孔雀东南飞搞笑版

孔雀东南飞英语搞笑剧本Wander severy five miles焦仲卿Johnny (J for short) 刘兰芝Lunch(L for short)焦母Johnny’s mother (JM for short) 刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)王子prince (KS for short) 强盗Burglars(A、B and C)Prologue (序言)(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)J: Everybo dy says that I’m henpecked, but in fact, I’m as strong as a tiger, (小声)while my Wife is Wu Song.(指着上台处的门大声道) I’m not afraid of you!(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then, I’m afraid of whom?My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood. She is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than me. All this I do not care. I only want her to be tenderthan me. But she is not! Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)My God! Who can help me?(下)Act1(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)JM(拄拐棍上):I can!(对门内)Lunch! Lunch! Where are you?JM: I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law”.L: OK. My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law, what’s up?JM: Since you married my son you have behaved so badly. You have been so rude, so brusque, so lazy……L: But……JM: Never interrupt me!L: Never interrupt me! Since I married your son, that terrible Johnny, I have been working hard all day long, cooking and washing. I have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……JM: But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!L(生气地挥动着锅铲): Oh, you want a grandson, don’t you?(开始解围裙)Go and ask your son. I’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)Act2(LM坐在台上打毛线, L拿着锅铲上)L: Mum, I’m back!LM: You are back? Why? What happened?L: I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情): See! I have already told you! When you insisted on marrying that terrible Johnny, I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor, but you did not listen to me. Look at yourself……L: But, mum……L: Mum ,I’m not interrupting you. I just want to tell you that you are always right OK?And I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.LM(大喜): Nice girl! Just now, I met the prince in the market. He said: “If your daughter Haven’t been married, I really、really want to marry her!” Now you are free again, I’ll go and tell him.(下)L(惊愕): What? The prince, king’s son? The most famous play boy in theneighbor-hood?(手中的锅铲掉在地上)What a silly thing I have done!(下)Act3(J睡眼惺忪上)J(边走边道): Lunch! Lunch! Where are my socks?(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下) Er! How smelly! They are still dirty!(突然想起)Lunch has gone! I have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh, I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围裙) This is what Lunch always wears! I miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill! Now she has gone. I have to cook for my mother and myself.JM(上): Where’s my breakfast?Where’s Lunch?Hasn’t she got up yet?J: Mum, can’t you remember? Lunch has gone!JM(沉吟片刻): Well, to tell you the truth Johnny, a son without a wife is useless. Lunch is an ice girl, go and take her back!J(立正敬礼): Yes madam!(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)A: Hey you! Stop and listen to us!The road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)B: And I planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)C: If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)AB&C: Give us all your money!J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币): Is 1 mao enough?(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)A(自言自语): What bad luck! This guy is broken! If I can not rob any money today, I will have nothing to eat tonight! I heard that the prince is going to marry Miss Liu Lan zhi next month. We can go and rob the wedding! Good idea!J(惊讶): What? What? Lunch is going to get married? It’s impossible!A: Why? A pretty girl and a rich、famous man, what a good couple!J: But Lunch is my wife! We haven’t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea! You are going to rob the wedding, don’t you?I’ll go with you. You take the money and I take the bride.A: Have you got any experience?J: No. But I’ve got this!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台) (J和三强盗跃至台中)A&J: Hey you! Stop and listen to us!A: The road is built by me!J: And I planted one tree.A: If you want to go by this street---J: Give us all your money!(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)L(惊喜万分): Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)(KS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，KS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)J(火冒三丈): How dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向KS冲去）P(害怕状)：I’m the prince.You dear to hit me?J:I have killed 1000 persons,then you will be the next.(J与KS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕KS)(J将KS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)J(扶起L，关切地问): Honey, how are you?L(哭状): I hurt a lot!J: Don’t cry baby.I’ll take you to the hospital. (下)J&L下。

A：I’m a rich man from now.（下）P:Oh,my god!where is my pride and my money!What a tragedy.(下)。