生活大爆炸第四季剧本 S04E02

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生活大爆炸第四季剧本 S04E10

Series 4 Episode 10 – The Alien Parasite HypothesisScene: The apartment.Sheldon:Clarify something for me. Isn’t the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?Leonard: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, the next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death.Sheldon: Well, we could argue about who said what all night long, but to set things back on course, I will propose a new topic of conversation.Leonard: Great.Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there’s only one correct answer.Raj: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?Sheldon: Wrong. The best number is 73. You’re probably wondering why.Leonard: No.Howard: Uh-uh.Raj: We’re good.Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying, hang on to your hats, seven and three. Eh? Eh? Did I lie?Leonard: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome, one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one which backwards is one-zero-zero-one-zero-zero-one, exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is Sirron Kcuhc.Raj: Just for the record, when you enter five million three hundred eighteen thousand and eight in a calculator, upside-down it spells boobies.Leonard: Remember when you were wondering why the girls didn’t want to eat with us tonight?Howard: Yeah, I get it now.Scene: A bar.Penny: I love your little heart locket, Bernadette.Bernadette: Oh, thanks. Howard gave it to me. It’s the cutest thing. Every time I have dinner with his mom, the next day I get jewellery.Amy: Did you know that the iconic Valentine’s heart shape is not actuall y based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?Penny: Oh, so I spent seventh grade dotting my I’s with little asses? Cool.Zack: Hey, Penny, how’s it going?Penny: Hey, Zack, what are you doing here?Zack: My dad’s company prints the menus for this place. I’m just dropping off some new ones laminated. Makes ‘em easier to clean if people throw up on ‘em. Guess how I got the idea?Penny: Yeah, I got it, I got it. Uh, Zack, these are my friends Bernadette and Amy.Bernadette: Hi.Zack: Hey.Amy: Hoo.Zack: Okay, well, it was good to see you.Penny: Yeah, you, too.Bernadette: He’s really cute. How do you know him?Penny: Oh, we went out a couple of times.Amy: I’m often flummoxed by current slang. Does went out mean had intercourse?Bernadette: Yes.Penny: No, no. But in this case, yes.Amy: Interesting. And was it not satisfactory?Penny: No, it was great. He just didn’t really challenge me on an intellectual level.Bernadette: Couldn’t you just fool ar ound with him and then listen to NPR?Penny: Wouldn’t help. Zack can’t even spell NPR.Bernadette: It’s what I do with Howard. I’m much smarter than he is. But it’s important to protect his manhood. Amy: Hoo.Bernadette: What’s the matter?Amy: I’m suddenl y feeling flushed. My heart rate is elevated, my palms are clammy, my mouth is dry. In addition, I keep involuntarily saying hoo.Penny: Oh, we know what’s causing that, don’t we?Amy: It’s no mystery. I obviously have the flu coupled with sudden-onset Tou rette’s syndrome.Credits sequence.Scene: The university cafeteria.Howard: Did you hear about the accident at the bio lab?Leonard: No. What happened?Howard: They were injecting rats with radioactive isotopes and one of the techs got bit.Raj: Did he get superpowers?Howard: No, he got five stitches and a tetanus shot.Raj: Oh. Well, that’s disappointing.Howard: Why?Raj: Well, you get bit by a radioactive animal in a lab, you kind of want to turn into a superhero.Howard: Yeah, but who’d want to become Rat-Man?Raj: Who wouldn’t? You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound. And the best part is, if I were Rat-Man, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy. Howard: Mouse Boy?Raj: You don’t like Mouse Boy? How about, uh, uh, Kid Vermin?Howard: First of all, if we had superpowers, I wouldn’t be the sidekick. You’d be the sidekick.Raj: Rat-Man is nobody’s sidekick.Howard: Leonard, settle this. Of the two of us, who’s the ob vious sidekick?Raj: Yeah, Leonard, who?Leonard: 12 years after high school, and I’m still at the nerd table.Scene: Amy’s lab.Sheldon: Aren’t you slicing that man’s brain a little too thin?Amy: It’s too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quiznos. For examination under a two-photon microscope, it’s fine.Sheldon: Well, you’re the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.Amy: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon. Sheldon: Thank you.Amy: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my temperature.Sheldon: Are you monitoring your circadian rhythms in order to identify your periods of maximum mental acuity? I did that one summer. Ah, youth.Amy: No, I experienced some distressing symptoms last night, so I’m checking my vital signs every hour. Sheldon: I’d be happy to create a chart and participate in a differential diagnosis.Amy: Oh, that sounds like fun.Sheldon: All right. What were the symptoms?Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth and localized vascular throbbing.Sheldon: Localized to what region?Amy: Ears and genitalia.Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up. What about environmental factors? Describe the scene for me.Amy: I was sitting in a restaurant with Penny and Bernadette, drinking water, carbonated as it was a special occasion. Penny’s friend Zack stopped by and said hello and I said hoo.Sheldon: Who?Amy: Zack.Sheldon: Then why did you ask?Amy: Ask what?Sheldon: Who.Amy: Zack.Sheldon: All right, let’s start over. What did you say when Zack walked in?Amy: Hoo.Sheldon: Zack.Amy: Why do you keep saying Zack?Sheldon: Because you keep saying who.Amy: I’m not saying hoo now. I said hoo last nig ht.Sheldon: And the answer was Zack, correct?Amy: There was no question. I simply said hoo.Sheldon: All right, I think I have enough to go on. Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood, hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases, sexual arousal.Amy: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?Scene: The cafeteria.Howard: There you are.Raj: Oh, hey.Howard: Let me ask you a question. What are you most afraid of?Raj: I don’t know. Um, nuclear war. Accidentally being buried alive. Any of those movies where you get that phone call that says you’re going to die, and then you do.Howard: No. Something very specific that we both know you, Rajesh Koothrappali, are terrified of.Raj: Well, type two diabetes runs in my family. The thought of losing a toe…Howard: Spiders! You’re afraid of spiders!Raj: What the heck is this?Howard: A jar with a big spider in it, of course. Bravery test. First one to take his hand out is the sidekick.Raj: Are you crazy?Howard: Perhaps. Are you scared?Raj: No. But it’s a stupid test.Howard: Oh, really? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to stick your hand in a jar with a spider?Raj: Oh, yeah? What if the earth was in danger and the only way to save it was to take a shower in the locker room and let other guys see you naked?Howard: Oh, come on. That’s never gonna happen. Now put your hand in the jar or forever be revealed as my sidekick.Raj: All right, I will.Howard: How did you get so brave all of a sudden?Raj: It’s easy. The spider’s crawling up your arm.Howard: Get it off! Get it off! Please, Raj! Ah! Ah! Ah! Please. Oh!Scene: Amy’s lab.Amy: My blood work shows thyroid function normal. Cortisol levels normal.Sheldon: How about your follicle-stimulating hormone levels?Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause.Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.Amy: I think we need to face the cold, hard truth, I was sexually aroused by Penny’s friend Zack.Sheldon: Hang on. I don’t know that we’ve given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.Amy: Let’s look at this logically. I have a stomach, I get hungry. I have genit als, I have the potential for sexual arousal. Sheldon: A cross we all must bear. You know, in difficult moments like this, I often turn to a force greater than myself.Amy: Religion?Sheldon: Star Trek. Did you see Star Trek: The Motion Picture?Amy: No.Sheldon: Don’t. It’s terrible. However, in it, we learn that when Spock finds himself drawn off the path of logic by feelings bubbling up from his human half, he suppresses them using the Vulcan mental discipline of Kolinar.Amy: Are you suggesting we live our lives guided by the philosophies found in cheap science fiction?Sheldon: Cheap science fiction?Amy: What are you doing?Sheldon: Using Kolinar to suppress my anger at that last comment.Amy: Is it possible that your concern for me at this moment is motivated by nothing more than simple jealousy? Sheldon: I hadn’t considered that. Give me a moment. All right, I’ve considered it.Amy: And?Sheldon: I reject it.Amy: You reject it because you don’t feel jealousy, or because you are suppressing jealousy?Sheldon: I think I’ll eat my lunch at home.Amy: That’s not your lunch, Sheldon, those are the cadaver brain specimens.Sheldon: Oh. As they were incorrectly sliced, you can see how I could mistake them for my sashimi.Scene: The laundry room.Sheldon: Hello.Penny: Hey. Isn’t tomorrow your usual laundry night?Sheldon: The supermarket was out of my regular fabric softener. If this one under or over-softens, I’ll need time to make things right.Penny: That’s thinking ahead.Sheldon: The alternative would be to think backwards. And that’s just remembering.Penny: So how’s Amy?Sheldon: Amy’s changed. I might have to let her go.Penny: Oh, no. Why?Sheldon: I thought she was a highly evolved creature of pure intellect, like me. But recent events indicate that she may be a slave to her baser urges. Like you.Penny: Just going to skip over that insult.Sheldon: What insult?Penny: Yeah. That’s why I’m going to skip over it. Are you saying that Amy is, oh, what’s thescientific word?Sheldon: Forget science. She’s horny.Penny: Oh! Okay. Wow.Sheldon: It’s simple biology. There’s nothing I can do about it.Penny: Are you sure?Sheldon: What are you suggesting?Penny: I’m suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy’s urges?Sheldon: It’s illegal to spay a human being.Penny: Yeah. That’s not what I had in mind.She l don: Oh. Oh! You mean something I could do.Penny: Exactly.Sheldon: Well, I was hoping to avoid this. But I might as well get it over with. Thank you, Penny. I’ll let you know what happens.Penny: Oh, Amy, you lucky girl.Scene: The apartment. Sheldon is on the phone.Sheldon: Yes. This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Is this the Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny? Sorry to bother you. Hello. I’m looking for a Zack Johnson who used to have coitus with my neighbour Penny. Coitus. It means intercourse. And I have a feeling I’m speaking to the right Zack. This is Sheldon Cooper. Fine. Shelly. Yes, that does sound like a girl’s name. No, it doesn’t bother me. Yes, Smelly Shelly does bother me. Let me tell you why I’m calling. I’d like to know if you’d be interested in having sex with Amy Farrah Fowler. Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, that is a girl’s name. Good grief. It’s like trying to talk to a dolphin.Scene: A gymnasium.Leonard: Really? This is going to decide who’s the hero and who’s the sidekick?Howard: You got a better idea?Leonard: Every idea is better than this idea.Howard: Ding!Raj: Wait. What the hell is ding?Howard: It’s a bell.Raj: I don’t think this kind of wrestling has a bell.Howard: Fine. How do you want to start?Raj: I say, uh, how about one, two, three, go?Howard: One-two-three-go? That’s for babies.Raj: Okay, how about, uh, on your mark, get set, go?Howard: That’s for a footrace. If you want to ra ce, we have to go outside.Raj: No, it’s chilly outside. Didn’t bring my jacket.Howard: Oh, for crying out loud. What kind of superhero needs a jacket?Raj: What kind of superhero says dibs on the red tights, dibs on the red tights.Howard: All right, how about this? Ready, wrestle.Raj: Wait. Are we starting now? Or is that what you’re going to say when we do start, or…Howard: We’re starting now!Raj: Don’t yell at me!Leonard: Suppose there are worse ways to spend a Friday night. None come to mind.Scene: A bar.Sheldon: Look at this stamp. On what authority are they permitted to mutilate patrons as they enter?Amy: I’m sure it’ll wash off.Sheldon: Little comfort tonight. I look like a Hell’s Angel.Amy: There’s Zack.Sheldon: Are you sure this is what you want to do?Amy: It’s not what I want to do, it’s what I have to do.Sheldon: Go, Amy Farrah Fowler. Follow your endocrine system.Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. You’re a good friend.Sheldon: Please don’t drag this out. This is never going to come off.Amy: Excuse me? Zack? I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus and make Shakespeare’s metaphorical beast with two backs.Zack: My gluteus what?Amy: On the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinar. Good-bye, Zack.Zack: Bye. Hoo. That should hold me for a while.Scene: The gymnasium.Howard: I’m legally obligated to inform you that I took a karate lesson when I was 11. I’d be a regular ninja by now if my mom could’ve arranged a carpool.Raj: Oh, ye ah? Well, I’ve been taking Pilates class at the rec center, and my abs look like sections of a Hershey bar. Howard: Oh, yeah? Won’t matter, you’re going down!Raj: No, uh-uh, you’re going down!Howard: If anybody’s going to go down, it’s going to be you.Leonard: Fellas. It’s been 30 minutes. Nobody’s touched each other.Scene: A street.Sheldon: I’m glad you decided to reject your animal hindbrain and return to the realm of pure intellect.Amy: As am I. (Holds Sheldon’s hand)Sheldon: What are you doing?Amy: An experiment. Nope. Nothing. Never mind.Scene: The gymnasium.Raj: You realize you can’t win.Howard: I prefer to think that I can’t lose.Raj: You’re wrong. It’s only a matter of time before you fall into Rat-Man’s rat trap.Howard: You pathetic fool! If there were a rat-catcher, wouldn’t it catch Rat-Man?Raj: Just because I didn’t express myself well doesn’t mean my underlying point was invalid! You bloviating buffoon! Howard: You narcissistic nincompoop!Raj: You crimson coward! Oh, Leonard, wake up, you’re missing some very excellent superhero quips.。

