黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释
黄西美国talk show
Good evening everyone, my name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as Who?, which is actually my mother's maiden name and the answer to my credit card security question.But joking aside I just want to reassure everybody that I AM invited here tonight.[refer to the Salahis crashing a white house party]I came to the United States in, when I was twenty four to study at Rice University in Texas. That wasn't a joke, until now.And I was driving this used car that had a lot of bump stickers that were impossible to peel off. One of them said "If you don't speak English, go home". And I didn't know this for two years.And like many other immigrants, we all want our son to the become the president of this country and we are trying to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home, English in the public, which is really tough to do because many times I have to say to him in public, "hey, listen, if you don't speakEnglish, go home." And he would say to me, "hey dad, why do I have to learn two languages?" I said，"son, once you become the president of the United State,you are gonna have to sign the legislative bills in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese."When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the United Statesbecause in China, I can't do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a US citizen, I had to take these American history lessons, where they ask us questions like "Who is Benjamin Franklin?" I was like "Ah , the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" [Franklin is on $100 bill]"What is the second amendment?" I was like "Ah, the reason our convenience store gets robbed?" [The second amendment grants right to own firearms] "What is Roe versus Wade?" I was like "Ah, two ways of coming to the United States?" [Roe v. Wade legalize abortion in US, which everyone in the audience knows. Illegal immigrants come to US either by rowing a boat or wading thru a river.] Later on, I read so much about American history that Istarted to harbor white guilt.[Obviously he is not white and should not feel guilty.]I am honored to meet Vice president Joe Biden here tonight.I actually read your autobiography.And today I see you. I think the book is much better.They should have [not very clear] Brad Pitt, or even Angelina Jolie. So to be honest, I was really honored to be here tonight and I prepared for months for tonight show and I [not very clear] the white house and [not very clear] by President Obama, that was when he decided not to come.And he started to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Steven Colbert. [a liberal comedian always faking a conservative]And President Obama has always been accused of being too soft. But he was conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace prize. And he accepted it. You can't be more badass than that. Well actually, I am thinking the only way you can be more badass than that is if you take thenobel peace prize money and give it to the military.We have many distinguished journalists here, whom I consider as my peers because I used to write for campus newspaper.I think journalism is the last refuge for punks. