人人都爱雷蒙德第一季第一集剧本

1.[Debra is in the kitchen, talking on the phone, while she rushes around to feed two babies - Matthew and Gregory - in high chairs. Her daughter Ally is sitting at the table.]Debra: [On phone] Nah, Ray’s still out of town covering the Yankees. Yeah, I know, he’s been gone for four days and he’s sixteen minutes late.[Ray enters through the back door.]Ray: Hey!Ally: [throwing a toy on the floor] Daddy!Debra: Grab that Ray![As Ray kneels to pick up the toy, Ally climbs on his back.]Ally: Daddy, daddy, daddy.Ray: Alright.Debra: Get off there, get down, get down.Matthew: [In the high chair] Mo?Ray: Matthew wants Mo.Debra: Okay, alright.Ray: We gotta cleanup Aisle Two.[The phone rings and Ray bumps his head on the table as he tries to get up.]Debra: [on phone] ...it’s dinnertime. [hangs up][Ray is still on the floor trying to clean up when one of the babies throws their bowl down and the food empties onto the floor.]Ray: Gregory’s done. [Another bowl falls] And Matthew’s done. And Ally’s done.[Ally begins to scream.]Debra: Okay, Ally...Ray: Okay, [hands the kids cookies] cookie, cookie and cookie.[Ally stops screaming. The children are all quiet. Ray and Debra sigh and look at each other.] Ray: Hi Honey.Debra: Hi.[They kiss.]------------------------------[Ray is in the garden, talking to a video camera. He is unpacking a giant box of an unmade garden toy.]Ray: Hi, I’m Ray. I live here in Long Island with my wife Debra, my five year old daughter, and twin almost-two-year-old boys. My parents live across the street. That’s right. Truth is, I’d do anything for my family. [He struggles to fix the toy together.] And done. Oh no... [he has trapped himself inside the garden toy.] Debra!! Honey!! Somebody! Call my father! I’m hyperventilating!------------------------------[Ray is in the living room, folding laundry. Debra enters.]Debra: Ugh, honey. I don’t know how I survived four days by myself.Ray: I know, I know. Hey, nobody hates going on the road more than me.[They hug.]Ray: It’s miserable for me out there.Debra: Yeah.Ray: Hey, look at this, Kal Ripkin signed my hat.Debra: Oh, that’s great. Look at this, Gregory spit up on my shirt.Ray: I’m not trading.Debra: Okay. Just be happy you made it home for my birthday, that’s all I can say.Ray: Oh, what? Of course I made it home for your birthday.Debra: Okay.Ray: Are you kidding? Your birthday is... [struggles]Debra: Sunday.Ray: Sunday, that’s right. Big party.Debra: And how old am I gonna be?Ray: [Pauses] I know that.Debra: Ray? How old?Ray: Alright. Alright, I just have to backtrack. Let’s see, when I proposed you were 23, you said no. Then I proposed, you were 24. No again. Then I took a year off to regroup, I came back with a job, boom, married. That would make you 32... [off Debra’s look] ...ish.Debra: Alright, I’ll accept that.Ray: Good, cause, oh, big party.Debra: No, you know what? I don’t want the party. I just want a nice day at home with my favourite husband and my kids, okay?Ray: Okay. And I guess, my parents and my brother too, right? My parents and my brother? What?Debra: Ray, it’s just that... Look, you know I love them, they’re my family too. But I was wondering if perhaps, we wouldn’t have them over on Sunday.Ray: Why not?Debra: Well, it’s just, you know, every day that you were gone, they dropped by. And then you’re dad is always waking up the kids, and now they don’t even call first.Ray: Well, they live across the street, why should they call? It’s quicker just to come by.Debra: I know.Ray: It’s like, we’re on the way.Debra: No, no, no, we are the way. We are where they’re going.Ray: You see, now you’re exaggerating a little.[Marie enters the front door without knocking.]Marie: You’re home!Ray: Hi mom.Marie: Hi, I saw your car pull up before. You didn’t call.Ray: No.Marie: Hi Debra, I brought you some baking soda for your fridge. I smelled something questionable.Ray: From across the street?Marie: [Laughs] No. When I was here yesterday.[Marie goes into the kitchen. Debra does not look happy as they follow her in.]Debra: Okay.Marie: [putting the soda in the fridge] Oooh, it’s worse.[Debra looks to go for Marie, but Ray intervenes.]Ray: Okay, alright, okay, alright. Ma, listen Ma, we can buy our own baking soda.Marie: I know sweetie, but you don’t. [looking at Debra’s shirt] Ooh, what have we here? Oh, I’ll get you some club soda for that too.Ray: No, we have club soda, ma.Marie: Oh, you’re father finished it. I’ll see you later.