英语演讲幽默开场白
新颖的英语演讲主题
英语演讲幽默开场白作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。
当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。
此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
i used to get nervous when giving a speech but then i read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. and so, at this very moment, i’m standing uphere imagining every one in this audience as being naked. and it really works. i no suffer from nervousness. eyestrain. yes幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
幽默搞笑的英语演讲稿
幽默搞笑的英语演讲稿（经典版）编制人：__________________审核人：__________________审批人：__________________编制单位：__________________编制时间：____年____月____日序言下载提示：该文档是本店铺精心编制而成的，希望大家下载后，能够帮助大家解决实际问题。
文档下载后可定制修改，请根据实际需要进行调整和使用，谢谢!并且，本店铺为大家提供各种类型的经典范文，如工作心得、读书心得、个人总结、工作计划、讲话致辞、合同协议、条据书信、规章制度、应急预案、其他范文等等，想了解不同范文格式和写法，敬请关注!Download tips: This document is carefully compiled by this editor. I hope that after you download it, it can help you solve practical problems. The document can be customized and modified after downloading, please adjust and use it according to actual needs, thank you!Moreover, our store provides various types of classic sample articles, such as work experience, reading experience, personal summary, work plan, speech, contract agreement, policy letter, rules and regulations, emergency plan, other sample articles, etc. If you want to learn about different formats and writing methods of sample articles, please pay attention!幽默搞笑的英语演讲稿幽默搞笑的英语演讲稿1Dear teachers and schoolmates:I’m very happy to give a lecture in English here today.The title of speech is I Love English.As everyone knows，English is very important today.It has been used everywhere in the world.It has become the most common language on Internet and for international trade.If we can speak English well，we will have more chance to succeed.Because more and more people have taken notice of it，the number of the people who go to learn English has increased at a high speed.But for myself，I learn English not only because of its importance and its usefulness，but also because of my love for it.When I learn English，I can feel a different way of thinking which gives me more room to touch the world.When I read English novels，I can feel the pleasure from the book which is different from reading the translation.When I speak English，I can feel the confident from my words.When I write English，I can see the beauty which is not the same as our Chinese。
2021年英语演讲稿开场白幽默台词
英语演讲稿开场白幽默台词幽默开场白是很多演讲者经常用到的技巧之一，幽默如果运用得恰当，在吸引听众注意力上能取到很好的`效果。
它有助于缓和现场气氛，使他们愿意继续听你的演讲。
接下来是收集的英语开场白幽默台词，欢迎大家阅读参考。
Some people suffer from stage fright. I don’t. The stage doesn’t bother me at all. It’s the audience that scares the hell out of me!...A TV picture starts with a TV camera. Some TV cameras are big and some are small. The cameras in TV studios are big. Camera operators roll the big cameras around on wheels. There are usually several big cameras in a TV studio. Cameras used outside a TV studio are smaller. TV camera crews take the smaller cameras to news and sports events.Some cameras send out live pictures to your TV set. Some cameras make videotapes that get played later on a television program.All TV cameras need electricity to work. A camera operator points the camera at a scene. The camera picks up light from the scene. It changes this light into anelectric signal called the video signal. A microphone changes the sound of people talking or music playing into an electric signal called the audio signal.People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing) and I ___ them. It has to do with taking a positive but practical view of life. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd...My respected rades, I think when my name Marx Gorky is mentioned here, some measuring modifiers such as "great" "noble" "tall" will be added to it. If we always overemphasize and boast a certain person, we will neglect the achievements others made and the importance of others existing. I wonder if you have ever thought of that. Please believe me. I'm not talking high language on purpose nor amI making myself up. Considering some important reasons, I have to speak so. Say, there are great difference between our ages, but we share the same mother─children of all literature of Soviet Union.Judging the value and the authors' achievements is up to the readers. And menting on a piece of works of literature is up to the critic.模板,内容仅供参考。
英语演讲比赛开场白(合集13篇)
英语演讲比赛开场白(合集13篇)(实用版)编制人：______审核人：______审批人：______编制单位：______编制时间：__年__月__日序言下载提示：该文档是本店铺精心编制而成的，希望大家下载后，能够帮助大家解决实际问题。