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born in the year of the horse, that is why I am a naysayer." [poking fun at mediafor relating things that have no causality] My point exactly.And tonight is my first time on C-span, which is a channel I obviously always watch when I couldn't stand the sensationalism and demagogury of PBS and QVC [Public Broadcasting Service famous for subjectivity but hated by conservatives, QVC television shopping channel] If I still couldn't fallasleep after watching C-span, there is C-span 2 and C-span 3. [C-span channels broadcast boring congressional debates, etc.] Thank you verymuch.So I became a US citizen in 2008, which I am really happy about.Thank you very much. America is number one. That is true because we won the World Series every year. [WS played between US baseball teams so US always wins. Great joke]After becoming a US citizen, I immediately registered vote for Obama/Biden. Thank you very much. You had me at "Yes we can". That was a slogan. So after getting Obama/Biden elected, I felt this power trip. And I started to think maybe I should run for president myself. Well I have take a step back and explain a bit. You know,cause I had always been a morose and pessimistic guy. I felt that life is kind of like peeing into the snow in a dark winter night. You've probably made a difference but it is really hard to tell. [best joke of the night]. But now we have a president who is half black and half white. It just gives me a lot of hope. Because I am half not black, half not white. Two negatives make a positive.。
开讲啦黄西演讲稿：不完美,怎么了？
开讲啦黄西演讲稿：不完美，怎么了？开讲啦黄西演讲稿：不完美，怎么了？大家好：我是黄西，黄瓜的黄，西瓜的西，我今天讲演的主题叫做“不完美,怎么了”。
首先声明这个主题不是和我相貌有关的，尽管我长相非常适合这个主题。
我去美国的时候是学的生物化学，我当时做实验比较努力，而且读了很多文献，但是在有一次开小组讨论会的时候，我有个自己的想法，但我怕我表达的能力不太好，所以就没讲出来，我就把我的想法给坐我这边一个美国同学讲了一下，结果这个美国同学把手举起来，把我的想法讲出来了，他还被教授表扬了一顿。
所以就不要太在乎自己英语的口音这方面的问题，只要有好的想法，一定要表达出来，不完美怎么了是一个态度，不应该是个目标。
如果不完美是个目标的话，我早就功成名就了。
但我们应该怎样面对不完美呢，我觉得从心态上来讲，幽默是面对人生不完美的最好的办法。
不管你现在的状况多么困难，你总是有个选择，你是哭还是笑，你笑，这个世界就会和你一起笑。
如果我们能用一种积极主动的态度来面对不完美的时候，我们有可能有一些意想不到的收获。
我在搞科研的时候，有一次我做了一个星期的实验，那时候每天都要往二百到四百只非常小的青蛙卵里边注射DNA，然后每天晚上在床上躺着，一闭眼睛，看见的全都是青蛙卵，后来为了出于自娱自乐，我就在那校报上写了一篇文章，有很多人看了文章以后跟我讲，“祝贺你，你还挺有幽默感的。
”这是我第一次发现美国人也能理解我的幽默感，然后过了两年以后我也开始自己去单口秀俱乐部表演。
开始的时候有很多俱乐部老板对新手也特别粗暴，我记得我有一次给一个老板打电话，我说能不能给我演出机会，他马上跟我讲，“你过一个小时再打来”，他就把电话撂下了，然后我等过了一个小时以后又打，他接了电话就冲我喊，“你是个什么东西，你是块手表吗？！”在美国很多单口秀俱乐部老板要求如果你是个新手的话，你必须自带两名观众才能上台表演。
我当时在波士顿是举目无亲，为了争取演出的机会，有时候我在外边冒着大雪就问过往的行人，我说你想不想看单口秀，如果他们说想看的话，我就说你能不能进去告诉那个老板，说你是来看我的。
黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿.docx
黄西美国记者年会上的脱口秀演讲稿Goodevening, everyone. My nameis Joe Wong. But to most people, I amknownand the answer as "Who?" "Hu" is actually my mother's maiden name, tomy credit card security question.各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。
但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁” ?Who（同音“ Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。
（这里是隐指Salah 夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）I grew up in China. Who wouldn't?我在中国长大。
谁不是呢？（这是用自己的自大讽刺美国人的自大）As my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.WhenI was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I have to work at a ricepaddy, right next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. And that iswhere I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as aflying rock.而我童年的所有记忆都被我的童年给毁了。
黄西在2010全美电台电视记者协会年会晚宴上的演说全文
We have many distinguished journalists here tonight, whom I consider as my peers. (laughter) because I used to write for campus newspaper. (laughter) I think journalism is the last refugee for puns. Only on the newspaper can you say things like "I was born in the year of horse and that is why I'm a naysayer" (laughter) my point exactly.
黄西在美国白宫记者年会上的脱口秀整理稿
各位晚上好，我是Joe Wong（黄西）。但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”?Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
But joking aside, I just want to reassure everybody that I am invited here tonight.
And I was driving that a used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, "If you don't speak English, go home!" And I didn't notice it for two years.
“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）
What is Roe vs Wade? We were like, "Ahh& , two ways of coming to the Unite States?"