生活大爆炸第四季第十四集剧本

The Big Bang Theory第四季 14集-Sheldon: Good evening.晚上好，I'm your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.guest lecturer: 客座讲授 Dr.: 博士（doctor）我是你们的客座讲师 Sheldon Cooper教授。

I was expecting applause,expect: 期待 applause: 鼓掌欢迎我期待掌声的出现，but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate.suppose: 认为 stun: 震惊 silence: 沉默 equally: 同样的 appropriate: 适当的不过我认为震惊到不知所措同样合适。

I agreed to speak to you this evening,agree: 同意 speak: 演讲我今晚愿意来给你们上课，because I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates. brightest: 最聪明的 university: 大学 doctoral: 博士的 candidate: 应试者是因为我听说你们是这所大学的博士生中最聪慧最优秀的。

Hmm. Of course, that's like saying you are the most important electron in a hydrogen atom. electron: 电子 hydrogen: [化学]氢 atom: 原子恩，当然，这就像是在说你们是氢原子中最重要的电子。

Cause, you see,你们也知道，there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom.氢原子中只有一个电子。

生活大爆炸第四季剧本 S04E24

S4E24 – The Hot Troll DeviationScene: The Cheesecake Factory.Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?Howard: Uh, sure.Penny: Okay, Priya?Priya : Uh, I'll have the shepherd's pie. You want to split that with me?Penny: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.Priya : Why not?Penny: Well, you have milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust. Your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's Day balloon.Sheldon: Not quite accurate. The Macy's balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copiousamounts of methane.Leonard: So, no, on the shepherd's pie. Can we move on?Penny: Yeah, a little tip: he says he can eat frozen yogurt. Do not believe it.Leonard: Sea bass! I'll have the sea bass!Howard: You gotta like this, the girlfriend and the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty. Leonard: Kill me.Sheldon: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death. Bernadette: Guys, sorry I'm late. I have amazing news.Sheldon: Bernadette, before you change the subject, does anyone have any final comments on Leonard's faulty digestive system?Leonard: So, what's your news, Bernadette?Bernadette: The thesis committee accepted my doctoral dissertation. I'm getting my PhD!All: Wow!Sheldon: Oh, congratulations.Penny: Wow, so that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, and Howard, you know a lot of doctors.Howard: Congratulations, honey.Bernadette: Thank you.Leonard: So, Howard, tell us, how's it feel knowing that when you two get married, you'll be referred to as Mr. and Dr. Wolowitz?Sheldon: Unless he takes Bernadette's last name. And considering her advanced status, that could open some doors for him.Howard: Please, this isn't about me. I'm proud of you.Bernadette: Well, you'll be really be proud of this. I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They're gonna pay me a buttload of money!Howard: What?Leonard: Bernadette, that's great. Howard, do you make a buttload?Howard: Better than what you've got a buttload of.Leonard: Hey, if I roll down the windows in the car, everything's peachy. If you do it, you're still not a doctor.Penny: Yeah, just a heads-up on the car window deal. It helps, but everything is not "peachy."Credits sequenceScene: Raj’s apartment.Raj(singing): Oh, if there was a problem, you can't solve it, Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it Ice, Ice, baby, Ice, Ice, baby .Priya :Oh, God, I feel ridiculous in this dress.Leonard: You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for... inspection.Priya: My brother's going to hear you.Leonard: Relax, he's got headphones on. And we're ten miles above Earth in a starship.Raj : Really, ten miles? You're orbiting inside the atmosphere? Moron.Priya: I can't believe I'm wearing my brother's Halloween costume.Leonard: I can't believe you think he only wears it on Halloween. Open the landing bay doors, shuttle craft approaching.Raj: Okay, gotta go.Scene: Howard’s apartment.Howard: Hey, what's up?Mrs Wolowitz(off): Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?!Howard: No, Ma! It's Raj!Mrs Wolowitz(off): He's a doctor too, right?!Howard: Yes!Mrs Wolowitz(off): Like Leonard and the skinny weirdo!Howard: Sheldon, yes! Everybody's a doctor but me!Mrs Wolowitz(off): Well, whose fault is that?!Howard: What's up?Raj: Leonard's putting disgusting memories in my memory foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight? Howard: Sure, but I'm going out with Bernadette. It'll just be you and my mother.Raj: I guess that's okay.Howard: Ma, can Rajesh sleep over?!Mrs Wolowitz(off): Of course, he and I can play doctor!Raj: She's kidding, right?Howard: I don't know, she's pretty feisty since they put her on hormone-replacement therapy.Mrs Wolowitz(off): Paging Dr. Cutie Pie!Scene: The apartmentSheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her PhD.Amy: It's indeed admirable. Although, it is... microbiology.Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.Amy: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Lite. Is there something wrong with your neck?Sheldon: It's a little stiff. What a remarkably fragile structure to support such a valuable payload.Not unlike balancing a Faberge egg on a Pixie Stick.Amy: Have you considered massage?Sheldon: I'd like to respond to that sarcastically. Yes, I relish the thought of a stranger covering my body with oil and rubbing it.Amy: I was proposing you massage your muscles with your own hands.Sheldon: Still sounds like a lot of unnecessary touching.Amy: Trust me. With your right hand, locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process. Sheldon: All right.Amy: Now push your third finger along the ridge of the shoulder blade, making a small rotation as you do so.Sheldon: Rotating.Amy: You should feel a small node-like object rolling back and forth along the bone.Sheldon: You mean the myofascial point?Amy: Obviously. Now bear down on it like the seventh grade noogies we all know too well.Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, yes, yes, oh, yes! Amy, I've never been touched like this before! Oh! My hands are magic!Amy: Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nervous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.Sheldon: There's someone at my door.Amy: That doesn't interest me. Good-bye.Raj: Can I sleep here tonight?Sheldon: Why?Raj: Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.</i>Sheldon: I can see how that would be e in. I'll get the sheets and blankets for the couch. Raj: Oh, don't bother. I'll just sleep in Leonard's room.Sheldon: No, I can't authorize that.Raj: Well, he's in my bed. Why can't I be in his?Sheldon: The Hammurabic Code is "an eye for an eye," not "a bed for a bed."Raj: Come on, dude, I'm exhausted, and Tyra Banks says the most important item in your makeup bag is a good night's sleep.Sheldon: All right. This is a form indemnifying me from your use of "Leonard's bedroom." Sign here, indicating that I tried to stop you and did so using a stern facial expression.Raj: Good night, Sheldon.Sheldon:Wait. Not yet. We still have to go over safety procedures. Now, the apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminous paint will guide you to the nearest exit.Raj: You're kidding.Sheldon: I never kid about safety.Scene: Leonard’s bedroomLeonard: What are you doing here?Raj: I was sleeping.Leonard: In my bed?Raj: Well, I would've slept in my own bed, but it was being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.Leonard: Oh, you heard?Raj: "Scotty, I need more power."Leonard: Sorry. Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.Leonard: Oh, yeah. Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know, she used to date Howard?Raj: Oh, my God, she's that Mona? Why can't you and my sister spend your nights here?Leonard: We tried. She doesn't get along with Sheldon.Raj: Sheldon doesn't get along with Sheldon. It's still no reason for me to have to listen to you arm your photon torpedoes every night.Leonard: Okay, well, how about this: until Priya gets her own place, you stay here and I'll stay at yourapartment.Raj: Can I bring girls here?Leonard: You? Sure. Bring as many as you want.Raj: Okay, deal.Leonard:Scene: The University Cafeteria.Leonard: You really think you should be eating that cake?Howard: Why?Leonard: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline. Raj: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.Howard: Yeah, ha-ha.First of all, I'm not threatened by my fiance's success. I'm proud of her. And secondly, I have my own career.Howard: Until you have kids.Sheldon: Good news, Raj. I got the blood work back from the lab. You're okay to stay for a while.Raj: When did you take my blood?Sheldon: Not important. Your sugar was a little high. I'd follow up with your regular physician. In the meantime, I have some paperwork here for you to go over.Raj: What the hell is this?Sheldon: Boilerplate stuff. A modified roommate agreement for a temporary house guest, and a living will and durable power of attorney.Raj: This says you can make "end of life" decisions for me.Sheldon: As your friend, let's hope it doesn't come to that. Please sign.Raj: Did you sign this?Leonard: There's a reciprocity clause. You get to pull the plug on him, too.Raj: Well, that seems fair.Sheldon: Congratulations and welcome temporarily aboard. Here's your I.D. card, your key and your lapel pin. Which Leonard was too cool to wear. FYI, part of your responsibilities as roommate pro tem will be to drive me to and from work, the comic book store, the barbershop and the park for one hour every other Sunday for fresh air.Leonard: Bring a ball or a Frisbee, you know, something he can chase.Sheldon: Also, you're tasked with bringing home all takeout dinners. Tonight is Thai food. You'll find the standard order in appendix B or downloadable from my FTP server. If you have any questions, here's the FAQ sheet, or if you prefer the human touch, I do a live web chat called "Apartment Talk" on Tuesday nights.Leonard: No backsies.Scene: The apartmentRaj: Sheldon, dinner!Sheldon: What is this?Raj: This is the difference between eating and dining.Sheldon: Remarkable. I'm just realizing how much Leonard's been skating by all these years.Raj: It's not a big thing. Just think of me as a brown Martha Stewart.Penny: Hey, Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?Sheldon: Yes, it's "Penny, get your own Wi-Fi." No spaces.Penny: Thanks. Wow! What's with the fancy spread?Sheldon: My new roommate is bending over backwards to ingratiate himself to me. Uh, nice touch, by the way.Penny: What do you mean "new roommate"? What happened to Leonard?Sheldon: The same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species. Raj: I'm the new Homo in town. That came out wrong.Penny: All right, let me try this again. Where's Leonard?Raj: He's living at my place, so I'm living here.Sheldon: You're living here provisionally. But I must say it's looking good.Penny: Wow. Leonard and Priya are living together? That's big.Sheldon: No. Origami napkin swans... that's the headline.Raj: It's a good thing.Scene: Howard’s bedroom.Howard: So do you know what kind of research you'll be doing at this pharmaceutical company? Bernadette: Well, there are a couple of opportunities available, but I volunteered for the premature ejaculation project. I mean, it's not like either one of us has heart disease. Oh, I almost forgot. I got you a little present.Howard: Oh, Bernie, no. You didn't have to.Bernadette: I wanted to. Come on, open it.Howard: You bought me a Rolex? How much did this cost?Bernadette: Oh, you let me worry about the money. I just want my baby to have pretty things.Scene: The apartmentRaj: More wine?Penny: Oh, no, no, no. I've had way too much already.Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about alcohol...Penny: Hit me.Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? Hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.Penny: Monkeys.Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.Sheldon: Mmm, all right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence. Good night. Please note, it is now past 10:00 p.m. Per our roommate agreement, kindly refrain from raucous laughter, clinking of glasses, and celebratory gunfire.Penny: Okay... explain something to me. You watch Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think, "Oh, Krishna, I've got to get me some of that"? Raj: Well, it's a lot better than having to wear noise-cancelling headphones in my own apartment. Penny: What? Oh, God, yeah. Yeah. Leonard's a noisy little dude in the sack.Raj: Every night.Penny: Really? Even during allergy season, when he has to alternate between kissing and breathing? Raj: It's my sister. Can we not talk about this anymore?Penny: Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Can I tell you a secret?Raj: Yeah.Penny: I screwed up. Leonard's a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.Raj: Well, uh, to paraphrase Shakespeare: "It's better to have loved and lost "than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography."Penny: Ohh... you poor baby.Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends, and you hadn't brought up that creepypornography story, I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! "E=mc2."Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen. To friendship.Raj: To friendship.Sheldon: Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking?! And the answer was elephant!Scene: Raj’s apartment.Priya: Leonard, sweetheart, we're kissing, not eating hot soup.Leonard: Sorry.Priya: That's my parents on video chat. Go hide in the bedroom.Leonard: Oh, come on! Why don't we just tell them t hat we're dating?Priya: Oh, we've been through this. It's not the time.Leonard: When is the time?Priya: I've got five brothers and sisters. One of them is bound to screw up real big, and then I'll tell my parents about you. Now, shoo.Leonard: Fine.Priya: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy.Dr Koothrappali(on webcam): We heard there was a tornado in Kansas City.Is that close to you?Priya: No.Mrs Koothrappali(on webcam): Where is your brother?Priya: Out with friends.Dr Koothrappali(on webcam): I don't like it, a young girl alone in an apartment.Mrs Koothrappali(on webcam): I'll sleep so much better when you move back here next month. Leonard: You're moving back to India?!Dr Koothrappali(on webcam): Who's that?Mrs Koothrappali(on webcam):Oh, my God! There's someone in your apartment. Call the police in America!Leonard: When were you going to tell me about this?</i>Priya: Oh, hello, Leonard. What a pleasant surprise! Mummy, Daddy, you remember Rajesh's friend Leonard.Dr Koothrappali(on webcam):I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.Priya: He has many friends.Dr Koothrappali(on webcam): Rajesh has many friends?Mrs Koothrappali(on webcam): Why are you lying to us?Leonard: She's lying because she doesn't want you to know we're dating.Priya: Leonard!Leonard: Well, what difference does it make? If you're moving back to India,we're obviously breaking up.Priya: You know what? I don't want to deal with this right now.Leonard: So...Hot in India?Dr Koothrappali(on webcam): Of course it is. It always is. It's India. Now, what do you have to say for yourself?Leonard: Uh...that is a beautiful tapestry.Scene: Leonard’s bedroomPenny: Oh, God. Oh, God! Oh. Okay, look. This never happened. Do you understand me? Really?! Still can't talk to me?Sheldon: What are you doing here?Leonard:What?Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?Leonard:I live here.Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.Leonard: Priya's going back to India.Sheldon: Irrelevant. Rajesh and I have a good thing going and you're not going to ruin it. What are you doing here?Howard: I've been up all night.I had a fight with Bernadette.Sheldon: Why?Howard: She gave me a beautiful watch.Sheldon: Leonard, do you understand this?Howard: Yes.Sheldon: Talk to him.Penny: Damn.Leonard: What's going on?Penny:Oh... It's-it's not what it looks like.Sheldon: What does it look like?。

第4季中英文对照完整剧本：415 The One With All The Rugby

Rachel：Chandler, don’t worry！ This doesn't make you any less of a guy! （Chandlerstarts blowing on his fingernails like women do.）Thatdoes！ (Chandlerstops blowing.） What am I sitting on? （She looks and finds a huge nail。) Ihateto think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.
Joey：Hey! (Sees Janice.） Ah!！ (Janice screams in surprise。)
Rachel:Guess who we ran into today？!
Monica:Janice?!
Chandler:Isn't this amazing?
Monica：How have you been?
Joey:Sure! It flushes it。
Rachel:Okay, good。 Now that since you know, when you come over would you mind actually using it？
Chandler：(entering， with Janice in tow) Hello!
Monica:Joey let me ask you a question.Whatdoes this light switch do？
Joey：Ohh， Nothing。
Monica:Didn't it drive you crazy to have a switch and not know what it did？

