英语幽默笑话50篇-1-25

1. Barbers

Barber: Did you have ketchup with your lunch, sir? Customer: No, I didn‘t.

Barber: In that case, I seem to have slipped with the razor.

barber 理发师

ketchup 番茄酱

customer 顾客

case 情形

in that case 那样的话

seem 似乎

slip 滑落

razor 剃刀；刮胡刀

2. Blame It on My Parents Doctor: I can‘t do anything about your condition.

I‘m afraid it‘s hereditary.

Patient: In that case, send the bill to my parents.

blame sth. on sb. 把某事归咎于某人

condition 情形

hereditary 遗传的

patient 病人

bill 帐单

3. Wild Duck

―Waiter, do you have any wild duck?‖

―No, sir. But I can irritate a tame one for you.‖

wild 野生的；狂暴的

irritate 激怒

tame 温驯的；柔顺的

4. worse than That

―Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don‘t think I deserve a zero.‖

―Neither do I. But that‘s the lowest grade I‘m allowed to give.‖

professor 教授

do one’s best尽力

deserve 应得

zero 零

grade 分数

allow 允许

5. Getting Sick

―Y our application says you left your last job because of sickness. Could you explain that, please?‖―Certainly. My boss got sick of me.‖

application 申请书

last 上一个

sickness 疾病

explain 解释

certainly 当然

boss 老板

get sick of 厌恶；厌倦

6. Be Responsible

Employer: In this job we need someone who is responsible. Applicant: I‘m the one you want. On my last job,

every time anything went wrong, they

said I was responsible.

responsible 有责任感的；须负责任的

employer 雇主

applicant 应征者；申请人

last 上一个

go wrong 出毛病

7. Overweight

Patient: It isn‘t possible that I‘m as overweight as you say! Doctor: Maybe you‘d prefer to look at it a different way. According to this chart, you‘re ten

inches too short.

overweight 超重；超重的

prefer 比较喜欢

(in) a different way以不同的方式

according to根据

chart 图表

inch 英寸

short 矮的

8. Sore Eye

―Every time I have a cup of coffee, I get a stabbing pain in my right eye. What shall I do?‖―Take the spoon out of your cup.‖

sore 疼痛的

stabbing 刺痛的

pain 疼痛

stabbing pain 刺痛

spoon 汤匙

9. Loan

John: Lend me fifty.

Jack: I have only forty.

John: Well, then let me have the forty and you can owe me the ten.

loan 借钱；贷款

lend 借（出）

owe 欠

10. Raise

Employee: I‘ve been here for 11 years doing three men‘s work for one man‘s pay. Now I want a raise.

Boss: Well, I can‘t give you a raise, but if you‘ll tell me who the other two men are, I‘ll fire them.

raise 加薪

employee 员工

pay 薪水(= salary)

boss 老板

fire 开除，解雇

11. Loss of V oice

One guy goes to a doctor and says, ―Doctor, my wife has recently lost her voice. What should I do to help her get it back?‖

The doctor replies, ―Try to come home at 3 in the morning!‖

loss 丧失

voice 声音

guy 人；家伙

recently 最近

get back 恢复；找回

reply 回答

12. Paint My House

There was a hooker who met an old man, and said, ―Give me twenty dollars. I‘ll do anything you want.‖

―Okay,‖ he said, taking out a twenty dollar bill. ―Paint my house.‖

paint 油漆

hooker 妓女

bill 纸钞

13. V ery Stupid Robbers

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first one said, ―I hear sirens. Jump!‖

The second one said, ―But we‘re on the 13th floor!‖

The first one screamed back, ―This is no time to be superstitions!‖

stupid 愚笨的

robber 窃贼；强盗

rob 偷取；抢

siren 警报器

jump 跳

floor 楼层

scream 大叫；尖叫

no 绝不是

superstitious 迷信的

14. Excuse for Speeding

A cop pulled a car over on the highway for speeding. When he asked for the driver‘s license, the driver argued, ―Speeding? But officer, I was only trying to keep a safe distance between my car and the car in back of me.‖

excuse 理由；借口

speeding 超速

cop 警察

pull over把（车）停在路边

highway 公路

as for要

license 执照

driver’s license驾照

argue 争辩

distance 距离

in back of 在~后面（= at the back of）

15. Vitamin

―I‘d like some vitamins for my son.‖

?Vitamin A, B or C?‖ asked the pharmacist.