我在男人健康杂志里看到，奥巴马总统每周有两次有氧锻炼，四次举重锻炼。你们看，我根本不需要锻炼，因为我有健康保险。（这里说医保体系给人慵懒意识）
I live inMassachusettsnow, where we had universal healthcare then we elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed messages! I think there was a movie about him. It's called "Kill Bill"
黄西脱口秀台词
黄西脱口秀台词1、“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）2、各位晚上好，我是JoeWong（黄西）。
但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”？Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
3、奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。
但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。
而他也竟然接受了。
怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情。
嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。
4、“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）5、我相信人应该早睡早起，利用早晨的时间多做一些有意义的事情，比如睡个回笼觉6、但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。
（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）7、我相信健康的心态是快乐的基础，所以我从不体检 ()8、我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。
其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。
（，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。
9、我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。
如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。
我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。
我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。
“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。
黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释（五篇范例）
黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释（五篇范例）第一篇：黄西Joe_Wong美国记者年会演讲原文及注释My name is Joe Wong.But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。
I grew up in China.Who didn’t?我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。
Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood.When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks.That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。
黄西脱口秀台词
黄西脱口秀台词黄西脱口秀台词1、“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）2、各位晚上好，我是JoeWong（黄西）。
但是对很多人来说，听到我的名字，会问“谁”？Who（同音“Hu”）恰恰是我妈的娘家姓，也是我信用卡安全问题的答案。
3、奥巴马总统经常被指责为过于软弱。
但是他正指挥着两场战争，并且他们还是授予他诺贝尔和平奖。
而他也竟然接受了。
怎么可能有比这更操蛋的事情。
嗯，其实，我想，唯一可能比这个更操蛋的，就是你接受了诺贝尔和平奖的奖金，然后把它们送给军队。
4、“什么是第二修正案？”我就想：“呃，莫非就是我们便利店遭到抢劫的原因？”（第二修正案保障了人民的持枪权利）5、我相信人应该早睡早起，利用早晨的时间多做一些有意义的事情，比如睡个回笼觉6、但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。
（这里是隐指Salah夫妇闯入白宫欢迎晚宴的新闻）7、我相信健康的心态是快乐的基础，所以我从不体检 ()8、我当时开了辆二手车，保险杠上贴了好多贴纸（就类似我们的“熊出没注意”那种），贴的很牢，就根本不可能撕下来。
其中一张写着“如果你不说英文，就滚回家去”。
（，这句话有歧视外来移民的意味）而我两年后才看到它。
9、我认为，单边主义代价太高，公开对话又效率太低。
如果我当选，我会选择“发短信”。
我会发给我的盟友，仅仅打着招呼。
我会在敌人开车的时侯给他们发短信。
“天呐！听说你在造核武器？但是你们的做法是不对的！哈哈哈哈。
OMG和LOL都是短信流行用语, OMG是Oh My God, LOL是Laugh Out Loud）。
10、成为美国公民之后，我立刻就登记了大选，并投给了奥巴马和拜登。
（他回头看着拜登，对拜登说）不用谢。
你们的口号“猜想我们可以”征服了我。
这是他们的口号。
（此处故意将“YesWeCan”混淆成了“GuessWeCan”。
）11、但是玩笑归玩笑，我想让大家放心我今晚的确是受到邀请来的。
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My name is Joe Wong. But to most people, I am known as “Who?” which is actually my mother’s maiden name, and the answer to my credit card security question.开场先是自嘲下自己默默无闻不为所知，然后利用中英文谐音，再联系到信用卡密码保护，因为网上注册时选择用于取回密码的验证问题里，最常见的就是妈妈的姓氏是什么。
Joking aside, I want to reassure you that I am invited here tonight.因为前一阵子白宫举行一个活动，美国一对夫妻混过白宫层层保安，装作是白宫邀请的贵宾，还跟这些政客合影留念并发到网上，其中就有坐在边上的副总统Joe Biden，被曝光后，在美国引起很大争议，白宫的安保问题被质疑。
I grew up in China. Who didn’t?我在中国长大，谁不是呢？装作无知，认为每个人都是中国人，暗讽了一些美国人的自大，以为世界就是美国。
Most of my childhood memories are totally ruined by my childhood. When I was in elementary school, as part of the curriculum, I worked at a rice paddy next to a quarry where they use explosives to break rocks. That’s where I learned that light travels faster than sound, which is almost as slow as a flying rock.主要是用生动而夸张的语言形容小时候生活环境的恶劣，光速比声速快，后者跟石头飞散的速度差不多，就是远处一道闪光，几秒后隆隆爆炸声伴着小石子飞溅过来。