生活大爆炸第四季剧本 S04E23

Series 4 Episode 23 – The Engagement ReactionScene: The Cheesecake FactoryPenny: Hey, do me a favour and take table seven.Bernadette: You mean the one with my one hundred and eighteen-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who’s prone to canker sores and pinkeye?Penny: Nah, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful and sophisticated girlfriend, who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.Bernadette: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?Penny: Oh, please, you’re n ot that kind of person.Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat I’ll totally give her the full-fat version.Leonard: Uh, that’s my water.Sheldon: What?Leonard: My water. You’re drinking it.Sheldon: Dear Lord! Have you been drinking it?Leonard: Yes. It’s my water.Sheldon: Well, that’s it then. I’m dead.Leonard: Here we go.Sheldon: I’m sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you? The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home, sweet home. Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.Raj: Hey! That’s my sister and my country you’re talking about. Leonard may have defiled one, but I won’t have you talking smack about the other.Bernadette: You guys ready to order?Sheldon: Yes, I’d like a seven-day course of penicillin, some, uh, syrup of ipecac, to induce vomiting, and a mint. Bernadette: I don’t understand.Howard: He drank from Leonard’s glass.Sheldon: He drank from Leonard’s glass. Words they’ll be carvi ng into my tombstone.Leonard: That’s actually my napkin.Sheldon: Oh, this is a nightmare!Howard: Where are you going?Sheldon: To the bar, to sterilize my mouth with alcohol. Gang way! Dead man walking!Credits sequence.Scene: The same.Bernadette: All right. Here you go. Two lemonades, one iced tea and a root beer for Priya.Priya: Is it diet?Bernadette: That’s what you ordered.Priya: Thank you. Hey, have you and Howard started planning your wedding yet?Bernadette: Yeah. We’re thinking of having it on a cliff overlooking the ocean.Howard: Nothing soothes those pre-wedding jitters like the thought of falling and drowning.Leonard: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?Bernadette: He hasn’t told her yet. He’s w aiting for the right time.Howard: I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.Priya: Howard, you’ve got to tell your mother.Howard: Hey, have you told your parents you’re dating this short glass of skim milk here?Priya: Uh, that’s different. First of all, we’re not engaged, and second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.Howard: Right, right, whereas Jewish mothers take a casual, la-di-da approach to their sons.Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.Leonard: You all right?Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.Scene: The apartment.Sheldon: Fire demon.Raj: Ooh, fire demon. Sheldon’s turning up the heat.Howard: T roll master.Raj: Check it! Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!Leonard: Water nymph.Raj: Oh, yeah, she’s got puddles in all the right places.Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?Raj: Sorry. Walking tree.Sheldon: Last one.Raj: I’m taking a stroll and I’m sporting wood.Howard(reading a text): Okay, the Eagle has landed.Leonard: What’s going on?Howard: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.Raj: Oh, that sounds lovely.Howard: Hope so. Of course, if history is any indication, my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.Leonard: Have you met Bernadette’s parents?Howard: You mean Adolf and Eva? Not yet. One goose step at a time.Raj: Sheldon, that’s my water.Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord!Leonard: That’s not yo ur water.Raj: I know.Sheldon: Where’s the mouthwash?Raj(holding it): Where indeed.Scene: Howard’s house.Howard: Ma, I’m home! Where are you?MrsWolowitz(off): I’m in the toilet.Howard: So, how’d it go?MrsWolowitz: Too soon to say. I’m not done yet.Howard: No, I mean lunch, today, with Bernadette.MrsWolowitz: Oh! I had a pastrami sandwich. She had eggplant lasagna. Like that’s what a person orders in a Jewish deli.Howard: Besides food, did you get along? Did you talk?MrsWolowitz: Oh, sure. Di d you know she’s going to school to become a microbiologist?Howard: No, she never mentioned it.MrsWolowitz: I bet she did and you didn’t listen.Howard: Yeah, that’s probably it. So, what do you think? Do you like her? She’s great, huh?MrsWolowitz: She’s a lovely girl. Cute as a button.Howard: That’s good to hear, ’cause I’ve got some news.MrsWolowitz: I hope it’s good news, because I’ve got nothing but disappointment in here!Howard: Bernadette and I are getting married. Ma? You too busy bearing down? Ma?(crashing sound from in bathroom) Oh, my God, Ma? Ma?Ma? Stand back, I’m gonna break the door down! (Runs at door. It doesn’t break down. Falls over.)Son of a bitch! Ma, help!Scene: The laundry room.Penny: Hey.Sheldon: Hello.Penny: Haven’t seen you in a while. How’s it going?Sheldon: Oh, other than waiting out the exponential growth period of the virulent organisms trooping through my microvilli into my circulatory system, hunky-dory. (Penny laughs) Did I say something amusing?Penny: I don’t know, maybe, I have no idea what you said.Sheldon: So your mirth is merely a discharge of nervous energy with no semantic content at all?Penny: My mirth. Classic.Sheldon: Is there a station coming up where I can board your giggling train of thought?Penny: It’s not a big deal, Sheldon. It’s just, ever since Leonard’s been dating Raj’ssister, I’ve had to keep my distance. I don’t get to hear all your jibber-jabber.Sheldon: Jibber-jabber? I don’t jibber-jabber.Penny: What are you doing at work these days?Sheldon: Oh, I’m working on time-dependent backgrounds in string theory, specifically quantum field theory in D-dimensional de Sitter space.Penny: Alright, come on, even you have to admit that’s jibber-jabber.Sheldon: Interesting, do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?Penny: Oh, my God, you’re about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.Leonard: Howard and his mother are at the hospital. Come on, we gotta go.Penny: Oh, my God! What happened?Leonard: I don’t know, I just got a text. Come on, hurry.Penny: Okay.Leonard: Sheldon, let’s go!Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don’t think so.Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there, we’re going.Sheldon: I can’t.Penny: Oh, don’t tell me you’re afraid of germs.Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. It’s the same way I’m not afraid of all steak knives, just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.Leonard: Right, fine. I’ll tell Howard you didn’t come because you’r e more concerned about your own well-being than his.Sheldon: I would think he would know that.Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts, but when it’s time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.Sheldon: Fine, I’ll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother’s mantel.Scene: A hospital waiting room.Howard: So I knocked down the bathroom door, picked up my poor unconscious mother, carried her to the car, and drove like a madman to the emergency room.Bernadette: You’re a real hero, Howard.Howard: No, I did what any son would do.Penny: Hang on a second, you picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off babies.Penny: Yeah, I’m saying, it’d be easier to lift a car.Howard: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable. Leonard: So, how is she?Howard: They’re running tests. I don’t know. It may have been a heart attack or heart-attack-like event. Penny: What’s the difference?Sheldon: A heart-attack-like event is an event that’s like a heart attack.Penny: Thanks for clearing that up.Sheldon: Regardless, coronary problems are eminently treatable. What’s more likely going to kill Howard’s mother are the antibiotic-resistant super-bugs festering in every nook and cranny of this hospital.Penny: Okay, you’re not helping.Sheldon: Disagree.Leonard: Go sit over there.Sheldon: I’ll sit over there, it looks cleaner.Leonard: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?Howard: My fami ly is the history of heart disease. There’s a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this (clutches chest).Bernadette: So it’s probably genetic.Howard: Well, maybe. Mom also had just gotten some news that might have upset her.Bernadette: What?Howard: It’s not important.Bernadette: Come on, Howard, I’m going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.Howard: You’d think that. But no.Bernadette: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?Howard: You can’t take that personally.Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?Howard: What you’ve got to keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I’ve been the whole world to my mother.I mean, she’d be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can’t.Bernadette: You mean sexual intercourse?Howard: Well, when you say it like that you make it sound creepy.Priya(arriving): What happened?Bernadette: Howard’s mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can’t.Howard: Bernie, wait!Sheldon(to Raj): I’ll give you $1,000 if you’ll drive me home.Scene: The same, later.Priya: Nice of you to come for Howard.Penny: Well, he’s my friend. It’s what you do. (Laughs)Priya: I’m sorry, did I miss something?Penny: It’s just so weird. Howard Wolowitz is my friend. You know, once he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose.Priya: That’s a little easier to believe than he’s your friend.Penny: Yeah, tell me about it.。