[Marie exits. Debra gives Ray a look.]Ray: Oh, it comes from love.---------------------------------[Debra enters the bedroom, Ray follows her.]Ray: Look, if you want, maybe I’ll talk to my father.Debra: Well, while you’re talking to him, would you mind mentioning the answering machine?Ray: Is he playing back the messages again? I changed the code.Debra: Well, he cracked it. [presses play on the machine.]Frank: [on machine] Everyone’s doing good. And Debra, you oughta call Linda back. Sounds like she had a very interesting visit to the gyno. [machine beeps]Ray: Oh, that’s funny. That’s you know... [off Debra’s look] well, it’s not for everybody. Loo k, he’s fooling around, that’s what he does. He’s like one of those guys, what do you call ’em? An idiot.Debra: And do they have to bring your brother over?Ray: My brother lives with them. He doesn’t like staying alone.Debra: He’s 40, Ray.Ray: Come on, he loves the kids.Debra: It’s just like... [thinks] the way Robert eats. You know, the way he has to touch every bite to his chin before he puts it in his mouth? It’s weird.Ray: What? That’s an idiosyncracy. It’s like when he’s counting and he gets to the number 12 and he has to take his shoes off. Everybody has those.Debra: How did he ever become a police sargeant?Ray: Cause he’s a good cop, and they didn’t make him count. Or eat.Debra: I don’t know Ray, it’s just that it’s every day and between them and the kids, I just feel...Ray: Lucky?Debra: Ray!Ray: Alright, look, alright, I’m home now. Maybe you need a break. I’ll tell you, why don’t you go out with Linda tomorrow night?Debra: What, and leave the kids with your parents?Ray: No. I’ll do the kids. [Debra laughs.] I can’t do that? Oh, hey, how about the time you went to your aunt’s for three days?Debra: I took the kids with me.Ray: Yeah, but I fed myself.-----------------------------------[Ray is in his bedroom, and the three kids are sitting on the bed.]Ray: [to Ally] Alright, which one’s Gregory?Ally: [points] That one.Ray: Yeah? This one’s Matthew?Ally: Uh-huh.Ray: You’r e sure about that?Ally: Mm-hm.Ray: Alright, now, we shuffle them. [He shuffles the kids and Ally giggles.] Put this one here, this one with the flippity floo, and this one goes here. You go back over here. You keeping your eye on them? Okay, wh ere’s Gregory? [Ally thinks about it] Ah-ha. Come on, it’s easy. [He lies down on the bed to get a better look.] Which one’s Gregory? [He doesn’t know.] Okay, don’t tell your mother about this.[The doorbell rings.]Leo: [from downstairs] Ray?Ally: Leo!![Ally runs down the stairs and opens the door to Leo. Ray picks up the twins, one in each arm and follows her.]Ally: Leo.Leo: Hey sport, how you doing? Hey Ray, welcome back, man.Ray: Hey, what’s going on? Look at this, I been working on this. I found a way where I can exercise and watch these guys at the same time. These are twin flies.[Ray strains and lifts the boys above his head, one each side. Ally and Leo laugh.]Ray: You know what’s great about this is the weight naturally increases. [He does it again.] -------------------------------[Leo is watching the game. Ray comes down the stairs.]Leo: Hey, Ray! Ray.Ray: Keep it down, Leo, I just got them off to sleep.Leo: Sorry. Hey, wanna go to Nemo’s, get a slice?Ray: Leo, my kids aren’t fish, okay? You can’t just sprinkle food over their crib and leave.Leo: Call your mother.Ray: Oh, I can’t. Debra’s got this thing about them coming over too much lately.[Marie enters without knocking. Ray groans.]Marie: I got the club soda. Hi Leo, hi.Leo: Hi, Mrs B.Marie: [she slaps him] How you doing?Leo: Mrs B? Would you mind maybe sitting with the kids for a bit while Raymond and I went out and got some pizza?Ray: No, no.Marie: No, not at all. But where’s Debra?Ray: She went to the movies with Linda.Marie: The movies?Ray: Yes.Marie: Some people get to live it up. Go ahead, you guys, go ahead. Go, get your pizza. You deserve it.Leo: You rock, Mrs B. Come on, let’s go.Ray: No. No. No. No. Debra doesn’t want me to leave them with...[He turns to see Marie listening.]Ray: ...out me.Marie: You’re leaving them with me.Ray: I know.Ma rie: They’re sleeping. Go on, go with your friend.Ray: I want to but I can’t.Leo: We know, you’re worried, you’re concerned, we’re all crying buckets, come on, let’s go.Ray: Alright, it’s 8:30, we got one hour, one hour.Marie: Would you go? Come on, you’re insulting me. I raised you, didn’t I?Ray: Oh God, you raised me.