You Speak In class,the teacher,with his back leaning against the stove,said to the students,"Before you speak,you should think and count to at least 50,and for important matters to 100." No sooner had the teacher stopped talking than the students began to count. at last all the students shouted together,"1...98,99,100.teacher,your clothes are on fire."

数到一百再说 课堂上，老师背靠火炉站着，对学生们说：“说话前要三思，起码数到50，重要的事情要数到一百。” 老师的话音刚落，学生立刻从“1”开始数起来。最后一起喊：“98，99，100！老师，您的衣服着火了。”

2.The Advantage of Alcohol In order to prove the harmful effect of alcohol,the teacher put a bug into a glass filled with alcohol,soon the bug died. The teacher asked a student,"what does this show?"

The student answered,"It shows that people won't get parasites if they drink more alcohol."

酒的好处 为了证明酒精对生物的危害，老师把一只虫子放入装有酒精的杯子里，虫子很快就死了。老师问一个学生：“这说明了什么？” 学生答道：“说明人多喝酒，就不会长虫子。”

3.Exchange the Tortoise for the Wolf Teacher:Some students are becoming arrogant.Do you remember the story about race between the hare and the tortoise?Now,Xiaoming,will you please tell us why the hare was defeated by the tortoise?

Xiaoming:Because the hare fell asleep. Teacher:Absolutely right!What should we do so that the hare won't fall asleep?

Xiaoming:Exchange the tortoise for the wolf. 把乌龟换成狼 老师：有些同学开始骄傲了，大家还记得龟兔赛跑的故事吗。小明，你说说看，兔子为什么输给乌龟？ 小明：因为它睡觉了。 老师：对极了！我们应该怎么做才能让兔子不睡觉呢？ 小明：把乌龟换成狼！ Computer help desks are used to fielding oddball requests but sometimes the questions leave even the best of them stumped.

Such as: "Why isn't my wireless mouse connected to the computer?"

Or: "Can you reset the Internet for me?"

Then there was the questioner who asked: "Where can I get software to track UFOs?"

Robert Half Technology, a provider of information technology professionals based in Menlo Park, California, asked 1,400 chief information officers from companies across the United States to come up with the most baffling questions their help desks or technical support teams had ever received. Among the more unusual were:

-- "My computer is telling me to press any key to continue. Where is the 'any' key?"

-- "Can you rearrange the keyboard alphabetically?" -- "My daughter is locked in the bathroom, can you pick the lock?" -- "Can you tell me the weather forecast for next year?" -- "Can you install cable TV on my PC?" Then there was the computer user who confused the CD-ROM drive with a drink holder and asked: "How do I get my computer's coffee-cup holder to come out again?" Katherine Spencer Lee, executive director of Robert Half Technology, said such queries were a test of the skills of the help and technical support desks.

"These unusual requests highlight the need for technical support personnel to also demonstrate patience, empathy and a sense of humor," she said.

帮用户解决电脑问题是电脑技术支持的主要职责，但有时用户提 的问题甚至把IT精英们都给难倒了。 比如：“为什么我的无线鼠标没连在电脑上？” 再如：“能帮我重启一下网络吗？” 还有人会问：“在哪能下载追踪UFO的软件？” 总部位于加州门罗园的“罗伯特1/2”IT咨询公司日前对美国各地的1400位公司IT主管进行了一项调查，让他们列出公司的技术咨询或支持部门所遇到的“最难回答”的问题。其中包括： “电脑提示：请按任意键继续。这个任意键在哪？” “你能将键盘按字母顺序重排吗？” “我女儿被锁在浴室了，你能开锁吗？” “能不能帮我查查明年的天气预报？” “能帮我在电脑上安装有线电视吗？” 还有一位用户将光盘驱动器（CD-ROM）与一种杯架混淆了，问曰：“怎么把电脑上的咖啡杯架弄出来？” “罗伯特1/2”IT咨询公司的执行官凯瑟琳•斯宾塞•李说，这些问题对于技术人员来说的确是个考验。 她说：“技术人员在解答这些问题时，一定要有耐心，要理解用户，还要有些幽默感。” Fresh Richer A fresh richer is purchasing coffin in the store for the death．A person asks him：“Which one is better？”He says：“Of course the zinc1)－filled is more durable2)，but the wooden is helpful to the health．” 新 贵 一个新贵在墓葬品商店选购他死时要用的棺材，有人问他：“最好买哪一种？”他说：“镀锌的棺材当然比较耐用，但木制棺材有益于健康。” NOTE 注释： 1. zinc n. 锌 vt. 涂锌于. 2. durable adj. 持久的, 耐用的 The reds or the greens？ Two apples up in a tree were looking down on the world．The first apple said，“Look at all those people fighting，robbing，rioting －－no one seems willing to get along with his fellow man．Some day we apples will be the only ones left．Then we'll rule the world．”Replied the second apple，“Which of us －－the reds or the greens？” 红的还是绿的？ 树上的两只苹果俯瞰着世界。第一只苹果说：“瞧瞧这些人吧，争斗、抢劫、骚乱——似乎就没有人愿意与别的人好好相处。总有一天，我们苹果就会成为世上惟一的幸存者。到那时我们就将统治世界。”第二只苹果回答说：“我们中的哪些呢——红的还是绿的？ You don’t have to pay for lightning Teacher：Who can tell me the difference between lightning and electricity？ Student：You don’ t have to pay for lightning. 闪电不用付钱 老师：谁能告诉我闪电与电的区别？ 学生：闪电不用付钱。