―It doesn‘t matter. He can‘t read yet.‖

vitamin 维他命

pharmacist 药剂师

matter 重要；有关系

read 识字

16. Like Father, Like Son

―When Abraham Lincoln was your age,‖the father told his son, ―he used to walk ten miles every day to get to school.‖

―Really?‖the kid said. ―Well, when he was your age, he was president.‖

Like father, like son.【谚】有其父必有其子。

Abraham Lincoln

亚伯拉罕·林肯（美国第16任总统

used to 以前曾经

mile 英里

kid 小孩

president 总统

17. X Rays

Examining the X rays, the doctor said, ―Not a thing to worry about. Y ou should live to be ninety.‖―But Doctor,‖ the patient said, ―I am ninety.‖

―See? I was right!‖ the doctor said.

ray 光线

X ray X光片

examine 检查

worry about 担心

patient 病人

18. I’ll Take Two

Y oung Woman: Look! Here is a magazine that tells

how to take five years off your face. Old Woman: Good! I‘ll take two of them!

magazine 杂志

take off减去；扣除

take 买下

19. Request Before Death

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

―Have you any last requests?‖asked the chaplain.

―Y es,‖replied the murderer. ―Will you hold my hand?‖

request 请求

murderer 杀人犯

electric 电的

electric chair电椅

be about to即将

execute 处决

chaplain 神父；牧师

hold 握住

20. Noah’s Ark

The four-year-old girl stared at her grandfather for a long time. Then she asked, ―Grandpa, were you on Noah‘s Ark?‖

―Of course not,‖ he answered, chuckling.

―Then how come you didn‘t drown?‖

Noah 诺亚（希伯来人之一族长，上帝命其

制一方舟，以拯救自己、家人，以及

各种动物雌雄各一，脱离大洪水。）ark 方舟

stare 凝视（at）

grandpa 祖父；爷(=grandfather)

chuckle 低声轻笑

How come ~? 为什么~？

drown 淹死；溺水

21. It’s Not That

―May I borrow your record player tonight?‖ a man asked his neighbor.

―Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?‖

―No,‖He answered. ―Tonight I want to have some peace.‖

borrow 借（入）

record 唱片

record player录放机

neighbor 邻居

peace 安静

22. One Hundred Percent Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances of recovery?

Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die of the disease.

Now nine of my patients have already

died of it; you are the tenth!

percent 百分比

chance 可能性；机会

recovery 康复

statistics 统计数字

die of因~（病）而死

disease 疾病

23. Distinguished

Reporter: How did you win the Distinguished Service Cross?

Private: I saved the lives of my entire regiment. Reporter: Wonderful! And how did you do that? Drivate: I shot the cook.

distinguished 杰出的；卓越的

reporter 记者

service 功勋

cross 十字勋章

Distinguished Service Cross十字英勇勋章

private 士兵

save 拯救

entire 整个的

regiment 团

shoot 枪杀（三态变化为：shoot-shot-shot）cook 厨师

24. Glasses

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, ―Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?‖

―Y es, of course,‖ said the doctor.

―Oh! How nice it will be,‖said the patient with joy. ―I have been illiterate for so long.‖

glasses 眼镜

specialist 专科医生；专家

eye specialist眼科医生

test 检查

be able to 能够

patient 病人

with joy高兴地

illiterate 不识字的

25. Blonde

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly said, ―Go ahead, ask me. I know all of them.‖

A friend said, ―OK, what‘s the capital of Wisconsin?‖

The blonde replied, ―Oh, that‘s easy: W.‖

blonde 金发女郎

brag 自夸；吹牛

state （美国的）州

capital 首府；大写字母

go ahead开始

Wisconsin 威斯康辛州（美国中北部的一州，

首府为Madison麦迪逊）

26. Foremen

Two friends were talking about work, when one asked, ―Say, why did the foreman fire you?‖Replied the second, ―Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman.‖

foreman 工头

say 喂

fire 开除

around 在四周

jealous 嫉妒的

27. He Knew Too Much

Boy to mother: ―I‘ve decided to stop studying.‖

―How come?‖ asked the mother.

―I heard on the news that someone was shot dead in Italy because he knew too much.‖

How come?为什么？

shoot 枪杀（三态变化为：short-shot-shot）be shot dead被枪杀身亡

Italy 意大利

28. Modern World Morals

Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

―I didn‘t sleep with my wife before I was married,‖ said one bishop proudly. ―Did you?‖―I do n‘t know,‖ said the other. ―What was her maiden name?‖

morals 道德；品性

bishop 主教

decline 衰落

proudly 骄傲地

maiden 少女的；未婚的

maiden name 未婚前之姓氏；娘家的姓氏

29. Robbed

The teller had just been robbed for the third time by the same man, and the police officer was asking if he had noticed anything specific about the criminal.