[They leave and Marie shuts the door after them.]--------------------------------[Marie is tidying up some toys. She goes to the desk, and decides to have a peek in the drawers. She looks through the papers on top of the desk and finds something shocking. Frank enters. Marie jumps guiltily.]Frank: Hey.Marie: Oh Frank, Robbie, you scared me.Frank: You don’t leave a note, you just leave. We were looking all over for you.Marie: Where did you look?Robbie: We thought we’d start here.Frank: Where are the kids?Marie: Oh, they’re sleeping, they’re sleeping.Frank: I just want to see them, come on, it’s early. I just wanna see the kids, they can sleep when we go.Marie: No. You wanna see something? Huh? [She shows him the paper.] A hundred and twenty dollar receipt from Victoria Secrets.Frank: [studies the invoice] What the hell’s a bustier? [Marie g estures to her chest.]Robbie: [picks up a trophy on Ray’s desk] When did he get this?Marie: Oh, that’s an award your brother got for his sports column.Robbie: It never ends for Raymond.Marie: [pats his shoulder] Aww, poor Robbie.Robbie: Everybody loves Raymond. I go to work, people shoot at me. Ray goes to work, people do the wave. Then he sits down, has a hot dog, doodles on a piece of paper and they give him a trophy.Marie: To tell you the truth, I think that Raymond is wasting his life writing sports. I mean, a writer should be writing short stories and poetry.Robbie: Do you think I’m wasting my life?Marie: Well... it’s different with you, dear.[Frank comes down the stairs with a twin in each arm, and Ally following.]Frank: Look who’s up[The kids scream.]------------------------------------------[Robbie is feeding the twins, Ally is running around banging a wooden spoon against a saucepan. She leaps on the sofa next to Marie who is trying to read a magazine. Frank is watching the television. Ray arrives home.]Ally: Hi Daddy.Ray: Oh no, no, no.[Ray drops his coat and takes the beer out of Frank’s hands.]Frank: Hey, I’m trying to watch the game.Ray: Oh, what are you doing everybody? Debra’s gonna be.... Okay, alright, I’m gonna ask you quickly and quietly to move to your nearest exit.Frank: It’s the fourth quarter.Ray: Dad, please buckle up and go.[Frank stands up and begins to do up his trousers and his belt.]Marie: You know, when somebody does you a favour, you’re supposed to say thank you.Ray: Thank you. Thank you Ma and Dad, you’re wonderful grandparents. You’re not evil at all. [passes them their coats.]Frank: [hovering above the twins] Let me just smell their heads once more.Ray: Dad, please. Please Dad.Frank: [Sniffs at their heads] Mmm, it’s the fountain of youth. I’m sucking in that youth.Ray: Now, I’m begging you, I’m begging you, let go of their heads. Let go of their heads. I’ll give you money, do you want the money?Frank: Oh, save your money, I don’t need it. Victoria’s not a secret anymore.[Ray escorts Frank to the door.]Ray: What?Marie: U h, we’ll, we’ll see you Sunday at Debra’s party.Ray: Okay, thanks again, thanks again Ma.Robbie: [the last to leave] Nice trophy.-----------------------------------------[Ray is coming down the stairs as Debra gets home.]Ray: Hey.Debra: Hey.Ray: I was just checking the kids.Debra: Oh, great.Ray: Still sleeping like logs.[Debra notices that the living room is tidy.]Debra: Oh my gosh, look at this place.Ray: [nervous] What?Debra: It’s spotless. You cleaned up for me.Ray: [relieved] Well, you’re not the maid.Debra: [hugs him] Oh Ray, you’re so wonderful. Hey listen, I’m just gonna look at the kids real quick, okay?Ray: Okay.[Debra starts to go up the stairs, and halfway up, she bobs her head to indicate Ray should join her. He follows her, and goes into their bedroom. He takes the excess pillows off the bed.]Ray: Oh, good old sex.[Debra enters. She does not look happy.]Ray: Hi honey.Debra: Uh, Ray.Ray: What?Debra: Why do the boys’ heads smell like Old Spice?Ray: [quietly] What?Debra: Your father was here. Sucking the youth out of their heads again, huh? And your brother was here too. Just found this Fruit Loop on Ma tthew’s chin. Are you gonna tell me what happened here tonight Ray, or do I have to call your parents?Ray: No, no, no, no, please, no, don’t call my parents, no, okay, okay. I put them to sleep and then my mother came over and then I went out with Leo.Debra: What? You left the kids with your mom?Ray: No. My father and brother were here too.Debra: What?Ray: Then I got rid of them. I got