文档下载后可定制修改，请根据实际需要进行调整和使用，谢谢!并且，本店铺为大家提供各种类型的实用资料，如工作文档、教学教案、企业文案、求职面试、实习范文、法律文书、演讲发言、范文模板、作文大全、其他资料等等，想了解不同资料格式和写法，敬请关注!Download tips: This document is carefully compiled by this editor.I hope that after you download it, it can help you solve practical problems. The document can be customized and modified after downloading, please adjust and use it according to actual needs, thank you!And, our store provides various types of practical materials for everyone, such as work summaries, work plans, experiences, job reports, work reports, resignation reports, contract templates, speeches, lesson plans, other materials, etc. If you want to learn about different data formats and writing methods, please pay attention!英语演讲比赛开场白(合集13篇)(简介)下面是本店铺帮大家整理的英语演讲比赛开场白(共13篇)希望对大家的学习与工作有所帮助。
自我介绍开场白简短幽默英语
自我介绍开场白简短幽默英语It's challenging to craft a 1800-word self-introduction that's both brief and humorous, as those qualities often contradict the length requirement. However, I can provide you with a shorter, humorous self-introduction in English that you can expand upon if needed. Here's an example:Hello everyone, and welcome to the most extraordinary show on Earth – the one and only me! My name is [Your Name], a walking, talking paradox wrapped in an enigma, smothered in a mystery, and served with a side of humor. I'm a [Your Profession or Major], which basically means I'm paid to [describe what you do in a funny or witty way].Now, before you get too excited, let me clarify that I'm not here to save the world or solve your deepest existential crises (unless you're offering a good price). I'm just a regular guy/gal with an irregular sense of humor and a knack for turning life's lemons into lemonade – or maybe just a really sour cocktail, depending on the day. Speaking of days, I'm a firm believer in seizing the day – or as I like to call it, "carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe everything in between!" I love to [list some of your hobbies or interests in a humorous way], and I'm always up for a good adventure, as long as it doesn't involve spiders or heights (I'm arachnophobic and acrophobic, in case you were wondering).So there you have it – a snapshot of the weird and wonderful world that is me. Stick around, and I'm sure you'll find plenty more to laugh at (or with, depending on your sense of humor). After all, life's too short not to have fun, right?Now, to expand this into a longer self-introduction while maintaining the humorous tone and incorporating more complex sentence structures and professional vocabulary, you could add additional paragraphs about your work experience, education, personal goals, and even your quirks or pet peeves. Here's an extended version that builds upon the initial introduction:Hello, fellow travelers of the universe! Prepare to be amazed, astounded, and possibly amused by the one and only [Your Name]. I stand before you today not just as a mere mortal, but as a [Your Profession or Major] extraordinaire!In the realm of [Your Field or Industry], I have ventured where few dare to tread. Armed with my trusty [Tools or Skills of Your Trade], I have tackled projects that would make even the most seasoned veteran quake in their boots. From [specific project or experience] to [another specific project or experience], I have left no stone unturned in my quest to conquer the insurmountable and make the impossible, possible.But enough about my professional conquests. Let's talk about the real me – the one who loves to [describe a hobby or interest in a humorous way]. Whether it's [another hobby or interest] or simply [something you enjoy doing for fun], I approach life with the same gusto and determination that I bring to my work. After all, what'sthe point of being serious all the time? Life is meant to be enjoyed, laughed at, and celebrated!Speaking of celebration, I am a firm believer in the power of positive thinking and the importance of finding joy in even the smallest moments. Whether it's cracking a joke to lighten the mood or simply finding the humor in everyday situations, I strive to bring a little bit of sunshine into the lives of those around me. Now, if you're wondering what my secret to success is, I'll let you in on a little secret: it's having a good sense of humor and an even better sense of self-awareness.I know my strengths, I embrace my weaknesses, and I'm always ready to laugh at myself – because if you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?So there you have it – a (slightly) extended version of the weird and wonderful world that is me. I hope you've enjoyed this little peek into my life and that we can share some laughs (and maybe even a few serious moments) together in the future. After all, as the great philosopher once said, "A day without laughter is a day wasted." And I, for one, am not about to waste a single day!Remember, this is just a template, and you can customize it to fit your unique personality and experiences. Feel free to add your own anecdotes, jokes, and personal flare to make it truly your own.。