―Y es,‖said the teller,‖he seems to be better dressed each time.‖

rob 抢

teller （银行）出纳员

notice 注意到

specific 特殊的

criminal 罪犯

dress 穿衣；打扮

30. Umpires

Satam challenged St. Peter to a baseball game. ―How can you win, Satan?‖asked St. Peter. ―All the famous ballplayers are up here.‖

―How can I lose?‖answered Satan. ―All the umpires are down here.‖

umpire 裁判

Satan 撒旦

Challenge 向~挑战

St. 圣…（为saint [sent]的缩写）St. Peter 圣彼得（帮上帝掌管天堂之人）famous 有名的

ballplayer 球员

lose 输

31. Mama Has Much Hair

Jim: Mama, why doesn‘t papa have any hair? Mother: Because he thinks so much, dear.

Jim: Then why do you have so much hair? Mother: Because…but, go away and do your lesson.

mama 妈妈

hair 头发（为不可数名词）

papa 爸爸

go away走开

lesson 功课

32. Accountant

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

―Doctor, I just can‘t get to sleep at night.‖

―Have you tried counting sheep?‖

―That‘s the problem —I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.‖

accountant 会计师

have a hard time + v – ing很难~；做~有困难

count 算；数

sheep 羊

spend + 时间+ v-ing花（时间）做~

33. How Do You Wang to Die?

A man asked his elderly companion, ―How d you want to die?‖

The friend said, ―Peacefully, in my sleep, like my dad…not screaming like the other four people in the car.‖

elderly 较年长的；老的

companion 同伴；朋友

peacefully 宁静地；安详地

scream 尖叫

34. It Works Well

One businessman asked another, ―Is your advertising getting results?‖

―It sure is,‖ replied his friend. ―Last week we advertised for a night watchman. The next night we were robbed.‖

work 有效

businessman 商人；生意人

advertising 广告

result 效果

advertise 登广告

watchman 看守者；警卫

rob 偷窃；抢劫

35. A Second Language

A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. While the kittens cowered, that cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.

Turning to her kittens, the cat said, ―Y ou see how important it is to know a second language?‖language 语言

kitten 小猫

run into偶然遇到

cower 蜷缩

let out发出

a series of一连串的；连续的

bark （狗的）吠叫声

scare 惊吓

scare away吓跑

important 重要的

36. A Poor Poet

Poet: I hope you‘ve received the little volume of poems I sent you.

Woman: Oh, yes, I have. It‘s very nice. I wonder where I‘ve put it?

Her Son: It‘s under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.

poet 诗人

receive 收到

volume 书本；册

poem 诗

wonder 想知道

steady 稳定的

37. Boxers

During the fight, the boxer swiped the air furiously, but could not hit his opponent.

―How am I doing?‖ he asked his coach at the end of the round.

―Well, if you keep this up,‖ replied the coach, ―he might feel the wind and catch a cold.‖

boxer 拳击手

fight 拳击比赛

swipe 挥臂猛击

furiously 猛烈地

hit 击中

opponent 对手

coach 教练

round （拳赛）一回合

keep up继续；保持

38. Even Worse

―How is business?‖asked Leo, as he walked into his friend‘s dress shop.

―Terrible,‖complained Tom. Business is awful. Y esterday I sold only one dress, and today it‘s even worse.‖―How could it be even worse?‖ asked Leo.

―Today the customer returned the dress she bought yesterday.‖

business 生意

dress 衣服

terrible 很糟的

complain 抱怨

awful 可怕的；糟糕的

customer 顾客

return 退还

39. All Language Spoken

An American arrived at a hotel in France and read the following words on a sign: ―All Languages Spoken Here.‖

He spoke to the manager in English, German and Spanish, but received no answer. At last he asked in French, ―Who speaks all the languages here?‖―The hotel guests,‖ answered the manager.

language 语言

arrive at抵达

following 下列的

sign 告示

manager 经理

German 德语

Spanish 西班牙语

at last最后；终于

French 法语

guest 客人

40. A Burglar

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

―Y ou‘ll get your chance in court,‖said the Desk Sergeant.

―No, no, no!‖said the man. ―I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I‘ve been trying to do that for years!‖

burglar 夜贼

police station警察局

break into 闯入

court 法庭

desk 服务台

sergeant 警官

wake 吵醒

41. All I Have to Do Is Outrun You

Two hunters bedded down at their campfire and were about to fall asleep when a giant bear loomed in front of them.