rid of them! And then I did some cleaning, huh? You notice the cleaning down there?Debra: Okay, why did they have to be here? What was so important that you had to go out for?Ray: Pizza.Debra: Pizza? Pizza??Ray: Did you see the mess? You should have seen it. They woke the kids up.Debra: What?Ray: [upset he said too much] Ooh, the pizza wasn’t even good.Debra: You told me that you were going to stay and watch the kids.Ray: I know, I know, but...Debra: But what? But what Ray?Ray: I don’t know.Debra: I tell you one thing. Your folks are not coming over on Sunday, that is my birthday and I should be allowed one day of peace without them. And you know what? I want you to call them and tell them that that’s what we want, because they need to get the message that we have our own lives and we’re entitled to a little privacy!Ray: You’re right, you’re right, you’re absolutely right.Debra: So you’ll tell them?Ray: I can’t do that.Debra: What is this hold they have on you? I’m just asking you for me, please, can we celebrate my birthday alone?Ray: I can’t uninvite them.Debra: You can’t. Well then, maybe I won’t be there.[Debra takes a blanket from the bed and turns to leave.]Ray: No, stop it, don’t. Don’t sleep on the couch. [She leaves.] I just clean ed down there!--------------------------------------------[Marie is in her kitchen, when Ray knocks on the door. He is carrying a fork.]Marie: Oh, Raymond! Come in honey.Ray: Hi. Hi ma.Marie: Your brother’s working and your father’s out buying one of those balls for your toilet, so I got the whole house to myself. Is that my large fork?Ray: Yea, yea, that’s why I came by here, I wanted to return this.Marie: Oh, well, I didn’t want to say anything but that happened t o be a very good fork.Ray: I know. That’s why it took so long, I love it. Listen ma, I wanted to talk to you about Debra’s birthday.Marie: Oh-oh, my god, talk about birthdays, your birthday gift to me finally came this morning. Did you know you sent me a box of pears from a place called Fruit of the Month?Ray: Yea. That’s right, that’s right, how are they?Marie: Oh, they’re very nice pears. But there’s so many of them. There are over a dozen pairs. What am I supposed to do with all those pairs?Ray: Well, I think you’re supposed to eat them, ma.Marie: Myself?Ray: You. You and Dad and Robert.Marie: How many pears can Robert eat? Look, I appreciate the thought Raymond but please, don’t ever send us anymore food ag ain, okay? Thanks, thanks darling.Ray: Well, another box is coming next month.Marie: What? More pears?Ray: No, no, it’s a different fruit every month.Marie: Every month?Ray: Yes, that’s why they call it Fruit of the Month Club.Marie: It’s a club? Oh my god, what am I gonna do with all this fruit?Ray: Well, most people like it ma, you share it, share it with all your friends.Marie: Which friends?Ray: I don’t know, Lee and Stan.Marie: Lee and Stan buy their own fruit.Ray: Then give it away.Marie: Why did you do this to me?Ray: Oh ma.Marie: I can’t talk, there’s too much fruit in the house.[Marie goes to another room.]Ray: Oh, what is happening? [calls] I’m sorry ma.[Frank enters.]Frank: Hey Marie. Oh Ray![Marie comes back.]Marie: [to Frank] Do you know the fruit keeps coming month after month? He’s got us in some kind of a cult.Ray: It’s not a cult, ma, it’s a club.Frank: What do you mean month after month? For how long?Ray: A year.Frank: My god, are you out of your mind?Ray: Sorry, I’m so sorry, Dad.Frank: What do you think we are, invalids? We can’t go out and get our own fruit?Marie: I tried to tell him.Ray: Alright!! I’m cancelling the fruit club.Marie: Oh good, thank you Raymond, thank you. And don’t do that again.Frank: Like we don’t have enough problems?Ray: Okay, alright, listen, I gotta talk about the party.Marie: Ooh, the party.Ray: Yes. Yes, listen, I was thinking [sees their faces] uh... there isn’t gonna be a party.Frank: Who’s dead?Ray: Nobody’s dead, Dad, we’re just... we’re not going to have a party.Marie: You gotta have a party, I baked.Ray: Well, we’re not...Marie: I never heard of such a thing.Ray: We’re not having a party because I’m surprising Debra. I’m taking her to [thinks quickly] Bear Mountain.Marie: Bear Mountain?Ray: That’s right. I want to do so mething special for her. This is a surprise, alright? So you can’t go telling her or anything. Alright? So thank you very much, I’m gonna go.Marie: Wait, just one minute now, here, wait. [Gives him a package] It’s a long trip to Bear Mountain, take fruit.Ray: Okay, thanks.