小学英文讲故事开场白
小学英文讲故事开场白小学英语自我介绍幽默开场白小学六年级英语自我介绍一：hello,everyone,it's my honor to stand here introducing myself.大家好，很高兴有机会在这里介绍我自己。
My name is xxx,from Class 2,Grade six,xxxx Primary School.我是xxx，xx小学六年级2班的学生。
I'm doing well in my study,besides I'm the monitor of my class and I get on well with my classmates.我学习成绩优秀，是班上的班长并且我和同学们相处很融洽。
I'm a happy and talented girl.I'm good at drawing and many of my drawings have won prizes.At the same time,I like telling stories.我是一个开朗又多才多艺的女孩，画画是我最擅长的，曾多次或奖。
同时我还很会讲故事。
I'm interested in learning very much,and I believe that I will do well in future.I won't let you down!我很喜欢学习英语，我相信我会表现的出色，我不会让大家失望的。
Thanks for your listening.谢谢你们的聆听。
小学六年级英语自我介绍二：Hello,everybody.大家好My name's().我的名字叫()I'm in Class()Grade six of()school.我在()学校6年级()班级I'm tall(short).I'm()centimeters.我很高(矮)，我()厘米。
英语演讲幽默开场白（HumorinEnglishspeech）
英语演讲幽默开场白（Humor in English speech）Humorous speech -- ridicule oneself (Chinese English comparison)How does the speaker laugh at himself?As a speaker, I got two complaints from the audience: one was that I spoke so loudly that they couldn't sleep; the second was that I talked too long, and they couldn't keep awake.As a speaker, I 've only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can' t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can 't stay awake.Innovative sentence: you or sleep, or not sleep, as long as not snoring, I will continue to speak.As a speaker, his speech and Lincoln's speech for Columbia Petersburg a famous speech [] comparison. At the end of his speech, there were sorrow, tears and grief - especially the planning committee.As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech there is, also sorrow, tears and mourning especially by the program committee..Humor commentary: the speaker spoke so badly that the organizers cried very sadly.At the end, the host thank you from the busy schedule time out- you keep cool, gracefully nodding and smiling, knew the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program and you nod and smile - graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.Humor notes: some retired cadres have nothing to do after retirement, someone asks him to take part in some activities, and he pretends to be busy, and seems to push a lot of things to catch up.I used to be nervous when I was speaking, but then I saw a message saying that if you imagine all the audience is naked, it will help. At this moment, I stood here and imagined that the audience was naked. It worked really well. I wasn't nervous anymore, but my eyes were tired.I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so at this, very moment, I m standing up here imagining "every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Yes.Humor note: think of the audience as naked, meaning I'm not afraid of you, not nervous.Most people are a little nervous when they stand on the platform.I belong to a small group. I am very nervous.I'm not conceited myself - I can't tell you how much I admire my point.Personally, I have never been conceited - and I can 't tell you how much I admire myself for that.Humorous sentence: he becomes very proud of himself because he is not conceited.I don't have any conceit. I hope others see me like that.I'll speak in simple English, and then I'll translate it to the lawyer.Let me put this into plain English. I 'll translate it for the lawyers later.Humorous remarks: lawyers always like to use complicated language, and they can not understand simple words.Innovative sentences: there are three versions of my speech, primary school version, middle school version, college version, do you listen to an elementary school age edition, or the two age version of primary school?If you've heard the story, please don't interrupt me. I know this story.If you 've already heard this story, please don' t stop me because it 's the only one I know.Humor note: you know two stories, and you can tell them before you tell them.I tell a joke, if you have heard of, also want to pretend not to hear, so I take care of you.Speaking is like watering the lawn. If 1/4 of the water gets in, you'll be satisfied.Making a speech is like watering a lawn. You 're satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.Humor notes: some people snore, some people speak, are normal, 1/4 of the audience listen to the good.We had something in common at the beginning of the speech. You don't know what I'm going to say - I don't know.At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. You don 't know what I' m going to say - and neither do I.Humorous sentences: the beginning of an impromptu speech.I don't know if you'll like my speech. I don't know what I'm going to talk about.Before I start, I want to tell you that the following speech has been edited as a TV show, and I'm going to talk less for 20 minutes, and we'll be able to get home and watch 2 shows.Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the on game channelHumor notes: put on the scene and watch home on tv.Some of you may know me tonight there for a couple of reasons here: the first reason is your program committee has been looking for a smart, funny, sophisticated in trying to find their speaker. The second reason was that the man was ill, so he called me.As some of you may know I appearing here tonight for two m very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was trying to find a speaker who 's intelligent, entertaining sophisticated, and they did. The second - reason is, he got sick so they called me.Humor notes: at first it was like saying that you were very cow, but it was actually a temporary substitute.I think my speech is funny, but why doesn't anyone laugh?Some people have stage fright, I don't have it; the stage isn't going to happen; I'm the audience who scared me to death!Some people suffer from stage fright. I don 't. The stage doesn' t bother me at all. It 's the audience that scares the hell out of me!Humor commentary: stage fright stage fright, not stage fright me.Each of us wants to be able to turn the clock back at some point. If I could dial the clock back for 45 minutes, I was the happiest person in the room, and I left my speech on the kitchen table.At one time or another, I think each of us has wished we could turn back the clock. I know if I could turn back the clock just 45 minutes, I d be the happiest person "in this room. Because that s when I left my" speech on the kitchen table.Note: before his humorous speech is still practiced hard at home, I hope the audience inclusion.I didn't want to brag, but when I spoke last time, all the audience stood up and they never sat down,Until they get to their car.I don 't want to brag, but the last time I did this it brought the audience to its cars. feet. And they never sat down again until they reached theirHumor note: the audience listened to his speech and stood up and walked away. He was still boasting.I spoke with a gentle pace meanders, the audience slept soundly.If I'm a little hesitant, you have to forgive me, this is my first time after dinner speech - selling, except when Laurieyelled at me.If I 'm a little hesitant, you' ll have to excuse me. This is the first after-dinner I speech 've ever made ---except for yelling at my kids in McDonald' s.Humor notes: self deprecating speech has little experience.You may know that I have developed the habit of speaking after dinner.I'm not used to speaking to so many audiences, and one of the things that gives me courage is that I'm talking about my favorite subject - me.I 'm not used to speaking to me. such a large audience. The one thing that gives me courage is that I' m speaking on my favorite subject -Humor note: TV always invites celebrities to talk about themselves there, and these people can begin to say that.People always ask me why I wear a 10 Gallon red hat (or some other very showy clothes), and I tell them that it's my positive attitude towards life. I know that no matter what happens, the good God is always watching us. Now, there are 6 billion people on earth, and I hope God can pick me out from all mortal beings.People always ask me why I wear a big red ten gallon hat (or some other very noticeable article of clothing and tell them. It) I has to do with taking a positive but practical view oflife. For instance, I know that no matter what happens, the good Lord is watching over us. Then again, there are now six billion of us, so I want to make darn sure He can pick me out of the crowd.Humor note: what a novel idea, a green hat, that wants to attract God's attention.Don't tell lies again, while God has not paid attention to you.If you allow me to prepare to read my lecture, I have three reasons: first, I have very poor memory - two other reasons that I can't remember.With your permission, I 'm going to read this paper. I' m going to read it for three reasons: one, I have a very poor memory - and the other two I can 't remember.Humorous notes: a good excuse for forgetting words.I have a bad memory. I forgot to bring the lecture.Needless words are the bane of great speeches. Let me repeat them...Unnecessary words are the bane of good speeches. Let me repeat that...Humor notes: this time repetition brings good results.Innovation sentence: the most taboo speech repetition, I sayagain: never repeat.Sometimes it's really confusing. You see the representative raise his arm, but you can't be sure whether he's voting by conscience or checking his arthritis.It did get a little confusing at times. If you saw a delegate