The big bang theory生活大爆炸第四季第4集英文剧本

I'm telling you, if xenon emits ultraviolet light,hen those dark matter discoveries must be wrong. Yes, well, if we lived in a worldwhere slow-moving xenon produced light,then you'd be correct.Also, pigs would fly,my derriere would produce cotton candy,and The Phantom Menace would be a timeless classic. Oh, you're so arrogant.If you were a superhero,your name would be Captain Arrogant.And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance.You're wrong again.If my superpower were arrogance,my name would be Dr. Arroganto.I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together. Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decidedto go partners in a Jamba Juice.Has it occurred to you you're missing the big picture? - If you look at neutron scattering data... - Oh, Penny? - Penny? - What's up?Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.No, no, no.He won. Suck it up.Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert,but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything,but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake.And Leonard's lactose intolerant,so he can't eat anything herewithout his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal. Hang on a second.I could have the fruit platter.ou want the fruit platter?- Does it have melon on it? - Yeah.No, I can't eat melon.Oh, Howard, heads up.Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.When was the last time you saw her?Oh, not since we broke up.Wow. How am I going to play this?Sophisticated and relaxed?Friendly, noncommittal?Cold and distant?Hi, guys.Hello.see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.It's one of his best moves.So, my dear, we meet again.Hello, Howard.I've missed you.I've missed you, Katee Sackhoff.One question. - Anything.Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed? Why are you in bed with me?If we start to question this, it all falls apart.Sorry. Oh, ravish me, Howard.My loins ache for you.Okay, if you insist.Howard, have you seen my girdle?!No, Ma!I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting! Maybe it committed suicide!Leave me alone!Now, where were we?I believe you were aboutto rip off my uniform with your teeth.Bernadette?!What are you doing here?Well, if I had to guess, I'd say I'm herebecause you saw me earlier this evening,and you're still hung up on me.No, I'm not.Clearly you are.Otherwise, based on past experience,we'd be done by now.Okay, I'm a little confused here.Oh, my. Can I help?Not that kind of confused.What's George Takei doing here?Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?No, of course not.So you say.Yet, here I am.George, let me ask you something.How did you deal with being typecast as a science fiction icon? It's difficult.You try and stretch as an actor--do Strindberg, O'Neill,\but all they want is, "Course laid in, Captain."Tell me about it.It's frackin' frustrating.Wait. Katee, why are you leaving?She's leaving because you really want to be with me.Howard, I found my girdle!It was in the dryer!Great, Ma!I think it shrunk!I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!And with that mental picture,I think we're done for the evening.You never told me what happened between you and Bernadette.I did a stupid thing.Yeah, I guessed that.It was the kind of thing that makes it kind of hard to face her now.That covers anything from farting in bedto killing a homeless guy.Oh, my God.You ran over a hobo.No. Stop asking.All right, fine. So you want to get back together with her,but you're too ashamed to face herbecause of whatever it is you did.In a nutshell. - Okay.Well, how about this?Kidnap Bernadette from the operawearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you.Now, you see, I don't know if you're kidding or not.You're being unreasonable.Why can't I have a desk?!Our collaboration is a work of the mind.We don't need desks.You have a desk.Correct. - But I can't have one.You're two for two.Why can't he have a desk, Sheldon?Oh, Lord, will this day never end?As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali,whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails himwhen it's convenient.There's absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture. Oh, but there's money for a drawer full of Red Vines,a marshmallow shooting rifle,and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand? Yes.Okay, what if he buys his own desk?Yeah, what if I buy my own desk?That's ridiculous. - Why?Because...Yes?It's my office.- Sheldon. - All right, all right.He can buy his own desk.And I can put it in your office?Well, you really want to dot the I's and cross the T's, don't you? Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?They do some of their best work at night.Ah, it's okay.Penny?Penny?Penny?Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?Not since I found outthe teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.I just have a question.Does Bernadette ever talk about me?Oh, absolutely.She does? - Yeah, sure.Just yesterday, she asked,Why is Howard hiding under the table?"She saw that, huh?Oh, no, not at first.\Right after I pointed it out.Let me ask you something else.Is she seeing anybody?Oh, not that I know of.Hey, while we're on the subject,why did you guys break up anyway?Oh, I'd rather not say.Howard, if you want my help, I've got to know what happened. But it's embarrassing...Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.Okay. Well, you know World of Warcraft?Um, the online game? Sure.Well, did you knowthat the characters in the game can have sex with each other?Oh, God. I think I see where this is going.Her name was Glissinda the Troll.Bernadette walked in on mewhile we were doing the cyber-nasty under the Bridge of Souls. Oh, you're right. That is so embarrassing.Would you talk to her?Bernadette or the troll?Bernadette. She was so mad at me,she wouldn't even listen to my side of the story.Well, what was your side?Well, for all we know, Glissinda the Troll wasn't even a real woman.I mean, she could've been a 50-year-old truck driver in New Jersey. Really? And that didn't make her feel better?Will you talk to her, see if there's any chance at allwe could get back together?Oh, gee, Howard, I really don't want to get in the middle of this. No. Why would you?I'm just another lonely nerd, living with his mother,trying to find any scrap of happiness he can.You know, maybe to make up forthe fact that his dad left him when he was 11.Okay, I will think about it.You know, I've always blamed myself for him leaving.I always thought it was because I wasn't the son he wanted. Yeah, I said I'd think about it.I wasn't athletic, yeah, I was kind of sickly...Okay, fine. Look, look, I'm calling her now! See?!Thank you.So anyway, Howard asked Penny to talk to Bernadette,and she did, and Bernadette agreed to meet him for a cup of coffee.- One question. - Yeah?Why on earth are you telling me all this?I don't know.Sometimes your movements are so lifelike,I forget you're not a real boy.You said I could buy a desk.This isn't a desk.This is a... Brobdingnagian monstrosity.Is that the American idiom for "Giant, big-ass desk"?It's actually British.Can you say it again for me?Brobdingnagian.One more time?Brobdingnagian.Now three times fast?Brobdingnagian, Brobdingna...How did you even get it in here?That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.All right, you've made your point.A fine prank, very amusing.Now get it out.No. - Yes.No. - Yes.No. - Yes!have three brothers and two sisters, Sheldon--I can do this all day.All right, if you're not going to remove it,I'll remove it for you.Knock yourself out.Help me move my desk.No. - Yes.No. - Yes.No. It's too Brobdingnagian.Why do you even want this here?Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose. Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off,I'd say it's spot-on.All right, I see what's going on.This is the opening salvo in what will bean escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.Thank you.Stand by for my upcoming tat.Hey, Sheldon?Yes?No.See what I did there? I turned it around.Sorry, I had to clock out.Oh, no, that's okay.How have you been?Okay. You know, busy, school, work. You?Same. I took a scuba-diving course over the summer, but it turns out I'm terrified of the ocean.Too bad.You wouldn't know anybodywho wants to buy a wet suit, boy's large?Yeah, forget it. Not important.So, are you seeing anyone?- Well, to be honest, I... - Hey, how are we doing over here? Can I get you something to drink?Not for me, thanks. - I'm okay.Are you gonna want to order food?Maybe later. - Okay.So, are you seeing anybody?No.That's what I told him when he asked me.I hope that's not out of line.No, it's fine. - Penny, can we have a little privacy?Oh. I'm sorry.What about you, have you been seeing anybody?Well, you know how it is with guys.I mean, we have needs and...So you've been seeing other girls?Well, not real girls.Does that mean slutty trolls?You know, you look thirsty.- I brought you some iced tea. - Thank you.It's passion fruit, new on the menu.I know. I work here. - Oh, sorry.Yeah, you're right. Doy.So, Howard, trolls yay or nay?Isn't there somewhere else you can be?Not where I can hear you guys.Okay, fine.I'll admit, there are dark, sordid little corners of the Internet where the name Wolowizard is whispered in hushed tones. The only reason I go there,the only reason I've ever gone thereis because I don't have a real woman in my life.You happy? - Yeah, that'll hold me for a while.Howard, you did have a real woman.was right there in the next roomwhile you were clicking that troll's brains out.Yeah, but we weren't...I-I mean, you and I never...Had sex?Yeah.Well, whose fault was that?Complimentary nachos!You enjoy.Never had sex?What do you mean, whose fault was that?Well, we could've been having sex,but you never made the move.I didn't think you wanted me to make the move.Howard, a girl doesn't go out with a man like you,with your looks, your fancy patter and your tight hoochie pants f she's not expecting him to eventually make the move. Really?Really.Son of a bitch.Hey, this is a little awkward,but my manager says I can't actually give nachos away. o... just take that when you're ready.Yeah, we had a really great talk,and we're gonna start seeing each other again.Oh, congratulations.Have you broken it to the troll yet?Did Penny tell you about that?No. Steve Patterson told me.The greasy old fat guy in Facilities Management?Yeah. - How'd he know about it?He's Glissinda the troll.Sorry, dude, the thermostat's on my side of the room,so it stays Mumbai hot in hereuntil you turn off that stupid Indian music!I'll turn off the musicwhen you get rid of that salmonella-ridden parakeet!Oh, too bad! Sheldon's pathologically afraid of birds!Hey, look, Sheldon! Birdie, birdie, birdie!That's it! Prepare for marshmallow death!Eat flaming Nerf!\So anyway...\That's great news about you and Bernadette.Yeah. I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.\Ah. I guess for you guys that's like regular golf.Short jokes? Really?\You're, like, a quarter of an inch taller than me.Yeah, and don't you forget it.had a good time.Me, too.Kiss her good night.All right, now a little tongue.Hold on there.We've only just rekindled the romance.Let's not sully the moment with the exchange of saliva.Don't listen to him.She wants it.Tongue.See?Now make the move.Too soon.Trust me, she's ready.Make the move.No, no, no.A lady wants to be wooed,courted slowly.How would you know?I read.Listen to me, Howard, it's time.Make the move, now.What are you doing?You said... well, the "Move," Remember?Oh, not now.We're starting a new relationship.I need to get to know you again.No, you don't.It's me.The lusty charmer with the fancy patterand the hoochie pants.Be patient; we'll get there.Told you.Oh, God, what's that smell?Yes?What are you doing in there?Just a little experiment in pest control.It's not gonna work, dude; I grew up in India--an entire subcontinent where cows walk in the street,and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.Well, we'll just see how long you can hold out.Well, we'll just see how your noxious gasfares against my cinnamon-apple-scented aroma therapy candles. Didn't you say you're making hydrogen sulfide gas?Yes. - Isn't that flammable?Highly. Oh, dear.This is not over.。

S01E07-08TheBigBangTheory生活大爆炸美剧中英剧本·词汇解释·学习笔记

THE BIG BANG THEORY 中英剧本+词汇解析(TBBT-S01-EP07-08)第一季7集: The Dumpling Paradox-Howard：Watch this, it's really cool.看这个，真的很酷。

Call Leonard Hofstadter.呼叫Leonard Hofstadter。

-Machine：Did you say: "Call Helen Boxleitner"? 您说的是"呼叫Helen Boxleitner"吗？-Howard：No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.不，呼叫Leonard Hofstadter。

-Machine：Did you say: "Call Temple Beth Seder"? 您说的是"呼叫Temple Beth Seder"吗？-Howard：No.不。

-Leonard：Here, let me try it.来让我试试。

Call McFlono McFlooniloo.呼叫McFlono McFlooniloo。

-Machine：Calling Rajesh Koothrappali.正在呼叫Rajesh Koothrappali。

-Raj：Oh, it's very impressive.impressive：给人印象深刻的真的很强悍。

And a little racist.racist：种族主义者还带点儿种族主义。

-Sheldon：If we're all through playing "mock the flawed technology,"all through：一直mock：愚弄，嘲弄flawed：有缺陷的technology：科技如果你们玩够了"嘲笑残次科技"，can we get on with Halo night?get on with：继续（干某事）Halo：（图画中圣人头上的）光环，灵光我们能开始"光晕"之夜了吗(XBOX经典第一人称射击游戏)？We were supposed to start at 8:00.be supposed to：应该，被期望我们本该8点开始。