One hunter rushed to put on his sneakers. The other said, ―What good will that do? Y ou‘ll never outrun that bear.‖

The first one said, ―All I have to do is outrun you!‖

outrun 跑得比~ 快

hunter 猎人

bed down睡觉

campfire 营火

be about to正要

fall asleep睡觉

giant 巨大的

bear 熊

loom （危险、忧虑）阴森地临近

in front of在~ 前面

rush 匆忙

put on穿上

sneakers 运动鞋

do (some) good有好感

All I have to do is +v.我所需要做的就是~

42. They Aren’t Ours

Mrs. Jones had invited some friends for dinner. The appointed time was approaching, and she found her husband removing the umbrellas from the stand.

―What are you doing that for?‖she asked. ―Are you afraid they will be stolen?‖

―No, not that,‖said Jones. ―I‘m afraid they will be recognized.‖

appointed 指定的；约定的

approach 接近

remove 移开；拿走

stand 架子（此指‘伞架’）

steal 偷（三态变化为：steal-stole-stolen）recognize 认出

43. Hunters

First hunter: How do you know you hit that duck? Second hunter: Because I shot him in the foot and

in the head at the same time.

First hunter: How could you possibly hit him in

the foot and head at the same time? Second hunter: He was scratching his head.

hit 打中

duck 鸭子

shoot 射中

at the same time同时

possibly 可能

scratch 搔；抓

44. Are You Going to Dance?

Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat alone in a chair. Just then, she was happy to see a handsome young man coming towards her.

―Are you going to dance?‖ asked the man pleasantly.

―Y es,‖ she whispered.

―Good,‖ he said. ―May I have your seat then?‖

alone 独自地

pleasantly 愉快地

whisper 抵语

seat 座位

45. Walk Two Miles a Day

John was seventy, and he wasn‘t in good shape.

―What you should do,‖said his doctor, ―is walk two miles a day.‖

A week later, the doctor received a call from John. ―Doctor, I walked two miles every day, and I do feel lots better. But I have a new problem.‖―What‘s that?‖ asked the doctor.

―I‘m fourteen miles from home, and I can‘t find my way back.‖

be in good shape身体健康

receive 接到

call 电话

46. A Wake-up Call

The desk clerk asked the newly-arrived guest if he wanted a wake-up call in the morning.

―No, thank you,‖the guest said. ―I always wake up at six on the dot.‖

―Really?‖the clerk said. ―In that case, would you mind giving our operator a call at 6:05?‖

a wake-up call（旅馆的）叫铃服务

desk 柜台

clerk 职员

newly 新近；最近

newly-arrived 刚到的

guest 客人

wake up醒来

on the dot准时

give sb. a call打电话给某人

operator 总机

47. A Matter of Age

A wealthy eighty-four-year-old man married a gorgeous twenty-three-year-old woman.

His friends were very surprised. ―How did you persuade her to marry you?‖ they asked. ―We know you‘re rich, but a girl so bright and young and beautiful?‖―I fool her,‖he smiled and said. ―I told her I was ninety-four.‖

a matter of有关~ 的问题

wealthy 有钱的（=rich）

marry 娶；嫁

gorgeous 非常漂亮的

persuade 说服

bright 活泼的

fool 欺骗

48. Nineteen or Thirty-eight?

A secretary was telling her colleagues about her birthday party.

―Y ou should have seen the cake,‖ she boasted. ―It was marvelous. There were nineteen candles—one for each year.‖

―Nineteen candles?‖ said a colleague surprisingly. ―What did you do, burn them at both ends?‖

secretary 秘书

colleague 同事

boast 自夸

marvelous 很棒的

candle 蜡烛

for 代表

surprisingly 惊讶地

burn 燃烧

end 末端

49. One Dollar

John asked his mother for one dollar.

―What are you doing to do with the money?‖

―I‘m going to give it to a poor old lady,‖he answered.

―Y ou are a good boy,‖ said the mother proudly. ―Here you are. But why are you so interested in the old lady?‖

―She is the one who sells ice cream.‖

do with 用；处理

proudly 骄傲地

Here you are.拿去吧。

interested 有兴趣的

50. The Groom

At a wedding, a little boy looks at his mom and says, ―Mommy, why does the girl wear white?‖His mom replies, ―The bride is in while because she‘s happy and this is the happiest day of her life.‖The boy thinks about this, and then says, ―Well then, why is the groom wearing black?‖

groom 新郎

wedding 婚礼

mom 妈妈

bridge 新娘