raising his arm, you could never be quite sure if he was voting his arthritis. conscience or testing hisHumor note: someone who raises his arm doesn't necessarily mean to choose you.I'm sure I'll raise my hand if I don't have arthritis.I'm sorry, (pulling a note from your wallet, like a handkerchief, sneezing on it, and throwing it away), if you say what I hate, that's show off.Excuse me. (Pull a bill from your wallet, handle it as you would a handkerchief, sneeze and then throw the bill away and say) If there 's one I hate ostentation.Humor commentary: show off, rich people have ostentatious capital.Creative sentence: I don't want to show off. Learned people don't like to show off.As you all know, in the company, I only ask employees three things: honesty, integrity and idolatry.As you know, in all these years with the company, I have only asked for three things from my staff: honesty, integrity and idolatry.Ask for a short point, suitable for students within 5 minutesMy dreamHello everyone! It is my great pleasure to share my dream you with today.My dream is to become a teacher.You know being a teacher is a thing that is very valuable and very interesting. I suggest that it must be a great fun to be with children all the day. and if I am a teacher, I can teach my students a lot of knowledge. they might become stronger and cleverer because of me. that is a very contented feeling.China is a developing country. Chinese are not that excellent in their intellegent. so teachers in China might be very very important. they can provide the society with a lot of successful people, and make China a better place.Do, you, think, that, I, have, a, good, dream? I will work hard to make my dream become true!Thanks~My dreamHello, everybody! It's my pleasure to share my dreams with you today.My dream is to become a teacher.You know, as a teacher, it's a thing, and it's very valuable, very interesting. I think it has to be a great pleasure to have with all children. If I were a teacher, I could teach my students a lot of knowledge. They may become strong and smart because of me. It's a very satisfying feeling.China is a developing country. Chinese people are not excellent, in their intelligence. So teachers in China may be very, very important. They can provide many successful people in society and make China a better place.You think I have a great dream, and I will work hard to make my dream come true!。
英语演讲幽默开场白（精选12篇）
英语演讲幽默开场白（精选12篇）英语演讲幽默篇1Failure is what often happens.it is everywhere in your life.students may fail in exams, science may fail in their researchwork,and athletes may fail in competitions.Although failure happens to everyone, attitudes towards failure are various. some people don't think their failure is a very important thing at all. so they pay no attention to it. as a result, they will have the same failure a previously later.they spend their thime and energy on useless things and they may really be fools as they have thought.英语演讲幽默开场白篇2- the subject of my presentation is...- I shall be speaking today about...- My presentation concerns...- Today’s topic is...- Today we are here to give a presentation on...- Today we are here to talk about...Before we start, I’d like you meet my team members...- A brief look at today’s agenda...(告诉听众所讲内容的先后顺序)- Before we start our presentation, let’s take a brief look at the agenda...- I shall be offering a brief analysis of...- the main area that I intend to cover in this presentation is...- Take a moment and think of...- Thank you for giving me the opportunity to tell you about... 英语演讲幽默开场白篇3The opening of a speech is one of its two most importantparts. There are many great ways to begin, and for each great beginning, there is an equally awful opening. So in today's newsletter, we will look at five awful ways to begin a speech, and counter them with 10 great ways to begin instead.Here are five awful ways to begin a speech:英语演讲幽默开场白篇4Good morning. Ladies and gentlemen. Life has its ups and downs. I bet everyone here has gone through success and failures, am I right? Therefore, what's your understanding of success and failure? What do you think is the biggest success in one's life? , can you share your idea with us?英语演讲幽默开场白篇51.开头：Good morning everybody!It's my honor to speak here,and I am very glad to share my topic with you. Then today I'd like to talk something about......（大家早上好！能在这里做此次演讲我十分荣幸，也很高兴能跟大家一起分享我的主题，今天我想演讲的是......）结尾：OK,thank you for listening,that's all.（好了，谢谢各位的聆听，我的演讲结束了。
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英语演讲幽默开场白
作为一个演讲者，我从观众那只得到过两种抱怨：一种是我讲话声音太大了，他们无法入睡；第二种是我讲得时间太长了，他们无法一直清醒。
As a speaker, I’ve only had two complaints from audiences. One, that I talk so loud they can’t fall asleep. And two, that I talk so long they can’t stay awake.