My dad was a grumpy guy. But occasionally he tried to cheer me up with jokes. But he doesn’t do it right.When I was 7 he said to me, “Son, why is tofu better than centralized socia list economy?” 5 minutes later, I said, “Why?” He said, “Because I said so!”形容父亲脾气暴躁，毫无逻辑，颐指气使。
5分钟后是笑点，如此荒谬的问题还想了那么久。
这两段就是夸张描述下自己的童年，因为跟美国人的经历完全不同，观众会因为新鲜荒谬而发笑。
I came to the United States when I was 24 to study at Rice University in Texas, that wasn’t a joke, until now. I was driving this used car with a lot of bumper stickers that are impossible to peel off. And one of them said, “If you don’t speak English, go home!” And I didn’t notice it for two years.that wasn’t a joke, until now.这句是临场发挥，效果很好。
bumper sticker这个牌子的内容和所用的语言本身就是很一个矛盾。
And like many other immigrants, We always wanted my son to become thepresident of this country. We try to make him bilingual, you know, Chinese at home and English outside in public. Which is really a tough to do because many times.Sometimes I had to say to him in public, “If you don’t speak English, go home??” He said to me, “hi, dad, Why do I have to learn two languages?” I said, “When you become the president of United States, you will have to sign legislative bil ls in English, and talk to debt collectors in Chinese!”此处用到了刚才sticker上的话；委婉表达了中国是美国的债权国。
When I graduated from Rice, I decided to stay in the US because in China I can’t do the thing I do best here, being ethnic. And in order for me to become a citizen, I had to take those American history lessons where they ask questions like: Who’s Benjamin Franklin? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What’s the second Amendment? We were like, “Ahh.., the reason our convenient store gets robbed?” What is Roe vs Wade? We went, “Ahh…, two ways of coming to the United States?”我在中国有件事肯定不如在美国，那就是民族性。
用同一个答案回答了两个美国历史问题，非常有笑果，用移民的角度“误解”美国的著名堕胎案判例，是一般美国人无法想象的视角。
Later I read a lot about American history. So much so that I started to feel white guilt.In America, all men are created equal, but after birth, it depends on their paren ts’ income for early education and healthcare.这段看上去很诡异，作为一个黄色人种，怎么会有这种优越感，去产生white guilt，实际上在为后面跟总统比做铺垫。
I read on Men’s Health magazine that president Obama every week has two cardio days and 4 weight lifting days. I don’t have to exercise because I have health insurance. I live in Massachusetts where we had universal healthcare and then elected Scott Brown. Talk about mixed message! I think there was a movie about him. It’s called “Kill Bill”这段是一种很微妙的搞笑，如果奥巴马那天不是临时有事，在边上坐着的话会很有意思。
kill bill的bill不是指克林顿，应该指法案。
Scott Brown是共和党人，刚当选麻省议员，反对全民医保。
所以说他kill bill “扼杀了（医保）法案”。
We have Mr. vice president Joe Biden here tonight. I have read your autobiography and today I see you. I think the book is much better. They should have cast Brad Pitt, or Angelina Jolie.美国政客是要被随时拿来开涮的，其他的comedian讽刺起来比黄西狠得多。
So, I , to be honest to be here tonight. And I have prepared for months. Eh, for tonight show and I showed the White House, my joke about president Obama. And that is way he decided not to come. And he decide to talk about immigration reforms. Take that Stephen Colbert. And president Obama has always been accused of being too soft, but he was and conducting two wars, and they still gave him the Nobel Peace Prize, and he accepted it. You can’t be badass than that. Well, actually, I am thinking the only way you can more badass than that is it you take Nobel Peace Prize money and give it to the military.讽刺奥巴马的诺贝尔和平奖奥巴马没到，但也没忘调侃一下他，反衬自己写的那几个笑话的威力。
提到Stephen Colbert，因为几年前的记者招待会，他当着bush的面羞辱了bush，那次bush脸色很难看，劳拉甚至骂了粗口，但就是当面很尴尬而已，而我把奥巴马吓得都不敢来了，还开始考虑是否该让这些移民来到美国。