生活大爆炸第四季剧本 S04E09

Series 4 Episode 09 – The Boyfriend ComplexityScene: The apartment.Raj: You know who’s got to be the bravest person in the Marvel Universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk a bikini wax.Howard: You want to talk brave, how about Captain America’s undocumented Mexican gardener?Leonard: He’s not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after The Thing?Sheldon: As usual, you’re all wrong. The bravest person in the Marvel Universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.Howard: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?Sheldon: Now you just being silly. Wolverine’s never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer. (Answering phone) Hello. Yes, the elevator’s out of order you’ll have to use the stairs. Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the 16th century, while the first elevator was not installed until 1852. That means that for over 300 years, people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.Leonard: I’ll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.Raj: Do you think they gave Wolverine an Adamantium prostate?Howard: That’s a stupid question.Raj: We’re having a conversation about probing the heinies of superheroes. There are no stupid questions.Scene: Penny’s door.Man: Yes?Leonard: Oh, um, is Penny here?Man: You’re Leonard, right?Leonard: Yeah.Man: Damn, it’s good to finally meet you, son.Leonard: Okay, I think a bit of context here might help.Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard. I see you met my dad.Leonard: Oh, good. Context.Penny’sDad: Come on in, buddy. Take a load off.Penny: Oh, gee, dad, Leonard can’t stay. He just dropped by to say hello. Thanks for stopping by, sweetie. I’ll see you later. (Kisses him passionately) Bye.Leonard: That was odd.Credits sequence.Scene: The apartment.Sheldon: Are you sure you have enough comics? You’re going to be monitoring the telescope for 12 hours, and by my estimate, you’ve only selected seven hours of reading material. That’s even factoring in your difficulty in parsing American comic book idioms like Bamf and Snikt.Raj: Is that racist? It feels racist.Howard: Don’t be oversensitive. He’s calling you illiterate, not your race.Raj: Oh, okay. Good. I don’t need more comics. Howard’s gonna stop by, we’re gonna play intergalactic battleship and Indian Monopoly.Sheldon: I don’t care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics, regular and Klingon.Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly’s just like regular, except the money’s in Rupees, instead of hotels you build call centers, and when you pick a chance card, you might die of dysentery. Just FYI, that was racist.Leonard: You’ll never guess what just happened.Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took a dvantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you’reback to bring us all with you to the year 7010 where we are transported to work at the thinkatorium by telepathically controlled flying dolphins?Leonard: No.Sheldon: Aw.Leonard: Penny kissed me.Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?Raj: What… what kind of a kiss?Leonard: A big kiss. On the mouth.Howard: Is it possible that she was going for your cheek and you moved and she accidentally got lip? That happens with me and my mom all the time.Leonard: She introduced me to her father, kissed me and then shut the door in my face.Howard:Maybe she was trying to send you a message.Leonard: You think?Howard: Yeah. This man is not my father. I’m being held hostage. So I’m going to do something insane in the hopes that you’ll call 911.Leonard: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.Leonard: I’m just saying, it felt like it may have meant something.Howard: Ah, this takes me back. Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in a while it’s nice to hea r the hits.Raj: Ooh, ooh! Do our babies will be smart and beautiful. That one always makes me laugh.Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?Sheldon: If it’ll make you feel better, we rarely listen.Penny(at door): Hey, can I talk to you out here for a sec?Leonard: Yeah, sure.Sheldon: I’m starting to think we’re never going to see that pizza.Penny: So you’re probably wondering what that was all about.Leonard: What, uh, the kissing and everything? Nah, women do that to me all the time.Penny: Yeah, okay. The thing is, I kind of told my father we got back together again.Leonard: What? Why?Penny: Well, you’re the first guy he’s ever really approved of, you know? You’re a scientist who went to college and you don’t have a neck tattoo or outstand ing warrants or, or a baby.Leonard: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heartbroken, and he kept bugging me, how’s Leonard? why can’t you get back together with Leonard? I bet Leonar d never tipped a cow over on himself. So to get him off my back, I told him we worked things out.Leonard: Really? How, how’d we manage that?Penny: What?Leonard: Well, did you apologize? Did you have to woo me?Penny: Get over yourself. I whistled, you came running.Leonard: Yeah, no, I don’t think so.Penny: Okay, why are you arguing about this?Leonard: I’m just saying, if we fake got back together, that’s totally not how it fake happened.Penny: Oh, okay, whatever. Will you please just play along until my dad leaves?Leonard: Hold on, you actually want me to deceive your father with some sort of sham play acting and kissing? Cause I’m good with that.Penny’sDad: Penny, you out here?Penny: Come on, honey, not in front of my dad.Penny’sDad: Relax, I’ve seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.Leonard: See? He doesn’t mind.Penny’s Dad: So, Leonard, I’m taking your gal out for a steak dinner, you want to join us?Penny: Oh, dad, that’s nice, but Leonard has to work. Right, Leonard?Leonard: Uh, I do, I have to work. But I’m gonna blow that off to spend the evening with my sweetie and her father, ’cause, you know, just the kind of boyfriend I am.Penny: Oh.Leonard: Come here, you.Scene: Raj’s Lab.Howard: C-7.Raj: Miss.Howard: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit, C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.Raj: Not if it has a hole in the middle.Howard: What kind of spaceship has a hole in the middle?Raj: A Romulan battle bagel?Bernadette: Knock-knock.Howard: Oh, great, you made it. Come on in. I invited her.Bernadette: So where’s the telescope?Howard: It’s in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He’s hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?Howard: I did it with you when we rented The Notebook. (Raj whispers) Yes, GenaRowlands is a treasure. You’d better open up that bottle of wine or I’m gonna end up with swimmer’s ear.Raj: Exc use me. I can’t be drinking, I’m about to make an important scientific discovery here.Howard: What? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.Raj: How do you know that?Howard: Well, he was Italian. It’s a reasonable assumption.Raj: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?Howard: Oh, I, I’m sorry, Galileo drank diet sprite. Look, you’re my best friend, she’s my girlfriend, you should bond. You know, like you and my mom did.Raj: Your mom creeps the hell out of me.Howard: Yes, but she’s stopped calling you slumdog millionaire.Raj: I do appreciate that.Bernadette: Here we go.Howard: Well I’d like to propose a toast. To science and friendship.Bernadette: Hold on. Wait. No, it’s okay, go ahead.Howard: What?Bernadette: Oh, I was working with Penicillin-resistant gonorrhoea in the lab today and I was just trying to remember if I washed my hands.Scene: Penny’s dad’s car.Leonard: Thanks for the steak, Wyatt.Penny’sdad(Wyatt): My pleasure. It’s nice to have dinner with a boyfriend of Penny’s that knows how to use a napkin.Penny: So not funny, dad.Wyatt: Let me tell you about this one genius she was going out with, this, this fella Donnie.Penny: Oh, will you please let it go?Wyatt: Donnie was gonna make millions turning farm waste into biofuel and selling it to the government. Leonard: A lot of people are doing that.Penny: Oh, see?Wyatt: Yeah, but all Donnie did was mix pig poop with a little water and pump it into his mom’s Camry.Penny: Yeah, th at’s great. It’s a funny story. Moving on.Wyatt: And Donnie was a rocket scientist compared to that boy who wanted to get beer pong into the Olympics. What was his