[Ray is just leaving when Robert comes through the door.]Ray: Hey.Robert: Hey.[Ray leaves.]Robert: Raymond gets the pears too?-------------------------------------------------------------------[Ray is peering out of his front window. Debra comes down the stairs, excited.]Debra: They all went down for a nap. Over the top this is the best birthday I’ve ever had. [She goes to open the blinds.]Ray: No, no, no, hey, what are you doing?Debra: Just letting in the light.Ray: Yea, it’s still your birthday though, we wanna have a nice cosy birthday. Huh? Isn’t that cosy?Debra: [laughs] I know what you’re up to.Ray: You do?Debra: Yea, come here. Come here. [Beckoning him to the couch.]Ray: Oh, yea, this is what I’m up to.[They sit down. Debra giggles and they start to kiss.]Ray: I thought this only happened on my birthday.Debra: Oh Ray, I’m so glad you set your parents straight, huh?Ray: [Unbuttoning her dress] Me too.Debra: Doesn’t it feel good to be honest with them?Ray: It does, it does feel good. Not as good as this though. You’re 100% right, I don’t know what I was afraid of.[They start making out. Marie, Frank and Robert enter carrying plates of food.]Marie: OhhDebra: [screams] What are you doing here? [buttons up her dress]Marie: What are you doing here?Debra: We live here.Frank: We thought you were at Bear Mountain.Debra: Bear Mountain? Who told you that?All three of them: Raymond.[Debra stares at Raymond in disbelief and disappointment.]Ray: You wanna holster the weapon?[We see that Robert had his gun out. He looks sheepish and puts it away.]Debra: Well?Ray: Okay, I lied. I lied, I lied to everybody. I was trying to make everybody happy.Robert: Nice job.Ray: I shoulda known better. Why did I... Especially with my parents, the only people who treat a box of fruit like it’s plutonium. [Marie looks guilty] I chickened out. I made a mistake, I chickened out. Alright, look, the truth is Debra wanted us to have a day to ourselves. [Off Debra’s look] And me too. Me too. But Debra’s the one. She’s got it, you know, she’s got it v ery hard around here and though she’s never said that to me, I noticed it. Like Dad. [Frank looks up.] Yea, I know you try to be funny, but... like with the twins, maybe you shouldn’t say "Oh, I think littleMatthew has homosexual tendancies." And ma, you can’t be so critical. And if you’re gonna be critical, could you please call before you come over here? Really, so we could be ready for it. Both of ya, could you both call? We have to prepare. There’s bills and receipts we hide and then we chant a little. Now listen, we love you both but this is our house and Debra’s my wife, and if you can’t accept what I’m telling you, well, then you can’t come over here anymore... unless you call first. [The three of them look at the floor.][To Debra] That’s it, I think I did it all.Debra: [Quietly] What? It has nothing to do with me. [She nudges Raymond]Ray: Oh yea, Robert, could you try not to eat near the kids?[Robert visibly shrinks down into his jacket.]Marie: You know, if you just wanted a d ay to yourselves, all you had to do was say so. We’d understand.Frank: Of course we’d understand, what’s not to understand? When did he get so sensitive?[The three of them begin to leave.]Marie: He’s a writer.Robert: [on his way out] Happy birthday.[Ray shuts the door after them.]Ray: Woah, I’m shaking.Debra: Oh, honey, you were great, you were just great. Oh come here, come here.[She pulls him onto the sofa and they begin making out again.]Ray: Maybe you should put on that bustier.[Ally comes down the stairs.]Ally: What are you doing?Ray: Ah. [gets up] Okay, we’ll try again on my birthday.----------------------------------------------------[Ray and Debra are stood looking over the twins in their crib.]Debra: Our boys are pretty cute, huh?Ray: Yeah, they are. Yea, but you know, I just, I hope they stay cute.Debra: What?Ray: Well, see, I been thinking. That’s the danger of identical twins, they’re cute n ow because they’re babies, but when they become adults, even if they’re slightly ugly, that’s gonna be magnified. You know, cause you think, if you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room, that’s no big deal. If you see the same ugliness right behind him, yea, that you’re gonna notice. You’re gonna go "Hey, I didn’t think he was that ugly, until I saw it again."----------------------------------------------------[End]。