创新句子：你们或者睡觉，或者不睡，只要不打呼噜，我就接着讲。
作为一个讲演者，他的演讲总拿来和林肯的哥得堡演讲[一个著名的演讲]相比较。
当他演讲结束时，也有悲伤、眼泪和悲痛——特别是计划委员会。
As a speaker, he has often been compared to Abraham Lincoln delivering the Gettysburg Address. When he finishes his speech, there is also sorrow, tears and mourning ---- especially by the program committee.
幽默注释：演讲者讲得太糟糕了，组织者哭得很伤心。
演讲结束时，宴会主人感谢你从繁忙的日程中抽出时间来——你泰然自若，优雅地点头微笑着，心里非常清楚你日历上唯一的事情就是就早餐后喝点咖啡Poise is when you finish your speech and the toastmaster thanks you for taking time out of your busy schedule to be a part of their program --- and you nod and smile graciously knowing full well that the only thing on your calendar is a little coffee from breakfast.
幽默注释：一些老干部退休后没什么事干，有人请他参加一些活动，他还假装很忙，好象推开了很多事才赶去似的。
过去我演讲时常常会比较紧张，但那时我看到一条信息说如果你想象所有的观众都是裸体会有所帮助。
此时此刻，我站在这里想象着观众都是裸体，真的起作用，我不再紧张了，但眼睛有些疲劳。
I used to get nervous when giving a speech but then I read that it helps to think of the entire audience as being naked. And so, at this very mo ment, I’m standing up here imagining every one in this audience as being naked. And it really works. I no suffer from nervousness. Eyestrain. Y es
幽默注释：把观众想象成裸体，意思是我不怕你们，就不紧张了。
创新句子：大部分人站在讲台上都会有点儿紧张，我属于少部分人，我非常
紧张。
我本人不自负——我简直不能告诉你们我是多么钦佩我这一点。
Personally, I have never been conceited --- and I can’t tell you how much I admire myself for that.
幽默句子：他因为自己不自负，所以变得非常骄傲。
创新句子：我一点儿都不自负，我希望别人也这么看我.
我先用简单明了的英语演讲，以后我再翻译给律师听。
Let me put this into pl ain English. I’ll translate it for the lawyers later.
幽默注释：律师总喜欢用复杂的语言，简单的话都听不懂了。
创新句子：我的讲话有三个版本，小学生版本，中学生版本，大学生版本，你是听小学一年纪版的，还是小学二年纪版的？
如果你听过这个故事，请不要打断我，我就知道这一个故事。
If you’ve already heard this story, please don’t stop me because it’s the only one I know.
幽默注释：就是你知道两个故事，讲故事前也可以这么说。
创新句子：我讲个笑话，如果你们听过，也希望装做没听过，我也这样照顾你们。
演讲就象给草坪浇水，如果有四分之一的水渗下去你就满意了。
Making a speech is like watering a lawn. Y ou’re satisfied if just a quarter of it sinks in.
幽默注释：有人打呼噜，有人说话，都是正常的，有四分之一观众听就不错了。
演讲开始时我们有一些共同点，你们不知道我要讲什么——我也不知道。
At the very start, let me just say that we both have something in common. Y ou don’t know what I’m going to say --- and neither do I.
幽默句子：即兴演讲的开场白。
创新句子：我不知道你们会不会喜欢我的演讲，我不知道我要讲点儿什么开始前我想告诉你们下面的演讲已经编辑成了电视节目，我现在少讲20分钟，我们能够及时赶回家看2台的节目。
Before I begin, I want you to know that the following speech has been edited for
television. I cut 20 minutes out of it so we could all get home in time for the game on channel 2.
幽默注释：放着现场不看，偏要回家在电视上看。
可能你们有些人知道我今晚出现在这里有两个原因：第一个原因是你们的计划委员会一直在设法寻找一个聪明、有趣、老练的演讲者，——他们找到了。
第二个原因是那个人病了，所以就打电话把我找来了。
As some of you may know, I’m appearing here tonight for two very good reasons. The first reason is your Program Committee was tr ying to find a speaker who’s intelligent, entertaining, sophisticated --- and they did. The second reason is, he got sick so they called me.
幽默注释：一开始好象在说自己很牛，其实就是个临时替场。
创新句子：我认为我演讲很风趣，可为什么没人笑呢？。