name, sweetheart?Penny: Curtis, and I’m pretty sure he was joking.Wyatt: I don’t know. Th at petition looked real to me.Penny: Yeah, okay, I think this ends the ex-boyfriend portion of our evening.Wyatt: Well, I’m just glad you finally found yourself a keeper.Leonard: Thanks, Wyatt. I’m a keeper.Scene: Outside Penny’s door.Wyatt: Leonard, you want to come in for a nightcap?Penny: Oh, gee, dad, he’d love to, but Leonard has to work in the morning.Leonard: Maybe I could go in a little late.Penny: No, no, no, you can’t. Your career is far too important.Wyatt: Behind every great man is a n agging woman who won’t let him have any fun, am I right, Leonard? Leonard: Don’t I know it.Wyatt: Well, good night, son.Leonard: Good night, Wyatt. Oh, good night, honey.Penny: Good night.Leonard: I love you.Penny: Love you, too.Sheldon: Oh, friggety-frak. Not this again.Scene: The lab.Howard: Three, four, five, pass go, get 2,000 Rupees, Six, seven, whoops. Can’t go any further. There’s a sacred cow in my way.Raj: Bernadette, please tell your boyfriend to cool it with the cow jokes.Bernadette: It won’t help. Once he finds a joke he likes, he sticks with it.Raj: Yeah. Like his haircut material.Bernadette: Oh, right. Did you get your hair cut?Raj: No. I got them all cut.Bernadette: Which is still so funny.Raj: And when you go to a Chinese restaurant, he always gets the same fortune in his fortune cookie. Bernadette: Right. Help, I’m a prisoner in a Chinese fortune cookie factory.Howard: Okay, I think that’s enough about me.Raj: He’s right. Let’s make fun of his mother. Howard, come rub my feet! My corns are killing me!Bernadette: Howard, help me out of the tub! I’m stuck again!Scene: The apartment.Leonard: Coming. Hey, lovebug.Penny: Shut up. You know what I’ve been doing for the last hour?Leonard: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.Leonard: You got to admit, I am, I’m delightful.Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?Leonard: It’s not difficult for me. I’m having fun.Penny: Leonard.Leonard: What do you want me to do? You started this. Do you want to go over and tell him we’re broken up? Penny: No.Leonard: Well, then, what do you want?Penny: I don’t know.Leonard: Don’t you think that’s something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?Penny: Maybe.Sheldon: Leonard, Penny, excellent. I’d like to say I’m very happy that you’re back together, and if I can figure out a way to do so and sound sincere, I will. In the meantime, I’d like to go over some proposed c hanges to the roommate agreement specifically to address Penny’s annoying personal habits.Penny: Oh, my God. What personal habits?Leonard: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase, oh, my god, is number 12.Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you don’t have to do this because Leonard and I are not…Leonard: Ba-ba-ba-ba. Are you sure you want to include him in this?Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I’ll have no truck with plots.Penny: No, you’re right. No, there’s, there’s no plots, no trucks, no feet. So what other annoying habits shall we discuss?Sheldon: Uh, we don’t discuss anything. Leonard is the signatory to the Roommate Agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.Leonard: Fines?Sheldon: Ye s. If Penny’s going to be spending nights here again, you’ll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.Scene: The lab.Raj: Hello, Hawaii. This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena. I’d like you to reposition the telescope, please. Scarlett Johansson’s house! I’m kidding, Hawaii. Mahalo.Whoo!Howard: It might have been a mistake to open that second bottle of wine.Bernadette: Well, live and learn. So, Raj, do you think this planet you’re looking for could have an atmosphere that supports life?Raj: Maybe. If it did, I’d be famous. I’d be on the cover of magazines. And then, instead of living alone in my tiny apartment, I’d have a big mansion.Bernadette: That sounds great.Raj: It is. If you like wandering around a big, empty house with no one to love you.Howard: We’d come visit you.Raj: No, you wouldn’t. You’d be intimidated by my wealth and fame. My only friends would be my genetically engineered monkey butler, and the little people I hired to be my living chess set.Bernadette: He’s taking a turn to the dark side, isn’t he?Howard: Hold on. He could come back.Raj: Oh, what’s the point of everything?Howard: Nope. He’s gone.Raj: You know it’s been more than a year since I’ve even kissed a girl?Howard: What about that hook-up at Comic-Con you told me about?Raj: Oh, grow up. I was lying. I lie all the time. Nobody wants to kiss me.Bernadette: Oh, you poor, poor thing. Raj, you have to know you’re a wonderful man. There are a lot of girls out there who’ll want to kiss you.Raj: Where?Bernadette: You just have to look.Howard: No!Bernadette: Well, this was fun.Scene: The apartment. Wyatt and Leonard are playing Wii fishing.Wyatt: Oh! I think I got a nibble.Leonard: Oh, b-be careful. Give him some line. Okay, now reel him in.Wyatt: Oh, look at that baby. They’re really biting, huh?Leonard: Yeah. They do that when you set it on easy.Wyatt(phone rings): Oh, that’s me. Hello. Oh, hi, sweetie. Yeah, I got up early and didn’t want to wake you, so I went out for coffee and ran into Leonard on the way bac k. Guess what, we’re fishing. Yeah. Right here on his couch.Leonard: Hey, baby. I love you! Mwuh, mwuh, mwuh, mwuh, mwuh.Wyatt: That’s Leonard says he loves you. What? I see. The whole thing’s bull squirt, huh? Well, that’s very disappointing. Bye.Leonard: Oh, hey. There’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you.Scene: Penny’s apartment.Wyatt: I can’t believe you would lie to me like that.Leonard: Just for the record, I did not want to be a part of this.Wyatt: I’ll get to you in a minute.Leonard: No hurry.Wyatt: That my own daughter thinks I don’t love her enough to support her no matter what choices she makes, well, that hurts me deeply.Penny: I’m sorry, daddy…Wyatt: Let me finish.Penny: Oh.Wyatt: I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri? And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes?Penny: You know, I’m sorry.Wyatt: You’re a grown woman, and I respect your right to make yo ur own decisions, but all I ask is you respect me enough to be honest about them.Penny: You’re right. Look, from now on, I will tell you the truth.Wyatt: Thank you. Now, why don’t you go and put some clothes on and we’ll grab a bite to eat before I head for the airport. Now you.Penny: Daddy, he had nothing to do…Wyatt: Keep walking.Penny: Okay.Wyatt: Please, please, please don’t give up on her.Leonard: What?Wyatt: I can’t go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.Leonard: Gee, I don’t know if it’s in the cards, sir.Wyatt: Then, stack the deck. Cheat. Lie. I don’t care. I want grandkids before I die, and I want them to grow up in a house without wheels.Leonard: I’ll give it a shot.Wyatt: Thank you. Now I’m going to do something here to help you along.Leonard: Excuse me?Wyatt: Just don’t panic. Now, get your sorry, lying ass out of my face and make sure I never see it again! Leonard: Oh, the reverse psychology thing. I see. T hat’s very clever.Wyatt: Don’t yap. Just get out.Leonard: I’ll friend you on Facebook.Scene: The apartment.Sheldon: Oh, there you are. Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.Leonard: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again.Sheldon: Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?Scene: The cafeteria.Raj: Hey.Leonard: Oh, how’d it go last night?Raj: Oh, you know. Same old, same old. Looked through a telescope, saw some stars. Big whoop.Leonard: Really? You waited months for time with that telescope. What happened?Raj: Why? You writing a book?Sheldon: I’m going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilizat ion and has been ordered by the United States government to keep it a secret.Raj: Nothing happened. Can we please just change the subject?Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.Howard: Hey.Leonard: Hey.Sheldon: Hello.Howard: Hey.Raj: Hey.Leonard: You get to play with Raj’s big telescope last night?Howard: Whoa. Where did that come from?Raj: He never touched my telescope.Howard: Way to go shutting up.Raj: I did shut up. Now you shut up.Howard: Fine.Raj: Thank you. How come you didn’t call me this morning?。

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S4E02 – The Cruciferous V egetable AmplificationScene: The apartment. Sheldon has a series of whiteboards across the room.Leonard: Whatchadoin’ there? Working on a new plan to catch the roadrunner?Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?Leonard: Yes.Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?Leonard: Yes.Sheldon: What I’m doing here is trying to determine when I’m going to die.Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research. So what is all this?Sheldon: My family history factoring in longevity, propensity for disease, et cetera.Leonard: Interesting. Cause of death for Uncle Carl was KBB. What’s KBB?Sheldon: Killed by badger.Leonard: How’s t hat?Sheldon: It was Thanksgiving. Uncle Carl said, I think there’s a badger living in our chimney. Hand me that flashlight. Those were the last words he ever spoke to us.Leonard: I don’t think you need to worry about death by badgers being hereditary.Sheldon: Not true. The fight or flight instinct is coded genetically. Instead of fleeing, he chose to fight barehanded against a brawny member of the weasel family. Who’s to say that I don’t share that flawed DNA? Leonard: You can always get a badger and find out.Sheldon: But seriously, even if I disregard the Uncle Carl factor, at best I have 60 years left.Leonard: That long, huh?Sheldon: 60 only takes me to here. I need to get to here.Leonard: What’s there?Sheldon: The earliest estimate of the singularity, when man will be able to transfer his consciousness into machines and achieve immortality.Leonard: So, you’re upset about missing out on becoming some sort of freakish self-aware robot? Sheldon: By this much.Leonard: Tough break. You want eggs?Sheldon: You don’t get it, Leonard. I’m going to miss so much, the unified field theory,cold fusion, the dogapus.Leonard: What’s a dogapus?Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man’s underwater best friend.Leonard: Is somebody working on that?Sheldon: I was going to. I planned on giving it to myself on my 300th birthday.Leonard: Wait a minute. You hate dogs.Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.Credits sequence.Scene: The apartment.Howard: What do we owe you?Leonard: It came to $28.17. Let’s say six bucks apiece.Howard: Here you go.Leonard: Thank you.Penny: What?Leonard: Never mind. I got it.Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.Leonard: It’s no big deal.Penny: No, no, no, no. You’re right. We’re not going out an ymore, I should pay for myself. (After Raj whispers to Howard, and Howard laughs) What?Howard: He said if he had woman parts, he’d eat for free the rest of his life.Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn’t be able to talk to yourself. I’m a little low on cash.Leonard: Hmm? How much you got?Penny: Nothing.Leonard: How can you walk around with no money?Penny: I’m cute. I get by.Leonard: It’s okay, you can owe me.Penny: Okay.Leonard: Sheldon, six bucks.Sheldon: No, thank you. I’m not eating pizza tonight.Penny: But it’s Thursday. Thursday’s pizza night.Sheldon: Not for me. Thursday is now Cruciferous Vegetable Night. Tonight’s selection, brussels sprouts. Howard: Really? You’re changing the Sheldonian calendar?Sheldon: It’s a small price to pay.Penny: For what?Leonard: No, no, don’t ask.Penny: Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet. Penny: Wait. Cybernetics is robot stuff, right?Sheldon: Correct.Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?Sheldon: Essentially, yes.Penny: Okay, here’s my question. Didn’t you already do that?Sheldon: Flattering, but sadly, no. I’m also planning to begin an exercise regimen designed to strengthen my cardiovascular system. AKA jogging.Penny: Wait. Honey,have you ever run before?Sheldon: Certainly. I’ve run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.Howard(after Raj whispers to him): You’re right, Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.Sheldon: That’s an excellent idea. Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.Penny: No, it won’t. Um, how does he know I jog?Howard: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.Penny: Oh, my God, that is so creepy!Howard: I know! (Raj whispers to him) And he says he’s not gonna stop. (Raj whispers to him urgently) Then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.Scene: Leonard’s bedroomSheldon(off): (Knock, knock, knock) Ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) U-u-ugh. (Knock, knock, knock) Lenu-u-ugh.Leonard: What the hell? What’s the matter?Sheldon: I have pain radiating from my navel to my lower right abdomen. I’m nauseated and feverish. I believe I may have cholera.Leonard: There’s no cholera in Pasadena. Just like last summer, when there was no malaria in Pasadena. Sheldon: Well, if it’s not cholera, then based on a quick Internet search, the other explanations in decreasing order of likelihood are Hirschsprung’s Disease, botulism, a 30-foot tapeworm or accidental ingestion ofchrysanthemum blossoms.Leonard: When would you have accidentally eaten chrysanthemum blossoms?Sheldon: It’s part of an unlikely scenario that involves sleepwalking and a 24-hour flower mart with a less-than-vigilant proprietor. Oh, Lord, my belly!Leonard: Have you had your appendix out?Sheldon: I haven’t. I’ve been meaning to, but who has the time?Leonard: Let’s get you to the hospital.Sheldon: So this is how it ends, with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard? Leonard: No.Sheldon: I do. And yet I’m doomed while you live on.Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn’t it?Sheldon: Oh, Lord, I think it’s about to burst! (Loud sound of farting) On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.Leonard: Good night.Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.Scene: The hallway.Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Penny: Coming, coming. Hey, nice knees.Sheldon: Thank you. They’re my mother’s.Penny: Oh. And the Flash shirt is what? Because you’re gonna run really fast?Sheldon: No, the Flash shirt is because it’s Friday, but it’s nice when things work out. Where’s your heart rate monitor?Penny: I don’t have one.Sheldon: What about your pedometer?Penny: Don’t have one.Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?Penny: Uh, no.Sheldon: What do you do, you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?Penny: No. I just run till I’m hungry, then I stop for a bear claw.Sheldon: Why are you doing that?Penny: It’s go od to stretch your muscles before you run.Sheldon: All right.Penny: All right, let’s start with a toe touch. Okay, you do it.Sheldon: I am doing it.Penny: Oh. Wow. Good job. Okay, um, can you do this?Sheldon: We’ll never know.Penny: Okay, let’s just warm up on the run.Sheldon: Okay.Penny: Okay, let’s go.Sheldon: Yeah, I’ve been reading up on biomechanics. I think you’ll be surprised at my… Wah! Oh!Penny(squealing): Oh, my God, are you okay?Sheldon: I think so.Penny: Oh, let me help you up.Sheldon: Thank you. (Loud sound of farting)Penny: Oh, Sheldon!Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer Cruciferous Vegetable Night.Scene: The apartment.Leonard: Here’s my chicken curry. Howard, your shrimp biryani.Howard: Thank you, sir.Leonard: Palak paneer, that’s Penny.Penny: Thanks.Leonard: And for Rajesh Koothrappali, from whose homeland these tasty dishes originate, one large order of chicken McNuggets.Penny: Hey, what’s my share?Leonard: Uh, 12 bucks.Penny: Okay, can I get you after Friday when I get paid?Leonard: Sure.Penny: What am I up to now?Leonard: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt and your rent, uh, a little over fourteen hundred dollars.Penny(after Raj whispers to Howard and they both laugh): What now?Howard: He’s just expressing his admiration that you don’t even have to put out to get free stuff.Penny: It’s not free, I’m gonna pay him back. (Raj whispers. Both laugh again) Shut up!Leonard: Sheldon, are you gonna join us?Sheldon: Coming! (From the bedroom area, a wheeled device consisting of a base, a tee-shirt on a coat hanger, and a computer monitor with Sheldon’s face, appears). Greetings, friends.Leonard: Greetings, whatever the hell you are.Sheldon-bot: I am a mobile virtual presence device. Recent events have demonstrated to me that my body is too fragile to endure the vicissitudes of the world. Until such time as I am able to transfer my consciousness, I shall remain in a secure location and interact with the world in this manner.Howard(after Raj whispers to him): Really? That’s your question? When did he put a ramp in?Sheldon-bot: You’re in my spot. This may seem a little odd at first, but over time you’ll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.Penny: Yeah, to be honest, I don’t see much difference.Sheldon-bot: Thank you. That’s what I was going for. Now, Leonard, tomorrow, when we go to work, you’ll need to allow some extra time to get me down the stairs. For your convenience, I disassemble into four pieces.Leonard: This is ridiculous. I’m coming to talk to you.Sheldon-bot: Y ou don’t know where I am. My physical body is safely ensconced in a secure, undisclosed location.Leonard: You’re in your bedroom.Sheldon-bot: No, I’m not.Leonard: I can hear your voice coming from your bedroom.Sheldon-bot: No, you can’t. Wait. Come back. Halt. Authorized personnel only!Penny: So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? Only fourteen hundred bucks.Scene: Sheldon’s bedroom.Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.Sheldon: I’m behind you. Please look at me when you’re talking to me.Leonard: I am looking at you.Sheldon: No, you’re not. Pay no attention to that man in the bed.Leonard: You cannot exist as a virtual presence. Not here and certainly not at work. Oh, good God. Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I’m statistically most likely to die?Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?Sheldon: An accident.Leonard: That’s how I’m going to make it look.Sheldon: Until I can transfer my intellect to a more durable container, my body will remain safely ensconced in my bed.Leonard: Fine, but don’t expect my help.Sheldon: You have to help, it’s in the roommate agreement.Leonard: No, it’s not.Sheldon: Section 74.C. The various obligations and duties of the parties in the event one of them becomes a robot.Leonard: I’ll be damned.Scene: Leonard’s carSheldon-bot: This is delightful.Leonard: Uh-huh.Sheldon-bot: It’s much easier to enjoy the picturesque route we travel to work when you remove the spectre of fiery vehicular death.Leonard: Refresh my memory. Why didn’t I just put you in the trunk?Sheldon-bot: Because I called shotgun. Remember?Leonard: Right.Sheldon-bot: You seem tense. Perhaps this will relax you.Leonard: I don’t want to listen to music, Sheldon.Sheldon-bot: Very well. I don’t understand why you’re not enjoying this. Together, in this car, with my enhanced capabilities, we’re like Knight Rider.Leonard: Except in Knight Rider, the car isn’t a yammering sphincter.Sheldon-bot: You mock the sphincter, but the sphincter is a class of muscle without which human beings couldn’t survive. There are over 50 different sphincters in the human body. How many can you name? Leonard: I was wrong, this is exactly like Knight Rider.Sheldon-bot: Perhaps you’d be interested in a different game.Leonard: No.Sheldon-bot: This is a photograph of the 1911 Solvay Conference on the theory of radiation and quanta. Using Photoshop, I’ve introduced a few anachronisms. See if you can spot all 24. I’ll give you the first one. Madame Curie should not be wearing a digital watch. And go.Leonard: That’s it. Bye-bye. (Turns off screen.)Sheldon-bot(screen switching itself back on): Bazinga.Leonard: Whoa!Sheldon-bot: I have an override switch.Leonard: I almost died!Sheldon-bot: And I’m safe and sound in bed. Who’s crazy now?Leonard: I’m still going to go with you.Scene: A corridor at the university.Sheldon-bot : Hello, Professor Hoskins. Nice to see you, Mindy. Konichi-wa Dr. Nakamora. Sorry the Swedes disproved your theory. Leonard, my door.Leonard: What about it?Sheldon-bot : Be a lamb and open it for me.Leonard: Why? What’s the problem?Shel d on-bot: You think you have me stymied, don’t you?Leonard: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.Howard: Oh, look, it’s Leonard and R2-D-Bag.Raj: That’s my joke. I told it last night. You can’t just use it.Sheldon-bot : Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.Raj: Oh, sure.Sheldon-bot: He’s a lamb. You’re not.Raj: I’m a lamb.Scene: The Cheesecake FactorySheldon-bot: Isn’t this nice? The pleasures of fellowship and camaraderie without having to tolerate your germy breath on my skin.Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.Raj: That’s two, dude. Write your own jokes.Penny: Oh, great. Hi, I’m Penny, I’ll be your waitress.Leonard: Why are you introducing yourself?Penny: I’d rather people not know I have any prior connection to you whatsoever.Sheldon-bot : Can you tell me the specials this evening?Penny: Sheldon, I’m not waiting on you.Sheldon-bot: Obviously. I don’t even have water yet.Penny: Because you’re not here.Sheldon-bot: That’s discrimination against the otherwise located. I’m going to have to go over your head. Manager, manager. Oh, Lord, look who it is.Howard: Is that Steve Wozniak?Leonard: I think it is.Sheldon-bot : The Great and Powerful Woz.Leonard: Penny, Steve Wozniak was one of the cofounders of Apple Computer. He and Steve Jobs started it…Penny: Yeah, I know who he is. I watch Dancing with the Stars.Sheldon-bot : I must speak to him.Leonard: Of course you must.Penny: You know, there’s an Olive Garden down the street. You guys should try it sometime.Sheldon-bot : Excuse me, Mr. Wozniak?SteveWozniak: Oh, hey. Nice virtual presence device.Sheldon-bot: Thank you. I just want to say I’m a big fan. You’re my fifteenth favourite technological visionary.SteveWozniak: Only fifteenth?Sheldon-bot: It’s still six spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship. SteveWozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.Sheldon-bot: One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple Two. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.SteveWozniak: Thanks, we were shooting for nifty. You know, if you had it here, I’d autograph it for you. Sheldon-bot: Don’t move for 15 to 30 minutes, depending on how the buses are running.Steve Wozniak: Nerds.Scene: The hallway. Sheldon exits carrying the Apple 2.Sheldon: I’m coming, Woz, I’m coming. (Trips on stairs.) Ow! Aw.Scene: The hallway. Sheldon-bot approaches Penny’s door and starts bashing into it.Sheldon-bot :(Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny. (Bash) Penny.Penny: What up, Shel-Bot?Sheldon-bot: I can’t get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.Penny: What do you want me to do?Sheldon-bot: Sing me Soft Kitty.Penny: Really, you want me to sing Soft Kitty to a computer monitor?Sheldon-bot: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.Sheldon-bot: Closer to the microphone.Penny: Happy kitty, sleepy…Sheldon-bot: No. You have to start over.Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.。